"Turd Throw" and other stories from the rancid NLC.

[BH]

Jose Tabata was my first round pick in our rotisserie league's Minor League draft last week.  I should have done more background work.

Just push to have the rules changed so you get MILF points.

[*In a Nutsack]

Jose Tabata's wife was questioned Tuesday on charges of taking an infant and could be charged with false imprisonment.
Amalia Tabata Pereira, 43, allegedly abducted the infant Monday afternoon and reportedly turned the child, who was safe, in to the Manatee County Sheriff's Office on Tuesday afternoon. "I was shocked to be told today that my wife has been arrested for kidnapping," Tabata said in a statement. "I am hurt, frustrated and confused by her actions. I have and will continue to cooperate with law enforcement officials in any way that I can. Until I have all of the facts, I cannot comment any further." That the 20-year-old Tabata is married to a 43-year-old is one of the oddities that has led baseball personel to question his makeup. However, this borders on the unbelievable. Plant City police Capt. Darrell Wilson indicated that Pereira has a criminal record that includes theft and fraud convictions and that police did not have a hometown for her because she has several aliases. Mar. 25 - 3:05 am et
Source: Pirates.mlb.com

Journalism sucks a high hard one these days.  What are the said aliases?  I need to know this information!

[Lance Dicksons Arm]

At this point, Jock needs to do something else with his life...

The Cincinnati Reds got down to 33 players by sending outfielders Jacque Jones and Norris Hopper and right-hander Daryl Thompson to the minors. The 33-year-old Jones signed with the Reds on Feb. 5, getting a chance to win a reserve spot. He went only 4-for-45 (.089) in spring training, and was reassigned to the minor league camp Monday.

[powen01]

At this point, Jock needs to do something else with his life...

The Cincinnati Reds got down to 33 players by sending outfielders Jacque Jones and Norris Hopper and right-hander Daryl Thompson to the minors. The 33-year-old Jones signed with the Reds on Feb. 5, getting a chance to win a reserve spot. He went only 4-for-45 (.089) in spring training, and was reassigned to the minor league camp Monday.

http://louisville.bats.milb.com/schedule/index.jsp?sid=t416

Home opener, April 9th!  SWEEEEET.  I feel sorry for the outfield grass.  It was just sitting there, looking all bluegrass state pretty, and along comes Mama Jones' baby and burns the ever-loving shit out of it with a tard strength throw to the cutoff man that only makes it about 15 feet out of his arm.  Elias Coblentz and I are going to the opener together as soon as he's done with his Schwann's delivery schedule for the day.  We're going to drink our weight in O-Doul's, and one of us, if not both of us, are going to make sweet, sweet love to Mama Jones or a reasonable facsimile of her.  I'm not picky.  I am now officially excited for the baseball season.  powen01 + Bats Baseball + Jacque Jones = BONERTIME

[MAD]

At this point, Jock needs to do something else with his life...

The Cincinnati Reds got down to 33 players by sending outfielders Jacque Jones and Norris Hopper and right-hander Daryl Thompson to the minors. The 33-year-old Jones signed with the Reds on Feb. 5, getting a chance to win a reserve spot. He went only 4-for-45 (.089) in spring training, and was reassigned to the minor league camp Monday.

http://louisville.bats.milb.com/schedule/index.jsp?sid=t416

Home opener, April 9th!  SWEEEEET.  I feel sorry for the outfield grass.  It was just sitting there, looking all bluegrass state pretty, and along comes Mama Jones' baby and burns the ever-loving shit out of it with a tard strength throw to the cutoff man that only makes it about 15 feet out of his arm.  Elias Coblentz and I are going to the opener together as soon as he's done with his Schwann's delivery schedule for the day.  We're going to drink our weight in O-Doul's, and one of us, if not both of us, are going to make sweet, sweet love to Mama Jones or a reasonable facsimile of her.  I'm not picky.  I am now officially excited for the baseball season.  powen01 + Bats Baseball + Jacque Jones = BONERTIME

This post should be gold-plated.  Yes!

