The news on the ESPN crawl yesterday morning made me smile. I’m not above being petty or insolent and so when I saw that Ricky Williams was retiring from football at 27, I immediately realized just how totally screwed Dave Wannstedt would be feeling all day.
And then, like any good Bears’ fan, I started to wonder just what the Dolphins would give up to get Anthony Thomas. How great is this? Not only is Wanny’s quest to save his job now totally impossible, but to have even any chance he and former Bears’ front office nitwit Rick Spielman will have to come crawling to the Bears for any chance at salvaging their season?
This is almost as good as waking up to see “NL — Cardinals place Lassie Edmonds on 15-Day DL (anal perforation).” But that’ll wait until Tuesday.
There are always three possible positive outcomes for Bears’ fans on Sundays. The first of course is a win. That’s what we want most of all. Secondly, there’s a Packers loss. Hopefully one that involves the oppnent setting the record for most PATs in NFL history, or Brett Far-vuhruh leaving the field on a gurney. Third, there’s a Dolphins’ loss, hopefully one in which a sweaty, mumbling Wannstedt has to defend calling all three second half timeouts in the third quarter because he couldn’t figure out which “Dot” to bet on, on the JumboTron Dot Races.
It’s not just that Dave Wannstedt failed in his stint in Chicago, it’s that along the way, he completely destroyed what little pride the franchise had. He drafted a punter in the second round one year. The next year he used a second round draft pick on a guy who missed the season after reconstructive knee surgery. He traded for Rick Mirer!
But anybody can make a few dumb personnel decisions. Wanny was more than just that. Though the Bears’ offensive line was a sieve he stuck by his personal bobo Tony Wise. In fact, Wise is the assistant head coach in Miami and (I wish I was making this up) once stuck his hand in Wanny’s pants during a game to throw the replay challenge flag for him. Wanny’s players hated him. They didn’t trust him, and nobody ever looked dumber in a stocking cap than Dave Wannstedt.
So there.
So why is Ricky retiring? We won’t know until he gives his obligatory “exclusive” interview to Dan LeBatard, but Chris Mortensen seems to think that Ricky’s love of marijuana might have something to do with it. I think, like Robert Smith before him (not the one from The Cure), Ricky didn’t like football. I think he was just good at it and it was a way to make money. After a while, it’s just a hassle. So if you don’t love it, you just cash out. The best part of it is the timing. It completely screws the Dolphins. If he’d done it earlier they could have drafted a running back, or signed a free agent. Now there’s nothing left. It’s almost like Ricky purposely waited until Eddie George and Antowain Smith had left the market before he made the decision.
If that indeed was part of the reason for the timing of the announcement, I’d like to give Ricky a big manly hug. Then, again. Maybe I’ll just wave.
—
Which Cubs loss over the weekend was more frustrating? The “get a million chances to score in the last four innings and only cash in for one run” game on Saturday? Or yesterday’s “hey, let’s make Eric Milton look like Sandy Koufax” game on Sunday?
Just when the Cubs get a little momentum going they prove that it’s meaningless by throwing out the anchor on the season, again.
Admit it, when you heard that Alex Gonzalez was a late scratch for yesterday’s game you started hoping he was being traded. Don’t count on it. Nobody wants Alex. To use some inside baseball lingo, “Alex stinks.” Four times on Saturday he had chances to drive in runs, and did nothing. In a ninth inning pinch hitting appearance on Sunday he made it five straight at bats. Cooperstown asked for his bat, especially since it’s in mint condition.
But the Cubs showed some scrap, and not only avoided the no-hit bid by Milton (thanks mostly to rocket scientist Doug Glanville getting miscalculating the tangent and letting a Michael Barrett pop up drop in for the first hit), and even scored twice to tie the game.
That just let LaTroy come in and complete the implosion he’s been working on for about a month now.
There’s no good reason why LaTroy can’t close games. He throws strikes, he’s got good stuff…but he can’t do it. He’s a disaster. If you don’t make a move for a closer, at least let The Farns finally have his shot. He may also go down in flames, but at this point, what is there to lose?
