There was a reason that during this stay in Chicago we called him Crazy Julian, and Julian Tavarez’s mental shortcomings were on display for the world to see yesterday. After surrendering the lead on a pitch to Carlos Beltran that Carlos needed a shovel to get to, Julian lost whatever’s left of his mind, and his control. Of his next 12 pitches, eleven of them were balls and three of them turned the youngest Molina into a contortionist behind home plate. He nearly brained Jeff Bagwell, then yelled at him, and all the while The Genius stood in the dugout, in disbelief.
Yesterday morning Outside the Lines did a piece on the 15th anniversary of the World Series earthquake, and Tony LaRussa looked less rattled by the collison of techtonic plates than the did Crazy Julian’s act. Jeff Pornstache would inexplicably let Tavarez off the hook with a double play, but that only started the entertaining portion of Julian’s Sunday meltdown.
Fox’s cameras followed Julian into the dugout where he windmilled both arms like he was trying to take flight, then he punched at the air, then threw his glove, kicked a gatorade bucket and tried, with no luck, to rip the bullpen phone off the wall. He did everything short of strip down to his jock and try and ride Cody McKay around the on deck circle.
The Genius would later be angered at the Astros because during the break between the top and bottom of the eighth, they showed a replay of Julian’s antics.
The Genius would say that he “thought the Astros had a classy organization.” That’s right, the classless organization is the one who shows a video of what one of the other team’s players did, not the organization that writes checks to said dumbass.
All the Cardinals had to do was to beat Houston in either game three or four to pretty much wrap up the NLCS. As it stands, the Astros still don’t have to win a game pitched by anybody other than Fat Roger or Roy Oswalt. For his part, Oswalt was bad yesterday, but the Astros won anyway.
The Cardinals’ remain the same happy bunch they’ve been all season. When Tony LaRussa came out to take out starter Jason Marquis in the fifth (after allowing Marquis to throw a pitch to Carlos Beltran), Fox’s TV cameras caught Marquis’ reaction to LaRussa (wearing sunglasses—inside) coming onto field. Marquis said, plain as day, “This is f@#$ing unbelievable.”
You know, I thought the Cardinals had a classy organization.
My favorite moment came in the Cardinals’ eighth inning. Brad Lidge was in after throwing 40 pitches on Saturday afternoon and Fox’s brilliant announcing crew of tHom Brennaman, Steve Lyons and Bob Brenly’s mustache all agreed that the Cardinals would be patient and try to rack up a high pitch count on Lidge.
Here’s how that worked.
Hector Luna (inexplicably in for Edgar Renteria) strikes out on three pitches.
Yadier Molina grounds to second on the third pitch.
Roger Cedeno (batting for the second left fielder of the day, So Taguchi) grounds to Bagwell on the first pitch.
Three batters, three outs, seven pitches. I’m sure Lidge needed a nap after that.
In the ninth, there was one lump in the throat moment as Spanish-American war hero Albert Pujols flew out to deep left field (deep left at Minute Maid Park is about 145 feet from home) and the camera angle Fox used made it look like he’d hit one to Galveston.
Now the Cardinals and Astros are tied and tonight’s matchup of Woody Williams and Brandon Backe might just be the one that decides the pennant. Backe didn’t pitch well in game one, but neither did Williams, and the last time Woody toed the slab in Houston he gave up ten hits and eight runs in three innings. A win tonight by the Astros would mean they would need a win out of either Clemens or Oswalt at the Big Urinal Cake, not both.
St. Louis’ best chance might be to have Williams try and drill future Cub Carlos Beltran and knock him out of the series.
Oh, who am I kidding, Woody couldn’t hit him hard enough to break anything.
—-
Fox gave us an uncomfortably close close-up of Carlos in the dugout after his game-winning homer and let’s just say that when they zoomed in on the right side of his face that…uh, um…if ABC ever brings back Celebrity Mole, Carlos is a natural.
Eww.
Even Drew Brees flinched when he saw that thing.
You expect Buck Russell to give him a quarter and point him to the bus station.
—-
The ALCS is over, but give the Red Sox credit not only for getting a surprisingly well-pitched game out of Derek Lowe, but also for coming back against their nemesis, Mariano Rivera. The Yankees squandered too many chances to add on an insurance run and left Rivera no room for error.
