It’s been three games and I, like everybody else, am pretty much ready to pull the curtain on the 2005 Cubs. When do the Bears start training camp, anyway?
I mean, come on, if you can’t win two out of three against the lowly Arizona Diamondbacks, you really ought to just pack it in and take up a new sport.
The last two nights were a little lacking in the win department. But that doesn’t mean the games weren’t educational.
Let’s review what we learned.
It’s three games, and three games don’t really tell you much. Except that the Cubs are almost as efficient at stranding runners on base as they were last year. Though this year they pretty much do it by popping up instead of striking out. I suppose that’s progress. But there are probably more dropped third strikes in the big leagues than dropped pop ups? I’m sure Rob Neyer can do a study on that for us. First he has to get his flannel shirt back from the cleaners so he can go see “Fever Pitch” and bore everyone in the theater (which, for Fever Pitch could be six or seven, tops), with explanations about why the Pesky Pole is misnamed and how Fenway’s still the easiest park in the majors to get urinated on, “accidentally.”
The Cubs are off today, and will open the season tomorrow. Dusty’s excited about coming home to Wrigley because he’s a big fan of photosynthesis. I wish I was making that up. I’m not.
Dusty’s strange, isn’t he?
Well, Bruce Weber is strange too, and that worked out OK. Yeah, who are we kidding?
The Bulls and Magic played one of the more entertaining bad basketball games you’re likely to see. The Bulls are still without Luol Deng, Eddy Curry and Othella Harrington. Who knew that they’d actually miss Othella? Anybody? Can I get a show of hands? But they do.
The Magic are bad, and so it made for an ugly game. One in which there were three shots to win the game for either team in regulation and none went in and then two more in OT and both missed. The game only ended because the refs got tired, called a phantom foul and Antonio Davis made a free throw (after missing the first one–of course.) The best plays came near the end of regulation. First the Bulls had the ball with about 11 seconds left in a tie game. Jannero Pargo was dribbling down the court and he just fired it to a Magic player. (Magic player? Magician? What do you call one Magic? A Magi?) Then, the Magic called timeout and set up a play. Jameer Nelson lined up like a fullback, in a three point stance and everything, with Steve Francis behind him. Francis got the ball, Nelson made like Brad Muster and didn’t block anybody and Francis threw up a brick to send the game to overtime.
What the hell was that?
But the Bulls have 42 wins. Forty-two! They could phone in the rest of the schedule and they would make the playoffs and have a winning record. With the Washington Wizards in complete free-fall, it doesn’t even matter if they get home court advantage for the first round, because they’ll beat the Wiz either way. Then, Andres Nocioni can chase Dwyane Wade around like a goof for five games before the Bulls hit the beach.
Speaking of Dwyane Wade, the guy the Bulls had to draft when he was snatched out from under them in the draft, Kirk Hinrich, had a rough night. Not on the court, where he continues to impress by playing hurt… and actually playing productively while hurt. No, on the air.
First, Red Kerr called him Henrick. Uh, Red, he’s been around for two years. You should know who he is.
Then the obese duo of Dan Jiggetts (morbidly) and Stacey King (lazily), both called him Kurt in the postgame. Guh.
I forgot to link to this in the Dose.
Desipio NBA expert and Austrailian correspondent sent this link about a cricket player that the Red Sox tried to sign over the winter.
http://www.smh.com.au/news/Cricket/Home-run-beckons-but-Gilly-may-be-over-the-hill/2005/04/06/1112489562003.html
Hey Andy…Love the new format!
Daily Dose! Cool idea!
…by the way, that was sarcasm.
I want to clear something up about Ryan Dempster: the problem isn’t that he can’t throw strikes, the problem is that when he does, they end up rocketing off the center field fence.
On Glaus’ triple, they showed Burnitz standing in the outfield after he’d thrown the ball back in and you could see chain link marks on his shoulder from where he’d hit the fence.
We have had a rightfielder actually hit a wall going for a flyball since…well, the Hawk.
This can be the Freeps new slogan
Methinks I hit a wall in Anaheim last year.
No love for me?
I was spurtin’ blood after crashin’ into the wall.
Okay, fine. Buddy.
EVERYBODY but me. Why don’t you just say it?
Buddy.
I’m morbidly fat?
HAHAHAHA!!!!
Good one!
HAHAHAHA!!!!
God, I’m such a sycophant.
HAHAHAHA!!!