[Internet Apex]

At this point, Jock needs to do something else with his life...

The Cincinnati Reds got down to 33 players by sending outfielders Jacque Jones and Norris Hopper and right-hander Daryl Thompson to the minors. The 33-year-old Jones signed with the Reds on Feb. 5, getting a chance to win a reserve spot. He went only 4-for-45 (.089) in spring training, and was reassigned to the minor league camp Monday.

http://louisville.bats.milb.com/schedule/index.jsp?sid=t416

Home opener, April 9th!  SWEEEEET.  I feel sorry for the outfield grass.  It was just sitting there, looking all bluegrass state pretty, and along comes Mama Jones' baby and burns the ever-loving shit out of it with a tard strength throw to the cutoff man that only makes it about 15 feet out of his arm.  Elias Coblentz and I are going to the opener together as soon as he's done with his Schwann's delivery schedule for the day.  We're going to drink our weight in O-Doul's, and one of us, if not both of us, are going to make sweet, sweet love to Mama Jones or a reasonable facsimile of her.  I'm not picky.  I am now officially excited for the baseball season.  powen01 + Bats Baseball + Jacque Jones = BONERTIME

This post should be gold-plated.  Yes!

AND IT COUNTS!

[Fork]

At this point, Jock needs to do something else with his life...

The Cincinnati Reds got down to 33 players by sending outfielders Jacque Jones and Norris Hopper and right-hander Daryl Thompson to the minors. The 33-year-old Jones signed with the Reds on Feb. 5, getting a chance to win a reserve spot. He went only 4-for-45 (.089) in spring training, and was reassigned to the minor league camp Monday.

http://louisville.bats.milb.com/schedule/index.jsp?sid=t416

Home opener, April 9th!  SWEEEEET.  I feel sorry for the outfield grass.  It was just sitting there, looking all bluegrass state pretty, and along comes Mama Jones' baby and burns the ever-loving shit out of it with a tard strength throw to the cutoff man that only makes it about 15 feet out of his arm.  Elias Coblentz and I are going to the opener together as soon as he's done with his Schwann's delivery schedule for the day.  We're going to drink our weight in O-Doul's, and one of us, if not both of us, are going to make sweet, sweet love to Mama Jones or a reasonable facsimile of her.  I'm not picky.  I am now officially excited for the baseball season.  powen01 + Bats Baseball + Jacque Jones = BONERTIME

This post should be gold-plated.  Yes!

AND IT COUNTS!

You been bitin' ass this morning?

[Dave B]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

[MAD]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

My head just exploded with all of the possibilities.

[Fork]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

Guess I was ahead of the curve on this one.

On a related note, Emo Boy has been filing with New York Magazine (LFork is a subscriber). His douchebaggery has actually accelerated over there.

[Indolent Reader]

I think that the fine folks at this site will have no problem calling him "Dick".  April fools?

[RV]

The top story on Deadspin when I went to find some Dick linkage:

Steve Phillips Finally Addresses Those Stupid Mock Press Conferences: "I actually thought they should do it again. Even though people criticized it, it was creative and different and why not take those kinds of chances when, you know, what's the risk, really?"

[Dave B]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

Guess I was ahead of the curve on this one.

On a related note, Emo Boy has been filing with New York Magazine (LFork is a subscriber). His douchebaggery has actually accelerated over there.

That means, Fork, that you will LOVE what he wrote in his most recent weekly post for Deadspin:

"Andy Murray. As you might remember from my tenure as "editor" of this site, hockey is not exactly my strong suit. To say the least. And in general, like any sports fan, I find it annoying when a team I've been cheering for all year makes the playoffs, a bunch of people pop in out of nowhere and start rooting for them like they cared the whole time. It's a sin, really: It's against the whole spirit of everything. All that said: GO ST. LOUIS BLUES! Playoff hockey is legitimately thrilling when you have a rooting interest, and I've decided that if the Blues — who, according to my cursory glance at the Post-Dispatch Web site, have struggled with injuries and inability to score all season — end up making the playoffs, I'm dusting off my 15-year-old St. Louis Blues jersey and becoming The Super Duper No. 1 Blues Fan! Yeah! I'll watch Slap Shot to get myself fired up and make sure I support all the moves of ... let's see here ... come on Wikipedia ... Andy Murray, head coach of the St. Louis Blues! I love these guys! I've suffered with them so long!"


