Honestly, wouldn’t it be fascinating (and terrifying) to spend just one hour in Doughnut Boy’s brain while he’s trying to cook up another steamer of a column?
Today’s was particularly awful. Even for him. Which is saying something.
Honestly, if you took a few hundred monkey turds and put random words on them, then had a dozen monkeys fling those word-turds at a wall, you would come up with something more coherent than what Mariotti gave us today.
So let’s delve deep into the Mind of a Moran.
I don’t know what to write about. The Bulls’ season is over and I have a sticky note over here that I’m supposed to be sucking off Scott Skiles for eight more months, then, regardless of the Bulls’ record I’m supposed to turn on him and demand he be fired.
I could write about the White Sox, but they’re actually winning and I have to wait until they start to suck. Ooh, I could dig up some more gambling allegations about Michael Jordan, those are always fun.
Did I pile on the Cubs yesterday? I think I did. But those evil Tribsters deserve it! That’s what they get for hiring Rosenbloom instead of me! And where were they when I quit the Sun-Times to go to AM 1000 when it first went all-sports in the late 90s? They could have had me for a song! But instead they forced me to crawl back to the Sun-Times. Now I’m so ravingly insecure about my job status that I write a column every day, even when I’m supposed to be on vacation! So screw them!
The Cubs pitching stinks. I don’t even know who that guy is that they’re starting tonight. Leicester? what is that? I need to come up with a clever nickname for him. Like the Evil Stoney! Ooh, that’s a good one. That’ll be hard to top. How about Biff Whiff?
No, wait, I used that one for Kerry Wood. Ooh, that’s funny though. I need to work that into the column. I’ll write about all of the starters the Cubs let get away!
Like Matt Clement! He was so great for them. Why would they let him walk? He won all those big games for them down the stretch while the rest of the team was choking. He was the rock. It just figures because those evil Tribsters are so stupid.
Let me look at Sports Illustrated this week and I’ll see if there’s anything in there I can rip off.
Hey, Dontrelle Willis! Didn’t he used to be a Cub? See how stupid they are? Who did they trade him for? Nothing. Just that freaky guy will the extra fingers, toes and testicles! And some loser starting pitcher. Yeah, it was Matt Clement! And he sucked! He lost all those big games for them down the stretch while the rest of the team was playing their butts off. He was the goat! It just figures because those evil Tribsters are so stupid.
Oh, this is gold! I have to write this down.
Let’s see, I hope Mark Prior has sucked lately, so I can blame it on Dusty and the evil Tribsters. Damn, he pitched good last time. What about the scary Venezuelan guy who tried to kill me by slamming my head into the urinal last year? Oh, he won yesterday. Broke that losing streak. Damn.
You know what I could do? I could go to the game tonight and interview Dusty and Jim Hendry and some of the players. Yeah, like I’m going to do that! Hah! I crack me up. Instead, I’m going to rub Crisco all over my naked body and watch the volleyball scene from Top Gun over and over again!
OK, let’s see who else the Cubs gave up on. Hey, they traded Jon Garland just the other day! July of 1998! Wow were they stupid! Didn’t they know he’d have one great month just seven years later? They deserve to lose. Garland was the heart and soul of that 1998 wild card team. How could they trade him! I better look up his stats for that year. I remember him though, he was great.
Oh, he wasn’t even in double-A by then. Never mind. They’re still stupid.
Hey, they got beat by Jon Lieber on Saturday! Those idiots! They had him, too! He pitched great for them! He won a Cy Young I think. Yeah, he won 20 games in 2001, so that means he won the Cy Young. Oh, this is good stuff.
When is the All-Star game this year? July something? Garland’s 6-0, that means he’ll be 24-0 by then! He’s gonna start that All-Star game. I’d better write that down. Just because he’s a career .500 pitcher, that doesn’t mean he can’t go 48-0 this year!
What else? Oh, I need to say that the Cubs let Clement go because they’re too cheap. Lieber, too! Wait, what if the readers remember that they traded prospects, like Willis, for Clement and Alfonseca which actually increased the payroll? Or that they offered Lieber more guaranteed money to stay and rehab from his Tommy John surgery than the Yankees did? No, that doesn’t fit my hypothesis. Neither does trading Kyle Lohse for Rick Aguilera when Aguilera was overpaid and Lohse was making $1,000 a month. But I’ll throw it in anyway. My readers are complete dumbasses, so they won’t even notice!
Wow, I’m almost done. Oooh, I need one more thing. Hah! The Cubs left Andy Sisco exposed in the Rule V draft, which I’m not sure what that is, because they were too cheap! That has to be why they did it!
No, that’s not enough. Hey, how about blaming them for trading a guy 17 years ago! Jamie Moyer! Even though he sucked for them and five other teams before he finally got good and last year he was hellaciously bad. Who cares! I’m done.
Time to fly into the danger zone! I love the smell of Crisco in the evening!
Guh. I feel creepy just thinking about it.
Oh, and here’s Jay’s steaming pile for the day. Just horrendous.
Yeah Jay! How could the Cubs let me go? I just won an important game for the Red Sox.
Don’t forget me Moronotti.
Don’t forget me Moronotti. I was a recent bad trade as well.
You know what else I hate about the Cubs? They didn’t trade any of their young talent to get a closer with a track record this off-season. They should have done that. Look what happened last time they did that. They got Alfonseca and Clement and all they had to give up was some no name minor leaguers.
I’m sitting down by the bullpen and calling 911 when those guys get up. It’s not working. Tonight I’ll try calling 912.
I asked for a Wood trade on April 14. Clearly, Wood’s trade value was much higher then when he was only coming off an injury not actually injured. You guys should have listened to me.
Andy, is your phone unlisted? May we recommend this to you as we know what happens to people who get into feuds with Jay Mariotti.
I keep on haunting you, you’ll never get rid of me!! MUAHAHAHAHA
Hello everybody and welcome to the Superstation, your home for Braves baseball, America’s Team.
I’m a phrase that makes no sense where I am in the story, but Jay had to shoe-horn me in somewhere becuase he thought I was witty.
Grossman is fat
that’s it, keep piling it on Kerry Wood…so who would
you like to replace him with…some of the promising(yawn)
arms in the farm system? Let’s see Mit-tray? Wellmeyer?
yawn. Guzman? What? He’s hurt? I mean, he’s hurt
last year wasn’t he? Brownlee? What’s his era in triple
A? I mean, these guys keep coming up and down,
and they get blasted every time. Sure, go ahead,
keep calling for Wood’s head.
Not to act like baker basher, but why did Dusty use Wuertz and Remlinger last night. Today will be a close game and Remy probably will not be available. Baker will state, “The bullpen needed some rest”. When you use only 2 or 3 pitchers I see why they needed a rest. Last night would have been a nice spot for Oh’man’ my elblow to pitch. But a win is a win and I will take it anyway. Dusty just needs to brush up on his bullpen usuage. One guy that deserves a shot at the seventh and eighth is Wellemeyer. He has done a nice job since being recalled.
I’ll be available in the 5th or 6th!
what are you waiting for?? I’M AVAILABLE!!!
I think when you’ve lost 8 of 9, it’s defensible to bring in Wuertz with the bases loaded in a (then) 6-0 game. I also think it was nice to see Remlinger actually use his change up, and get a strikeout no less, against a lefty, even if that lefty was Doug Eyechart.
And yes, I’m aware that the Eyechart took LaTroy ladeep on Tuesday. He still sucks.