So, this afternoon it’s Pedro Martinez and Mike Mussina and what might just be our final GameCast of the 2004 season. Giddy up.
—-
What the hell are the Bears going to do at quarterback?
I have a theory about Jonathan Quinn and that his right arm is still injured. The one thing he had in his stint in Jacksonville (he hardly ever played in Kansas City) was a strong arm. That hasn’t been in evidence with the Bears. Every throw is a rainbow, and has just as much chance of being caught by an opponent as it does of being caught by a Bear.
Let’s just say that if he is healthy, then he’s officially the worst quarterback ever to play for the Bears. He makes Steve Stenstrom look like Joe Montana. Here’s how bad it was yesterday. If Kordell Stewart had played quarterback for the Bears yesterday they would have won that game. I’m 100 percent certain about this, and Kordell was terrible! It is highly likely that the best quarterback on the Bears’ payroll right now is QB coach Wade Wilson. Just how sad is that?
Isn’t it about time to call Greg Landry for another comeback? Maybe the Bears can convince the NFL to let Erik Kramer use a cane on the field?
So what do they do now? On the postgame show on Comcast, Marv Levy went off on Quinn and I started to think maybe Marv could suit up on Sunday night against the Bucs? Do the Bears go to Chad Hutchinson (he of the dubious ability and even more dubious intellect?) or do they go with deer-in-the-headlights Craig Krenzel? This is like trying to pick your favorite Hussein brother. There are no winners here.
Speaking of Comcast, I’d like to compliment Gale Sayers on just how hot his daughter, and SportsNite host, Kerry is.
Fine, she’s not Gale’s daughter but she is pretty hot.
Besides, every time the camera’s on her, that means it’s not on Luke Stuckmeyer.
Why do you think we put her on a show known as "Sports Rise?"
I recall being in Wrigley the Sunday that Crime DOG McGriff played his first game as a Cub. Crazy Julian pissed off Mouthbreathin’ Matt so much that they nearly brawled on a couple of occasions. However, because both of them are pussies, nothing really materialized.
It’s interesting to hear all these feel-good stories about how "together" this 2004 Cardinals team is. Sure, 100-plus regular-season wins will do that to any team. But it was a mere 13 months ago that this team folded like a house of cards afet losing four of five in early September in Wrigley. It’s also a team where Scott Rolen and Tino Martinez were going to throw The Genius out of the dugout if a fight started. And it’s a team whose lefty reliever flipped off The Genius in June when he didn’t bring him onto the game.
Andy’s right: a win by Backe against the BP-tossing Woodrow Williams means it heads back to the Urinal Cake needing just one win out of Roger or Roy-O. But we should all know that means nothing, as a 2003 3-2 lead and Prior and Wood proved.
A co-worker drove to St. Louis friday morning to stand in line for World Series tickets. "The best fans in baseball" nearly rioted when people butted in line and scalpers dropped off vanloads of people from a homeless shelter who they paid $25 to stand in line. People actually shoved the
people back into some of the vans and there were chants to "tip it over". Several others were led away in handcuffs. Brilliant.
I’ve been having discussions amongst my cronies with regards to how much we’re likely to fork over to a few of our Arbitration Eligible and Free Agent players. Anyone not on this list we aren’t keeping (hence the ommision of The Farns and Mercker).
Here’s what we’ve come up with so far (everything is in millions, naturally):
Z – $6
Patterson – $4.75
Macias – $1
Barrett – $3
Nomar – $8.5 (anymore and we take Renteria)
Glendon Spahn – $2.5
Walker – $2.5
Hollandsworth – $1.5
Perez – $1.5
Bako – $1
Sweet! A raise, and I didn’t even do anything!
"Hector Luna (inexplicably in for Edgar Renteria) strikes out on three pitches.
Yadier Molina grounds to second on the third pitch.
Roger Cedeno (batting for the second left fielder of the day, So Taguchi) grounds to Bagwell on the first pitch."
Is there something wrong with this?
There’s no way Patterson goes from $550k to +$4 million given the way he finished the year. $1.5mm max, and that’s about $1.499999 too much.
There’s always me!
You’re not keeping me?
F— you Jim Hendry! I go play for Astros!
Do a Google Image Search for me and this is what you get!
Lawdy, lawdy, I likes to pawdy!
