Thanks to a coma inducing lead-in from President Gee Dub (who said the word ‘neighborhood’ enough in his press conference to make you think it was a Mr. Rogers homage), Survivor: The Amazon started 50 minutes late. But it was worth the wait. If only, for the endless amounts of ridiculous actions we got to view.

Day 10 begins with 13 hostages left in the Amazon. Over at Tribe of the Vagina Monologues, old lady Jeanne kicks things off by saying (for the ninth straight day), “We have to get a shelter built.”

Joanna, our Christ-loving loud talker is mad that nobody but her and Jeanne ever go out and get some wood in the morning. I have a feeling over at SausageFest that there’s plenty of morning wood.

Shawna wakes up and says, “I’m am so tired of Jeanne and Joanna waking me up every morning with their dirty looks.” Those must be some loud looks, huh?

Tonight is “listen to Heidi say completely ridiculous things” night. She starts it off with a bang. “My philosophy is that if you want to do work, go ahead. I’ll take a nap and get ahead of you in the game.” I am without speech. Perhaps the Down Syndrome is not merely face deep with young Heidi.

Over at SausageFest, Rocket Scientist Dave, Butch and Matthew are out fishing. Dave says that pulling in little minnows isn’t getting it done. Alas, they didn’t even catch a little minnow. They then make a decision. After ten days in the Amazon, they’re finally going to find some worms to fish with. I could make an unfortunate rocket scientist-NASA shuttle explosion joke here, but I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

The guys go worming and find some. Who knew? They also find some scorpions.

Make that SCORPIONS!

And the Scorpions rock them like a hurricane!

OK. Actually they just found a real scorpion. Oh.

Back at Vagina Monologues, sweet little Shawna has her stupid Bono bug sunglasses on again.

Heidi is on another rant. “The bigger women have more fat to burn than us little girls,” she babbles. “They can do more work. We’re cute and need protecting.” Speak for yourself, Corky.

Joanna says to the girls, “You can’t expect something to just drop in your lap.”

Maybe she hasn’t met Deena. (Wink, wink, nudge, nudge)

Joanna goes on to say that “Beauty is a virtue, but it will fade.”

Jenna thinks that maybe that comment was intended for her and Heidi and Shawna. Gee, ya think? Well, maybe not Heidi.

“Me and Heidi are the skinnier and better looking of the group,” Jenna says, looking at the camera with a face that hasn’t been washed since the glorious bath scenes from three days ago.

Heidi’s delusions of grandeur continue. “From the beginning I knew I wanted to team up with Shawna and Jenna,” she says, just dying for a chance to tell us she’s a beauty again. “It’s easy for the rest to gang up on the cute girls.” Oh, shut up.

Shawna realizes that unless they add a fourth person to their clique, they’re screwed. Who are they going to pick? Who are three (supposedly) hot women going to cull from the herd? They pick the latently homosexual Deena. Nice choice. Deena tells the camera that she wanted to join them (uh huh) even though she’s married with two kids and doesn’t fit in. Married…with…what? Oh, never mind. The bull dyke jokes are too funny to stop now.

Back at SausageFest, oddly intense Matthew has caught a large fish. He says it’s a peacock bass. It’s a cool looking fish. It’s green with little peacock “eyes” on it. On closer inspection, it looks like the three-eyed fish Bart caught out of the reservoir by the Springfield Nuclear Plant.

Matthew tells the rest of the gang that, “I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that I’m going to smell like fish for a while!” What, is Deena nearby?

The reward challenge is the annual, stupid, build a fire, burn a rope challenge. Seeing as how the women needed to build a teepee for their campfire, they might as well just give the reward to SausageFest.

Jeff “Anal” Probst reveals that the prize is a “working refrigerator, stocked with Coke products.” WTF? How are they going to plug in a fridge in the Amazon? Yeah, this survival show isn’t getting hokey. Now they get to use a generator from the crew. Whatever.

Both teams are given some dry sticks, a flint, some metal and a magnifying glass. The women, try and start a fire by holding the magnifying glass over the flint. Wow. Somehow, God gives them fire (must have been thanks to Joanna) and they take an early lead.

The guys finally get their going and figure out to stand as close to the fire as they can physically stand it to keep the wind from screwing with the fire. They take the lead from Vagina Monologues.

Heidi yells out, “I’m trying to block the wind and blow!” Maybe she has some sort of brain parasite?

The guys literally cheer their fire on to victory. It was strangely….stupid. But they win, and make sure to all open their frosty, cold Cokes just as the women walk by on their shameful trek back to camp.

Shawna is taking the defeat hard. She’s lying on the ground moaning, “My body is sucking energy from my left toe.” She starts crying, and Deena tells her she’s dehydrated. Shawna says it’s a no coke depression. Kind of like what happened to Aaron Sorkin and caused the first ten episodes of West Wing to suck this year. Shawna bleats, “I feel like I’m blubbering idiot.” That’s because you are. Now you and Heidi finally have something in common.

