Pitchers:
Cubs: The Franchise, 0-1, 4.66
Houston: Roger Clettitte, 9-0, 2.08
Cubs Live!: Cubs at Houston Astros, 7 p.m., CDT
Jun 14, 2004 | Andy | 251 comments
251 Comments
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OMG I’m playing tonight!
I promise not to put on Mark Prior’s jersey and pitch for him this time.
Heh. Fire up the scrub-o-meter, I’m back!
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/scorecard/mlbnews.asp?articleID=103871
I’m hitting 2nd. Why use Ordonez against the only pitcher he can actually hit, right?
Cubs:
Todd Walker, 2b
Ramon Martinez, ss
Moises Alou, lf
E-ramis Ramirez, 3b
Todd Hollandsworth, rf
Derrek Lee, 1b
Corey Patterson, cf
Gabor Bako, c
The Franchise, p
Astros
The Beege, cf
Adam Everett’s ears, ss
Fat Lance, lf
Jeff Pornstache, 2b
Jeff Bagwell, 1b
Jose Vizcaino, 3b
Jason Lane, rf
Brad Ausmus, c
Roger Clettitte, p
My fat stomach allows me to strike people out. They pay attention to it not he ball.
I’ll be getting two starts this series. Houston, you’ve got a problem! Wow, that was so Kaseberg of me.
Didn’t you get the memo! I’m a physical specimen!
I said, "Biggio is on his horse." I wish he was on MY horse.
Roger,
You didn’t get this memo you’re fat
Signed,
Your Doctor
**** you, Beege, and the horse you rode in on.
K.
I have a noticeable erection for Adam Everett, don’t we?
Did you see that play?
I’ll run for Everett. The pansy.
We just saw that incredible catch. 25 mil a year for Ramon Martinez how about it?
I said that #13 because you’re like a cross at shortstop of Alex Cora and Tippy Martinez!
I wanna play
Why do Steve and Chip think it’s a "terrible" thing that an opponent is hurt? I’m not saying you have to come out and gloat over it. Just be quiet.
One down, 24 to go, as far as I’m concerned.
Oh, and if you ask Fat Lance, he’ll tell you that The Franchise has some serious **** tonight.
Prior’s got nuthin!
K K K
Oops.
Serious Gas? Oh wait thats Pat hughes
I censored myself instead of typing shit. But apparently, if you type the asterisks, it leaves them out.
Serious gas, serious s***, it’s all the same to me.
Either way, you need to change your shorts.
I blame Dolan for my censorship!!
This is just too easy.
Chip: "When Pettitte signed with Houston, Clemens wanted to come along for the ride."
And I’m just going to say this once tonight. Fat Roger NEVER RETIRED! How can you retire if you play in the last game of the 2004 season and then show up for spring training?
We still exist!
I just said, "fist city!" You can tell the Beege and I are in the same city this week. ;)
Screw you Cletitte
"Clemens has tremendous stuff."
WHACK!
Lee doubles off the wall.
"Corey is pretty hot."
Just because you got married doesn’t mean those rumors will go away, Stevie.
Wheeee
2 OUT MAGIC FOR DERREK LEE! But none for Corey.
K
K
Who is even available to pitch for the Cubs?
Prior’s losing it. Ausmus actually put it in play.
How long before Chip and Steve start worrying that Prior’s striking out too many guys?
I’m available to walk a guy or two if needed. But if I’m not gonna pitch let me know, so I can start drinking now.
The only thing I’m worried is the Beege. He’s Babe Ruth of modern baseball.
Wheee! Go hubby!
Michael Milken is in the booth? Is he selling some bonds to Chip?
Oh my god
I’m held together by tape
I am the first Commish, ever, to say "Digital rectal."
Milken: "It’s a simple test, just digital rectal."
Chip: "Oooh, easy on the sweet talk!"
Screw you Roger
Now if only Ramon wasn’t hitting next, with two outs.
Did Steve say, "I’ve been tested several times. Today."??
Clemens better watch it
My former employer!
Holy crap! Where is my Cub Scrub thingy??
Rbi single
Dees ees why I started!
1-0 Cubs.
Millken is not a crook.
Oh no, I jinxed my Roger!
Somebody post a pic of shirtless Pettitte to get him back on track.
I’m in da’ house!