3-1 Hawks, Emo boy. Suck it.

[Fork]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

Guess I was ahead of the curve on this one.

On a related note, Emo Boy has been filing with New York Magazine (LFork is a subscriber). His douchebaggery has actually accelerated over there.

That means, Fork, that you will LOVE what he wrote in his most recent weekly post for Deadspin:

"Andy Murray. As you might remember from my tenure as "editor" of this site, hockey is not exactly my strong suit. To say the least. And in general, like any sports fan, I find it annoying when a team I've been cheering for all year makes the playoffs, a bunch of people pop in out of nowhere and start rooting for them like they cared the whole time. It's a sin, really: It's against the whole spirit of everything. All that said: GO ST. LOUIS BLUES! Playoff hockey is legitimately thrilling when you have a rooting interest, and I've decided that if the Blues — who, according to my cursory glance at the Post-Dispatch Web site, have struggled with injuries and inability to score all season — end up making the playoffs, I'm dusting off my 15-year-old St. Louis Blues jersey and becoming The Super Duper No. 1 Blues Fan! Yeah! I'll watch Slap Shot to get myself fired up and make sure I support all the moves of ... let's see here ... come on Wikipedia ... Andy Murray, head coach of the St. Louis Blues! I love these guys! I've suffered with them so long!"


3-1 Hawks, Emo boy. Suck it.

His lastest piece for NYM is all about the Yankees, and he portrays himself as a died-in-the-wool New Yorker.

What a fucking spermpuddle.

[Slaky]

From the Post-Dispatch via Deadspin (you cannot make this stuff up):

"About to turn 30 this year, planning to start a family, and on the brink of free agency's windfall, Ankiel sees contentment where others see quiet. There is only one thing he's thinking about changing.

His name.

Ankiel has been preoccupied recently about when it is age appropriate for him to shorten his given name, Richard, to "Dick" instead of "Rick." Some friends and clubhouse denizens have already taken to calling him "Dick" this spring. He calls it an instant "ice-breaker."

That Dick Ankiel, always redefining himself.

Call him Rick. Call him Dick.

Call him a Cardinal."

Guess I was ahead of the curve on this one.

On a related note, Emo Boy has been filing with New York Magazine (LFork is a subscriber). His douchebaggery has actually accelerated over there.

That means, Fork, that you will LOVE what he wrote in his most recent weekly post for Deadspin:

"Andy Murray. As you might remember from my tenure as "editor" of this site, hockey is not exactly my strong suit. To say the least. And in general, like any sports fan, I find it annoying when a team I've been cheering for all year makes the playoffs, a bunch of people pop in out of nowhere and start rooting for them like they cared the whole time. It's a sin, really: It's against the whole spirit of everything. All that said: GO ST. LOUIS BLUES! Playoff hockey is legitimately thrilling when you have a rooting interest, and I've decided that if the Blues — who, according to my cursory glance at the Post-Dispatch Web site, have struggled with injuries and inability to score all season — end up making the playoffs, I'm dusting off my 15-year-old St. Louis Blues jersey and becoming The Super Duper No. 1 Blues Fan! Yeah! I'll watch Slap Shot to get myself fired up and make sure I support all the moves of ... let's see here ... come on Wikipedia ... Andy Murray, head coach of the St. Louis Blues! I love these guys! I've suffered with them so long!"


3-1 Hawks, Emo boy. Suck it.

His lastest piece for NYM is all about the Yankees, and he portrays himself as a died-in-the-wool New Yorker.

What a fucking spermpuddle.

It'd be better if he died-in-an-AIDS-fire instead.