What was worse, three hours of tHom Brennaman and Steve Lyons on Saturday or one solitary comment by Chip Caray yesterday? After Glanville broke the wrong way and dove and missed Barrett’s “double” the next two Cubs (Jose Macias and Alex) made outs. Then, Mark Grudzielanek singled and Chip said, “There’s a clean single up the middle, and Glanville is off the hook.” Steve Stone even sat in stunned silence for a moment before saying, “Except, Chip, had Glanville caught the ball, Mark never bats this inning.” Oops!
You know Chip wanted Milton to get the no-hitter. He was probably obsessing over what witty catch phrase to apply to the final out. My guess…”He’s done it! A no hitter! For this Milton, it’s Paradise Found!”
But then, that’s assuming Chip has ever hard of John Milton, or “Paradise Lost”, so it probably would have just as cloying, but not as intelligent. Probably something like this.
“He’s done it! A no hitter! If you take the last two letters of his last name and read them backwards that’s how many hits he gave up! No! Er…none! Whatever!”
Or, “It took 29 years and a ton of mil to no-hit the Cubs!”
The truth is, I find Milton as boring as you do. I think even Mrs. Milton found him boring. He’s kind of longwinded. But that doesn’t excuse you from doing your assigned reading. I’m not kidding! It’s my job!
Wait, where was I?
The Cubs are in Milwaukee for four games and that means they’ll score three times! How exciting.
—
I promised you the first Ask Andy column on Friday and it took me longer than I anticipated to get through the e-mails. (Hey, that’s plausibly true.) Anyway, you’ll really get one today. I promise.
—
Intrepid reader Jeffrey Goldstein sent in this link to a San Jose Mercury News column urging everyone to boycott ESPN. The guy’s right on a lot of things (saying “Good ESPN is…Harold Reynolds”) is not one of them. But for the most part he’s right. I’d like to put Mike Hall on the Budweiser Hot Seat and set it ablaze. And I’m disturbed that they let David Aldrige go. Typical.
The Cubs nearly capitalized on Glanville’s misplay…until LaTroy got a hold of things.
LaTroy and LaAlex might be on LaBench.
Will the Bears trade the A-Train for Wally Ogunleye? If only to make Jeff Joniak try and pronounce it.
Sandberg could be in next year’s Hall of Fame class. So could Ron Santo. Don’t hold your breath on either count.
Phil Rogers extolls the virtues of coke addict Paul Molitor and alcoholic Dennis Eckersley. Rogers also notes that Eck is still friends with Rick Manning even though Manning stole Eck’s first wife. Like some of you out there don’t wish that somebody’d come steal your wife?
Rick Morrissey says that both Chicago baseball teams are cursed. Whatever.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that the Cubs need a closer. This is what they pay him the big bucks for.
Jeesh, even Mike Kiley got the Milton reference. Maybe Chip would have figured it out?
Todd Hollandsworth’s still not ready.
Dusty says he’s not a structural engineer. Really?
Kevin Kelley’s still bad.
I like Sports Guy, but I’d been noticing lately that he’d been including references to “The Sports Gal” in many of his recent columns. (All needlessly, too.) In his newest mailbag he…well…do we think maybe he’s had his manhood questioned a few times? I’m not saying…I’m just saying…
Peter King on Ricky Williams’ departure.
Dan Bickley says the Unit is leaving. Dan Bickley’s a nitwit, though. At least once this week you’ll hear talk that the three-way (Beltran-Wellemeyer-Harris)-Nomar-Unit trade is back on. You can bet on that.
The Big Unit expects a trade and the Phillies don’t want Kenny Lofton.
Ed Wade’s got the red-ass going.
If you see the tank…the Reds are in it.
Saddam likes muffins!
“Dr. the anesthesia isn’t working.”
“Oh, I’ll just make some more.”
Britney’s fiance is a real winner.
The world’s greatest newspaper on how to become a pimp in six days.
Halle’s no lasagna lover, that’s for sure.
