It’s tempting to feel sorry for the Houston Astros, given that after blowing a 2-0 lead to the Cubs last night that they are an incredible 2-21 on the road.
Wait, did I say tempting? I meant it’s impossible to feel sorry for these assbags. Watching Roger Clemens limp off the mound and into the dugout was tremendous. Watching Brad Lidge try and throw strikes after getting about four warm up pitches was terrific. The only way it could have been better would have been for Lance Berkman to fall down the dugout steps to his death. Maybe tonight?
The Cubs, if you haven’t noticed, and judging by how much bitching we’re all doing—you haven’t, have won eight of their last 12 games. Eight and four? It ain’t exactly the 2002 A’s, but it’s progress. A win tonight against Brandon Backacne and the Cubs will be back at .500. It’s exciting. I wonder what time the parade down Michigan Avenue starts?
Actually the Cubs blew three of those games (two in Washington and the Saturday Sox loss), and we could be looking at an 11-1 run. Of course, they also used final at bat rallies to win three so it could also be 5-7. So, uh, never mind.
What was lost amid the big eighth inning rally (all done in a so un-Cub fashion, with no homers and some actual walks and deep counts), was the job Sergio Meat Tray did. He went seven innings, only allowed five hits and two runs, and if not for fielding adventures by Jason Dubois, and Serge himself, he should have given up nothing.
Sergio’s got a chance to be a pretty good major league starter. He doesn’t have star written on him or anything (though, he’s got a soft core porn star look to him), but when he actually throws strikes like he did last night, he’s tough because he’s got good stuff and a good feel for when to take a little off his fastball and when to put a little on. Like I said on the message board, if Sergio was a first-round pick out of Rutgers we’d all be fired up about how well he’s developed. Instead he’s a seventh-round pick out of a community college in San Diego and the first time any of us had even heard of him he was starting a game, for the Cubs, against Greg Maddux.
Thanks to what appears to be just another fairy tale from Bruce Levine, last night’s game had a feel to it that reminded me of that night in Atlanta. Sergio was pitching against a Hall of Famer and lost, but nobody cared because near the end of the game a trade was announced. It was Matt Bruback, Jose Jerkoff and a player to be named Bobby Hill later to the Pirates for Kenny Lofton and E-ramis.
Rumors were swirling all day yesterday about two different trades. One was Jason Dubois, LaTroy Hawkins and two minor leaguers to the Philles for Billy Wagner, Placido Polanco and Lofton (that one just smelled made up). The other was from a guy who claimed to have been on a Cincinnati to Chicago flight with Danny Graves and Adam Dunn, and was supposed to be Patterson, Mitre, the Ice Man and somebody else for those two.
But not only didn’t a trade happen last night, it doesn’t appear that there’s one even on the horizon.
Billy Wagner’s having a great year, even though he did cough one up in Florida last night. He’s got a 19-3 strikeout to walk ratio, a WHIP of 0.86 and the first of his two blown saves ended up as his win when he saw the Phillies rally on the infamous LaTroy Hawkins bounced ball off Jose Offerman’s helmet play. Then Billy went out and pitched a perfect ninth.
It’s tempting to watch Ryan Dempster settle in to the closer’s role and think it’s going to work. He blew his first chance and has now saved four in a row. He even did the tighrope walk any good closer has to pull off once and a while when he got out of the bases loaded jam against Pissburgh. So if you’re Jim Hendry and you’re sitting in your office shoving Ding Dongs down your gullet and looking at a board that lists every Major League team’s 40-man roster, you are probably thinking right now that the bullpen is in decent shape with Dempster, Sweaty Joe, Mike Wuertz, LaTroy, Will Ohman, Todd Wellemeyer and those other two clowns. So you’re going to focus on offense, right?
Be careful there. As good as it’s been to see Dempster get two 1-2-3 saves, he was pitching to the Astros. Stephen Hawking could record back-to-back saves against that offense.
Offense is the priority right now, but don’t trick yourself into thinking the bullpen has been fixed. LaTroy’s still a nutcase, Joe’s only thrown one inning (and one of those flyballs still hasn’t landed) and Dempster will only go as far as his control will let him.
It’s hard to find bullpen guys and even harder to trade for good ones, that’s why it’s so easy to convince yourself, with even a minimum of actual evidence that your bullpen is in good shape. The most consistent winners in baseball in the last 15 years, the Braves and Yankees never stop tinkering with their bullpens. Well, actually, the Yankees stopped messing with theirs three years ago, and the bullpen has killed them in three straight postseasons now. That doesn’t include the 2001 World Series because Mariano Rivera blew game seven and he’s the greatest postseason relief pitcher of all-time. Though he’s falling apart now, but I digress.
