Today in the Tribune, baseball expert dumbass Phil Rogers takes the time to put together yet another All-City Team of Cubs and White Sox. This was a pathetically weak idea in 1998 when they first thought of it, and it’s only gotten weaker over the years.
You don’t think so? Look at some of the Cubs who have made the team over the years.
Antonio Alfonseca
Gary Matthews, Jr. (I’m not making this up)
Matt Stairs
Jeff Fassero
Damon Buford (Yes, that Damon Buford)
Joe Girardi
Todd Van Poppel
Tyler Houston (at third base, no less)
Brant Brown
And my all-time favorite All-City selection of all time, Sandy Martinez.
Sandy Martinez, a career .230 hitter with six career homers, was, according to the Tribune, the best catcher in Chicago in 1998.
If there ever was a reason to have no further discussion about the All-City Team, or not waste time actually linking to it, well, this would be it.
By the way, if you actually fielded a team made up of the guys’ Phil picked for this year’s All-City Team, you’d finish below .500. It’s just awful. Abysmal, really.
———————–
The Cubs did it again yesterday, rallying in the most improbable way to knock off the Pirates in the ninth inning, again.
Jose Mesa hadn’t blown a save in 23 straight tries before blowing Derrek Lee, I mean, blowing a save on a Derrek Lee homer on Tuesday night. Jose was even more giving yesterday.
How can you explain a rally in which the RBIs are generated by Todd 0 for May Hollandsworth and The Gremlin?
How can you explain a save for Ryan Dempster when he starts off by allowing a double and walking a guy and the Cubs make an error later in the inning? You can’t. You just get your ass to the airport and get on a plane before somebody figures out you really didn’t win.
The ninth inning all around was full of cringe-inducing decisions by Dusty Baker. Jeromy Burnitz led off with a walk. Then was gunned down trying to steal second. Then Michael Barrett doubled and apparently his right arm fell off. Not needing his arm to run, he stayed in the game, but had to let Hank White catch the bottom of the ninth. Barrett thinks he just “overdid it” working on his throwing on Tuesday and that it caught up with him yesterday. Whatever. These are the Cubs, when a player compains of a shoulder pain the end result is amputation.
Corey Patterson was inexplicably walked to get to Jason Dubois. Keep in mind, that even though Dusty drives us nuts, he’s not nearly as dumb as Lloyd McClendon. Luh-loyd takes the cake. And apparently eats most of it, too.
OK, so it’s going to be Dubois against Mesa. You had to like that matchup. Mesa was struggling with his control, and the last two righties he’d faced in big situations had lit him up (Lee the night before, Barrett just four pitches before). So what does Dusty do? He pinch hits Todd Hollandsworth.
Todd is 0 for his last 15 and hasn’t had a clue since last June.
So what does Todd do? He rips a ball down the line that Daryle Ward is too fat to get out of the way of, but too uncoordinated to catch. Barrett scores from second as the ball rolls into foul territory. I lose track and think Corey Patterson has also scored. Then I realize Corey’s still on third and now The Gremlin, Jose Macias is coming up. The cameras show us that E-ramis is in the dugout with his batting helmet on, holding a bat. We all begin to convulse wondering why E-ramis isn’t coming to bat instead of Macias.
So what does Macias do? He flies to deep right, Corey scores and the Cubs lead. Then, E-ramis pinch hits for Mike Wuertz and strikes out. Who knew?
It just goes to show that sometimes Dusty’s actually right. Wait, was that out loud?
He certainly was right to want to use Neifi instead of Scotty Hairston, or Jerry or whatever his name is.
Jerry’s like a children’s book character. You know a little kid who would burn the house and when his parents and the firemen ask him what happened he’d just say, “Scotty did it!” He’s like that when he goes all Pele on ground balls. “Scotty did it!” And half of the TV viewers believe him because Bob Brenly apparently thinks Scotty did it, too.
It could be that the Cubs will have another week of “Scotty did it” because Todd Walker has lit up Pacific Coast League pitching to the tune of 0 for 15! He’s the Todd Hollandsworth of the PCL.
