Just when everything seemed to be going so well. The Cubs offseason had included getting the best manager in the game, bringing back Hank White, adding Dave Martinez to the coaching staff, and making an ambitious run at Jon Lester. Hey, they’d even seen the Blue Jays bail them out of what would have been an onerous contract for squatty little Russell Martin.
All of that is now drowned out by the thud that is the return of Ryan Dempster, Fart Joke Teller Extraordinare. Canada’s worst export since Nickelback, Dempster left the Cubs a three glorious years ago when his trade deadline hostage crisis finally ended with him being shipped off to the Rangers. We detailed that saga here, and it no doubt will be featured in season two of the Serial Podcast.
Now that the 90th greatest Cub of all-time is off to Texas, look at the hilarity we are missing:
I love MLB Network, but if someone would invent a Kevin Millar filter that would change the channel whenever he’s about to come on, they’d make a billion dollars.
Ryan Dempster, Cubs pitcher 2004-2012
I said all along that all I wanted to do was help the Cubs, and if I could help them by being traded to a contender for some supergreat prospects, then I was happy to do it. Theo [Epstein, Cubs President of Baseball Operations] and the little guy who works for him [Cubs General Manager Jed Hoyer] asked me to make a list of teams I’d be willing to waive my 10 and 5 no trade rights to go play for. So I did.
He did make us a list. It was about six feet long, written in crayon and on toilet paper. To be honest, I don’t even know how you can write on toilet paper with crayon.
It was hilarious. And it took me like 17 hours.
Twitter is a pretty great place, and these are the salad days.
In the past three days I’ve gotten into a Twitter argument with my old nemesis @jacquejones11 (here), I predicted to the second when Chip Caray (@kapaya1234 – here) would Twitter ban me, and just a few minutes ago, the aggrieved party in the “Ryan Dempster doesn’t want to go to Atlanta because he wants to live in Ted Lilly’s guest house in LA–even though we all know that’s where Ted keeps the bodies” thing, Braves pitcher Randall Delgado took to Twitter to first post a confusing tweet about the trade “Nothing happened Abt go to Chicago.” (Apparently he meant nothing happened about him going to Chicago. Then to clear it up, he posted maybe the greatest five word tweet of all time.
“They don’t did a trade.”
Hello again, everybody, it’s your old friend Harry Caray here to talk to you about a really important subject…drinking Budweiser!
Nah, just kidding, it’s your old pal Demps. How’s it going? Had you going there didn’t I? I don’t like to brag, but that Harry Caray impression…is spot…on. Tim McCarver even told me so. And nobody is a bigger expert on the subject than Hall of Fame broadcaster Tim McCarver.
So what have you guys been up to lately? Read any good tweets? Seriously, aren’t sports writers the worst?
Let me clear the air on something that’s really lingering out there and clouding things up.