Last night the Cubs’ bench only had four guys on it. They optioned Ben Grieve to Iowa (lucky you, Ben) to activate Sergio and were left with Todd Hollandsworth, Jose Macias, Henry Blanco and Corey Patterson. Patterson hurt his wrist running into Jeromy Burnitz on Monday so he wasn’t available to pinch hit. That meant that once Dusty used Holly in the eighth, his only pinch hit options were Macias and Hank. Wow. I shudder to think about it.
There have been two benefits to Dusty’s decision to finally play Dubois in left every day. First, Dubois can hit, which is nice, but also, it puts Hollandsworth back in a role that he’s really good at. Look, Todd wants to play. Any competitive athlete wants to play, but what Todd is particularly adept at is pinch hitting. Sure he should get a start every seven or eight games to stay sharp, but the Cubs bench needs him and the lineup needs Dubois. This isn’t exactly rocket science, is it?
Enrique Wilson got a start last night, because Corey had to sit and Hairston the Lesser had to go wander around center field. Enrique walked in three at bats. Way to go, you base clogger!
All indications are that Todd Walker will be back tonight, meaning that either Mike Remlinger goes on the imaginary DL or Todd Wellemeyer goes back to Des Moines. Wellemeyer doesn’t deserve to go back to AAA. He’s been lights out since he was called up in May. Since his return he’s allowed one hit, one walk and no runs in seven and a third innings with nine strikeouts. We always knew that once he got some control he was going to be tough to hit. It seems like that time has come.
What is the possible argument for keeping Remlinger active? He can’t get lefties out, so he’s basically just another righthanded reliever, only he throws with his left hand. Dusty already trusts Ohman more than him, and Cliff Bartosh can’t be any worse than Remlinger’s been.
Here’s what I think is going to happen tonight. The Cubs will put either Remlinger or Bartosh on the DL with some vague injury like “shoulder soreness” or something. If they think they are close to swinging a deal with Remlinger in it they’ll DL Bartosh, if they aren’t, then they’ll DL Remlinger. And I’m sure The Genius will let out a cry of “foul play” accusing the Cubs of stashing a guy on the DL. Meanwhile, Cody McKay is on the Cardinals DL with hemorrhoids.
(Actually, he’s not. But it’d be funny if he was.)
Tonight is the big season finale of “Lost”, which is a strangely addictive show. For instance, when it first came on, all you could think about was how hot Kate was. Then, while she didn’t get any less hotter, both the Korean chick and the pregnant one began to make a run at her in the hotness category. And that doens’t even include the smokin’ blonde who had sex with her dead brother. Huh?
Last week’s “Lost” was a waste of time, but you could tell they were setting up a number of potential cliffhangers for tonight, some of which they’ll resolve and some they’ll make us wait all summer for.
The two-hour finale of “24” on Monday didn’t disappoint, either. It’s ending sets up next winter’s season with what could be the most interesting one of the lot. Jack will be running from CTU for 24 weeks (hours). And I get the feeling he’ll be kicking the weasely new president’s ass.
————
For unkown reasons (actually, I know the reason–laziness), “The Front Office” has completely fallen out of any regular schedule. I’m going to try and get it back on it’s every Tuesday one starting with next week, but I’m not planning to skip this week. I won’t promise you when the new one will appear because I don’t want to promise something and have it not be ready. But there will be a new one. See, a more professional writer would work an episode or two ahead. But you know me better than that.
However, I do have something to keep you entertained. Len Kasper has agreed to do an interview with Desipio. Karry Ling is pretty sure he’s going to be doing the questioning, because his interviews are always so insightful, but I thought I’d let you interview him.
Here’s how it’s going to work. You send me your questions to the old askandy@desipio.com address. I’ll pick some of the best ones, throw in a few of my own, let Karry toss in a few and we’ll get them answered.
You’ll have all this week to get your questions in, and then I’ll get them to Len while the Cubs are on that west coast road trip. Because there’s nothing better to do in LA or San Diego than type answers to pointless, smartassed questions into a laptop.
I can quantify how bad Rogers is.
I have concluded, in fact, that Phil Rogers is–how do I put this technically?–fucking terrible.
There.
“I, for one, wrote four columns advocating [Ozzie Guillen] for the job in the fall of 2003.”
