Pitching matchups:
COL: Joe Kennedy, 3-4, 6.56 ERA
Cubs: Mark Prior, 4-1, 2.95 ERA
Lineups
Rockies
Desi Relaford, ss
Luis Gonzalez, 2b (the one who’s not on steroids)
Todd Helton, 1b (Wayne Hagin thinks Todd is, though)
Preston Wilson, cf
Brad Hawpe, rf (who?)
Matt Holliday, lf (who?)
Garrett Atkins, 3b (who?)
JD Closser, c (who? — is there an owl in here?)
Joe Kennedy, p
Cubs
Hairston the Lesser, 2b
Neifi!, ss
Derrek Lee, 1b
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Jason Dubois, lf
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Corey Patterson, cf
Hank White, c
The Franchise, p
The Cubs lineup is their infield, then their outfield, then their battery. How cute.
And Corey’s batting seventh not in his happy, comfy, sixth spot.
14 MPH out to center
The rockies have something the Cubs don’t have: a Closser
How many of us do you think there will be?
Please enlighten me as to what I am.
So, will a lineup with us 1 and 2 ever happen?
I am the Rockies catcher today! and I know the Cubs don’t have me because they are looking for Danny Graves.
Well, the bench looks pretty good today.
Have I actually been hitting in my pinch hitting spots?
Hey, nice picture of the Big Z cursing and yelling at a little kid instead of the bad news bears.
Also a nice picture of the francise and hank instead of Cor-E-8
Ahh, J.D. Closser. I remember writing a column about him in June of 1998. I had the plum assignment of covering an exhibition game between the South Bend Silverhawks and the Diamondbacks, who rode into town via bus on the heels of a 3-game series at Wrigley. Yeah, they didn’t have the happy to be there look, but I had my angle:
18-year-old who had just led his team to the IHSAA Class AA state title the weekend before, signed his pro contract with the Diamondbacks, then suited up with the major league club for this exhibition game. He was supposed to catch the final four innings, but he pinch-ran for Matt Williams in the top of the fifth, and rain washed the game away. Ah, but J.D. will always have that night at Coveleski Stadium. Or something.
You have been doing awesome, Macias. That’s way you’re gonna be my man I go to in RBI PH situations, dude.
That’s when Van Halen was good
My voice sucks.
carlos zambrano’s new picture at the top is saying to the van halen cover:
if you continue to smoke, I’LL KEEL YOU!
What is the “On-field delay?”
Oh…so that’s why you’re so bad Joe.
Patience at the plate, yay!
#1
2 outs.
Hairston II — 2 pitches
Neifi! — 1 pitch
I got robbed off a double by the ump, but I did take a walk. Whoo!
Don’t worry. I’ll make sure Lee doesn’t go anywhere.
In your face, bitch! I walked.
Am I as wild as GameDay suggests, or am I just missing?
I walked! Too bad Jerry and Neifi are retarded, so we have 2 outs.
Quit clogging the bases, dudes.
Who are these imposters who call themselves Cubs???
Even I took a pitch, not that I got any runs in. But it’s progress!
we know for sure Dusty and the players read Desipio
Or Ivychat.
pitches for Kennedy in the 1st
Ok, there. We tried it, and it didn’t work. Swing away, boys!
Sorry. I mean, swing away, dudes!
The dreaded lead off walk.
Two can play at that game.
Brenly just referred to me as Todd Walker. At least he hasn’t called anyone Scotty yet today.
I’m doing my Joe Kennedy impression.
That’s better than bases loaded, 2 outs, huh?
Mark, does that mean you’re pretending to be a rich, old bootlegger whose sons grow up to hold high political office and are then assassinated?
I’m hiding in the dugout.
You have a better chance of winning the lottery and getting struck by lightning. On the same day.
Remember me? A strike must be down the middle, hitters love me.
You mean “non-Cubs hitters” love you, Rob.
Hopefully we are paying attention to how this ump loves walks.
Here I come…
Still hiding…
The way things are going, I’ll be doing my Ted Kennedy impersonation this afternoon
There I am.
Is Prior missing by that much, or is it Rob Drake’s 3-inch strike zone that is the problem here?
Struck out on the most ridiculous looking swing ever.
Dude, I’m hoping to get back to Sacramento and go fishing with my son this weekend. The only way it happens is if I can get canned.
Who’s Adam?
Take that, Rob Drake, you mouth breathing ass
Only gave up 1 run.
Whoops. I have no idea why I thought that was his name.
36 pitch inning! Beat that, Joe.
Wow, Corey struck out. Didn’t see that one coming.
This is so much fuckng fun, I have zip it dee do da coming out of my asshole.
Don’t worry, the rain’s on the way!
