The Cubs are in the nation’s capital as we speak, and I’m sure that there’s a four star hotel somewhere along the Potomac in which Hank White is getting busy with one of his daily “power naps.”
The Cubs are 15-18 and really, they have been a huge inspiration to us this year. I’ve been inspired to do more productive things with three hours every day than watch them. Things like clean out the garage, help old ladies cross the street and just the other day I spent that time perfecting my “12-year-old girl handwriting” so I can send some phony love notes to Rob Goldman in the big house.
A week from tomorrow the Cubs will (barring any rain outs) play their 40th game. This is big. Baseball sage (and Colorforms backboard) Don Zimmer has a theory. He says that after 40 games, if you are .500 or better you’re in the hunt. If you’re under .500 you…you are not good.
Like everything Don says, you have to take it with a grain of salt. It’s hard to rely on the baseball wisdom of a guy whose doctors have advised not to stand within 10 feet of a microwave. But we do what we can.
The Cubs would have to go 5-2 this week to get to the Zimmer Line. They have three games in DC against whatever the Expos are now, two in Pissburgh and then the first two games of next weekend’s tilt with the White Sox.
Come on, five and two! How hard can that be? Well, we know how hard it can be. Especially for these bozos.
You would think that we’d take a lot of crap here at Desipio for completely ignoring the White Sox. The only time we even acknowledge their existence either involves shirtless guys tackling umpires or base coaches, or when a doctor sticks a poker in Hawk Harrelson’s eye. But we don’t take any crap from them.
And we did a study to find out why.
83 percent of Americans have access to the Internet either at home or at work or both.
Of the 17 percent of those who do not, 93 percent of those people live in trailer parks.
94 percent of all Sox fans live in trailer parks. (The other six percent are homeless.)
I added all those numbers together and got a headache, and a useless number. But I’m pretty sure that we just don’t have any Sox fans readers. We had that one guy, Steve, but he finally went away.
So I have all of this advice for Sox fans, and no way of imparting it. So I’ll just tell you. Even though you don’t care.
The 2005 White Sox remind me of the 2001 Cubs in so many ways. The 2001 Cubs used a hot start against lousy teams (they played 22 of their first 34 games against the Expos, Rockies, Pirates, Brewers and Padres). They were in first place for most of the first four months of the season, and even swung what everybody thought was a big trade (remember the Fred McGriff hostage crisis?) at the deadline.
They won 20 of their first 30 games.
But, reality set in. You don’t field an everyday lineup with Damon Buford, Matt Stairs, and Ricky Gutierrez and win anything. If you lose Bill Mueller and it send you into a tailspin? Chances are that tailsping was inevitable.
So let the Sox fans enjoy their time in the spotlight. Some day they’ll look back at that team and say, “Wow, did we really think a lineup with that Jap second baseman, Jermaine Dye, Aaron Rowand and Scott Podsednik was really going to work?”
Andy Katz obviously has the Internet, and he must have seen the report that Dee Brown thinks he might just want to play in the NBA next year.
This just proves that Dee needs to stay in college. If he’s too dumb to see that he’s not ready for the NBA, he shouldn’t be allowed to leave college.
Huh?
It seems that Dee has been inspired by the productive play of Bulls’ point guard Chris Duhon. He seems to think that if Duhon could make it in the Association (how Scoop Jackson of me), so can Dee. Uh…Dee, didn’t Duhon stick around for his senior year? You might remember that year, it was the one where your Illini lost to Duke and Duhon was faking the rib injury and outplayed you. You probably have that game on tape. Go check that out.
Dee also tends to ignore that Duhon barely even made the Bulls this year, and that only through him being in the perfect situation (the only other point guard on the Bulls’ roster was Frank Williams, who also left Illinois early and who is busy flushing his career down the toilet as we speak.), and the Bulls were desperate enough to put up with Duhon’s lousy shooting (35.2% field goals), because he played defense and didn’t turn the ball over.