![]("http://sacredheritage.com/normita/images/sloth-3.jpg"/)
Bo Shuda
I’m here for a Roger Clemens..
One run? That’s enough.
Does Steve really think other teams’ fans actually like Roger?
Seriously?
Doesn’t everybody hate that fat bastard?
I like him
R. Clettitte looks kinda like Reuschel.
Paul Reuschel.
I sure don’t wanna face the Franchise
Hey Sloth, have you started stalking the Olsens yet?
Somebody shut Chip up.
Here I come!
We’re here to arrest a one Chip Caray and his eyebrows.
We mean "eyebrow."
It’ll be eyebrowless when I’m done
The olsen twins were so 3 years ago
Hello Clettite
im so this year
I likey Uh-RAM-is.
I suck
Hey, this whole June hitting thing is really working out well.
It’s the hill, okay?! Beegey rocks!
Base Hit
Hahahaha, the 1 out magic to up to me!
Don’t worry boys, I’ll pick the RBI’s up!
If I give up a hit to Bako, I’m retiring right now.
I mean, I’m retiring…until my next start.
Anybody else notice that in Chip and Steve’s discussion of potential NL starting pitchers in the All-Star game, neither guy mentioned a Cub?
It’s not like Zambrano or Clement would deserve it, eh?
Guh.
I’m retiring until my next scheduled start.
Gotta stock up on Krispy Kremes.
Roger, you give up a hit to him, and I’ll retire you.
I’m a Cubs farm hand now
looks really nervous about Corey
Bako struck out? Who saw that coming? Why is he batting ahead of Prior?
Clettitte’s a nut. Why be nervous with me and Prior up next?
Well Paul because unlike you I can actually hit the ball
I meant Gabor
Chip is such a moron. Unless standing my fat ass at first is more exhausting than sitting my fat ass on the bench, how exactly would my "base running" be a factor in my pitching this inning?
Gabor Bako. What an abomination. Even the friggin pitcher can hit a fly ball, but our Gabor?
And what about Baker the moron? Your two fastest guys on base, 1st and 3rd, 1 out. You know Bako is a worthless POS. Why the hell don’t you do a safety squeeze? Huh?? Run gets in–a valuable run against a quality pitcher like Fat Roger, and you know Prior won’t go the distance. Plus, you’d have Corey on 2nd so if Prior gets lucky with a hit, you bring in yet another.
But oh no, Johnnie B. lets Gabor flail away as always. It is so frustrating.
Why the hell can’t we go get a backup catcher that can hit major league pitching, like Toby Hall from Tampa or Kelly Stinnett from KC? Crap, how about the rotting corpse of Barry Foote, I don’t care, anyone but Gabor.
You didn’t have to release me.
Gabor’s my buddy, and he stays!
"Prior has the right of last refusal."
Is that like the right of first refusal?
Shut up, you hillbilly Astro fans.
I have no range.
Chip referred to me. Big shock.
I f***ing hate Steve. First he says Pujols should win a gold glove at first, then he says that Jeff Kent will some day.
Hey, I’m just gonna keep winning ’em, you dwarf has been!
When does batting practice end?
I brought my hitting shoes tonight
Lee and Walker, the two guys that have been getting the most crap (not counting Patterson) has done their job of late. Go Cubs!!
The Cubs are doomed.
I’m not going to say anything about the bases loaded and nobody out.
You just did, ashwipe.
After Andy Clettitte’s simulated game today, we had some not-so-simulated sex. I’m tired and getting tagged.
I get the girls like Shatner, but they get scared of the ears like my bro.
Base hit
Huh?
Not so fast, we’re still a factor somewhere in this game!
Can Derek break my record of 8 consecutive hits?
Sorry guys
78
That’s the Korey I remember!
And hate…
Two runs? Normally that’s OK. But for the Cubs, it’s excellent.
(Makes tent with fingers and says "ex-cell-ent".
Hey, this is great progress, though!
Yeah I’m sorry for the fielders choice. How more RBI’s do I have then Choi now? And ow about my batting avg?
Natch.
My dream!
![]("http://www.apexdynamics.com/images/ceiling%20lift/toilet.jpg"/)
If Clettitte had made contact, I’d let him reach again, so all that baserunning would wear the old man out.
Really,WTF?
Who had 8:47 in the dumbass Chip will say "Prior has struck out too many men?" pool?