That kitten’s got claws, but her movie sure is a dog. Or maybe a turkey.
Eye candy, sure, but Berry is a talentless, busted arm, pedestrian-running down hack.
How could anybody not want Kenny Lofton?
Ohmigod, I was twitching with convulsions as Chip made me so disgusted yesterday.
I was hoping for a no-hitter just so something that extreme might wake Dusty the f*** up and stop putting the guy with the third-lowest average in the 3-hole.
But Chip practically needed to wipe himself with a towel he was so friggin’ giddy. Reminiscing about a combined no-hitter he saw that inolved Alejandro Pena, etc. A REAL Cub announcer would have been pressing for the Cubs to tie the game and pull it out, taking the series.
They are, after all, still fighting for a playoff spot, you assclown Chip.
It got so bad I had to flip on ESPN as they cut in to Harry Kalas’ hometown call. If I want to hear someone spewing his wad in excitement, at least let’s hear the guy who SHOULD be excited–the announcer for the team throwing a no-no.
Chip has to go so badly. Some guy here directed the Desipio readers to an online petition to not bring Chippy back last week. Unfortunately, the pettion quickly de-evolved into a smart-ass-a-thon (What the? never mind). It’s like people complaining about their elected officials but not botehring to vote. Enough people stop by here where we could at least try to mobilize others and actively move to canning his ass.
Like Andy once said, Chip should be spinning the light hits from the 70’s on an FM station in Clearwater, FL, not soiling the broadcasts of a ballclub that has four generations of followers.
I’m the reason the Saturday game was worse. I mean, coming into the day, I had no wins this year and no RBI ever.
And I was released by Tampa Bay.
If it’s not one thing (like say a 9-run rally by your most hated rivals which includes a home run from SO TAGUCHI), then it’s another (like maybe a passed ball by the worst catcher in the history of the world — yes, this includes you, Steve Swisher — to lose a 10-9 impaler to your hated rivals).
Oh yeah, and Chase Utley (Thumbs Up!) drove in two runs against The Franchise.
Really.
I was at my parents’ house watching yesterday’s game (which is more difficult than you might imagine because it puts a severe crimp in my profanity and yelling). My mom asked "Is that the Phillies’ announcer?" as Chip was beating off in the late innings. I said "No, Mom, that’s just a dumb ass." She said "Oh, that is Chip".
I once hated Jeff Blauser so much that I snuck down to the club boxes by third base at Wrigley and called him the worst player I’d ever seen in a Cubs uniform. I also called him a "Four million dollar turd" and remarked very loudly (loud enough that the third base umpire was laughing and cringing) that I’d seen better third basemen in the wives/kids game. Well, my hatred of Mark Grudzielanek is approaching that level. A friend says it isn’t Grud’s fault that Dusty is putting him in the lineup every day. But we can still hate him.
Mike – Yeah, those online petitions work so well. Thank goodness we all signed the one to get George W. Bush impeached… It’ll only be a matter of time before the higher-up listen to The Really Important Thing we are whining about this week.
Dave – Blauser played 3rd? Odd, considering I thought he was a really crappy SS, just like the one Dusty trots out there.
I gave up after the 6th inning and went to the store. I didn’t even bother to listen to the game in the car – I figured they’d get no-hit. When I came out of the store, I turned the game on just in time to hear Corey tie the game with a double. I said to my future son-in-law, who went with me, "nice they tied it up, but they’ll blow it in the bottom of the ninth". Sure enough, LaFemme NiHawkins did just that. But my wife, who usually can tune Chip out, muted the sound in the ninth because she couldn’t stand hearing Chip fellate Milton any longer.
I was one of the people who signed the petition, seriously. I too was sorry to see it end up a smartass-a-thon. It’s bad enough that our team appears to be Dead Cubs (barely) Walking (or Striking Out, usually) – having to listen to Chip is just too much.
They deserved to get no-hit. They needed to get no-hit. Jim Hendry deserved to be embarrassed for constructing this team the way he did and not improving it since February.
