Had his mind been there in fucking Minneapolis, the Bears could've had the opportunity to win their first game before getting pantsed by Kaepernick a second time in SF.
Had Hester paid the fuck attention, the Bears might have stopped Adrian Peterson from rushing for a buck-fifty in Week 14, thus retroactively winning Week 1 against the Colts before taking the team time machine back to Week 11 to get depantsed by Colin Kaepernick for a second time in his first career start?
Hestink really is
I think he meant the Bears might have gotten a win in the Wild Card round of the playoffs before heading to SF for a little Divisional round dickpunching from the eventual conference champs. As bad as my predictions are, at least I am cosmically wrong before events unfold. Drunk, butthurt and retroactively stupid is no way to go through life.
But I don't know how the seedings would have played out with Bears getting in at 11-5. Unless they ended up in D.C. versus the 'Skins, they'd have been dickpunched in round one too. Yay?
No, no, no. The Seahawks and Redskins were locked in at 5 and 6, respectively. Had the Bears beaten Minnesota in Mpls, they would have been the sixth seed, and then the outcome of Minnesota-Green Bay would have been only to decide if Green Bay would have the week off. Maybe the Packers win that one, forcing a Bears-49ers tilt in the Wild Card round. If not, the Bears would have had to go to Lambeau as the sixth seed. Had they beaten the Pack, they would get to play Atlanta as the lowest-seeded team. Maybe they beat the Falcons, and maybe Seattke beats Colin Kaepernick, so the Bears would then go to Seattle with a lot of Huey-sized ANGER about losing to Russell Wilson at Soldier Field. So they then beat the Seahawks, setting up their triumphant return to the Superdome, where they won just once since Super Bowl XX.
The matchup with the Ravens goes well, as the Harbaugh brothers spend Saturday night drinking and watching their brother-in-law coach his HOOSIERS against Michigan on TV at Pat O'Briens, downing Hurricanes with every turnover, assist, block, point, or syllable uttered by Dick Vitale, culminating with Jim taking his brother John out trolling for hookers in the French Quarter as Jim doesn't have to worry about a football game the next game. Thus no one is there to be sure they do a bed check on the Ravens, so Ray Lewis takes Joe Flacco out killing, they both get arrested, and John Harbaugh tries to coach the Ravens against Lovie Smith's Bears still blowing a .15 during the game before taking a nap during the power outage.
The Bears win 45-11, deliberately kicking a field goal on first down at the Ravens 30, up 42-0 in the second quarter and then sending Jason Campbell to take a knee on every offensive play after that, and then allowing three field goals and taking a safety to the Ravens, thereby not soiling the legacy of DEM EIGHTY-FIVE BEARZ! So with a Super Bowl title, and the genius Lovie Smith coming back for more, and Super Bowl XLVIII being played outdoors in New Jersey (BEARZ WEATHER!!1!!!), the Bears would be prohibitive favorites to win next year, with Lovie likely retiring to a cushy TV job the following year only so SINGLETARY (or maybe RYNO, if he doesn't have an MLB managing job by then) can take over to lead the Bears like only a TRUE CHICAGO GUY CAN!
So, yes, fuck you, Devin Hester. Look at what you did!
Do we give out trophies for posts like this? Because if we don't, we should.