America was stunned to learn that a 100 year old stadium, under reconstruction, didn’t have an optimal number of restrooms to serve a crowd that had been drinking for eight hours before the gates even opened yesterday.
By now you’ve heard the horror stories. Â Grown men had to pee in empty beer cups! Â Some of them just peed in corners! Â Oh, the humanity!
Hell, if Wrigley had one set of functioning men’s and women’s bathrooms last night, it’s more than Soldier Field ever had on a good day between 1971 and 2002.
If you expected another teary eyed teleconference from overmatched PR czar Julian Green, you were wrong. Â This time, Crane wrote a letter!
“Beginning tomorrow (Tuesday) night, we will supplement existing restrooms with portable units in the left-field concourse and outside Gate K,” President of Business Operations Crane Kenney wrote in the letter obtained by ESPN.com. “With these facilities in place, we will have approximately the same number of fixtures as we did at the end of the 2014 season. In addition, we are working with our game-day staff to help coordinate concourse traffic by communicating shortest wait times at all concourse facilities.”
And folks, we’re not just talking ordinary “Port-o-lets” here, we’re going all out. Â We’ve ordered the Cadillac of portable shithouses. Â We’re going Hi-Rise porta potties with urinals and hand santizer! Â Boom! Â Crane’s not messing around. Â These are so nice, our only worry is that you’ll like them better than your seats in the stadium and you won’t want to leave.
“Unfortunately, current construction has caused a temporary reduction in left-field concourse services, and on Sunday, we experienced a temporary malfunction of existing restrooms in the upper deck,” Crane Kenney wrote. “The combination of events led to unacceptable wait times throughout the ballpark.”
“Our investigation into what caused the unacceptable delays on Sunday night is not yet complete, but early test results on the blockage in the upper deck show a disturbingly high concentration of bologna-like matter caused what Chicago Haz-Mat ruled a “Cat 5 Super Clogger.” Â We’ll know more in the morning, but indications are that if that particular feces had had just two percent more mass than it did, that there was a chance that Lake Michigan would have been irreversibly turned into a septic whirlpool, and that no waterfowl within 1,000 miles would have survived.”
“We appreciate your patience and for bearing with us as we work to restore Wrigley Field,” Kenney wrote. “We are committed to ensuring ongoing construction does not lessen your experience at our ballpark. We will continue to monitor wait times and overall construction activity and will communicate developments as we go.”
“Those of you who were inconvenienced on Sunday night will receive something special. Â For every $100 you spend at any Chicago Cubs Gift Shop, you will receive an additional $5 in “Crane Bucks” which can be used to purchase any of our 100th Anniversary merchandise from last year at full price.”
“We’d also like to point out that none of the bathroom issues on Sunday were caused by any products built by our legacy partners at Sloan.”
Love,
Crane