Plus, Duhon really is 6’1 and 185 pounds, where Dee is probably closer to 5’11 and about 165. So Dee’s smaller, lighter, less experienced and highly unlikely to land in a spot as perfectly suited to what skills he has, as Duhon did.
But Dee wants to leave because he’s going to miss Deron and Luther? Dee, buddy. You’re going to miss them this year no matter what. But do you really want to miss them while you’re making 14 hour bus rides in the NBDL?
I didn’t think so. See you when classes start up again in August.
We made a huge deal about Dontrelle’s last pitch of a complete game being 93mph. It was like his 107th pitch or something. Didn’t Zambrano throw a 136 pitch complete game? And wasn’t his last pitch to Old Man Offerman like 98mph. Oh, whatever, Florida is on the east coast. Why don’t we acknowledge that something is very wrong when Garland and Willis are dominating. I know it’s early, but, come on.
Sammy is fung, meng.
We’re guilty of “East Coast” and “West Coast” Bias….Big Time
When I said “Jap second baseman”, I mean no disrespect to the Orientals. No disrespect.
I really do take a nice mugshot!
Do you guys like how I use my redneck accent to make a point, and then it can magically go away. My buddy Harold Reynolds speculated that Hudson, Mulder, and Pedro would all throw a ton more innings, since, you know, NL games are only 5 innings.
I work?
Yeah, thanks, Bill. And you mean no disrespect to me when you complain about my elastic waistband chafing the bottom half of your white whale belly. Big Tuna, my ass. “Big Whale Belly.”
You should have hired Romeo Crennel so you could have the appearance of some lost weight.
Steroids is fung, mang! Jose, you are a goot hombre, mang, you’re not another Venezuelan fucker!
To the Chicago Cubs players, management, fans and groupies:
On behalf of the fine city of Washington and the District of Columbia, I wanted to personally welcome you to the Nation’s Capital for this weekend’s three-game series. We hope you enjoy all the Capital city has to offer during your weekend stay here: the monuments, government buildings, pimp lobbyists, whore politicians, attorneys (who would provide good target practice if handguns were legal in the city; alas we’re the safest city in the country because we outlawed them), and all else the capital city brings.
I would like to personally invite you to the Fairmont Hotel on M Street, where I will be holding a welcoming party in the hospitality suite. Here are some highlights from last week:
Lemme tell ya somethin’ bruthas! The Hulkster thinks the Cubs will sweep this weekend’s series against the Nats. The Nationals are run by a huge, faceless corporation named MLB. They keep tossing money at them to prop them up, running them out against the competition, trying to knock them down a peg.
It reminds me of my battles with the blond-haired weasel, Bobby the Brain Heenan. He would always have a stable to goons that he’d throw at me in the squared circle, trying to get me to lose my title. Heenan would trot out Bigg John Studd, King Kong Bundy, and King Haku, and I would bodyslam them and leg drop them back to the showers, bruthas. Every one of them wound up staring up at the lights in the end, as the ref counted 1-2-3.
I even got my hands on that lousy weasel Heenan once. I had him by the throat and was ready to deliver a punch. He squirmed and pleaded, shaking his blond-mane wildly, even messing up his usually feathered hair. I was about to clobber him and bust his jaw when I got blasted in the head with a chair. Lousy weasel. I think it was Paul Orndorff that did it (another former friend that had betrayed me).
I hope the Cubs beat the stable of goons the evil MLB has assembled. Once Derrick Lee (who seems like a pretty cool dude to hang and bang with) gets the Nats loaded up in his 21″ guns, he’ll grand slam them to a 3-game sweep.
Whatcha gonna do?! When the Cubbies run wild on you?
I need some more crack . . .
Oh, and by the way, please feel free to celebrate baseball in the Nation’s Capital (First in War, First in Peace, Last in the American.. I mean, National … League… East), by pouring yourself a Marion Barry cocktail.
It’s
1/4 Jagermeister
1/4 Kahlua
1/4 Bourbon
1/4 Coke.
