EPISODE TWO: HAZED AND CONFUSED
PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRONT OFFICE:
Intern Brent David arrived for his first day on the job at Cubs Spring Training. Cubs’ PR Director Linda Zapatos unknowingly lied to a reporter about the health of a Cubs’ pitcher. Brent found out Zapatos’ secretary, Carrie Fitch, is a habitual liar. Zapatos took Brent with her to confront General Manager Jim Hendry only to find Hendry hiding under his desk and Cubs’ Scout Bird Dog McCracken hiding behind a cactus. She confronted McCracken who claimed not to be hiding, but to be attempting to ‘poop’ behind the cactus. As if anybody would do that.
BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN
Hey, you’d be surprised!
Brent suspects Zapatos of having a drinking problem.
(Shot of Zapatos drinking a half bottle of Scope mouthwash)
SCENE ONE: CUBS SPRING TRAINING HEADQUARTERS, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICES
LINDA ZAPATOS
Intern! Come into my office!
Brent David enters Zapatos’ office as she motions for him to sit down. Both guest chairs are covered with Cubs’ swag including a box of $2 Cubs Believe wristbands (wholesale price — not much), and the newest Cubs’ promotion item, Kerry Wood Pez dispensers. Brent hesitates to move the boxes, and instead, remains standing.
LINDA ZAPATOS
I’m going to need you to handle Dusty’s press conference today with Mitch.
Brent David has no idea what “handles” means or who “Mitch” is.
BRENT DAVID
(Tentatively) Great.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Whatever, go find Mitch and tell him I sent you.
BRENT DAVID
Sure. (Leaves the office)
Seconds later, David returns to Zapatos’ office to ask her who Mitch is.
BRENT DAVID
Uh…um…Misses…er…Miss…uh….umm…
LINDA ZAPATOS (annoyed)
What, Intern?
BRENT DAVID
I just need one thing clarified.
LINDA ZAPATOS
What?
BRENT DAVID
Who is Mitch?
LINDA ZAPATOS
Mitch? Mitch Kumsteen? He’s only the assistant PR director. How could you not know who Mitch Kumsteen is.
Brent was pretty sure Mitch Kumsteen was the guy caught ‘night putting’ with the daughter of the dean in Caddyshack, and tried not to laugh.
Obvious that Zapatos wasn’t about to tell him where Mitch was, he went back to the main area of the office to find the receptionist, the sometimes helpful Carrie Fitch.
Fitch had returned from wherever she was and was sitting at her desk.
BRENT DAVID
Carrie, who’s Mitch Kumsteen?
CARRIE FITCH
Did she call him that? (Points at Zapatos’ office) That’s awesome.
BRENT DAVID
Why is that awesome?
CARRIE FITCH
Because his name is Mitch Kricksteen, we’ve been calling him Kumsteen for months, and now she thinks it’s his name. Drinking Scope will do that to you.
BRENT DAVID
And other things.
CARRIE FITCH
I don’t think so…
BRENT DAVID
Anyway, where is Mitch?
CARRIE FITCH
You need to talk to him? I’ll get you his number.
BRENT DAVID
Or, I could just go to his office.
CARRIE FITCH
Sure you could. If you had a plane.
BRENT DAVID
Uh…what? A plane? Why?
CARRIE FITCH
Well, because he’s in Chicago. (Writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Brent.)
BRENT DAVID
But she told me that I had to “handle” Dusty’s press conference with Mitch. What does that mean? What do I do?
CARRIE FITCH
Oh, big deal. You just tell the media what time to be in the media room and then make sure Dusty’s there. How hard could that be?
BRENT DAVID
I don’t know if Dusty’s around. I don’t even know if I can find his office. I don’t know where the media room is. How can this be my job on my second day?
CARRIE FITCH
Calm down, Nancy. Jeesh, you’d think she asked you to peform open heart surgery. It’s a press conference. How hard can it be?
BRENT DAVID
I’m going to go ask Dusty. (Leaves the room hoping to remember where the manager’s office is)
A man walks into the office as Brent leaves.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Hey, Carrie. I’m supposed to find a (looks down at a piece of paper) Brent the Intern. You seen him?
CARRIE FITCH
Hey, Mitch. I thought you were at the Waffle House. You just missed him. He’s freaking out about the press conference. I told him you were in Chicago.
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Press conference? Is that today? (Bleep) I’ve got a tee time.
CARRIE FITCH
Let the kid handle it, how hard could it be?
MITCH KRICKSTEEN
There are only about a thousand things that can go wrong. Remember last year when Dusty was going off about how black players are bred to handle the sun better?
LINDA ZAPATOS (yells from her office)
Is that Kumsteen out there?
MITCH KRICKSTEEN (to Carrie)
Kumsteen? Really? That worked?
March 29th, 2005 at 11:36 am
Dolan,
Carrie Fitch is straight out of my “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Every other comment out of her is some smart-assed sarcasm. I’m getting in touch with Ivy Chat Chuck’s attorney ASAP.
March 29th, 2005 at 11:53 am
You’re lying! I’m a Plymouth Horizon!
March 29th, 2005 at 1:01 pm
Bruthas! Lemme tell ya sumpthin’ Andy — this Dusty Baker cat talks my language, little dude. I was hoping to invite him to hang and bang with the Hulkster as I am inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this Sunday at WrestleMania. All the Hulkamaniacs will be there and they’ll say, “Hulkster, brutha, give us one more pose, dude!” And I’ll have to rip off my t-shirt to show off my 24″ pythons. And if Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in my face, dude, I’ll bodyslam him to the old folks home. Whatcha gonna do? When the Hulkster and his new muscle Dusty Baker runs wild on you!?
[Flex, holding muscle pose.]
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Yo, Hulk dude. I dig your style. You handle the sun well for a white guy, dude.
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Dusty, the Hulkster isn’t white, he’s orange…like me pal.
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