You know it, you love it, you can’t live without it. It’s your annual Desipio Baseball Preview. Today we’ll look at the weenies in the American League. Tomorrow we’ll get to the teams that let the pitchers hold a bat.
American League West
Let’s start with the AL West because every preview always goes east to west and frankly, we’re all just a little tired of the jerkoffs in New York and Boston, aren’t we?
Predicted order of finish
1. Los Angeles Assclowns of Anaheim (what is with this hellacious name?)
2. Oakland
3. Texas
4. Seattle
This might not be the toughest division, but it’s the most even. Well, that’s assuming that Seattle doesn’t roll over and play dead like they did last year.
Angels
Despite their pretentious name, the Angels boast the least flawed team in the division, even if they insist on making us all believe that Darin Erstad is still good. They picked up 87-year old Steve Finley so they could move Garrett Anderson and his arthritic hip (how old is Garrett?) back to left field. They let Troy Glaus go, they have dos Molinas behind the plate and they expect Bart Colon to have an entire season as productive as the second half of 2004 was. They might want to start by putting a padlock on the post game spread.
They won’t miss Troy Percival because they’ve got Francisco Rodriguez and he’s K-Rod! You can’t hit anything named K-Rod! Wait, is K-Rod a pitcher or a radio station?
A’s
Remember the good old days (like back in September) when they had the big three of Barry Zito, Mark Mulder and Tim Hudson and they couldn’t win a playoff series no matter how many games they won in the regular season? Remember how closed minded idiots like Hawk Harrelson liked to think that their playoff failures proved that Billy Beane was an overrated moron? Well, Beane did a very un-general managerlike thing. He traded Hudson eight months before he had to and he traded Mulder 20 months before he had to and loaded up on young, cheap arms to go with the young, cheap bats (and Jason Kendall) that he already had. This is just crazy enough to work.
That’s why I don’t get the Kendall trade. Sure he dumped a pair of lefties who struggled at time last year (Arthur Rhodes and Mark Redman), but he took on a pile of cash for the exact guy you never pay a pile of cash, an over 3o catcher. Especially one who relies on what speed he has left. Seriously, how long before Kendall just becomes a scruffier Brad Ausmus?
I like the A’s but they’re counting on Juan Cruz and Kiko Calero to be big parts of their pitching staff. Both have great arms. Both also seem to know how to give up one more run than you need them too.
The emergence of Huston Street as a closer will be interesting to watch. If he makes it, it makes Octavio Dotel expendable and then we can get all excited about him coming to the Cubs, only to have the Mets trade for him instead.
Rangers
Last year the Rangers were expected to finish dead last because nobody thought they had any pitching to go with their potent offense. The defied expectations and had mediocre pitching to go with their potent offense which was enough to keep them in the playoff hunt most of the season.
Their offense should be even better with a year of maturity aiding the development of Mark Texiera, Hank Blalock, Michael Young, Alfonso Soriano and the rest of that lineup that is just full of guys who can rake.
They do have some promising pitchers, like former Sox farmhand Frank Francisco. Frank won the AL Rookie Pitcher of the Month Award in August last year and then in September he bounced a bullpen chair off of an obnoxious lady in Oakland. See, that’s the kind of versatility we’re looking for.
Mariners
Mike Hargrove brings his sterling personality to Seattle, where him being dull and it raining all the time should help crank up the suicide rate to the highest it’s been in years. The Mariners didn’t just stop by adding Grover though, no sir, they spent big bucks and got new corners for their infield. I ‘m not sure how much those cost, but you need a bulldozer and a laser level.
They also got new guys to hang out on those corners. Richie Sexson is from the Seattle area and yet he wanted to go back. So they gave him a boatload of cash and are hoping he won’t continue to swing and have his shoulder fall off. They also signed Adrian Beltre who either had the most miraculous career year ever, or who is finally as good as he was always supposed to be.
Beltre never forgave the Dodgers for the rookie hazing he got when Ron Coomer went hunting for his appendix with a butter knife. I can’t say I could forgive that either.
Regardless, the Mariners should be much better than the 100 loss team they fielded a year ago, and Ichiro could make a real run at hitting .400 this year. So that’s something.
Hey I got teef now, muthafuckah.
Hey that Hinske’s great. Jim Hendry is a boob for dealing him and Dontrelle Willis!
Never mind the fact that…
…Hinske’s bad…
…Clement gave us three good years, AND…
…helped us make the playoffs AND…
…actually won a playoff game (same one where Dontrelle got shellacked)…
…Willis is actually an overrated walk machine anyway (THINK black Ryan Dempster)…
…Hendry WASN’T EVEN GM when the trades were made…
…My only analytical strength is always based on 20/20 hindsight…
…Oh, and never mind the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about…
…Jim Hendry’s a boob!
What happens in the locker room STAYS in the locker room.
Wow -“But when you’re the Tigers and nobody will take your money, you just start waving it around like the Elephant Man in a strip bar. Eventually, somebody will start grinding.” Good thing I wasn’t drinking my coffe on that one. funniest thing I have read in a long time!
“quote”
…Hendry WASN’T EVEN GM when the trades were made…
…My only analytical strength is always based on 20/20 hindsight…
…Oh, and never mind the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about…
…Jim Hendry’s a boob!
“end quote”
You are the Brown’s Fried Chicken caller of the night!
First of all, it wasn’t his appendix. Secondly, it was a spork.
We’ve always been insufferable assbags, it just that the Insufferable Assbags of The Bronx have always been there to keep us in our place.
“National League pitchers get 2 to 3 free innings a game”. Hey Don, what about the bogus wins that AL pitchers like Jon Garland get that would be losses or no d’s cuz they would have been lifted 3 innings ago. It all evens out you boner. Oh, that’s right, you do have the best staff in the game.
Don Cooper is the best!!!
Seriously, everyone has got to read Phil Rogers’ new column at espn. It is even funny for him.
Yeah, it doesn’t bother me to watch people paying 40 bucks for a ticket to watch pitchers bat four times a game. Or to watch them get hurt on freak plays while running the bases.
What does bother me is the fact that they no longer start every third day, and that, with rare exceptions, the measure of a man is no longer correlated to his finishing what he starts.
At least they still walk .240 batters to get to a guy who doesn’t even take batting practice but every fifth day –now that’s entertainment!
Real clever. Pitchers should always bat, just like in Little League, or be subbed out for a pinch-hitter. Stop monkeying with tradition.
And isn’t interleague play great? It really adds interest to the game!
(and, uh, hey –have we found a closer yet…?)
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