How you crappin'?

[J. Walter Weatherman]

Again, how does a person get credit for saying things like the Cubs need better players and a drastic organizational-wide attitude shift? The point wasn't that Rozner is wrong for saying these things. The point is that a smart person like Dan Bernstein shouldn't be giving Ol' Barry a belly rub and a bucket of milk bones because he finally managed to string together a few one-sentence paragraphs of cogent thought. How many of us could have, and have, written that same exact thing on this very message board?

How?  Seriously?

David Haugh.
Rick Morrissey.
Gordon Wittendouche.
Hell, even our good friend David Kaplan was telling me the other day that they need to hire someone who understands the Cubs.

They all have been given a public platform, one that they are financially compensated for.

Rozner gets kudos for telling the truth.  What's sad is that said saying of the truth is so rare.

That we would say the same thing is akin to saying, "How kin deez gize get paid so much to plays a game?  I'd plays dat dem der game for free!"

Fine, let's hold everyone to the lowest possible standard. Hey, I wiped my own ass today.

I actually had a non-wiper today

So you didn't even wipe once, like to make sure? You know your butthole that well?

Related...

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

[Sterling Archer]

Again, how does a person get credit for saying things like the Cubs need better players and a drastic organizational-wide attitude shift? The point wasn't that Rozner is wrong for saying these things. The point is that a smart person like Dan Bernstein shouldn't be giving Ol' Barry a belly rub and a bucket of milk bones because he finally managed to string together a few one-sentence paragraphs of cogent thought. How many of us could have, and have, written that same exact thing on this very message board?

How?  Seriously?

David Haugh.
Rick Morrissey.
Gordon Wittendouche.
Hell, even our good friend David Kaplan was telling me the other day that they need to hire someone who understands the Cubs.

They all have been given a public platform, one that they are financially compensated for.

Rozner gets kudos for telling the truth.  What's sad is that said saying of the truth is so rare.

That we would say the same thing is akin to saying, "How kin deez gize get paid so much to plays a game?  I'd plays dat dem der game for free!"

Fine, let's hold everyone to the lowest possible standard. Hey, I wiped my own ass today.

I actually had a non-wiper today

So you didn't even wipe once, like to make sure? You know your butthole that well?

Related...

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

Best JD post ever?

[PANK!]

Again, how does a person get credit for saying things like the Cubs need better players and a drastic organizational-wide attitude shift? The point wasn't that Rozner is wrong for saying these things. The point is that a smart person like Dan Bernstein shouldn't be giving Ol' Barry a belly rub and a bucket of milk bones because he finally managed to string together a few one-sentence paragraphs of cogent thought. How many of us could have, and have, written that same exact thing on this very message board?

How?  Seriously?

David Haugh.
Rick Morrissey.
Gordon Wittendouche.
Hell, even our good friend David Kaplan was telling me the other day that they need to hire someone who understands the Cubs.

They all have been given a public platform, one that they are financially compensated for.

Rozner gets kudos for telling the truth.  What's sad is that said saying of the truth is so rare.

That we would say the same thing is akin to saying, "How kin deez gize get paid so much to plays a game?  I'd plays dat dem der game for free!"

Fine, let's hold everyone to the lowest possible standard. Hey, I wiped my own ass today.

I actually had a non-wiper today

So you didn't even wipe once, like to make sure? You know your butthole that well?

Related...