This is why Prior has such man love for me.
That was me they just showed on TV. WHEEEEEE!!!! CUBS ARE GOING TO COME BACK!!!
Is that George Harrison or Harrison Ford?
I’m not sure Ron…
A run!
I’m back, baby!
I love that first pitch. I just love it! I believe the results speak for themselves.
Okay, season REALLY over now.
Say hello to your newest starting pitcher!
Over.
Time to get your walks on now Rockies!!!
FUCK!
NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
What happened to Prior?
Wha happened?
Can someone fill me in on what happened…I’m watching Gamecast…
I got hit in the arm with a line drive and writhed on the ground for two minutes before finally leaving the game.
My right arm, too.
Pitching arm?
Oh F@#$.
Jump, might as well Jump!
Man, that was a great show. Where’s our black Randolph Mantooth, maybe he can fix Prior’s elbow, stat!
LOL….ya gotta laugh, because we are surely the sorriest, most cursed franchise in history. As if everyone wasn’t ready to write the obit for 2005 already, um….yep. I think we can now say it’s over.
Be a seller, Hendry,
Should I come out of retirement?
I have a welt on my elbow the size of a fist, I betcha’ I broke it.
I bet Mark’s arm feels like my groin did when took one step out of the batters box and went down writhing in pain.
Mark Prior got hit with a line drive just above his right elbow, spun around, fell to the ground & writhed in agony for a few seconds. He was then removed from the game.
That was a highlight reel play by Ramirez! What a great catch by Aramis! He’s so great! The Cubs are so great! I luv Dusty!
Oh, and tough break, Mark
piss on the fire, boys. It’s over
I need a new home guys
Looks like you should have signed me!!!
We’ll lose this game, too.
Wait I need new groin as well.
You don’t know how much I wish I COULD root for another team. I just can’t…
I blame this on The Drake. Gotta hate The Drake.
Swinging at a 3-1 pitch for a grounder to Helton.
Wheee!
Did it hit him on bone or on muscle? Did it look like a sure break?
It’s no so bad, it’s not like he was using the computer when it happened. Right???
That may be a fractured ulna…….I’m afraid you forefit.
Bad news, while Zambrano was sitting in the dugout, an anvil fell on his head. You know, I hate all that curse bullshit, but sometimes you just have to wonder how all this crap can happen to one team.
What are you guys worried about? I can pitch, I can hit…I can do it all!
Easy as that fuckers!!!!!!!!!!!1
Apparently I’m a base stealing threat too…
There was a huge welt on my arm. It’s probably a break.
Yes, this team has horrible fundamentals and approach, but they have to be cursed at least a little.
Error! Maybe these scrubs CAN score this inning?
I can WHEEL!
I’ll be the Franchise til Mark returns.
What a cheap shot by Hawpe. That pussy can count on a line drive off his elbow before the series is over.
I can wheel!!!!
Error #2! We apparently feel real bad about taking out Prior and are trying to make up for it.
You do realize that you dopes won’t see me again until July, right?
don’t worry about us. two more months of this and we’re ready for retirement!
We’re the cubs…we have no clue what you look like Lady Luck
That’s OK, they won’t see me until July 2006!
You mean, I’M not Lady Luck? :(
Stop being such a pussy, Mark. Get yer ass back out there.
No, Rally Carp, you’re more like Lady F—
Hey, Kerrie. At least we know WHY Prior is injured
Ew, you’re gross. No way. Where’s Meat Tray?
Wow, if Burney can just get on….I can get up again in the same inning and ths time make the last out
Well, we could think of this mess this way:
At least we won’t have to worry about Prior’s pitch count today.
according to gamecast, burnitz just flew out to the 2nd row in the bleachers
Look on the bright side Corey…it’s a good chance we would’ve made another error and let you get on base, anyway.
Flew out right at the wall…thought it was going in the basket, but no.
Hey Rally Carp…how u doin??
Was a slick double play.
I thought I had bad luck!
Mark Prior: Where’s the bottom part of my arm?
Doc: Ahhh???? Don’t worry Mark there will surely be a surgery or disease named after you due to this situation.
Big Z: Pussy!!! (Click, Click)
Gray Beard: Hey Dusty can you undo the recliner for me!!
Dusty: Dude!!! I am busy stroking the Mr. Pole.
Mark: Ahh guys my arm????
Doc: Prior arm reattchment…how’s that name?
Big Z: You all are pussies!!!
bringa me into the pitch
Don’t I have great game descriptions?
Last Play: J. Kennedy unknown into double play first to shortstop to second, J.D. Closser out at second
Spelling my name is an I-E on the end is such a clever way of calling me a pussy. Since, you know, there are no women who spell their name K-E-R-R-Y.