OK, who had 8 K’s before Chip and Steve started talking about Prior throwing too many strikeouts?
They’re on to you.
Obviously, someone was looking for a toilet picture to show Rajaah going down the toilet. And found a picture s/he couldn’t refuse to post. To make it barely relevant, they added the Chip / bizzare sexual reference.
Get it?
It still makes no sense. But it’s less scary than Roger and Debbie’s "hot couple" pic.
Man, old Roger must hate me!
I kill Roger Clettite
Well, kind of.
![]("http://www.plokta.com/plokta/issue21/rocket.jpg"/)
Is that Eddie Van Halen on the right?
What to do with Grudz?
The bullpen is coming…duhn duhn duhn!
I rival the Clettie gut
…from the Cubs’ pen.
Prior’s at 90. He’s done after this inning.
First off, yes, that is Eddie Van Halen. Spooky.
Second, I’ve been wondering this since I saw the movie "Stuck on You" with Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear…the Farrelly Brothers are Red Sox fans and made this movie. Is there any coincidence that the retarded guy in the movie is named Rocket?
Third, there’s no lead big enough for Jimmy Anderson.
Is that per inning?
"The hill needs to go!"
(For the 4th time)
Jimmy’s coming IN!
And yes, I know Roger played Skidmark in "Kingpin." Let’s just say that after that movie…things changed between Rog and Sox fans.
Wrong. There’s no SANDWICH big enough for Anderson.
What you meant is that no LEAD is SAFE.
Did Sutcliffe notice that the hill had nothing to do with that one? Or is he still getting drunk, thinking he has to sing the seventh inning stretch again?
Hey, we didn’t even like Clettitte when he played for Boston.
I once ate most of Sandwich, Illinois.
Outs you will get, Jimmy.
There is no try, only do or do not.
Stop chewing on that it’s a walking stick not a a friggin’ chew toy.
I think Jimmy ate our cheerleaders (the Pretzels).
And the conversation returns to the Sloth!
The Wife just said the chick next to Van Halen looks like an AO Pi Sorority Sister from UCSD!
Miss me?
Hello again, America! It’s your old pal Karry Ling, down here on the field at Minute Maid Park. I just want to report that with the arrival of Jimmy Anderson to the pitchers’ mound, two things have happened.
1) There is a fight at the Astros bat rack.
2) The mound is beginning to sink. By the eighth inning, Jimmy will be pitching on flat ground. By the ninth, he’ll have to lob it up to get it over the lip.
Jimmy, our agreement was for two hitters, not two innings.
Kent, grounder to short.
Bagwell, grounder to short.
Vizcaino, ball, ball, wild pitch, ball.
Grab your ankles, tubby.
How about I do that?
This is the dumbest thing Chip has ever said (and that encompasses a lot).
"When you come back from a long road trip, it’s like playing another road game because you have to get used to your surroundings after being gone so long."
No, dumbass. No.
Somebody get me John McDonough’s phone number, stat!
Thanks, Jason. Could you guys just do that 9 more times for me?
Bye!
is pitching for Houston now
Nice to see that Kirk Bullinger has his big brother’s ears.
If Jimmy Anderson gets the save tonight, Desipio’s buying him a pizza.
You think I’m kidding. I’m not.
The name of the game is not "Throwing the Ball a 100 mph", which is too bad, because that’s quite catchy!
Take me out at the throwing-the-ball-100-mph, take me out to the crowd!
I like it!
throw Chip out the window
If needed, I’ll pitch tonight, with my left arm!
In the meantime, Frank and I are boxing in the clubhouse.
We just let you know who Steve Bartman is and what happened to that baseball.
Did you know they blew it up?
I might need a day off, just maybe
Do we know why Rey Ordonez changed numbers to 29? Is there a famous 13 who the Cubs have traded for?
Is it…
a) Jeff "The Troll" Fassero
b) Neil Allen
c) Rick Mirer
d) Luc Longley
Up again, and I didn’t even get to finish my snack.
Actually, at his current pace, Rey is on track to get 13 hits in 500 at bats. He’s hoping to bump it up to 29 hits in 500 at bats.
Dare to dream.
What’s up with Hidalgo’s neck? Is the bullet in it starting to ache?
i like sausage pizza….extra cheese
What are the odds that if Hidalgo had the home plate ump check the ball right now, there’d be bacon on it?
