It took all of about 180 seconds yesterday for Joe Maddon to do two things…get about a tenth of the way through his press conference preamble, and for the world to see his appeal. If you could just hire any competent manager and hand him the Cubs roster and they’d win, that’d be great. But over the past 107 years they’d have like four of those, and none of them could pull it off. It’s going to take somebody who is a great manager, and a little nuts.
Hello, Joe. We’ve been waiting.
So, on Saturday, the Phillies fired folksy old Charlie Manuel and replaced him as manager with Ryne Sandberg. Cubs fans had three reactions:
- That’s nice for Ryne.
- Who gives a shit?
- THE CUBS ARE SO STUPIDS! WHY DIDN’T THEY HIRE RYAN SANDBURG TO MANAGE THE TEAM, HE’D MAKE STARLIN CASTRO MAKE NO ERRORS OR ELSE!
Two of our favorite deep thinkers, Chicago Tribune national baseball writer Phil Rogers and erstwhile Cubs blogger dumbshit Al Yellon both wrote predictably vapid hot takes on the subject.
Let’s hit the highlights:
When Dale Sveum wrote out his intersquad lineup and had Alfonso Soriano listed as his leadoff hitter, I was impressed. I had no idea Sveum could spell anything with more than one syllable. When he did it again for the Cacti League opener, I was intrigued. When I found out Phil Rogers had written about it, I was entranced. Surely Phil would have a take on this that would be fittingly dumb and hilarious.
You remember, because nobody could ever forget, that last year, Al Yellon had a sitdown with Cubs “owner” Tom Ricketts, where he asked Tom 100 questions, and 94 of them were “Who owns the Cubs?” After a thorough grilling like that it’s no wonder that Ricketts and Al sat down again. Let’s take a look at what they covered–mostly so we can see how many ways Al can ask, “Who does Theo report to?”
Life is tough these days for Ryne Sandberg. Sure, he’s still sitting on a pile of millions of dollars from his playing career, he make can thousands more whenever he wants just by virtue of the fact he gets to sign “HOF” next to his autograph (that does not stand for House of FrenchFries, though that seems like an awesome idea for a restaurant chain). He’s a Hall of Famer, a baseball legend, and, by all accounts one of the really nice people you’re ever going to meet.