The MLB general managers meetings are held this week in Arizona. We know what the winter meetings, held in December are. But what gets done at the GM meetings? They’re not just an excuse for 30 overpaid (mostly) white dudes to play golf in the desert, drink beer on the MLB’s dime and try not to catch the clap from any hookers.
Or are they?
Of course not. There is serious business to be done at these meetings. For instance, they’ll be talking about recommendations for new rules, like those that will enforce “pace of play” issues, because the team’s marketing guys are telling them that 14-30 year olds are not cool with watching games that last on average 3 hours and 10 minutes.
So you’ll hear a lot about a proverbial “shot clock” for pitchers and limits on the amount of times a batter can step out of the box, and how many times a catcher can wander out to the mound so he and the pitcher and all the infielders can talk with their gloves over their mouths like a gaggle of really shitty ventriloquists. That one will be the Jeff Dunham Rule.
With any luck these measures will cut the average time of games down to three hours and six minutes and the kids will put down Call of Duty altogether and watch D’backs-Padres instead.
It’s not just general managers at the GM meetings. There are lots of agents there, and while it’s likely that there won’t be much actual movement at the meetings, the groundwork for lots of future deals gets set here. You’ll hear ridiculous rumors, of course, like the Mets giving Michael Cuddyer two years and $25 million even when it would mean they’d have to surrender the 15th overall pick in the draft. Come on, nobody would actually do that. It’s absurd. What? Oh, never mind.
Since I have the best sources in the business, allow me to make some predictions about this year’s GM meetings.
- Tony LaRussa will crash his golf cart into the ball washer on the 14th hole, spilling boxed wine all over Ruben Amaro’s pants. Later, Amaro will send LaRussa the dry cleaning bill and Tony will be upset that the amount isn’t more significant.
- One GM is actually going to notice that Russell Martin’s offense has been exactly league average or worse (in some cases much worse) for five of the last six seasons. But probably only one GM.
- Scott Boras will be handing out copies of his 742 page information binder on Max Scherzer. It includes over 100 pages on Scherzer’s heterochromia iridum, which sounds bad, but is just science talk for the fact that his eyes are different colors. After about nine Scotch and sodas, Doug Melvin will prank call his PR director who will issue an erroneous press release announcing that the Brewers have signed lefty reliever Hectoromia Iridum to a three year, $15 million contract.
- Larry Lucchino will try to convince John Henry and Tom Werner to fire Red Sox GM Ben Cherrington for not signing Hectoromia Iridum.
- The Yankees Brian Cashman will continue to insist the team will not be in on any expensive free agents this offseason and then offer James Shields a 10 year, $340 million contract.
- Kevin Towers will wander in Tuesday and sit at the big conference table while the rest of the guys look uncomfortable wondering which one of them is going to tell him he’s not a general manager anymore.
- Several GMs will complain to the Biltmore Hotel staff that the gap between the bottom of the conference doors and the floor is too high. Not only can the media eavesdrop, but Buster Olney and Ken Rosenthal can actually scurry in and out of the room.
- Theo Epstein will sit next to the Rays’ Matthew Silverman during one of the sessions and whisper, “I didn’t tamper with Joe Maddon. But I did tamper with your wife. Like five times last night.”
- The White Sox will sign Pablo Sandoval to a five year, $90 million deal, but it will be voided when Herm Schneider determines during the physical that Sandoval is “not actually a panda.”
- At the end of the meetings the GMs will head out to the parking lot to leave only to see Maddon’s “Cousin Eddie” parked with one wheel up on the curb as he pumps the septic into an open storm water grate.