Mine says “Joe Kennedy ground bunts into double play”
Kennedy bunted, Derrek Lee threw to Neifi or Jerry for the out, and then they threw back to me in time to get Kennedy at first.
I say it was Lee to Neifi to Jerry…
Weren’t Corey and Hank paying attention? Work the count!
huh?
Prior’s injury is Andy’s fault. Take a look at the pic for Desipio Cubs Live!
I’d rather not pay attention. I’ve always prefered not to pay attention. But if that’s what they want me to do, I guess I’ll do it.
10 out of 10 Centerfielders don’t pay attention….and I’m one of them….
I reported that Prior is out for the season with a broken bone.
Prior was only taken out as a precautionary measure.
Which probably means he’ll miss a couple of starts.
my word of the day…”Fracture”
my word of the day…”cat.”
Hey Todd, way to pick up Mark!!
Wish I could do that….
Wow….is that really the Cubs line score? Something doesn’t seem right….
Good, now we can blame the entire season on injuries, and I don’t have to make any moves, or fire anyone. This injruy helps my stupid ass in so many ways, Aramis…pass me some stuffed french toast, it’s time to celebrate.
Good thing Dusty had Neifi bunt back in the 4th. They guy can’t hit.
We’re back in the race, baby!
(in a french accent)
Monsieur Hendry…would you like a wafer-thin mint?
M.V.P…bitches!
We’re going to the Big House and taking the Big Blue down, baby!
Back to Back Jacks
I think this is the baseball equivalent of Gallow’s Humor
Derrek Lee with a HR, making it 8-1.
The REAL MVP
Where’s that lottery ticket?
*cough*
Did you remember to buy your lottery ticket? I’d stay indoors if it starts to look cloudy outside as well.
Bur”shitz” could use me
I wonder what I am?
Desipio Lackwits like me cuz I’m white but really, I couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bag of rice.
Yes, that was me talking about “Jair-O-Me.” Only I could be that moranic.
Desipio is a racist site, dude. Can’t have no white guys in the lineup looking cool, bro.
Walker – W
Nomar – W
Fox – W*
Zambrano – L
Wood – L
Prior – TBA
The Cubs also won the game when Barrett hurt his shoulder for a couple games.
You goddam right Desipio is full of white racist honky fuck wads, you black-hating KKK bastards, fuck you goddamit! I’d have been an all-star for the Cubs if the town didn’t bring me down so bad with all the racism, Holmes.
Now I need to go spritz my gheri curls.
FYC!
Oh wait, i really DO suck
Thanks, RIGFAMPBI.
Interesting…
I chose to do that.
10 Solo Blasts for Korey.
Sounds like the Rally Fisch is not in the Patterson abode for conjugals.
Darren Baker still spreads me all over the bathroom walls.
Damned if Corey didn’t look a lot like a lefthanded Gladiator when he smoked that solo shot to make it a 9-1 game.
Perhaps in rebuttal to FYC we go with YSK.
You Suck Korey!
Even if it doesn’t matter.
Man, why’s Dusty always pickin’ on me, man? The Dude abides. I don’t even show up to his press conferences anymore, man, and he’s STILL makin’ me his whipping boy, blamin’ me for every question he doesn’t like…
I think I’m gonna drink a white russian and smoke some hash, if I can pry that little Darren brat off my leg.
This game is so 2004-ish. A pitcher gets hurt and we’ll score 9 today… And then take the next five games to get to 9 runs combined.
Even I can’t blow this lead..
In the last 10 games, Patterson is hitting .370 and slugging .630.
You speak the truth BC
What’s RIGFAMPBI?
But I still lead the team in strikeouts, I got my 40th today.
Delino, that wasn’t anything racist…..That was your batting line for most of your games.
BTW, that’s almost 1 out of every 5 times I get to swing the bat…
I just showed a chick in a low cut top with a tatoo on her left titty.
No one hits more useless homers than I do!!!
Record
In
Games
Featuring
A
Major
Player
Being
Injured…is what I am.
Dady, I did the bad boom-boom again. It’s messy.
Really, buddy? I hit a lot of useless ones.
So, what’s the asterisk next to Fox?
Did you guys hear me make a funny? I just called Len Kasper “Lynn”
Is Fox really a major league player?
I drove myself to Northwestern Memorial for precautionary x-rays.
You all are welcome for my awesome productio today.
I like to pop hanging curves up to shallow left.
My o-fer remains intact. Damn skippy
Hey, is that the same guy ranting about Burnitz?
Plop, squish, poop, fart, plop, sloosh, fart.
I just decided I wasn’t going to share the #1 slot in home runs with one-dimensional hacks like Glaus and Dunn. It’s all mine.