It’s so black, not even the man can keep it down!
Hogan, the Emperor of MLB does not share your optimistic appraisal of the Cubs’ chances this weekend against his minions. The Cubs should be most displeased with their apparent lack of progress. If you want to see them dare to stand up to the power of the MLB Dark Side, that shall need to double their efforts. And also homer their efforts.
Don’t make me crush your trachea with my mind.
Desipio is the place to be for all the stars!
Darth Vader, Hulk Hogan, Marion Barry, Bill Parcells….
Who knows what iconic personality will appear next. Andy, you truly have a welcome mat for all the glitz of the world.
hey Ozzie, are you alfonseca’s relative or something, meng? how
come you are grabbing my ass and also my shoulders…ahm ooh meng wait….
Ay, Caramba! All the stars should be blogging on my site. Come to huffingtonpost.com and watch Jim Lampley insist that Ohio was John Kerry’s because the Las Vegas oddsmakers had him as the favorite!
And aren’t exit polls conducted a few hours before the polls close about as reliable as getting a score in the seventh inning of a Cubs game and declaring the Chicagos the winner?
how many orientals play for the nationals?
Umm, thanks Mr. Barry, but I think we’ll just stay in Arlington instead.
Sorry, Andy. Sox fan here. Have been with this site for five years, and though I don’t live in a trailerpark, I did live in Tennessee for a bit (which is, after all, practically a trailerpark, or at least attracts as many “twisters” as trailerparks). Haven’t driven me away yet….
My honest opinion is that the Sox rotation is going to break down later in the season, and it’s going to be really, really close with Minny. But seriously, after all the crappy baseball in two crappy ballparks that I’ve had to endure the past three decades, that’s all I ask for – something to keep my mind interested after the annual Robby Alomar trade.
I be one of them Orientals, baby…shit.
Hey indolent reader, it could be worse. I mean Ken “the meng” Williams could trade for me again…what, oh…
Look at the run differentials for the Sox and the Marlins (44 to 54). The Sox could easily be a 20 win team and tied with the Twins. They’ve been very lucky so far. The collapse is coming and, to borrow a phrase from Ron Jeremy…It’s coming fast and coming hard…..
The Cubs on the other hand should have one or two more wins. Putting them at right about the Zim line.
ZZZZzzzzzzz…..ZZZZZzzzzzzz……ZZZZZZzzzzzzz…..
Yes, the pythagorean theorem is all that matters. It doesn’t matter if you actually win games, the standings should be based on run differential, otherwise baseball’s all about luck.
Mr. White, this is your mid day wake up call. Would you like us to send up the entire room service menu again?
What to enjoy more the rest of the season:
cubs getting on a roll or white sucks collapse
for me water & nachos and for my friend aramis, bring pancakes, lots of them
Front Desk? WTH are you doing serving Hank White gazpacho and flan? You were supposed to be posted several days ago! Quit playing waiter and get your butt in the studio for broadcasting!
The Front Desk? No. The Front Office? Yes.
Room service? Send up a bigger room.
And 3 hard boiled eggs.
how hilarity ensues, uninterrupted, without those huge Baker basher posts?
I confused the Front Office with his evil twin, the Front Desk.
Back to waiter duty!
The more you outscore your opponent (ie bigger run differential), the better your W/L record will be. It’s common sense.
But who around here has any of that?
Remember me?
Greggie won a big game in me, clinching the NL East for youse guys.
Enjoy your weekend listening to only 1 national anthem.
I’ve relocated my posts here, so hopefully you can continue in uninterrupted hilarity.:
bakerbasher.blogspot.com
Oh, and FDF= Fuck Dusty Forever.
MMmmm … pancakes
Aramis, here’s your order:
Aramis,
I think what we meant by wanting you to have more grand slams with us was this:
and not this:
How’s the visibility?
Yay, pictures!
Who doesn’t read a posting by “Porn?”