I just had the elusive no-wiper dump.  Well, I mean, there's at least one wipe to see that you don't HAVE to wipe, of course.  I'm not nasty, yo.  BUT, get this, I had a 2-wiper, no-wiper dump.  That's right.  I had to check TWICE because I just didn't believe the first clean one.  Why?  Well, I'll tell ya anyway.  It's because I pinched it off early on in the dumping.  And it was STILL clean.  Pretty awesome, right?  Yeah, I know it is.  When the lead turd was half-way out, I sneezed which caused the pinching.  I was pretty disappointed  because I didn't wanna spend all day tryin' to get all that stuff off my booty.  I dropped 2 1/2 more medium sized turds in the bowl and disgustedly tore off some TP.  After having pinched, then you can just imagine my surprise when the TP came back in much the same condition as when it when down there.  I thought that I must have poop marks all over the outside of my booty.  Oh, how humiliating.  And time consuming.  Now, more than ever.  Well, I go back down there and wipe the entire butt area.  I could tell during that process even, that this, too, would come back untainted(no pun intended, but I checked that area, too).  Oh, yeah, that TP came back clean, baby.  Well, there was a butt hair on it, but that doesn't count.  I've never had that happen to me before and I just wanted to share it.  I also don't think I've ever had a post this long before.  There was actually a lot more anticipation and rejoicing at the end, but I didn't feel like typing anymore.  My day is all downhill from here.  I mean, ya quit climbin' once ya hit the peak, right?

Best JD post ever?

It's got some competition.

His riff on the literallness of the expression "word on the street" (which has apparently, and sadly, been Ratto'd) is one that leaps to my mind.

[Wheezer]

To use the FCA, the crewman attaches the outer fecal bag properly and proceeds with fecal elimination. Upon completion of the action and subsequent sanitary cleansing, the tissues and refuse are placed in the inner fecal/emesis bag. The crewman then removes the germicide pouch, cuts the outer protective seal, and places it in the inner bag. Finally, all items are placed into the outer fecal bag, the bag is sealed, the germicide pouch is ruptured by hand pressure, the bag is kneaded, and the contents are stowed in the waste-stowage compartment.

Although the Apollo fecal-collection system is the same as that used in the Gemini Program, many new concepts and designs were investigated and tested. Various types of canisters, with and without air blowers, were developed with some success. In all cases, the primary problem has been the separation, in a weightless environment, of the fecal wastes from the crewmen. Nothing has proved more effective than the current system, which has proved adequate for all flights, although the crewmen have expressed dislike for it.

NASA TN D-6737

[Wheezer]

Hello, marketing? We need some hand sanitizer.

[Wheezer]

Rembember, Saturday is World Toilet Day 2011.

[Wheezer]

Will we have to go to Canada for fecal transplants?

[Wheezer]

Need a stocking stuffer?

Just picture this...Last night's buffet was the best you ever had, but today at the office, all that eating is catching up to you. As you walk out from your second visit to the restroom, you nearly collide with the handsome lad from two offices down. You both pause, staring at each other. Just then, the door shuts behind you. A rush of bathroom air fans past. "Mmmm, citrusy," he says and walks away.

[Slaky]

Need a stocking stuffer?

Just picture this...Last night's buffet was the best you ever had, but today at the office, all that eating is catching up to you. As you walk out from your second visit to the restroom, you nearly collide with the handsome lad from two offices down. You both pause, staring at each other. Just then, the door shuts behind you. A rush of bathroom air fans past. "Mmmm, citrusy," he says and walks away.

Doesn't she know she needs to remove the lid if she wants to deliver an upper decker?

[Gilgamesh]

Some proper pooping instructions.

[Fork]

Some proper pooping instructions.

#AskRomney

[Yeti]

For the dedicated workers such as myself

Do you spend a lot of time on the crapper at work? Ever wonder how much your poop is worth? Use this app to time your poops, keep track of your total poop worth, and share with others.

[PenPho]

FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD:....

POOPING AT WORK -- (Rules and Definitions)

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall.  This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment.  This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.  If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved.  Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

 Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.  If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

 Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location.  This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. 

 WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

 Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is darn proud of it.  You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.  Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.  This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. 

SAFE HAVEN

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. 

TURD BURGLAR

 Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.  Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. 

WATERMELON

 Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.  If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. 

 HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water.  Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. 

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back later

[Yeti]

I'm very much a Fly By

[Chuck to Chuck]

Makes me miss the "For Chuck" thread.