Previously on The Front Office — Cubs PR intern Brent David is intimated by his boss, Mrs. or maybe Miss Zapatos. Zapatos’ secretary, Carrie Fitch admits to being a compulsive liar. General Manager Jim Hendry tries to hide from Zapatos to avoid confessing that he hid information about the health of a Cubs’ player from her. Dusty Baker drops the word “honkey” during a press conference. Kerry Wood smashes what he thinks is Jose Macias’ Ipod.
SCENE ONE: CUBS SPRING TRAINING PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICE
Brent David is sitting in his cubicle working on some press notes for tomorrow’s first televised spring training game. Carrie Fitch is at her desk when the phone rings.
CARRIE FITCH
He’s here? Now? Why is he here? No. Do not let him up here until I’ve asked The Big Shoe. I’ll call you right back.
Fitch knocks on Linda Zapatos’ office door.
CARRIE FITCH
Flip Tocco is here to see you.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Oh, great! Send him in.
CARRIE FITCH
Great? Really?
LINDA ZAPATOS
I kind of miss the big lug.
Fitch walks back to her desk.
CARRIE FITCH (muttering)
Big lug. More like big (bleep.)
She grabs the phone and tells the receptionist at the main entrance of the building to send Berry up.
Carrie says to Brent,
CARRIE FITCH
Buckle up, Intern. The pomposity in the room is about to be jacked up to 11.
BRENT DAVID
Who’s coming?
CARRIE FITCH
Flip Tocco.
BRENT DAVID
Oh, I like him. Will I get to meet him?
CARRIE FITCH
Dare to dream, Intern.
FLIP TOCCO (loudly)
Hello again, everybody! I’m Flip Tocco, voice of your Chicago Cubs! (laughs) Oh, I’m a cad! Hey! How are you guys? Ready for another season of exciting Chicago Cubs baseball?
Flip walks over to Carrie’s desk.
FLIP TOCCO
Wait, don’t tell me! Karen! You look great.
CARRIE FITCH
Yeah, Karen. Boy you are sharp. How do you do it?
FLIP TOCCO
Little secret there, Care. I always use a person’s name three times in conversation when I meet them. Then, I can’t forget their names. This is a people business, and I’m a people person!
CARRIE FITCH
You are certainly something.
Brent walks over to Carrie’s desk and shyly introduces himself.
BRENT DAVID
Mr. Berry, sir? I’m Brent David, I’m an intern here and it’s really an honor to meet you. I watch almost every game and really like your work.
FLIP TOCCO
Dave! Nice to meet you, buddy. You know, Dave, I was an intern once, too. You know my dad works for the Mets, but that’s not how I got that job, Dave. Do you know how that job, Dave?
CARRIE FITCH (muttering)
You (bleeped) somebody’s (bleep?)
BRENT DAVID (interested)
No, how did you get it?
FLIP TOCCO
Hard work, Dave. Hard work. That’s the only way to get ahead in this business, Dave. Hard work and people skills. I pride myself on having great people skills. How are yours Dave?
BRENT DAVID
Brent.
FLIP TOCCO
Brent? I don’t follow you, Dave.
BRENT DAVID
My name is actually Brent, sir.
The door to Linda Zapatos’ office opens and she comes out.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Flip! How are you? You look great! You get more handsome and rugged every year!
FLIP TOCCO
So do you!
They hug.
FLIP TOCCO
I was just telling Dave here, how important being able to communicate and really connect with others is.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Dave who?
FLIP TOCCO
Dave, your Intern.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Oh, him? Whatever. Come on into my office, you big lug.
FLIP TOCCO
Big lug! That’s precious. I’ve missed you Lisa.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Linda.
FLIP TOCCO
Linda, who?
The door to the office closes behind them.
CARRIE FITCH
Wow, he is such a pompous (bleep bleep).
BRENT DAVID
I don’t know. He seemed kind of nice.
CARRIE FITCH
Intern! He thought your name was Dave. He didn’t even listen to a word you said. He’s a complete tool. You didn’t really mean what you said about liking his work, did you?
BRENT DAVID
He’s got a lot of energy. I like him.
CARRIE FITCH
You know who else has a lot of energy? Spider monkeys. And you know how they get rid of that energy? Do you, Intern?
BRENT DAVID
Uh…climbing trees?
CARRIE FITCH
No! They masturbate 14 times a day! Flipper there does the same thing, he just does it by mind(bleeping) himself out loud. He’s completely self-absorbed, and on top of that, he sucks as an announcer.
BRENT DAVID
Really?
CARRIE FITCH
You haven’t noticed that? I thought you said you were a big fan.
BRENT DAVID
Fourteen times a day? That’s kind of impressive. Wait, is that another one of your made up facts?
CARRIE FITCH
Made up facts?
BRENT DAVID
Like yesterday when you told Mitch that the name Jerome actually came from somebody trying to spell Jeremy?
CARRIE FITCH
I don’t make up facts, Intern. I know stuff.
I hope Kurt Russell plays me in this show. I like his style…not to mention that killer head of hair he’s got.
I can’t believe he finally read one of my e-mails!
Jizmop?!!!! That kills. I am cucrently trying to fit that in to my conversation here at work. Make that, I WILL fit that into my conversation here at work.
What is this show about? It seems like an excuse to make crude jokes. There isn’t much of a plot.
Maybe Fox will buy it?
Who the hell is Mr. Berry?
And for that I apoligize…
Originally Flip Tocco had a different name. Then, I realized it wasn’t mean enough. Must have missed one.
Write a dose about me and my pitching skillz!
That is two nights in a row Baker has used Gremlin/Neifi as his one/two punch off the bench. I am no Hairston fan (yet), but what about Dew Boyz or Hairston? Dusty is digging his grave quickly. Lefty vs. Righty Righty vs. Lefty. How about your best hitter verus a crappy reliever from Arizona? I would like those chances. Good Luck Dusty……See you in rehab!
That’s Doo-bwah.
DJ, I love it when you analyze. 2 wins in the bank, 160 to go…yes!!!
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