This team has wasted the best starting pitching seen in this city since Ed Reulbach, Mordecai Brown (if I call him Three Finger people will think it’s a Halle Berry referrence) and Jack Pfiester.
Dusty’s just working with what Hemdry gave him. Wanna bat Rey Rey and Korey 2nd? You’re a moron, Dusty.
Not getting him something better? That’s Hendry. He’s been a dismal failure this year. The season may have been lost back in December when Grud was resigned.
I got a single!
I got a splinter!
I’m back!
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/wire?section=mlb&id=1846181
AD –
I’ve been reading your site for about 3-4 years and have always enjoyed it.
Yet lately it seems that you have delved into childish territory on almost every Daily Dose you write. Today’s might have been the worst.
Stop being so damn bitter all the time. And try not to recycle jokes every damn day. The Jim Edmonds loves dogs thing goes only so far.
You’re a talented writer with a lot of wit and insight. Anyone can make dick and fart jokes, but you’ve got the brain to step it up.
I want to continue reading the column, but if it gets worse, I may have to resort to only reading the links.
Just some thoughts …
This is why this season has been so frustrating. Not because the Cubs aren’t in 1st place, not because they don’t kill every opponent. I wasn’t expecting miracles after last year. But it sucks that they already HAVE some of the tools to be better, they just don’t use them.
1) Hawkins is lights out as a set-up man. Why are they running out Rem and Farns to set-up when they have one of the best set-up guys in baseball? After this closer experiment didn’t work, why not move LaTroy back to set-up and try someone else to close? No, not these Cubs: they just stick with a situation that obviously doesn’t work.
2) Mark Grud sucks. He’s the same crabby Mark Grud that b1tched and moaned his way out of LA packaged with an aging expensive Eric Karros for the horrible Todd freakin Hundley. Who cares about loyalty? They already paid him his ginormous salary for last year, right? For god’s sack, Walker is sitting on the bench so this piece of crap can play.
"You’re a talented writer with a lot of wit and insight."
20 bucks says #12 is Ricky Williams post blunt….
I went to the game yesterday with some buddies – we had great seats on the first base side, 20 rows back. Four guys in Cubs paraphenelia – Sosa jerseys, Cubs hats; and me, wearing a game-worn Cubs Glanville jersey I picked up at the Wrigley tent sale on the last weekend of ’99. So throughout the game we kept yelling to each other, trying to jinx the no-no – ‘Hey, aren’t you not supposed to talk about no hitters?,’ etc. with many heckles around us. But when Barrett finally broke through and got the single because of Glanville’s miscue – it certainly wasn’t pretty being a Cubs fan wearing a Glanville jersey. They booed the shit out of him. If it wasn’t a Sunday afternoon family day, I would have feared for my safety.
Why didn’t Dusty walk Burrell with first open and one out in the ninth? Not that LaChoke wouldn’t have blown the game anyways, but it would have set up the force against a worse hitter.
As it was, great ballpark. Up there with Camden and new Comiskey (kidding) as far as the new parks are concerned. Also some of the wives were there at the game – Mrs. Thome is nice, but Mrs. Millwood has a freaky spiked haircut – very Grace Jones circa the bad Bond movie, but she’s white.
I’m so depressed. I can’t sleep. This sucks.
…and keep up the fart jokes.
I know this isn’t what I get paid nothing to say, but I figure this is the time to say it:
This team is brutal. Just brutal.
There. Hope this helps…
If I were Dusty Baker I’d make Patterson do push ups every time he hits a ball in the air. Even though he go lucky yesterday.
Blauser was equally crappy at SS and 3B during his illustrious tenure as a Cub. In fact, I have named the annual honor I bestow on my most hated Cub the "Jeff Blauser Award". It’s pretty much no contest this year, and there’s still two months left in the season.
I predict Matt Stairs will be back in a Cub uniform by week’s end.