Come on Dolan, how could you miss the best Chip-ism of the weekend? In Sunday’s game, Chip informed us that the ANAHEIM Rams used to play in Angels Stadium. Really?
1. It was always the LA Rams, never anything else.
2. They played in the Colisseum.
3. Chip is a raging dumbass that knows nothing.
Please Dolan, use all your clout (!) to get this freak out of Chicago. Let him clean up after the gay bath house parties in Houston with Milo. But not on WGN anymore, please, my ears hurt.
bad pitchers freind
You might check your spelling of me
Kerry Ling here at Minute Maid park and I’m here with the Clemens kids…
Korey
Kolby
Ketchup
and Kitchenette
Kolby, what’s the best thing about having your dad playing so close to home?
Kolby: Go Yankees!
OK, Kitchenette, how about you?
Kitchenette: I like it when daddy and Andy Pettitte let me watch them massage each other in the sauna, and…
Karry: "OK, uh, back to you!"
How long til Chip and Steve start harping on MY pitch count?
Do I really matter?
No, but I bet it does to me.
Jimmy knows baseball!
168, you’re right. I started swearing at the TV yesterday when he called them the Anaheim Rams. I’m so used to there being GameCasts for these games that when there isn’t, I don’t note the worst ones.
All I remember about Chippy yesterday was the Anaheim Rams, him giving the freakin’ time every hour on the hour (and sometimes more often) and his Arby’s joke.
Jimmy knows me too
Chip: "Derrek Lee’s streak of reaching base in ten consecutive at bats ends with that ground out. He’s 2-4 tonight."
What?
Andy:
Ivychat was sooooo disappointed you didn’t take the SunTimes fodder on Chip’s Nevergreen Contract.
You’re mostly right. The LA rams played in the Anaheim stadium for 15 years. 1979-1994
I grounded into fielder’s choice last time up, so I was 2-4 but on base 3 times, so I was still on Chip’s dumb streak.
Chuck:
I got distracted by a visit from a "comedian." We’ll get to Chip tomorrow.
Promise.
D Lee reached on a fielders choice. 0-1, but reached base.
Send me some positive vibes, my first Cub homer has to come sometime!
Send me some positive vibes, my first Cub homer has to come sometime!
Andy:
I even had all three of Ivychat’s readers primed! I’M HOLDING YOU TO IT.
2026 Old Timer’s Game
What was that that Bako just did?
The Rams also played in Cleveland from ’37-’45.
But Chip said they were called the Anaheim Rams, which even my seven year old nephew knows to be false.
Hey, a walk is my version of 2 out magic.
I "put down the Marriotti" to grab a bat.
How will Jimmy Anderson fare in the eighth, now that he’s exhausted from running 45 feet towards first?
Stay tuned!
What men want is that chick in the blue sweater.
If I suck this inning, it’s because I’m exhausted from the baserunning.
Was that Cigar Chick Harry’s Sister?
Do they just hold flashlights on me when they go back to the studio?
I puke a little in my mouth every time I hear the Chipster. For Gawd’s sake, Harry has been buried for six years now bless his heart, we don’t owe any allegiance to Gay Chip anymore. Have some guts Trib and dump this moran.
Beats what Korey holds against me.
How am I doing this?
Does anybody know which hotel the Cubs stay in in Houston?
I’ll "chip" in for extra sausage.
Andy,
Are you gonna send them a gift?
How many banners do we need to click to pay for the pizza?
I believe it’s the Four Seasons on Westheimer?
Hey, if Fat Jimmy gets through the 9th, does he get the save? They always used to give a save if you pitch the last 3 innings, regardless of the score. We see that happen so rarely anymore I don’t know if it’s still true or not.
Jimmy would like the save. Jimmy needs work. Jimmy needs food.
Cub Groopie:
It’s twoo. It’s twoo!!! It’s weally twoo!!
Gone with the Schwin!
Just missed it
Well, I’ll take that, too.
F You, Chip. The cycle? Gimme one more run with Jimmy on the mound.
Got all of that one
You know things are going well when you screw up your chance at a cycle by homering.
Where’s the guy who was bitching we had him and not Tony Womack?
ok I’m ok
He’s at Comiskey. And wondering why his Cingular phone doesn’t work.
I pee on the Astros. Boom!