Shawna tells Quisty the def giwl dat she can’t make it tirty mo days. Deena tells Shawna to suck it up. Oh, so many jokes… Shawna says that if Tribal Council was tonight, she’d want out.

Over at SausageFest, Dave is excited about ending the losing streak. The fridge has been delivered and yes, it’s an actual fridge. Just like you see on porches all across Tennessee.

Roger is reading the nutritional information on the Coke can out loud. Whatever.

Now it’s time to cook Matt’s fish. They put it on some sort of spit and roast it. Then, they tear into it. Matthew is finally fitting in. The “I’m a freak” target is off his back. Then he says, “Don’t let that eyeball go to waste.” And he eats it. Sigh. He was a non-freak for maybe 15 minutes.

Dave tells the camera that it was a perfect Survivor day. Yeah, lots of people stranded in the jungle are given a case of Coke and a fridge. Way to rough it.

Rob is bored and decides to tell the guys tales of his karaoke exploits back home. He then launches into a horrendous rendition of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling”. Ouch. The guys all join in and nobody knows the words. Rob says, “This is what happens to eight guys when there are no women around.”

Karry Ling just reported that, “There’s not enough hand lotion in the world.” Eww, Karry. Stop it.

Butch says he’s more comfortable without the women around. That explains his name, I suppose.

Roger thinks Rob was serious in his karaoke story. “I think it’s sad. Rob is enthusiastic, but it’s pathetic. He’s 24 years old and is singing karaoke in his basement?”

He was kidding, you old coot. You’re loud. You smell like vinegar. You have no sense of humor. You should be tied to rock and sent out “swimming.”

Over at Vagina Monologues, the tree mail has arrived before dawn. That can only mean one thing. Fishing challenge!

The tribes arrive at Crazy Anal’s Fishing Spot and Shawna is forced to return the tribe’s Immunity Calvin back to Anal.

Immunity is back up for grabs.

Anal explains that both teams will be sent to a fishing spot and given an hour to catch as many fish as they can. The winner gets the Immunity Calvin and they get to keep the fish they caught. I think they should get the fish the losing tribe caught, too. But that’s just me.

Anal shows them the fish they’re likely to catch. They’re pirahna. How fun! Jeff shows them a big one that can “bite your finger clean off.”

Shawna and her emotional baggage are picked to sit this one out.

After a few minutes, Jeanne yells out, “Hey, I caught a fish!” In the middle of a fishing contest, this seemed incredibly vapid. It’d be like Michael Jordan making a layup in the first quarter and yelling, “Hey, I scored two points!”

Because they’re all afraid of pirahnas, members of both tribes are catching fish, swinging their lines over the shore and stomping on them to make sure they die before they dig the hook out. Heidi, though, has a new technique. She’s apparently trying to kill them by waving at them. It might cause Jake to swoon, but I doubt it will kill a fish.

As Anal warns that contest time is ending, Joanna catches a stick. She pulls it out of the water and says, “Son of a biscuit.”

Somehow, you know Joanna is hoping that Jesus will stroll across the river and turn their six ounces of caught fish into 40 pounds so they can beat the men.

Anal takes both team’s catches and puts them on a big scale. He releases the pin and the men’s catch is easily heavier than the women’s. Somewhere, Edward G. Robinson yells at Joanna, “Where’s your messiah now?”

Hey, it’s Lent! I’m just getting ready for the ABC tradition of watching “The Ten Commandments” on Easter Sunday night.

The men hold the Immunity Calvin and rejoice. Another woman will be sent packing, evening up the tribes again.

Back at Vagina Monologues, Shawna stands up and falls down. “Ooh, I was lightheaded,” she says. Gee, ya think?

Jeanne says she’s voting Shawna off because she’s sick. She’s not sick, Jeanne. She’s a wuss. Shawna has figured out that Jeanne, Joanna and Quisty are voting for her.

Deena says she “doesn’t want to get screwed.” Again…so many jokes…

So Deena and Heidi and Jenna go to Quisty and twy and puhswade her to vote wif dem. Quisty is no dummy, though. She wants to know if they voting for Joanna. They tell her they are and she says, “Giddy up!” OK, she didn’t say that, but if she did, it’d have been, “Gwiddy up!”

Quisty says, “Joanna duz get da big monstuh fish. Shawnuh wants out. We are making her twapped.” Quisty needs her own show.

The girls dress for Tribal Council. Jenna has a Rush Zeta shirt on. For a moment I thought it just said Rush and I thought the show was going to give musical shout outs to The Scorpions, The Righteous Brothers and Rush all in one episode. I’m sure that sorority girl shirt will really help Jenna fit in with the cast of losers.

