EPISODE ONE: SPRING TRAINING
SCENE ONE
CHICAGO CUBS SPRING TRAINING HEADQUARTERS, MESA, ARIZONA
Brent David, a recent college graduate enters the reception area of the Cubs’ spring training offices at Ho Ho Kam Park in Mesa. He is reporting for the first day of his season-long internship in the Cubs promotions and marketing department. Brent will be reporting directly to Linda Zapatos, the Cubs’ director of public relations.
RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?
BRENT DAVID
I’m…uh…here for my internship.
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, that’s nice, sweetie. Who are you supposed to report to?
BRENT DAVID – Looks down at a crumpled piece of paper
Linda…Zapatos?
RECEPTIONIST
Oh, dear. I’ll tell her…well, I’ll have someone tell her you’re here. Your name is…?
BRENT DAVID
David…Brent…Brent David.
RECEPTIONIST
David?
BRENT DAVID
Brent.
RECEPTIONIST
Brent?
BRENT DAVID
Brent David.
RECEPTIONIST (mutters to self)
The poor bastard’s going to be eaten alive.
March 22nd, 2005 at 3:03 pm
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
March 22nd, 2005 at 3:23 pm
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
March 22nd, 2005 at 3:44 pm
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
March 22nd, 2005 at 3:45 pm
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
March 22nd, 2005 at 3:57 pm
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
March 22nd, 2005 at 4:01 pm
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
March 22nd, 2005 at 4:32 pm
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
March 22nd, 2005 at 4:46 pm
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
March 22nd, 2005 at 5:00 pm
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
March 22nd, 2005 at 5:01 pm
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
March 22nd, 2005 at 5:01 pm
That’s Featherbottom.
March 22nd, 2005 at 5:15 pm
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
March 22nd, 2005 at 6:44 pm
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
March 22nd, 2005 at 7:31 pm
My crying runs off the page.
March 22nd, 2005 at 11:49 pm
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
March 23rd, 2005 at 4:32 am
…and it still made as much sense!
March 23rd, 2005 at 7:55 am
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
March 23rd, 2005 at 8:07 am
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
March 23rd, 2005 at 8:16 am
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
March 23rd, 2005 at 8:30 am
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
March 23rd, 2005 at 9:46 am
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
March 23rd, 2005 at 12:41 pm
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
March 23rd, 2005 at 2:17 pm
Remember me.
March 23rd, 2005 at 2:25 pm
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
March 23rd, 2005 at 5:56 pm
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March 24th, 2005 at 12:20 am
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
March 24th, 2005 at 12:06 pm
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
March 24th, 2005 at 12:36 pm
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
March 24th, 2005 at 1:06 pm
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
March 24th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
Even I think that’s pathetic.
March 26th, 2005 at 11:10 pm
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
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