We have a handy guide to getting autographed photos of our "talent" and for booking them to attend your next "function."
http://chicago.comcastsportsnet.com/contact.asp
It says nothing about whether or not Kerry Sayers is available for bachelor parties. Gail Fisher still is, but ever since she started dating Corey Patterson she just flails at anything and it’s over in six seconds.
Chill out, Aramis! Jim obviously just forgot about you. It happens, especially when you’re busy setting up contracts for important guys like me and Gabor.
Chuck is ripping Corey?
I’m in shock.
Goddamn, I make the Farns seem like a perfectly reasonable fellow.
Screw you, Dolan! I’m a star on a regional cable network! I’m the new Damon Andrews! I’ll get more ass than a toilet seat in this town!
Anybody see my hair yesterday? I look like I combed it with a stick. A very pointy stick.
Let me grab my git-ar and play ya’ll a little ditty I wrote about my future in Chicago.
Living easy, loving free
Season ticket on a one-way ride
Asking nothing, leave me be
Taking everything in my stride
Don’t need reason, don’t need rhyme
Ain’t nothing I would rather do
Going down, party time
My friends are gonna be there too
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
No stop signs, speed limit
Nobody’s gonna slow me down
Like a wheel, gonna spin it
Nobody’s gonna mess me around
Hey Satan, payin’ my dues
Playin’ in a rocking band
Hey Momma, look at me
I’m on my way to the promised land
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
Don’t stop me
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
I’m on the highway to hell
And I’m going down
all the way
on the highway to hell
Why am I wearing a collar? Does somebody lead me around on a leash?
Hello!
Does this mean I’m in the Desipio Babes Club with Campbell Brown, et al?
I say we invite Kerry Sayers to be the keynote speaker at the 2005 Desipio Convention.
This hilarious article explains away my "self-directed fury" and moranic behavior.
"And though he realized he was out of control, he couldn’t smother the flames. He saw teammates trying to talk to him, but with 50,000 fans yelling, it was useless. Outfielder Reggie Sanders, the old pro, knew what to do, putting his arm around Tavarez and finally dousing the heat."
Aw. Isn’t that heart-warming?
Other gems:
"It was uncharacteristic behavior for the 31-year-old"…riiiiiight…"but it was perhaps precipitated by the strange turnaround of the vaunted Cardinals bullpen." Did Chip Caray write this article?
How come Tony La Russa didn’t think Busch Stadium playing "A Dying Cub Fan’s Last Request" when the Cubs were in town earlier this was out of line?
What a fag.
Screw you Dolan! I’m alive and my arm is still attached at the shoulder by a single tendon. I can play, dammit! Show me some respect! And get off my lawn!!
Shush, Corporal. We’re a classy bunch!
St Louis and Houston in the LCS. Someone shoot me. One team full of fags and assbags, the other just full of gas.
Did anyone catch "Jedmonds" in the division series aftermath, cavorting about in a cutoff t-shirt? Good god, if that isn’t the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Andy, you really need to find that picture and add it to the Cardinal picture album. The mullet moran. The toddler flipping the bird. The satanic mascot.
Will St Louis run TLR "TheGeniusâ„¢" out of town if they fail to win the pennant?
I’m crazy about the game of baseball! All Latin players go totally fuckin insane with their love for this game.
Actually, Andy, I’m ripping the idiot who suggests that a player in his first year of arbitration eligibility who had a last quarter of the season on par with that of Jerry White would get in excess of $4 million.
And I used that rip to get off another pot shot at Korey.
Jim Hendry’s CPA, not sure how you passed the test, but your Zambrano projection is way off. A guy doesn’t go from making $450K to $6 million in one arbitration session, no matter how good he is.
The Tavarez tantrum was one of the best moments of the playoffs so far. When he went after the phone, I was thinking "how is a guy with the strength and dexterity of a 4 year old girl going to rip the phone off the wall?" The Genius knows a thing or too about classy organizations. After all, he presided over the steriod fueled Oakland A’s of the late 80’s. And everybody thought they were classy.
the gamecast?
Choke-induced ennui, day 17.
Who gives a flop about the AssTrolls and Deadbirds? You don’t see me tuned in to "Las Adventuras Homoeroticas de Alex y Derek".
yee-ha. Baseball’s fall classic, oh boy.
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