The Cubs say Todd might need a little more time to work on his stroke. Gee, ya think? If I was 0-15 in the PCL I wouldn’t need work on my stroke, I’d be having a stroke. Yikes.
Sweaty Joe is doing a little better.
But instead of focusing on their rehabs, let’s enjoy a little think the Iowa Cubs have on their Web site called, “Know Your Iowa Cubs Interns.” Yes, it’s comedy gold.
Today’s lucky intern is Jessica Carper!
Jessica’s funnest, fun facts are that her nickname is Carp. We can only imagine why. Oh, I suppose it’s because of her last name. Silly me.
And, she has one leg that is 5/8 of an inch longer than the other. This is not the kind of freaky genetics you ought to be advertising. Though I guess she does it to explain why she wears a clog on one foot and a running shoe on the other.
Jessica also wishes she could surf. Which, of course would come in pretty handy in Des Moines.
She also is the one person in the world who actually likes candy corn. Lewis Black had a good bit on the Daily Show where he was talking about Thanksgiving and at one point he held up a piece of candy corn and said, “Do you know what this is?”
“Nausea!”
He was right, too.
Anyway, we’ll have to keep an eye out for more exciting ‘Know Your Iowa Cubs Interns’, because that is some good stuff.
We’d never rip off an idea like that. Never.
This is too rich. I had been planning to head over to Des Moines to catch a game sometime in the next few days and now I can look for The Carp. Of course, her pet peeve is laziness, so I guess I’ll have to get out of my seat and look for her. Sergio Meat Tray is scheduled to throw tonight, and his performance will likely dictate whether he or a AA lefty gets sacrificed against the Astros and Roger Clemens next Tuesday. Maybe I can talk Todd Walker into heading out for a post-game beer at The Lumber Yard!
I may be 0-15 in Iowa, but I did manage to rack twice the RBI Scotty has all season — 2!
Danny Noonan: Where did that one go?
Ty: Right in the lumberyard.
She’s not hard on the eyes if you doin’t mind the “blog” sound her clog makes once every two steps….blog, regular step, blog, regular step, blog, regular step…it’s histerical!
I am way, way, way better than Hank.
I also kick Gabor’s butt.
If I was your backup catcher in 2003, we would have won the WS
I made all city! Boy that speaks volumes, huh. Me and Chris Widger coming off the bench.
If you thought today’s column was a stinker, wait until a month or 2 from now, if the Cubs keep doing bad and the Sox doing good. I’ll be writing about how the Cubs should trade Maddux/Lee/whoever might be playing good to the Sox, so that all of Chicago can enjoy and contribute to a Sox World Series.
“This stuff is gold Jay! Care for a belt of scotch? I know it’s only 6 am. That Garland-Karchner trade, man Jay, you are on top of things again! This is just like when you brought up the Bell-Sosa deal in 98′. Hey, I got one for you, how about trainer Mark O’Heal. Ha! go ahead you can use it, it’s not like you need any help coming up with HILARIOUS names.”
maybe the cubs let me go because the trade was made 7 YEARS AGO,
and for the last 6.5 years I’VE BEEN CRAPPY.
Yeah, I’d do the Carp.
Hmm, Anyone want to buy Iowa Cubs tickets? Call (515) 243-6111 and ask for the Carp! I’ll do anything to get you in a box seat at Sec Taylor Stadium.
Hey, I banged a chick with only one leg. One leg shorter than the other is nuthin’.
Ah’m bored these days. Maybe I can buy a minor-league baseball team and get to meet all the interns.
I’d like to meet some (female) interns also. God, I’m a hideous troll.
Woops, I got my name wrong earlier! But hey look, you can ride a bus to Wrigley with me this year!
I’ll be leading the Des Moines contingent in the FYC’s!
Shouldn’t our players be on the all-city team?
“Hey Jay, get me a story on this Carper gal. I can see it now…Leg-less Jess Dreams of a Life in Cubdom…great Mariotti, run with it. We can’t let those Desipidiots beat us to the full story.”
Jessica Carper could be our celebrity host.
