When last we heard from our ranking hero Phil Rogers he was trying to understand the Spinx that is Chad Billingsley, he was rewarding the Mets scrappy start by moving them down the rankings, and he wanted to rank the plucky Indians higher, but the feces throwing monkeys who rank the teams would not listen to him.
This week, Phil has a shocking number of one sentence (i.e. mailed in without any effort or thought) entries. Apparently he caught some sort of sportswriting STD from Rick Telander.
Cubs functionally illiterate manager Dale Sveum has narrowed his 25 man roster down to 28 or so (nobody’s sure how high Dale can count), and it’s a sight to behold. An outfield of four washed up guys and the plodding Joe Mather, an infield that’s only three-fourths short on Major League quality talent, a catching corps that has the best one on a bus to Iowa, and a pitching staff so thin, that not only did Jeff Samardzjia make the rotation, but they’re actually going to miss him in the bullpen.
Sports Illustrated doesn’t think the Cubs can win 70 games this year. I’m not sure they can win twelve.
Now how could trading a player who makes the league minimum help the Cubs cut costs you ask? Well, when the player is Tyler Colvin, the savings on the team dental plan alone has to be in the tens of millions.
And so, the Cubs traded him and his lofty stat line last year .150/.204/.306 with 58 K’s to 14 walks along with oddly misshapen infielder DJ LaMehieu to the Rockies for a third baseman who put up stats nearly as terrible as Colvin’s and a pitcher who can’t throw a strike.
Now that the deal is official, Cubs fans can get as giddy about their favorite team hiring a real talent to run their baseball operations as they’d like. Make no mistake, that hiring Theo Epstein away from the Red Sox will finally enable the Cubs to start using all of the sizable advantages they have over almost every other team in the National League.
After Carlos Silva endeared himself to his teammates by starting a slap fight in the dugout yesterday, the Cubs had a team meeting this morning led by our most beloved cue ball, Mike Quade.
Nobody’s quite sure what Quade told the guys, but I’m sure it started with him throwing the bats into the shower and ended with Pat Listach saying, “It’s a miracle.”
Is it a bad sign when two weeks into spring training, players are fighting, the team can’t field a batted ball and it’s more fun to watch TV replays of Cardinals pitchers limping off the field than watching the Cubs play on it?
What do you think?
Quade airing out the team the first week of Spring Training games is fine. Chances are he wasn’t even all that mad yet. But not to be outdone, after that meeting, the Cubs players–led by Marlon Byrd and Carlos Pena–had their own team meeting. For his part, Byrd stayed positive. He told the troops not to get their heads down, that it’s early and these games don’t mean anything.
Pena took a different tact. He wept openly, lamented that because he hit .196 last year he was “stuck on this shitty team with you losers” and tried to kill himself by jabbing a broken bat handle into his chest. Tyler Colvin told him he was doing it wrong, and had Wellington Castillo throw one at him. Then Ryan Dempster handed Starlin Castro a can of peanuts and when Starlin opened it, a big foam snake popped out of it. The guys had a nice, hearty laugh over all of it, and then went out and lost to the A’s.
Then Castro took a poop through the sunroof of Dempster’s car.
Oh, what lovable scamps these Cubs are!
It’s way too early to draw conclusions. So what if the Cubs have made 14 errors in five games? Really, what does any of it mean?
[Other than that the team is still a dysfunctional crapfest and maybe the most fundamentally unsound team in the Cubs long, unmatched history of ineptitude.]
It’s not like the team has holes all over the field or anything. They certainly don’t have defensive suckholes in left, short and second. It’s not like they have a 245 pound centerfielder, or nobody to bat leadoff or third. They certainly don’t have a list the length of your arm of mediocre (or worse) candidates to be the fourth and fifth starters.
I swear that if the Bulls don’t get through the second round of the playoffs and the NFL lockout rolls into the fall, I think I might have to find a new hobby. Like maybe philately or starting to read books without pictures.
Can’t the Cubs wait until at least May to fill me with disgust?