I’ve made a media career out of laughing like a retarded hyena being tickled.
HAHAHAHA!!!
And you can just TELL I’m a pompous prick as soon as I’m off the air.
HAHAHAHA!!!!
Am I on fire?
The roof.
The roof.
The roof is on fire.
Every time a former Dukie nearly sufferes a vehicular fatality, Mike Peplowski gets his wings….
Don’t forget your number two person off the bench…Neifi!!!!!!!!!!!! Dubois and Hairston continue to rot. I’m not saying Hairston is any better, but at least use the guy once in a while. Neifi blew his load last year. Neifi is this year’s Tom Goodwin.
Straw,
I have to disagree with you, Macias is this year’s Tom Goodwin. What the hell is Baker thinking using Macias and then Perez off the bench instead of Hairston Jr. or Dubois? Dusty’s already starting that bullshit. I’d say by next week, he’ll want to trade our secret weapon(Hank White) to the Dodgers to get back Gabor Bako II.
Let’s just face it folks, this will be Dusty’s last year. It will be better for him to move on, but for Cubs fans it won’t be so positive. The Cub’s organization will bring in another dope of a manager that’s statements to the media are idiodic and his managerial moves are as predictable as playing the odds on a slot machine paying out at Harrah’s.
For fucking once can’t we get a manager in here that will make the common sense moves and play guys at the right times and in the right positions. I’m already pissed this season. Why couldn’t it be Baker in the hospital yesterday instead of Francona? I don’t wish Dusty dead, but just get him the hell away from a baseball dugout and field.
One more final thing, what’s the over/under on Kerry Wood’s amount of innings thrown tomorrow? I’ll take the number 2 whatever that means.
Baker Basher
If the over/under is 2, give me the over all day, Mr. Basher.
We know why Jose and Neifi were the first two guys, because they’re switch hitters and Dusty wanted lefties up there. However, if it just doesn’t matter which side Jose’s hitting from, because he ain’t gonna hit nothing.
Maybe the Cubs will make a trade to pick me up. After all, Hawk and DJ said I am completely dominating. And no, that wasn’t just to make people think that was a special comeback yesterday. My sinkers weren’t that straight and flat, I was just tired from the run in from the buffet…er…I mean the pen.
Watch us closely. We could be this years version of the 04′ Cubs.
Which camera am I supposed to look at when I tell you why the Cubs lost?
I’ll take the under.
Yes! We ARE loved by Andy!
The good news is the Cubs are averaging over 7 runs per game in 2005.
That Adam Gilchrist fell is a great cricket player, but he would not make it in baseball.
That Adam Gilchrist fella is a great cricket player, but he would not make it in baseball.
No love for me? I won the National Championship!
Basher–
Calling macias or neifi last year’s goodwin is like calling you an idiot or a moron, it doesn’t matter it’s the same thing. The big question for Friday is that the Brewers will be starting a lefty. If Dusty creams over righty/ lefty match-ups then he should start Dubois for Burnitz or Holly. I will make a bet Dubois will not be starting. If a righty starts for Holly or Burnitz, it will be Hairston or Macias. What happens if Wood goes 2+?
Considering Macias got a double in his one at bat, that was probably not the cause of the Cubs demise last night. But he still sucks.
It matters not people, my junk and I will dominate all afternoon. The Cubs can never hit the crafty lefty. Ha ha ha.
Will we see the Cubs lefty lineup, or will Dusty start Holly and Walker because it’s the “home opener?”
If he does what he did all spring, tomorrow’s lineup will be
2b Hairston
cf Patterson
ss Nomar
3b E-ramis
rf Burnitz
1b Lee
lf Dubois
c Barrett
p Wood
I can live with that.
I have the Sox game on. Was it in the paper or anything that they were playing today? Because they appear to be alone in the ballpark.
Simply not true, we have got a packed house here for the new look go go sox. Now while I select my pick to click, you at home select yours.
For your information Andy, most of our fans are busy. Unlike Cubs fans, we have to stand in line at the unemployment office, dodge warrants, and worry about deportation. That is why we are not there today. We always pack our park with true fans anyway. Scotty Po for MVP.
where were you when I needed you, Mike?
Please keep Jose Macias away from me.
Um Jay, no one ever said anything about motorcycles.
Did I just hear Hawk welcome Resurrection Mary and her family to the ball game today? DJ tried to tell him that Mary was just an urban legend, but the Hawk would have none of that noise.