Im glad it wasnt my imagination yesterday that Chippy seemed to be rooting for the no-hitter! I think he knows he wont be back next year because he no longer even pretends to root for the cubs. Also what was that crap last week when he said on a fairly windy day that Adam freakin Dunn could reach the scoreboard on a day like today, never mind the wind wasnt blowing that hard, but what about the Babe, Sosa, McGuire, Bonds, Aaron, Mays they’ve all played there and its NEVER been done. Please someone put us out of our misery and fire this Idiot!!!!!
Since you can get rid of Chip by muting the TV, I’d prefer somebody fire the idiots that are Wendell Kim and Sarge. Hell, I’m sick of Dusty’s dumb ass too.
I honestly think the "humor" was pretty well balanced today. We had our requisite Jim Edmonds joke about his anus, but you also got jokes that involved tangents, John Milton, the Dot Races and Pat Riley (the old Bear, not the castoff from Tequila Sunrise-NBA coach.)
Fine, Andy. I’ll admit it. Bagwell blows and D Lee is much better.
As a side note, chip is terrible so i feel for you guys, but no one is worse than Tim McCarver. NO ONE. what an assbag.
Tex, you forgot Billy Packer. But, if you are talking about just baseball announcers, then yes, McCarver is the worst there is.
But, if we are talking about announcers for all sports, Packer gets the automatic #1 spot on the top of my list of worst announcers.
Tex, I respectfully disagree
Chip has digressed steadly since the very first day that the wretched assbag started with the Cubs. My second most favorite daydream involves me throwing myself full-speed at his knees, and once he toppled over, I start punching him in the larnyx over and over again until his ability to speak is forever irretrievably destroyed.
Of course, my first daydream is Rachael Ray giving me a topless hummjob while she bakes me a cake, and the ESPN crawler announces that Gonzalez and Grud and prospects are traded to Seattle for Everyday Eddie.
Oh yeah…#12, you wouldn’t happen to sometimes go by the name "Darin", would you, you pompous four-flushing turd-licking chump?
Wow, the Dolphins are having one of the most brutal offseasons of any NFL team since Mike McCaskey’s idiocy gave us Dick Jauron and Greg Blache. Check out the timeline:
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/southflorida/sfl-doltime26jul26,0,5505405.story?coll=sfla-home-headlines
If we were to acquire Chip Caray’s personal email address (not the wgn one, he doesn’t even read those) does anyone here have the guts to pen an open letter to him?
I may be able to get it…
Go away.
Love,
Desipio
I think he is listed in the phone book there. A few years back, I looked it up when I w as there on vacation for the hell of it and sure eough, it was listed.
I got this parasite from ass fucking another man.
Caray, Harry C
Winter Park, FL 32789-2728
(407) 740-7162
fucking
Caray, Harry
180 E Pearson St
Chicago, IL 60611-6728
(312) 266-0516
In http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=behrens/040726, I say:
Chip brings an electric guitar with him on road trips. "I play a Gibson, Les Paul. I’ve got an ES-355," he says. "So I just schlep it around. People don’t know."
Thanks a lot, jerkface. I thought I was going to be talking with the fat-tongued Harry Caray himself. Instead, when I called the number in #35, I got some restaurant….
It is quite the insult that the Chipper is in fact named after himself, King of all Media.
And, Andy, you know my handle by now.
I just wanted to call a press conference to announce that I don’t have an intestinal parasite.
At *my* press conference, it was revealed that the amoebas that have infected Jason were sourced via my glans.
I think somebody can write an open letter to Chip for you:
https://www.desipio.com/archives/00000243.htm
Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless hosting PTI???????? ESPN just entered another circle of Hell….
Why does anyone on this planet believe that Skip Bayless ever wrote anything worth reading?
Tonight I’ll get another splinter! I miss the Red Sox.
Over the last 3 1/2 games the Cubs have hit into 16 foul pop ups, their opponents have hit into 3. That is just very bad luck.
Whew, I needed that. Cubs Win!!
What’s the difference between Edgar Rentaria and a refrigerator?
The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.
That really wasn’t very funny.
FEAST ON ME!!!!!1