Dave man, I’m the classier joint in town. Eff that yuppie Lumberyard right up its ass.
I wish Carpy said FMC.
Oh you didn’t!
Big Earl’s classy? I’d bet I’d run into 2-3 of my ex-cons there AND pick up a disease. I’m kinda partial to Beach Girls and Pandora’s box in West Des Moines.
How come we have never seen Jessica in “The Front Office”?
Does this mean Sloth will be paying more attention to the Cubs’ minor league system?
Hey, I was a 1998 All-City selection!
I was a 1999 Selection!
These were my numbers the season before being acquired by the Cubs:
.308/405/.482
For the Cubs? Not so good:
.219/.340/.299
Tomorrow’s the biggest matchup of the year, folks.
The world champion red sox travel to hotlanta to face the brav-o’s.
Honesty compels me to say I’ll be thinking of the beege.
I hope you guys are ready to be swept at home. You are facing the best starting staff since the Orioles one of the early 80’s. Our offense is made up of the best base stealer in the game followed up by plenty of thunder. Granted the boys aren’t hitting that well, but it is only a matter of time before they do, and then…look out. This team could win 120 games in a real tough division, easily. We have fans that know the game and only care about WINNING. As usual, better ballpark, better team, better fans, and a great chance to go all the way for the Sox this year. And Cubs people hate Hawk because they are jealous that they don’t have a “voice” anymore. Hawk is the best announcer around and he is totally original, unlike your guys- past and present. Bow down to one of the perennially best, and consistent franchises bitches. This is a special team we have, enjoy watching us go all the way.
He gone
Hey, so you’re the other guy! And yes, any pitching staff with El Duque and Jose Contreras has to be one of the best ever!
One leg shorter than the other? Shouldn’t her name be Eileen?
I hope you guys are ready to be swept at home. HAHAHAHAHAHA
You are facing the best starting staff since the Orioles one of the early 80’s. HAHAHAHAHA… SNL IS IN YOUR FUTURE BUDDY
Our offense is made up of the best base stealer in the game followed up by plenty of thunder. Granted the boys aren’t hitting that well, but it is only a matter of time before they do, and then…look out. YEAH, WHATEVER…WE’RE SHAKING
This team could win 120 games in a real tough division, easily. THE NEW WILL FERRELL
We have fans that know the game and only care about WINNING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
As usual, better ballpark, NEWER ISN’T BETTER better team, WILL SEE better fans, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and a great chance to go all the way for the Sox this year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA And Cubs people hate Hawk because they are jealous that they don’t have a “voice†anymore. BUT WE HAVE A RETINA AND YOU DON’T.
Hawk is the best announcer around and he is totally original, LIKE COORS OR SOMETHING unlike your guys- past and present. Bow down to one of the perennially best, and consistent franchises bitches. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA CONSISTENTLY BAD. This is a special team BUNCH OF WEIRDOS we have, enjoy watching us go all the way. HAHAHAHAHAHA
THIS WAS FUNG, MENG.
The White Sox received the World Series trophy today.
Hey No. 1 Sox Fan,
Why not check out the pitching staffs I was on these seasons:
1989
1993
1994
1995
1996
1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
and oh yes
2004
I think I’ll no hit your horrible club tomorrow.
Watch out for me! I’m so dreamy, I distract the opposition! That’s why you should never bring a date to the Cell and sit in CF. God, who the hell writes our radio ads?
I want to give a hearty “YES!” to baseball’s best fans, a far superior bunch to those North Siders:
South Side…… YES!
Hernandez and Contreras were both good enough for the Yankees, so they are good enough for the Sox too. Those staffs will be nowhere near as good as ours is this year, guy up there, you’ll see. We could have 3 twenty game winners and all will win at least 15 games with sub 4 era’s. We’ll have a Cy Young, an MVP, and a World Series trophy soon enough. Hermanson has turned into Gagne, under the best pitching coach around, The Coopster. 97 years and counting bitches.
Hey No. 1 Sox fan:
Remember this:
That was awesome.
Coming to America!
I turned into him??