At Tribal Council, Joanna says, “I try and keep the spirituality up by singing and saying quotes.” Yeah…that’s…great?

Deena is asked who is doing well and who’s not. She says that Quisty is doing well and that Shawna is struggling. Shawna has a smile on her face because she’s imaginging getting a massage in the Amazon Five Star Hotel she’ll get to go to when she’s booted.

Not so fast, missy.

The votes come in with Shawna two and Joanna four. Jeff says there’s one more, but that it doesn’t matter because Joanna has to go. Jeanne looks like somebody just shot her dog. Shawna looks like she’s going to throw up. I love this show.

In Joanna’s final words she sends by singing “Hallelujiah!” Oh, shut up.

In our scenes from next week we see that Shawna is still crying and that “it’s date night for Dave and Jenna.” Jenna’s taking a shower and Dave’s watching her through the little curtain. She’s just slutty enough that we might get our first confirmed Survivor nookie. Well, at least since Kel practiced self love in Africa, that is.

But before we wrap this up, we should note who the mysterious seventh vote was cast for. It was Shawna’s vote and she voted for Quisty. It’s not because she didn’t know that her “alliance” was voting for Joanna. Shawna wanted out. She’s not allowed to vote for herself. She knew that Heidi, Deena and Jenna were voting for Joanna. She thought that Jeanne, Joanna and Quisty were voting for her. That meant if she didn’t vote for Joanna there’d be a tie between her and Joanna, and that was her only chance of getting to go home.

Yikes.

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Rosey takes an axe out and hacks up everybody. Good stuff. He even has a bit on Rashaan Salaam. My favorite Salaam line was after his rookie year he came to camp and announced he’s lost eight pounds. Somebody said, “I didn’t realize a football weighed that much.”

Kordell and his creeping face fungus stopped by at Halas Hall yesterday. When free agent quarterback pickings are so slim that people are clamoring for Kordell, you’ve got problems.

Steve Stone has a girlfriend and some dogs and a new job. How nice for him.

Tyson and Eddy had a little dunk party on Troy Murphy last night. There are nights, and they happen more frequently now, when you can see the Bulls future and don’t have to cringe.

Are we supposed to feel bad that the Bulls didn’t draft Gilbert Arenas? Every team in the league passed him at least once. Besides, the Bulls have one too many point guards as it is.

Phil Rogers is stealing money again. Today he contends that Carlos Lee is better than Ken Griffey, Jr. I’ll be off in the corner self-flagellating.

Don’t listen to what the Sox tell you. Willie Harris can not, and will never, hit Major League pitching.

How could anybody ever forget The Farns? Can’t happen. So far this spring, nobody’s been able to hit him, either.

Call the Cubs trainers and have them stock up on embalming fluid. The decaying corpse of Troy O’Leary has been the Cubs best offense this spring.

Bill Self says it’s time to put Wisconsin in the rear view mirror. I say that every day.

John Jackson with some exciting TV golf news!

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to pen another love note to (now) departing Northwestern AD Rick Taylor.

Bobby Hill doesn’t have a hit yet. Come on Bobby, even Banarama had one hit!

Royce Clayton and Todd Ritchie are getting fresh starts in Milwaukee. Another reason I’m not getting season tickets this year.

The Wizard of Roz doesn’t like being teased with Joe Borchard. Personally, I don’t like being teased with ice cream. That’s just me.

Peerless Price is going to Atlanta, according to ESPN underwear supermodel Len Pasquarelli. Hey, do you think we can get a first rounder for Dez White? Maybe in the WNBA draft…

Patrick Ewing, Jr. is going to Indiana to play for Mike Davis. Big whup, some day one college coach will fill all of his scholarships by signing the Shawn Kemp, Jrs.

Jim Bowden says he won’t trade Junior to Baltimore. ETA on the Junior to Baltimore trade: three days.

Stewey feels sorry for St. Bonaventure’s players. I think they should suck it up and play the games left on their schedule. You know why? Because basketball’s fun.

Larry King is insane.

A look at the Diamondbacks trying to make Byung Hung Kim a starter. Any team dumb enough to depend on Matt Mantei’s right arm as a closer deserves this to go horribly wrong.

EW on last night’s Survivor.

Jimmy Gandolfini wants some more cash. What’s new?

Big whup.

A report says that two of Osama bin Laden’s sons have been caught. Now is when we need that bed spring with the car battery hooked up to like in Rambo II.

Moron Dole and Clinton’s 60 Minutes debates.

Helen Thomas didn’t get to ask a question at last night’s Presidential Press Conference. That’ll teach the old gas bag.

In a related story, Panama City’s mayor said that the Girls Gone Wild cast had better keep their boobs covered this spring break.

America’s finest news source has found an Alaskan moose with a dim awareness of Drew Barrymore’s career. Kind of like Drew herself.