One of the interesting things about the Cubs leaving WGN radio for WBBM is that apparently WBBM doesn’t have anybody hired yet to do pre and post game shows. Hey, as long as it isn’t George Ofman, I think we’d all be happy.
But they’ve actually taken to posting the job description online, and it’s a doozy.
Description:
Hosting Cubs pre- and post-game shows requires odd hours and advance preparation.
It also will require taking phone calls from the oddest of all humans–Cubs fans.
Content changes daily
You’d be amazed at how many different ways that team can figure out how to lose games 6-2.
and the host must be able to quickly “read up†and become expert on all matters baseball, both locally and nationally.
“Emily, get me The Sporting News, so I can look and see who’s playing the hot corner for those pesky Brooklyn Trolley Dodgers!”
When assigned to host talk shows or anchor sportscasts, must be able think quickly,
“Hey kid, we need you to cut a four minute interview with Jim Belushi. He wants to talk about how the Cubs should bring back Ryan Dempster and to talk about how excited he is about K-9 II.”
decide how best to obtain information,
Just type w w w . b l e e d c u b b i e b l u e . c o m
and write creatively and factually.
“But not too factually, we don’t want the listeners to realize the team still sucks.”
This person also will work as an on-site producer for baseball games,
“Hey kid, Pat had chili last night, if the fourth inning goes 1-2-3 you’re gonna have a mess to clean up, one way or the other.”
expected to update sales related copy for the broadcast team,
“We need a total rewrite on this, Binny’s just added some sort of Brazilian beer that’s made out of nothing but coconut oil, beach sand and hepatitis.”
and stay in touch with the studio to be sure all material and requirements are handled.
“Hey, you guys? Mr. Coomer just choked on his sandwich, and we had to not only Heimlich him, but give him an emergency tracheotomy. So yeah, he’s gonna need another sandwich.”
ESSENTIAL DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES include the following:
A full-time position which during baseball season involves hosting Cubs Radio pre- and post-game programming,
Before the game you have to explain how it was a travesty that they lost such a well-played game the day before and after the game you’ll have explain how it was a travesty that they lost such a well-played game just now. And you’ll have to take callers who insist on telling you:
- how long they’ve been a Cubs fan
- how they are convinced they’ll die without ever seeing them win
- how much the Cubs miss Ryan Theriot
- how they should trade Welington Castillo and Zac Rosscup to the Angels for Mike Trout
along with in-game responsibilities including on-site producing,
You’ll be doing some stuff at Wrigley, so you’ll have to be cool with working while covered in rat feces and…well, rats.
social media posts,
WBBM just got a MySpace page and you’ll be updating that monthly.
and possibly scoreboards and occasional play-by-play.
You’ll have a tough act to follow in Judd Sirott. Judd was the king of COMPLETELY SCREAMING THE SCOREBOARD UPDATE AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS AND BEING OVERLY WORDY SO THAT HE COULD NEVER FINISH IT BEFORE THE FIRST BATTER OF THE INNING FINISHED AN AT BAT. BUT SQUARE D LOVES IT WHEN YOU YELL THEIR NAME!
Square D–Schneider Electric–who gives a shit?
This person may be asked to get additional interviews for use by CBS Radio stations outside of game broadcasts,
“Hey, our CBS radio affiliate in Sheboygan wants to go live with Pat after the game to talk to him about the time he bought an egg creme at Ernie’s Last Straw Ice Cream Parlor in 1977. Yeah, that’d be great.”
be accessible to WBBM and/or WSCR to report live,
“We need you in two minutes because Dan Bernstein has got a hot scoop from his Cubs source that the Cubs are talking to the Nats about Jordan Zimmermann but the Nats might not do the trade because he’s pretty much just making it up, and when it doesn’t happen he wants to be able to pretend it was really close and the Cubs botched it somehow.”
report on tape,
Breaking news from Wrigley Field, there’s a shitload of Scotch tape in a box in the hallway!
deliver sound bites and produce reporter wraps.
“Ofman needs you to pull out the great quote he got from Jon Lester, he thinks it’s somewhere around the 10 minute mark on the recording, or maybe the 12 minute, wait, could be 17, anyway, it starts with him saying something like, ‘I had good stuff, I just didn’t get any outs’ and ends with…well, that’s actually pretty much it. But he needs it fast, oh, and he doesn’t really know how to attach the file, so you’ll have to drive down here and get it and then, you know what, just come on down and do the whole thing. Thanks.”
This person may be called at any time in breaking news situations,
“I know it’s 4 am, but you have to come in right now, we have some huge news. The Cubs just optioned Dallas Beeler back to Iowa and are activating Blake Parker from the DL. Dallas Beeler! Blake Parker!”