Did Mary homer off Shingo in the 9th? Everyone else did.
2B-Hairston Jr.
CF-Patterson
SS-Perez
1B-Lee
RF-Burnitz
3B-Macias
LF-Hollandsworth
C-Hank White
P-Wood(he’ll go his 2 innings and walk 5)
If Baker would be given this lineup card by one of his assistants his response would be, “Dude, that’s a really cool idea and with such a lefty/righty mix it just might throw Capuano off. Especially my two handjobbers-Macias with his right hand up my ass and Perez stroking my pecker. That just might get me excited enough to blow my wad over our great bullpen too!”
Baker Basher
Just a bad day for Mr. Zero. No, the league will not figure him out the second time around. As I have done every year now, I have put all the pieces in place. There is no reason not to go 162 – 0. If I must, I will drag Roberto Alomar out of retirement, and get Todd Ritchie and Billy Koch back on this team.
It’s bad enough that Albom exploited his dying mentor’s last moments on this mortal coil in order to publish a maudlin, over-the-top sentimental piece of pooh that could only be appreciated by the clinically brain-dead, but, as it turns out, he MADE THE WHOLE THING UP? I did not know that. He didn’t even actually do the hard part–sitting next to some dying, wheezing old coot? He just pretended that he did. What a soulless dick. Wow.
Go Cubs.
Nobody said Mitch made up Tuesdays with Morrie. But nobody said he didn’t exaggerate the hell out of it, either.
I’ve urinated against a wall at that Lawrence Red Line stop by the Aragon.
That is all.
I saw Oysterhead at the Aragon once and I hoped the place would start on fire.
I just put on Tbs and went into seizures. Right away I figured out why, Chippy’s voice.
I just called Tim Hudson Greg Maddux with 5 to 6 mph more on his pitches. I must have forgotten that Maddux didn’t always throw 86mph…oh yeah, I have stupid hair.
I just made my first joke to Sutton about picking up the check. Never too early I guess.
“Nomar’s washed up. It’s over. tHom Brennaman said so, and he’s always right. I guess the Cubs should have been smart like the Diamondbacks and threw a few million at Royce Clayton.”
“thrown” … it’s “thrown”
Shut up, grammar cops.
Scratch Prior for the month of April. He is currently getting lit up. 4 runs given up and the first inning is not over. Make it 5.
The third inning sounded much better.
My head hurts!
Well, now I guess we can’t let it go.
7 runs on 9 hits, great opening start for Prior. Hey, Mark, if you would ever pitch real games instead of the simulated ones in your head where you actually strikeout hitters and not walk guys, then you might pitch well.
I ventured to ask Straw in a conversation today if the Cubs are the only organization utilizing the simulated games/side sessions pitching technique. I think Larry Rothchild needs to write a book about this trend in baseball and market his two puppets with Wood and Prior as examples. If you pitch imaginary games and strikeout hitters like Tom Goodwin, Jose Macias, and Gabor Bako, you might actually make some imaginary pitching Hall of Fame too. Kerry Wood is almost to the end of this imaginary rope. Mark Prior I believe is getting to that rope even quicker.
This Cub organization is cursed with not only the most ignorant and tightass management, but also with players that plain don’t like and have no skill to play with or through pain. They get washed up players that are done or that have so many Tommy John surgeries that they start naming kids after the guy(hence Ryan Dempster-two surgeries, Chad Fox-two surgeries, Kerry Wood- one surgery and another one on the way, Mark Prior-one on the way, Scott Williamson- one surgery, Joe Borowski-one on the way, Angel Guzman-one surgery and another on the way—-on and on and on and on and on and on and on-
IT GETS OLD PRETTY DAMN QUICK AFTER 100 YEARS GUYS-
Some management and a team with heart and some balls needs to step up quick pretty soon. It’s going to be the same old shit this year.
It will be fun laughing at these assclowns this year though. It’s not worth the torture like last year, so we all need to have fun with it.
So sit back and enjoy another year of continuous non-stop clusterfucking style of baseball.
HENCE- THE 2005 CHICAGO CUBS
Baker Basher
Be nice, Anal Police.
Hey, you guys want me? I will add to that bullpen depth on the North Side, amigos. Kenny says I have wicked stuff!
I say Wood pitches 6 innings, hits 2-3 guys, gives up 1-2 runs and strikes out 10.
You’re right it could be worse, we could be sox fans. I shudder at the thought.
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