TW started it with his Ron ‘the hedgehog’ Jeremy quote. But, it’s clear there are porn aficianados that lurk at Desipio when one of the newest message board members has taken the name “Dirty Sanchez,” of Bang Bus video fame.
You think you have porn afficianados? Ha!
hey dudes, 2 game winning streak and i got you off my back, bros
The best right hander in basball…Is I. ph_279782.jpg
shit! Oh well. it’s me Jon Garland, My picture didn’t work right. You get the point.
Who actually watches me?
My God am I a tool. For a good laugh you might want to read my Cubs quotes at Chicagosports.com. Seriously, I am a worthless little geek.
I’m still the dumbass du jour?
I hope they have Internet access at Statesville.
Listen, Dolan. Ever since you forgot me when you posted a Cubs Live lineup, I’ve been TRYING to get some freaking recognition from this site.
Wednesday I make 2 errors, yet Carlos Beltran gets to be Dumbass Du Jour two days in a row. Today, I tried to hit 3 homeruns, went 0-3, AND missed a squeeze sign, but stupid Remlinger has to go and upstage me in the 9th.
It just not fair. I wanna be somebody!
For getting rid of that badness that was here a couple of hours ago, I think my sight is slowly but surely returning. That’s what happens when a moran from the south side, or st. louis finally learns how to use a computer.
Hello, friends! I hope you were watching the Braves/Dodgers game tonight so you could hear my insightful commentary. For example, I explained to the viewers that Hee Seop Choi had been discovered by Leon Lee, Derrek Lee’s father, and then segued into a story about how Choi had been traded to the Marlins for Alfonseca and Clement.
I am such a gosh darn moran.
Pancakes help me hit the home runs, but do not help me play the defense.
Gotta have as many errors as runs, dude.
Here’s another Sox fan that gets someone to occasionally read the best posts from this site to him.
All I want to know from you guys is how you can say the Sox have started the year playing an easy schedule…when they haven’t even started the Cubs series yet?
I see the Sox falling back to the pack only if they count too much on Hernandez and Contreras, which they seem to be doing right now. They could make the playoffs, seeing as the Cubs made it with Grudzielanek and Gonzalez up the middle.
Of course, the Sox aren’t likely to find a team to rape quite as easily as the Cubs getting Randall Simon and Eramis for absolutely nothing. They may have to win with what they got. Any Jon Garland’s down at West Tennessee you morans want to trade us?
We’ll get right on that, so you can have somebody ready by 2012.
Nuff said…
No more Garlands down there, but I’m around somewhere.
I seem to remember all you white trash fans wanting Garland shipped out the last few years. Now he is pitching way better than he ever has, or will again, and all of a sudden you love him? Wow. And you’re right about not getting anyone to let you rape them in a trade, there’s enough raping already going on in your section 8 housing.
Thanks for publishing you Sunday fellate fest about the poor little Sox not getting as much attention as the Cubs, and how great it would be if the Sox made the Series and the Cubs didn’t, yadda-yadda-yadda. If owning a newspaper and a baseball team is such a goshawful burden, maybe you should sell the team to someone who will turn it into a WS winner and not suck all the profits out of the team like you paper sucked the Sox today.
Calling me a front running guy isn’t really an insult, just a statement that my team is currently in first place in their “weak” division.
Were you a front-runner in 2003, or just a Cub Fan? Of course, you guys think you are front-runners every year, until the season actually starts.
I never personally asked for Garland to be shipped out, not when there were so many Danny Wrights and Scott Schoeneweis’ in the rotation. Garland just needs his brain to catch up with his arm, sort of like Kerry Wood. That Cubs minor league system must really teach those guys a lot.
As for my housing, don’t worry about the living conditions, I live in a Cubs town, not the south suburbs. I have enough money, since I don’t have to pay scalpers for bleacher tickets and waste $40 a game on beer.
you don’t waste 40$ on beer, you just drink Mad Dog 20/20 in the parking lot before the game.
I thought I cost just as much at Wrigley as I do at Com.. or whatever the fuck they call it now.