On a day when most of us were preoccupied with NCAA basketball and pondering the inevitable question, “What color will our stool be after we drink all this green beer?”, baseball was having one of those days that starts with a root canal and ends with a jailhouse rape.
So before we get to Illinois’ less than inspiring win (remember, the win is all that counts this time of year), let’s do something we haven’t had a chance to do for a while.
Let’s enjoy a laugh at Mark McGwire’s expense.
McGwire knew he was being dragged into yesterday’s Congressional hearing because of stuff his “pal” Jose Canseco wrote about him in his glorified coloring book, “Juiced.” But thanks to news in Sunday’s NY Daily News, there was no way McGwire could answer anything. He knows there are informants out there happy to go on the record to say that they have proof that McGwire used steroids. So there was Mark. The undisputed hero to a mouthbreathing nation of red wearing nitwits, taking the fifth, over and over and over again.
It was almost enough to make him a sympathetic figure.
Almost.
Meanwhile, a couple of seats to his right, Sammy Sosa had the whole “I’m just a shoe shine boy” act going on. He had his lawyer read a statement into the record that says that he’s never taken illegal steroids and has never had anybody “inject me with anything”, which of course will quell those rumors about the time Jim Edmonds and he went to that bathhouse. Sammy not only had his lawyer do the reading, and had an interpreter on hand, but when he did give a brief spoken statement he pretended to have forgotten the English he’d learned in the last 20 years. Sammy was as crafty as McGwire was awkward. When Sammy got done speaking, the Congressmen looked like they wanted to give him a hug.
We’ve seen Sammy enough over the years to know that whenever he’s in trouble he pretends to not understand anything. He put it on to great effect yesterday. While people will remember a lot of things about the hearings, all they’ll remember about Sammy is that he said he never used steroids. Whoever his advisor is, at least on this one day, deserves a raise. Sammy should have blown kisses to the camera after their part of the hearings ended, because he hasn’t connected that well with anything in a long time.
What was scary was that other than Rafael Palmeiro, who had no business being dragged into this in the first place, the guy who put on the best show, was Jose. Sure he panted into the microphone at times like a dog trying to get you to roll down the passenger side window, but he made sense. He answered all the questions and while it helped that he had an audience of Congressmen who clearly were more aligned with his thinking than McGwire’s, Jose didn’t look like a complete buffoon. A partial buffoon? Of course, but not complete.
What we will remember about the hearings though is the “performance” McGwire gave. Wearing weird little granny glasses and weighing 100 pounds less than he did at his behemoth best, he refused to answer…pretty much anything. It is our right as Americans to not say anything that can be used to incriminate us, but it’s a trap because whenever you invoke that right you might as well just say, “I did it!”
Over, and over and over again during the questioning, McGwire looked like Matt Clement with the bases loaded. Sweating, crying, looking down to the bullpen to see if anybody was warming up. And he couldn’t, or wouldn’t answer anything.
He just kept trotting out some version of, “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to be positive about this.” At one point he said, “Steroids is bad.” Is? Who wrote that for him, Scoop Jackson?
He got called on it over and over and over again. And every time he got asked something that he had to use that weak answer for, he looked like he wanted to get up and slide down the table to beat up Jose. Only one problem…Jose’s still big as hell, and Mark’s not. Talk about adding insult to injury. First you take your reputation and set it on fire on ESPN, CNN, C-Span and godknows where else, but then you get beat up by a guy still on the juice?
Frank Thomas “testified” via satellite and, I’m not kidding, he had a teleprompter! He read a prepared statement and couldn’t have looked more like Damon Andrews unless he had mainlined Twinkies for a month to fatten himself up appropriately.
Another guy who looked bad, much to my enjoyment, was Curt Schilling. In a way, he should be offended that he’s such a gooey, gellatinous mass of smarm that nobody’s ever accused him of abusing anything other than birthday cake. So he wasn’t there to be grilled. But he ended up getting grilled anyway. He took some veiled, punk shots at Canseco, refusing to use his name, but then backed off every tough guy statement he’d ever made in the past about the widespread use of steroids in baseball.
The reason? He’s been shooting his mouth off for nearly 40 years, and he only says stuff to get attention. He has no intention…ever…of standing behind anything he’s ever said. Nice legacy. Now go dribble some red paint on a sock again, Curt.
