EPISODE FIVE: STAY IN THE CLOSET (Part one)
PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRONT OFFICE: Ryne Sandberg has an unfortunate run-in with a handicapped season ticket holder. New college graduate Brent David starts his internship in the public relations department with the Chicago Cubs. His boss, Linda Zapatos is seen throwing out an empty bottle of booze and drinking a ludicrous amount of mouthwash before a meeting with the Cubs brass. Her secretary, admitted compulsive liar Carrie Fitch and Brent watch on as Cubs’ announcer Flip Tocco says an unfortunate word on the air during a telecast.
SCENE ONE: BRENT DAVID’S APARTMENT, WRIGLEYVILLE
Brent is being visited for the weekend by a friend from college, Jason Bell.
JASON BELL
Dude, this place is sweet. What’s it cost you?
BRENT DAVID
Sweet? It’s a studio. I can sit on the crapper and still touch the stove.
JASON BELL
But would you want to? Anyway, what’s it go for? $600? $700?
BRENT DAVID
I’m not even going to tell you. But I can walk to work from here. Which is good, considering I can’t afford to park my car.
JASON BELL
Where is your car, dude?
BRENT DAVID
It’s at mom and dad’s.
JASON BELL
That’s cool. You’ve got like 400 bars we can walk to in five minutes. So where are we going tonight?
BRENT DAVID
Some people from work are going to be at Moran’s. I thought we’d go there for a while, then who knows?
JASON BELL
So you don’t have to work at all this weekend?
BRENT DAVID
I have to go in tomorrow for a little bit. We have to inventory the crap for the next giveaway.
JASON BELL
Can you score me some? What is it, like a Sandberg bobblehead?
BRENT DAVID
It’s a Cubs’ uniform for Barbie.
JASON BELL
Huh? Get me one anyway. I can just sell it on eBay. Can you get into the locker room?
BRENT DAVID
The clubhouse? I don’t have a key, but there’s usually somebody in there doing laundry or cleaning or something. Why?
JASON BELL
I want to get my hands on a Nomar jersey.
BRENT DAVID
OK. Sure. I’ll let you in there so you can steal a jersey and get me fired. Sweet. Go buy one. Besides, you couldn’t wear it anyway.
JASON BELL
Why not?
BRENT DAVID
Nomar weighs like a buck 70. You couldn’t squeeze your right arm into his jersey. Besides, he’s the one guy you can’t take anything from. He’d notice. If one of his jerseys was missing when they get back next week he’d go catatonic. I can just see him standing in front of his locker twitching and adjusting the imaginary velcro on his imaginary batting gloves.
JASON BELL
Have you met Mia?
BRENT DAVID
Hell, I haven’t even met Nomar. I’ve seen him, but I’m so far down the totem pole around there I’ll need a shovel just to get to ground level. I did meet Mark Prior’s wife though.
JASON BELL
I’ll bet she’s hot.
BRENT DAVID
She’s all right.
JASON BELL
All right? He’s Mark (bleeping) Prior. He could have anybody he wanted. That’s a shame.
BRENT DAVID
Hey, it leaves more for us.
(Both laugh awkwardly).
April 27th, 2005 at 9:27 am
Will next week be the first “Very Special Episode” of “The Front Office?” Will we laugh a little bit, but ultimately learn a lesson about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy out of marriage or banging your lesbian bosses’ niece?
April 27th, 2005 at 11:05 am
So, is Mitch Kumsteen the same as Mitch Kricksteen?
April 27th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
Crap. I posted this in the wrong spot before.
His name is Mitch Kricksteen, but we call him Mitch Kumsteen because we’re witty. And I’m a dumbass.
April 27th, 2005 at 12:19 pm
“Where is your car, dude?”
Seann William Scott and Ashton Kutcher would call to sue you, if they were smart enough to use a phone.
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