How sweet is it that it’s the Cubs that give Fat Roger his 1st loss? Prior with the win, he’s gaining on you Fat Boy.
Make it Deep Dish, Andy.
OK, Jimmy.
The pizza’s on us. Unbelievable.
http://houston.citysearch.com/search?topic_id=1293
http://www.fourseasons.com/houston/
Well, after two more outs, anyway.
Do it anyway
Fer chrissakes, you’d think food would motivate him.
Let me finish first, before you distract me with promises of pizza, okay?
I’m usually the one who sayst that, 220.
Jimmy says I wish I were only 220
Come on Andy,this one’s over.When’s the last time we gave up 8 runs in the 8th or 9th?
Before this ends (hopefully soon) was I dreaming when Steve went through his empassioned defense of the Cubs coaching staff a couple innings ago? It sounded like he was going to cry.
Did I dream that?
I remember!
My daddy is wearing my necklace.
If I f this up, just shoot me, please.
I have a picture of it
Holy crap am I tired!
Just hit one at somebody!
MMMMMM,pizza
Andy:
Post a copy of the receipt.
No 10-0 for you, biotch!
Pizza? Bulls broke 110?
google for jimmys pizza
It’s pizza time!
Cubs 7, Astros 2
Winning pitcher, Mark Prior 1-1
Loser: Roger Clettitte, 9-1
Save: Jimmy Anderson, 1
The pizza’s on its way, Jimbo. Nice job.
And, by the way, tonight was a very fun GameCast. So thanks to all of you who stopped by.
Methinks the Cubs are starting to put it all together.
Damn, I should’ve tried coming back when Walker was still in his 999th hit slump…
From: Papa John’s, #2142
3200 Montrose Blvd.
Houston, Texas 77066
To: Andy Dolan
1300 Lamar St.
Houston, Texas 77010
Large original, sausage and pepperoni $12.88
plus tax: $14.44
plus tip: $5.00
Total: 19.44
Special instructions: Deliver to Jimmy Anderson, 4 Seasons Hotel
Confirmation: 10:22 p.m.
Money well spent.
Go Cubs.
Thanks, Jimmy.
Actually, we put that pizza on ice. Jimmy can scarf it down when he gets back from drinking the 8 pitchers of Heineken that I’m springing for.
A $5.00 tip? Dolan’s bringing in some serious coin with everybody clicking on these ad banners.
Man, Dolan didn’t give me and the rest of the Marchelloni’s delivery crew squat back in the day. Of course, we knew he was cheap and always put a little Visine in the sauce that came with his cheese nuggets as our way of saying thanks….
I can tell Steve’s a fraud; anyone who spent time in DeKalb would be buying BEER nuggets, not cheese nuggets.
The March had beer nuggets AND cheese nuggets. If you ever had our beer nuggets, you’d understand why people preferred our cheese nuggets.
I actually preferred Pizza Villa’s nuggets to anyone else’s, even though Sgt. Peppers claimed to have invented (and perfected) them.
Lukolo’s sucked, btw. That whole Jungle stripmall blows. And Don Roth was the worst politician in DeKalb history. And Pagliai’s "all you can eat" pizza always turned into "all you can crap" just a few hours later. And the Taco Bell drivethrough window was on the passenger’s side.
Still doubting my DeKalb cred?
Ahhhh, memories.
Marchelloni’s "nuggets" were more like breadsticks, if memory serves.
Mayor Greg Sparrow was a pretty good politician, until he thought he didn’t have to show up for an election–and lost. I believe he’s since re-claimed his seat.
Lukolo’s nuggets did suck, but they did have the "gyro in a tortilla" which, in retrospect, is just gross but, at the time, was good stuff.
Burritoville. Mmmmm.
I guess the town’s changed a lot. Christ, they’ve got a Panera Bread to go along w/Blockbuster and Red Lobster. It’s like West Naperville now.
Lukolos’ nuggets were…and still are the best.
Hell, I might just drive down tonight to get some.
Mmmmm. Nuggets. Especially the combo with the cheese sauce and the pizza sauce.
?
Wow, I can’t believe you sent Jimmy Anderson a pizza. I wonder if he will get it
Dolan, if your pizza to Anderson thing works, can you have a dirt nap delivered to Gabor Bako next? A crippling fungus infection for Chip Caray would also be most appreciated.
Right here in my pants.
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