How you crappin'?

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

I learned two things in the HJE shoutbox over the the past couple of weeks that I found more than a little bit surprising...

a) There are people in this world who don't think Zooey Deschanel is a beautiful angel
b) Some guys (mostly Hollywood types, it would seem) apparently wipe their asses while standing up

To the latter...

While this revelation blew my mind, I decided to have a go at it one day to see what it was all about. And I have to say: it seems like a whole lot of fuss (with serious potential for muss) and I still don't understand the benefits.

Don't get me wrong. If I spot something magnificent in the bowl before I make my move, I'm definitely bound to stand up and admire—nay, applaud—the fruits of my labors.

But, the occasional ovation aside, as a standard operating procedure I just can't say that I get it.

So, I put it to you, Desipio... Is the standing wipe a common practice? And, if so, what is the deal with that?

[Yeti]

I stand.. I don't feel like getting my hand close to a pool of shit.

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

I stand.. I don't feel like getting my hand close to a pool of shit.

But your asshole stays above the rim the whole time. There should be clearance enough for even the least coordinated among us to not have to worry about dragging a knuckle through the muck.

Is this a fat thing?

[Slaky]

Zooey Deschanel reminds me of a psychotic girl I used to know so I'm not a fan.

As for wiping while standing up - no. What's next? Wiping from the front?

[ChuckD]

I stand and wipe from back to front.

IT'S CRAZY!!!!!!

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

I stand and wipe from back to front.

Wait... Does this mean you wipe from the front with a back-to-front pull motion?

[Wheezer]

I stand.. I don't feel like getting my hand close to a pool of shit.

But your asshole stays above the rim the whole time. There should be clearance enough for even the least coordinated among us to not have to worry about dragging a knuckle through the muck.

I take it you people have giant toilets, as befit good burghers.

[ChuckD]

I stand and wipe from back to front.

Wait... Does this mean you wipe from the front with a back-to-front pull motion?

I don't play that between the legs bullshit. Behind the back, all the way. Just like Bob Cousy.

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

I take it you people have giant toilets, as befit good burghers.

If anything, my toilet at home is a tad undersized. Doesn't mean I'm flouncing around like some fancy LA dandy.

Behind the back, all the way. Just like Bob Cousy.

Alright then.

BTW... I recall reading the results of a survey from this book a while back (probably "People, Places, and Pinching (Survey) What is a Loaf?") that had percentages on stuff like back- vs. front-wipers. This would probably be illuminating on this topic, but I can't seem to find it anywhere at present.

I suppose I may have thumbed through a print edition at some point, rather than reading it online.

[Wheezer]

I take it you people have giant toilets, as befit good burghers.

If anything, my toilet at home is a tad undersized. Doesn't mean I'm flouncing around like some fancy LA dandy.

I can only imagine such luxury as would keep my nads out of the deep. Simultaneous void and flush here.

[CT III]

I not only stand while wiping, I salute.

[ChuckD]

BTW... I recall reading the results of a survey from this book a while back (probably "People, Places, and Pinching (Survey) What is a Loaf?") that had percentages on stuff like back- vs. front-wipers. This would probably be illuminating on this topic, but I can't seem to find it anywhere at present.

I suppose I may have thumbed through a print edition at some point, rather than reading it online.

Via an Amazon preview and hereby retyped for internet posterity:

Do you wipe front to back (i.e. bottom to top), back to front, or just back and forth? Do you reach around behind your back or reach through between your legs?

44% say they wipe front to back from around behind their backs. 11% say they wipe back to front between their legs/ 6% go back to front from behind their backs, and 4%, all women, go front to back between their legs. 2% say they go back and forth (!) from behind their backs.

No data on the highly effective (although extremely difficult) twin towelette pincer maneuver. Not for the faint of heart. Or you middle American plebes.

[Dr. Nguyen Van Falk]

BTW... I recall reading the results of a survey from this book a while back (probably "People, Places, and Pinching (Survey) What is a Loaf?") that had percentages on stuff like back- vs. front-wipers. This would probably be illuminating on this topic, but I can't seem to find it anywhere at present.

I suppose I may have thumbed through a print edition at some point, rather than reading it online.

Via an Amazon preview and hereby retyped for internet posterity:

Do you wipe front to back (i.e. bottom to top), back to front, or just back and forth? Do you reach around behind your back or reach through between your legs?

44% say they wipe front to back from around behind their backs. 11% say they wipe back to front between their legs/ 6% go back to front from behind their backs, and 4%, all women, go front to back between their legs. 2% say they go back and forth (!) from behind their backs.

No data on the highly effective (although extremely difficult) twin towelette pincer maneuver. Not for the faint of heart. Or you middle American plebes.

Aha...

Do you stand to wipe or remain seated and lean over?

72 of the 106 respondents were asked this question. Of that group, 58%, mostly women, say they remain seated, while 25%, mostly men, say they stand. 3% say they squat or "semi-stand," 1% say they bend slightly, and 1% say they do both: "Usually remain seated unless it's a heavy job."

I'd like to see gender splits on this (more specific than "mostly").

This could just as easily mean 'men are split 50-50 sit-stand while women are close to 100% sit' as it could mean 'most men stand.'

Where's the rigor, RE/Search?

[Wheezer]

[Sterling Archer]

Deja vu.