Later in the day (actually it was more like later in the night) our usual assemblege of baseball nitwits (Interim Commissioner for Life Bud Selig, Rob “Hey look at the huuuuuge gap in my teeth” Manfred, Sandy “I never saw nothin'” Alderson and Don “How’s my lipstick?” Fehr got beaten like a rented mule by the committee. It’s always fun to watch.
Bud’s hair always looks like somebody just gave him about a dozen noogies, and it does little to help him project any kind of confidence. Fehr just always looks like he’s lying. Manfred’s every sleezy lawyer ever and Alderson pretty much just sits there and hopes nobody calls him on his crap. What a fun bunch.
They were joined by Padres GM Kevin Towers because he had the balls to admit that he knew Ken Caminiti was on steroids but didn’t do anything about it since it wasn’t against the rules of baseball. The committee was pretty easy on Towers and he had lots of free time so he traded Jay Witasick to the Senate for Jim Bunning. Let’s just say Kentucky won’t be any worse for wear.
But at the end of the day there was only one story. But Mark McGwire didn’t “want to talk about the past. I’m here to be positive!”
Positively screwed there, Marky.
Here it comes again, with that anti-fluff piece with the great Dusty quote. I mean, who fucking CARES if Hawkins turned the channel to MTV? Who cares if he yelled at the TV? Why the hell are they writing articles about that? It’s so freaking stupid, and not certainly not worth anybody’s time. The sports media is such a bunch of pearl-clutching pantywaists.
It sure was a moving moment yesterday (my bowels) as McGuire was crying about the loss of life related to steriod use. I really liked it when he said his foundation, with three million of HIS own dollars in it, was going to switch from helping abused kids, to teaching them how to abuse steriods or something. Mark is my hero now – both sensitive and a slugger!
For clarity’s sake (why would anyone want to do that around here), Mac never invoked me. You have to specifically invoke me if you’re going to use me. Now he can say that when he was brought before congress he never invoked his 5th ammendment right. Pretty smart…Until he realizes it backfired the second time he spewed the “I’m not here to talk about the past…” garbage. And it got worse from there.
Why doesn’t Congress want to know if **I’ve** ever injected anything? C’mon, where’s the love? Barney? Wazzup….
Good news Mark, I’m positive!
If Scott Petersen had testified in his own defense during his recent trial that he wasn’t “here to talk about the past”, maybe he wouldn’t be on Death Row.
Then how would Peterson get all these marriage proposals?
http://www.cnn.com/2005/LAW/03/17/peterson.prison/index.html
He’s getting more action than The Paul Popovich Experience.
I don’t know Dave, Scott’s a very good liar. I mean, he fooled me, and I’m practically a genius!
Although Curt Schilling appeared mealy-mouthed before Congress, I predict that when he retires he will be re-packaged by a Karl Rove type and someday will be sitting on the other side of the room as a right-wing darling Congressman. I can see the bloody shirt (socks) on his campaign posters now!
Uh, Fifth Amendment,
You don’t actually have to say the words “I invoke the fifth amendment”, you can not be compelled to incriminate yourself, and can refuse to answer such questions. By saying he wouldn’t talk about the past, McGwire invoked the fifth amendment whether he said the magic password or not.
When you walk outside and hang out with four other guys you don’t have to invoke the first amendment, you just do it.
Sorry, Congress, “Fifth Amendment” is correct. The Congressional Panel let McGwire slide. He could have been held in contempt for refusing to answer questions unless he specifically claimed Fifth Amendment protection. But when Congressman Cummings specifically asked McGwire if he was claiming the Fifth, the Chairman jumped in and excused McGwire from having to do so. I wonder if you or I would get the same protection if our time comes.
Yep, I am still here folks. In fact, my dead was a ranger and his nephew was in delta, and special forces as well. In fact, I got to stump for the pres right around the same time Jesus was helping me k als. By the way, my kids hate direct sunlight…so, why did I move them to Arizona?
Oh, I’m here too.
Sure have gone down alot, haven’t I ? Even before the injury to my ankle… hmmmm….. oh well, at least my wife didn’t die from melanoma. Wait a second, why did I move her to Arizona?
Oh well, at least I don’t have to testify in front of Tom Lantos.
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