Shoeless Joe was the best hitter ever to come through Chicago, he was even better than your beloved Cap Anson. The Cubs may have more guys in the Hall of Fame, but those guys were either lucky in getting in, benefitted from playing in Wrigley, or don’t deserve to be there, ie…Ryne Sandberg, Hack Wilson, Frank Chance, Fergie Jenkins, etc…
Ahem.
Also, did I throw a World Series? No, I don’t think I did.
Shoeless Joe wasn’t capable of dreaming of being as good as me.
Oh, and Shoeless Joe, like his fans, was functionally illiterate.
Yes, Luis Aparicio is a slam-dunk hall of famer.
You had plenty of good years with the Cardinals, eh Rogers. Cubs suck. Oh and McDowell, Bere, Fernandez, and Alvarez was a better rotation than the Cubs will ever see. Prior is over overrated, Wood sucks, Maddux is old and lucky, Zambrano is crazy. Your farm system sucks, and I don’t need to tell you about your pen, considering ours is the best in the game.
Remember me? I was never as annoying as this dildo.
Sandberg stunk, now Minnie Minoso, that guy had talent. People whine about Santo not getting in, what about Minoso, he was one of the all time greats. Santo wasn’t any good either. The pitchers that dominated that era, Gibson, Drysdale, Koufax, Jenkins, etc… were all overrated.
Apparently if you are a White sox fan you are entitled to use the word “suck” instead of punctuation.
I only played for the Cubs for a few years, but I remained in the organization for years, benefitting from the fact that I never conspired with gamblers to throw a World Series.
I batted over .400 a few times with the Cards, but when I made it to the Cubs in 1929, my .380/.459/.679 line (along with my 39 HRs and 149 RBI in a pre-modern configurement Wrigley Field) is a wee better than Joe Jackson’s best year with the Sox, which of course his .382/.444/.589 line (along with 12 HRs and 121 RBI). Of course, that was 1920, Jackson’s last season.
Jackson’s best season probably came with the Indians.
You got me, I’m no sox fan, I was just trying to get the blood boiling against the invading turd horde. Come on, no sox fan could be this dumb. They don’t even know who Minnie Minoso is, much less that Hornsby played for the cards. I thought the Frank Chance comment would have given me away.
Oh, sorry. I forgot for whose benefit I was writing. Puntuation is the practice of using a set of standardized mark to clarify meaning or for emphasis.
We were a pretty good rotation.
In Field of Dreams, I am smart and Italian, instead of an illiterate, retarded redneck.
you mean marks right, smart guy? PunCtuation is spelled this way.
And Shoeless Joe of Field of Dreams stole my slumpbuster! That’s OK. I gave her the clap.
is most likely a Cardinal fan.
We’re both northsiders, yuppies and Cubs fans, but Sox fans love me (John) because I turned in a sympathetic portrayal of Buck Weaver in 8 Men Out, and Sox fans love me (Joan) because I’m the pitchwoman for the cell phone company that bought the naming rights at their “ballpark.”
Gracie banged the hell out of me though. You can catch me at 2et or 1ct on the hallmark channel every morning. I also have a commercial out about dry eyes…probably something Grace gave me.
it’s me fellas, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Who’s more annoying, me or Gary Sinise?
Gracie banged you, Janine? That’s OK. I banged Palmeiro, Davey Martinez, Domingo Ramos, Al Nipper, Craig Lefferts, Mike Bielecki, and Ruben Amaro.
Me.
Buck Weaver is now thought by many to be one of the ringleaders of the scandal, so it should figure sox fans like him.
Meant to change my poster name up there.
Go Nats!
You brought me to tears, with that picture by the way.
when I managed the D’backs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Better leave “the Carp” out of “The Front Office”. She could sue your ass and end up owning Desipio. Which might not be a bad thing, after all.
Where has “test” been lately? I miss his pithy comments.
I can only hope Jessica Carper finds it in her to send one of her works to me.
I was like so hoping for all of this to happen to me. Kudos to like, all of you for the super duper reception!
The What Sox?
Hi Carp, let’s see the nekkid pics.
Wheeeee!!!