“Can you give me about 1,000 words on how Joe Maddon picks out his eyeglass frames?”
During the offseason, this person would be assigned by WSCR to host sports talk-shows and/or sports news updates.
“Hey, how about you do the 3 am to 6 am Monday morning shift by yourself? We’d assign you a partner but a) nobody’s listening and b) we’re not Comcast, we can’t afford to pay a bartender to be on the air.”
Extensive knowledge of sports and baseball/major league baseball in particular.
What number did Mark Grace first wear with the Cubs when he made his debut in 1987 before they sewed up a number 17 jersey for him? What former Cubs all-star did David Ross hit his first career homer off of? What’s Paul Bako’s middle name? How many dudes did Starlin Castro shoot this offseason? How did Kal Daniels get his first name? What was the name of the man Marty and tHom Brennaman killed on a Nevada highway in 1993, burned and buried and swore never to talk about again?
Strong on-air communication skills and broadcast background..
Our extra period there is for extra emphasis.
Interviewing skills.
“Remember that time you hit a homer off of that guy from the Mets? That. Was. Awe-some!”
Play-by-play experience.
Doesn’t necessarily have to be baseball play-by-play. People forget that before the TV side hired Len Kasper he was doing jai alai play by play in Miami.
Voice quality and ad-lib ability are very important.
“We’re looking for a strong but friendly voice. In my mind, something like a mix of Gilbert Gottfried and Kathleen Turner.”
A warm, personable delivery is required, along with excellent diction and pronunciation
Because really, Cubs broadcasters are legendary for their great diction, especially guys like Ron Santo, Joe Carter, Jim Frey, Davey Nelson and post-stroke Harry Caray.
Ability to work under pressure and remain calm in confusing and uncertain situations
Things can get weird on Cubs postgame. The Cubs lose games in incredible ways, callers say unpredictable things. Sometimes our board operator will get naked and start slathering his body with Mountain Dew Code Red. Hey, stuff happens.
Ability to operate a range of technical equipment, including digital recording and playback machines is required, along with audio editing experience
“I don’t really know what any of this shit does, but you’ll need to figure it out, tech boy.”
Must have strong critical thinking skills and the ability to ask engaging, sometimes tough and insightful questions
“You’ll need to ask yourself tough and insightful questions like, ‘what am I doing with my life?’ “Will I die alone?’ ‘Has this mole been here all along and I never noticed it?’ ‘Should I kill myself at work or at home?’ ‘Why would Maddon bring in Strop to pitch to Holliday when Arrieta was only at 104 pitches?”
Must be able to think on your feet, come up with topics and feature ideas.
“Got one! Apparently there’s this story about a goat and the 1945 World Series. Let’s do something on that!”
Must be a team player, able to relate easily with baseball personnel as well as co-workers.
“Do not look Mr. Kenney in the eye. When tosses you the keys to his yacht and tells you to ‘park it’ laugh loudly and pretend to go do it, but DO NOT LOOK AT HIM DIRECTLY!”
Must be well prepared under all conditions.
“Be prepared for anything, a rain delay, an earthquake, locusts, being kidnapped by a cabal of Chicago Sting alumni, buying a crapload of tickets to Todd Ricketts’ kissing booth, being forced to legally marry an ocelot in one of our wacky radio bits, and always carry some sunblock, at least SPF 30. The sun is not something to be trifled with!”
Must be available for every game and be prepared to travel throughout the Major League Baseball season.
“We can’t give you Thursday off. Big game with the Rockies. I guess you’ll just have to go to your mother’s next funeral.”
Fluency with basic computer word processing and social media is required.
“Here’s your laptop, it has all the newest software on it, like WordPerfect 2.1, CorelDraw and you can log in to our Friendster account from here. Have at it!”
Preferred:
EEO Statement:
Equal Opportunity Employer Minorities/Women/Veterans/Disabled
“Would you say you are an Asian woman who lost one of your legs fighting in Grenada? No? Well, we probably won’t be calling you.”
So here’s your chance to apply, gang. Have at it:
https://cbs.avature.net/cbsradiocareers/Login?codes=Indeed_com_CBS&jobId=1041
Oh, and answers to the trivia questions?
What number did Mark Grace first wear with the Cubs when he made his debut in 1987 before they sewed up a number 17 jersey for him?
28
What former Cubs all-star did David Ross hit his first career homer off of?
Mark Grace
What’s Paul Bako’s middle name?
Paul
How many dudes did Starlin Castro shoot this offseason?
None (allegedly)
How did Kal Daniels get his first name?
Kalvoski “Kal” Daniels was named after the last name of a man his father served in the military with.
What was the name of the man Marty and tHom Brennaman killed on a Nevada highway in 1993, burned and buried and swore never to talk about again?
Roger Edwards
