Commissioner Gordon has seen the future, and it is DOOM

[Slaky+]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

[Eli]

So many to choose from.  I'll trust that Kerm will shoulder the load over at HJE.

One of my favorites, though:

Jeff Samardzija is still a year away.

First, he's about 15 years away.  Second, did anyone really think Samardzija would play a critical role this season?

[Internet Apex]

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

Is he man enough?

[Slaky+]

So many to choose from.  I'll trust that Kerm will shoulder the load over at HJE.

One of my favorites, though:

Jeff Samardzija is still a year away.

First, he's about 15 years away.  Second, did anyone really think Samardzija would play a critical role this season?

How about Sean Marshall's hamstring? A losing record vs. the Nationals?

Someone needs to beat this guy with a sack of doorknobs.

[TJ]

I have all but stopped reading the Sun-Times.

Gordon makes a number of good points. I'm sure Bucky Dent, Gene Mauch, the 1964 Cardinals, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk circa April 2007, Tom Glavine, Herman Franks, Mike Krukow, Bruce Sutter, Dave Kingman, Bill Buckner, Barry Foote, Sports Illustrated and Time Warner, Gary Matthews, Bobby Dernier, Keith Moreland, Leon Durham, Jim Frey, Rick Sutcliffe, Ron Cey, Scott Sanderson, Sad Sam Jones, Rafael Palmeiro, Vance Law, Andre Dawson, Ryne Sandberg, Shawon Dunston, Whitey Herzog, Sammy Sosa, Moises Alou, the 1911, 1919, 1930, 1933, 1936, 1939, 1946, 1985, 1990, 1999 and 2004 Cubs, any living kitten, Steve Bartman, Rondell White, Don Baylor, Jason Bere, Jeff Fassero, Kevin Tapani, Tom Gordon, Eric Young, Ricky Gutierrez, or Ron Coomer will have much to do with what the Cubs do the rest of the way.

I suppose Albert Pujols might be even more of a factor as well.

Finally, Gordon might know a little too much about our new best friend:

35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

If I didn't have friends working in the STNG, I'd be hoping the paper would just fold already.

[Andre Dawson's Creek]

Not enough left-handed pitching (the Will Ohman Curse).

There is a curse named for Will Fucking Ohman?

Rich Hill might not be in the rotation the rest of the year.

Because Rich was doing a stellar job of helping them win before being sent down.

The Cubs have a rookie behind the plate.

You mean the guy leading catchers in All-Star vote totals?

Is converted closer Ryan Dempster a legitimate No. 2 starter who can hold up at this level all season and through October?

That's not a reason, it's a question.  Asshat.

Last time on the mound, Carlos Zambrano cursed, hulked and jumped around like the out-of-control kid he said he'd outgrown.

Yes...Z's last start (which is already in the books) is goingto prevent them from winning the World Series.

Bartman back in force after Moises Alou blames him all over again for 2003.

Fuck you ya hack.

Jason Bay.

The Pirates?  Really?

Eyre is the team's best lefty.

Someone has to be, asshole.

Eyre is 36, and his elbow is closer to 46 in pitcher years.

Where's R Man Jew when you need him?

92. Mathematically, they're in the biggest division in the majors...

93. ...and the larger league.

Congratulations, you can count (because you sure as shit can't write).

[TJ]

Not my best offering, but here goes anyway:

From: T.J. Brown
Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 12:54 PM
To: 'gwittenmyer@suntimes.com'
Subject: Confused with your column

Dear Gordon,

I was just curious what role the following people will play in the next 101 games.  Since you believe these people are reasons the Cubs will not go to the World Series next year, I’m anxiously waiting for your reply, so I can do other things this summer and not worry about baseball.

Still, I don’t see how the following players will be able to affect any Cubs games:

Bucky Dent
Gene Mauch
Members of the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals (baseball)
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk staff circa April 2007
Herman Franks
Mike Krukow
Bruce Sutter
Dave Kingman
Bill Buckner
Barry Foote
Sports Illustrated and Time Warner
Gary Matthews
Bobby Dernier
Keith Moreland
Leon Durham
Jim Frey
Rick Sutcliffe
Ron Cey
Scott Sanderson
Sad Sam Jones
Rafael Palmeiro
Vance Law
Andre Dawson
Shawon Dunston
Whitey Herzog
Sammy Sosa
Frank Chance
Joe Tinker
Orval Overall
Fred Mitchell (the ex-Cubs manager, not the Trib writer or the Eagles WR)
Hippo Vaughn
Hack Wilson
Kiki Cuyler
Joe McCarthy
Rogers Hornsby
Mark Koenig
Charlie Root
Charlie Grimm
Andy Pafko
Gabby Hartnett
Dizzy Dean
Billy Herman
Billy Jurges
Peanuts Lowery
Philip K. Wrigley
Ray Fontenot
Steve Engel
Johnny Abrego
Reggie Patterson
Derek Botelho
Lary Sorenson
George Frazier
Don Zimmer
Mike Harkey
Shaun Boskie
Lance Dickson
Gary Gaetti
Rick Aguilera
Jim Riggleman
Henry Rodriguez
Mickey Morandini
Rod Beck
Nomar Garciaparra
LaTroy Hawkins
Mark Prior
Matt Clement
Sammy Sosa
Roger Clemens
Alex Gonzalez
The feline species
Any past or current employee of Hewitt, Inc.
Rondell White
Don Baylor
Jason Bere
Jeff Fassero
Kevin Tapani
Tom Gordon
Eric Young
Ricky Gutierrez
Ron Coomer
Fred McGriff

If you can detail how any of them will cause the current team’s fortunes to change, or how any of the aforementioned person’s previous performances or decisions will affect any of the Cubs next 101 games plus postseason games, I’d be much obliged.

Thank you.

Best,
 
T.J. Brown

[Poon]

I particularly like that he had to reach into the "some other teams star" bag multiple times because we all know it's only one player on each team.

47. Carlos Lee.

We're split with that team so far so he's obviously the only factor in games with them.  I'd be a little more worried about Berkman the way he's hitting the ball.

48. Jason Bay

We'll never beat the Pirates.

49. Chase Utley.

Already played our road series against the Phillies, only 3 games left against them at home where the Cubs just play awful, we're sunk.

50-51. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan.

A drunk and the guy running a pitching staff with 10 guys from the 40 man roster on the DL?

52. Chipper Jones.

You mean the one bright spot on a sub .500 team?  I thought the fact that we played mostly .500 teams is the only reason the Cubs are even doing well?  Make up yer mind buddy.

94. Albert Pujols.

The guy who's leg just fell off?  The same guy who's arm is going to fall off shortly after coming back from the DL?

95. Greg Maddux -- pitching for Milwaukee by mid-July.

If they got Maddux they'd have to give up something big and one starting pitcher does not a season make.

[Slaky+]

I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

[*In a Nutsack]

My goodness, people Commish Gordo are is a fucking morons.

[PTanner]

My favorite is Jason Bay, who (barring a trade) the Cubs see a whopping 3 more times this year.

And, Lord knows, Bay and the rest of the Pirates have given the Cubs fits this year.

[TJ]

I wonder if Miles and Seabiscuit's Jockey haze Gordo a little.

[ChuckDickens]

21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

My brain hurts. And I don't even know who he's talking about on #23.

[TJ]

21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

My brain hurts. And I don't even know who he's talking about on #23.

Gordo's third best leadoff hitter=Vag Face

[cubbiebluestew]

Why didn't he just say,  "Because they are the Cubs?" and go back to lurking at Deadspin where he got his 101 reasons?  The article was a revelation.  The Cubs have problems.  What team doesn't?