Let it be known that I am fully aware I pop out retread columns just to fill space. Also let it be known that I do not recognize the fact that this makes me a horrible journalist and an obnoxious assbag.
Andy, did you just defend Wagner? I was told that would be my job. Alas….
Where’s the love for me? I’m taking this team to the top single-handed guys! I can do other things single-handed too, boys…..xoxo
[img]http://www.iowacubs.com/images/upload/jcmugbig.jpg[/img]
Your message board won’t post my picture anymore? :-(
I don’t think anybody specifically banned you, Carp.
Oh crap.
It’s![]()
but without spaces.
Nevermind. It automatically converts the tag.
C’mon Rally Carp…
so i get to work this morning and my buddy in the ATL (see Andy, i’m helping take desipio nationwide) emails me “did you see Jeff Gordon sing take me out to the ball game last night at ‘Wrigley Stadium’? Can’t wait for The Dose” and i had the same thought while hoping for material on the bullet he threw from the mound for the first pitch. so here’s the Dose and there’s nothing mocking the poster boy for one of the worst “sports” out there. Well, what would you say… you do here?
After wathcing that sissy-boy Gordon skip around Wrigley Stadium last night, it’s a lot clearer to me now why he is so despised by a majority of the NASCAR faithful.
A numb groin is the first sign of syphilis.
Why the hell am I seeing a therapist?
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/sns-ap-bba-yankees-rodriguez-therapy,1,23496.story?coll=sns-ap-sports-headlines
May 23, 2005
Burnitz & Dubois:
games 65
at bats 217
HR 11
RBI 38
AVG .276
SLG .645
Sosa & Alou:
games 55
at bats 204
HR 9
RBI 30
AVG .265
SLG .554
Did anybody see “NCIS” last night? One of the main characters (Sasha Alexander) was shot in the forehead at the end of the season finale, and her head exploded much like a replay of JFK on the Zapruder films. It was one of the most graphic killings I’ve ever seen on network TV.
That being said, Andy’s wish of Lance Berkman falling down the dugout steps to his death brought me a chuckle.
Oh, dear lord. I hadn’t heard Jeff’s “performance” until I was in the car at lunch. That really is the worst ever. Him butchering the words is nothing new for morans doing the singing, but “Wrigley Stadium?” I thought it was bad enough that during his pre-singing interview he said you could fit the Bristol Motor Speedway inside of Wrigley, but that was…just awful.
The celebrity singing was a bad idea before the novelty wore off, now it’s a nuisance, as proven by the fact that I watched the whole game and managed to avoid it out of sheer disdain for the exercise.
the cubs will be me tonight
http://www.iowacubs.com/aspx/news.aspx?id=1978
It’s yet another “Know Your Iowa Cubs Intern.”
Do you think they have any idea that Desipio is the sole source of readership for these?
I have it on authority that his nickname is actually The Fang and that the “n” is silent.
Meh. Where are more intern chicks?
I know I am not exactly a bastion of intelligence, but could these nicknames be any lamer? Is a 1st grader making them up? “Huh huh, you’re names Carper… I’m gonna call you Carp. And you, Fangman… You’re Fanger.”
They still have not sold out the May 28 bus trip to Wrigley! For just $95 you can enjoy the game with none other than me!
http://www.iowacubs.com/aspx/news.aspx?id=1906
Type “rally carp” into me and see that Desipio is the #3 hit.
Wheee!
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I am like 60. Born in 66 my arse. Am I the non white Crash Davis? I know I don’t catch, but I’m never gonna hang em’ up.
Type “sarah wood wheeeeee” into Google and I’m second. And it’s kind of scary that any other site is first.
Just wondering … what’s the best Cubs message board (besides Desipio’s) and what’s the address?
Insidetheivy.com
We like looking at cool pictures.
I am about to jump the shark here, be careful guys….
Last night pointed out some dazzling but not surprising informaton.
The baseball game at Wrigley Field was a battle between two of the shittiest teams in baseball. Are the Asstros and Cubs trying to set a record for the quickest game in baseball? These two teams trying to score runs are as painful as setting in the dentist’s chair getting a root canal.
Then you have Jeff Gordon who doesn’t even know what historic baseball field he is at? What a smug son of a bitch and horrible singer he is too? He really made Nascar look like white trash? Oh did I say Nascar and white trash in the same sentence?
Does Enrique Wilson look like a smaller and chubbier Tom Goodwin or what? He sucks as bad as Tom too!