Yeah, Dusty finally trusts me again….even with a 7 run lead! Yeah, yeah, yeah….he’s the best!!
Muhahahaha bitches!
I get to pitch the ninth! Wheee!!!!!!! A bit of a comedown from my former role as closer, to new role as mop-up man. Hey Delino, I think it’s a racist thing, homey. You know I’m the only brutha on the Cubs’ pitching staff. Call Johnny Cochran’s gravedigger, we have work to do here.
Finally, a situation i can handle.
If the point to get Hawkins some confidence (which would be nice, if he’s going to be on the team for a while) having him pitch in a blowout seems like a good idea. Some people will piss and moan about anything.
I AM THE BLACK JESUS!
Damn!I wish I Was Your Lover
We’re the ones booing Hawkins with a 7 run lead.
Good win, other than the terrible pitch selection by Henry that caused Prior to get his arm blown off.
We boo everyone yo. Especially Sophie B. Hawkins, she ain’t had a hit in years.
What is a Hilljack?
Are they anything like Applejacks? YUM!
hey mark, if you can drive to the hospital , you can pitch
Mr. Prior – Hey honey, can you get me a beer? Mrs. Prior – Whatta ya got a broken arm?
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Poop, squish, plop, fart, poop, squish.
You’ll never get me LaWanda
get someone up, latroy is up to his old tricks again
;-(
Put me in coach
A nice ninth inning for latroy: 2 hits, 1 BB, 24 pitches
Good thing I didn’t pitch today so they can save me for the ninth tomorrow
Don’t boo Jeff Gordon or my boy LaTroy,dudes.If you hurt their feelings,they won’t come back, dudes.
i’m disapointed. we’ll clog the bases better, tomorrow.
I’m soooo happy for y’all!!
the little bears won today in wrigley stadium! wheeeeee!
I luv my chevy.
Well I guess it’s a win today? Even though the Cubs probably lost The Franchise to a broken arem or elbow. Whatever it is, I’m sure he’ll be lost for the year.
Stuff like this happens as a result of waiting for something bad to happen so you have excuses to why the season went down the drain! That’s how to sum up the thinking of the management of this organization.
Another thing that I’m sick to death of is guys like Hawkins and Remlinger. These two fucks are taking up around 10 million in payroll for their services. Hawkins can’t even pitch well in clean up duty and Remlinger has to make up an injury so he stays on the team. We’re using guys like Wuertz, Wellemeyer, Mitre, Bartosch, and Ohman for practically the same cost as those other two stoogies. Why can’t management get it in their head to not waste so much cash on a worthless bullpen. You might as well take your chances on cheap young guys.
One would hope the Cubs can win this series this weekend. Don’t count your blessings too soon with this team. It will be tough to pull it off and not split as sad as that is to say. But with these assclowns, losing is in their blood.
FDF=Fuck Dusty Forever
Baker Basher
Cubs win the super bowl in wrigley stadium.
This victory today is passionatly for ME and for my friends and for those who love the cubs.
I get in the car and the display on the XM says Cubs 9, Rockies 1. I’m happy. I hear that Will Ohman is pitching and figure, hey Dusty was smart enough to take Prior out early with a big lead.
Then Pat says that there will be a press conference after the game to discuss Prior’s diagnosis.
I steer the car off the road into the water and Mary Joe starts to drown.
I swim to the surface leaving her behind, while salvaging the XM. I continue to listen and for TWO FULL INNINGS, Pat gives a complete scoring recap, they do the frickin’ attendance game, and he will not explain what happened to Prior.
Finally, in the postgame, Kaplan said what happened.
I don’t care if it’s Pat’s birthday or not, he deserves a wedgie for that.
As for Prior’s arm, the fact there was a big welt could be a good thing. When I was a kid, my friend fell out of a tree we were climbing. He landed on his arm and it hurt, but it didn’t swell up or anything. So we didn’t tell my mom. A couple hours later and his arm still hurts but no big swelling.
A couple hours later, his arm looks like it would fit on Rosie O’Donnell.
A couple hours after that he’s in traction with a pin holding his arm together. Oops.
I saw the Longest Yard remake.
I’m now dead.
Take that Sandler you asshole.
Good news! Mark O’Neal says his bone’s not broken…
…
..
but they’re going to do an MRI.
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Andy, did you kick your friend’s ass? That’s what I would do. It sounds like he needed a beatdown.
I’m sure you can figure it out.
How do you think he fell out of the tree?
Bad news – Slight fracture could be done for the year.
Seriously, what did I do in a past life to deserve this…a slight fracture, and that’s good news? Shit, talk about all that bad karma bullshit. Hopefully, my freak injuries are all out of the way and I can come back next season healthy and ready to dominate from the get go.