Yes it is definitely time for a trade for offense and time to ditch Hawkins and Remlinger in whatever way you can? You must DL Remlinger and keep Mitre as the 5th starter after you activate Walker. I would put Walker at 2B immediately and actually I would even put Hairston Jr. in CF after trading Korey Patterson depending on who you get. Korey must go along with Hawkins.
Let’s go for the first sweep of the year tonight against the worthless Asstros.
GO CUBS!
Baker Basher
Not funny like Desipio, but not awful. For the love of god, Kevin, you don’t want to go to Inside the Ivy.
played 8.3 miles south. Remember this, bitches? Still rings true today.
don’t you usually do me in a dentist’s chair. What a redneck.
Major League Baseball, the screen door of yer trailer is swung wide open. Yer neighbor might let himself in and steal the rest of yer meth stash.
Get the fuck out of here. Bitch.
Overused? Yes.
Remember this?
Major League Ballpark: 8.3 miles north.
Is anyone shocked that these were the three people arrested after the game on Sunday….?
Thomas Novak, 29, of the 3900 block of West 104th Street; Ryan Novak, 25, of the 15700 block of Lake Drive in Oak Forest; and Chad Novak, 23, of the 5200 block of West 157th Street in Oak Forest, were charged with one count each of aggravated battery and aggravated battery in the public way, he said.
Actually, Google Maps suggests that 1060 W. Addison is 9.8 miles southeast of where I’m sitting. 8.3 miles would get me to Lane Stadium, though.
The Tribune reported that the three hoodlums wore me to court.
Look what I caught!
Is that the Rally Carp?
Better move your ass, TJ.
Just proves we are not only tougher than you northside queers, but more loyal fans as well. Sox will go all the way this year.
Well, I guess my finger is injured. That’s weak, especially with all the goofy injuries and psuedo injuries we can make up.
Hey Jerry, I kept your seat warm on the bench, welcome back.
That’s funny, Mike, because MY finger’s injured from constantly flipping the bird at your washed-up ass.
We welcome you to our fold, Mike D.
Yes, well I am terrible, so that makes sense.
I thought I was the worst 7th inning stretch singer guy……ever. Sharon!!!!!!wheres my…………………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Am I this?
cf Hairston
ss Neifi!
1b Lee
rf Burnitz
3b Aramis
2b Walker
lf Dubois
c Barrett
p Maddux
I heard Walker was batting sixth, and that to me, would mean no Corey again tonight.
I usually eat buffet from five until seven. Six o’clock start mess with ARam’s schedule. Mongo no like.
According to my nascar loving, redneck, faggot ass…all the people at Wrigley are losers and Jeff Gordon is way better than any of them. Wow, I am just another worthless, fat, stupid, cunt of a sportswriter. Fuck me, I suck.
Right this way Mr. Ramirez. Your usual 6 dozen pancakes with a side of stuffed french toast?
You talkin to me Cowlishaw?
That’s Wrigley STADIUM. Dummy.
Sloth,
Can you get me an approximate age on the chick in the yellow turtleneck? Hello!
Look at the guy in the red. I think YellowTurtle just farted.
I think the guy in the red is fartING.
The jersey smelled like a corpse farted.
We are a bad team, with idiot fans. We wish we had a team like the real Chicago ball club to the south. Looks like we are playing the Asstrohs again tonight. Wow! What a tough team to play. Nice McGriff jersey, typical Cub fan. The Sox will win the series this year. Konerko will get MVP and the Cy Young will go to either Buerhle or Garland. Iguchi might even win the batting title. Hermanson, Dye, Paulie, the whole starting staff…this team is just full of all stars. You guys can’t admit that the Sox are the class of MLB beacuse you don’t know any better. Buerhle will be the next 300 game winner, and Garland has a shot too, thanks for him by the way. Gold Gloves around the field for us too. The Sox have the Cubs beat at every position, deal with it.
Wasn’t it great when I was overrun by loud, knowledgeable baseball people, known as Sox fans.
When is the obnoxious White Sox fan filter getting installed? Seriously….We couldn’t give two craps about your team; please stop obsessing about ours.
the Sox fans are a welcome dose of “it could be worse, i could be as dumb as one of these guys”. Kind of puts things in perspective.
Yikes.
Mute.
Even with their team off to a ridiculously drunken-like hot start, can STILL manage to uphold their revealing stereotype that they all possess this weird and generally unhealthy obsession about All Things Cub.
Hey Papis! Can somebody explain me how to get my own avitar. I want to create de profile and start poll on de message board. I make crazy jokes!
