Gin

[Wheezer]

I will state that I have not consumed enough gin to have internalized comparisons for quite some time. However, Ye Olde Beverage Marte was handing out samples of Hendrick's this evening. I'm having a hard time believing that, at northward of $30 per 750 ml, that this isn't some sort of very elaborate practical joke. The flavor in fact appears to have left the back two-thirds of my oral cavity completely untouched. I would also note that the post hoc cucumber and rose adumbrations were nowhere in evidence. The attack on the palate is utterly flat and rounds out only marginally with sustained effort. It is more engaging as later-exhaled fumes, like a gyros sandwich. Moreover, I've already got perfectly good rose essence in the pantry and access to cucumbers, so I'll be damned if I can figure out why I need a bunch of aspiring Welshmen to pretend to flavor their still-drippings with them for me.

[PANK!]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

[Wheezer]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

This would be way better if you had shouted "The law can't touch me, baby!" while being booked.

[PANK!]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

This would be way better if you had shouted "The law can't touch me, baby!" while being booked.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure all I could blubber was "PLEASE DON'T CALL MY PARENTS" 

Fucking Gin--how does it work?

[Wheezer]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

This would be way better if you had shouted "The law can't touch me, baby!" while being booked.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure all I could blubber was "PLEASE DON'T CALL MY PARENTS"

Fucking Gin--how does it work?

I will risk having told this gin story before. Once, as an undergraduate, I consumed an alarming amount of gin one evening. The next day, I arose in a state of stupefaction and pain. My imaginary girlfriend was a ballet dancer with very real chronic pain who took giant horse pills of aspirin. For some reason, one of these black-and-white spansules was simply lying on the floor in the middle of the room, and I downed it promptly and retreated to bed. The nausea from this assult was not prompt, but when it finally came, I dry-heaved up a perfectly formed ball of fuzz nearly an inch in diameter and nothing else. I didn't realize what it actually was until the next day.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

This would be way better if you had shouted "The law can't touch me, baby!" while being booked.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure all I could blubber was "PLEASE DON'T CALL MY PARENTS"

Fucking Gin--how does it work?

I will risk having told this gin story before. Once, as an undergraduate, I consumed an alarming amount of gin one evening. The next day, I arose in a state of stupefaction and pain. My imaginary girlfriend was a ballet dancer with very real chronic pain who took giant horse pills of aspirin. For some reason, one of these black-and-white spansules was simply lying on the floor in the middle of the room, and I downed it promptly and retreated to bed. The nausea from this assult was not prompt, but when it finally came, I dry-heaved up a perfectly formed ball of fuzz nearly an inch in diameter and nothing else. I didn't realize what it actually was until the next day.

tl;dr Wheezer got drunk on gin and licked his cat all night.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

Terrifying.

[Eli]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

Terrifying.

Everyone was extremely impressed, however.

[Wheezer]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

This would be way better if you had shouted "The law can't touch me, baby!" while being booked.

Sadly, I'm pretty sure all I could blubber was "PLEASE DON'T CALL MY PARENTS"

Fucking Gin--how does it work?

I will risk having told this gin story before. Once, as an undergraduate, I consumed an alarming amount of gin one evening. The next day, I arose in a state of stupefaction and pain. My imaginary girlfriend was a ballet dancer with very real chronic pain who took giant horse pills of aspirin. For some reason, one of these black-and-white spansules was simply lying on the floor in the middle of the room, and I downed it promptly and retreated to bed. The nausea from this assult was not prompt, but when it finally came, I dry-heaved up a perfectly formed ball of fuzz nearly an inch in diameter and nothing else. I didn't realize what it actually was until the next day.

tl;dr Wheezer got drunk on gin and licked his cat all night.

Have you no sense of wonder? Have you never seen regurgitated cat hair? This was dry and pristine. It was caught in the moment of creation.

[Tonker]

I will state that I have not consumed enough gin to have internalized comparisons for quite some time. However, Ye Olde Beverage Marte was handing out samples of Hendrick's this evening. I'm having a hard time believing that, at northward of $30 per 750 ml, that this isn't some sort of very elaborate practical joke. The flavor in fact appears to have left the back two-thirds of my oral cavity completely untouched. I would also note that the post hoc cucumber and rose adumbrations were nowhere in evidence. The attack on the palate is utterly flat and rounds out only marginally with sustained effort. It is more engaging as later-exhaled fumes, like a gyros sandwich. Moreover, I've already got perfectly good rose essence in the pantry and access to cucumbers, so I'll be damned if I can figure out why I need a bunch of aspiring Welshmen to pretend to flavor their still-drippings with them for me.

I'm not going to respond to that stick-poke.

Ah, fuck it.  Yes, I am.  You cheeky cunt.

[Tonker]

Back on topic, people keep giving me Hendrick's - partially because it's Scottish and partially because of Tonklet no.1's name.  It's nowhere near as bad as Wheezer makes out: Hendrick's, Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray are all fine.  I wouldn't drink Gordon's if they were giving it away, it's minging.

There is only one fully correct answer, and that is Plymouth.  It makes the perfect martini and is actually too good to pollute with tonic.  If you drink gin, and you're not drinking Plymouth, you bloody well should be.

[Gilgamesh]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

At least they had a suspect.

[PANK!]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

At least they had a suspect.

Indeed they had.  And to Tonk's point, I'm pretty sure the schwag I had was Gordons.  So there's your lesson, kids.  Stay away from Gordons, stay out of jail.

[Wheezer]

Back on topic, people keep giving me Hendrick's - partially because it's Scottish and partially because of Tonklet no.1's name.  It's nowhere near as bad as Wheezer makes out: Hendrick's, Bombay Sapphire and Tanqueray are all fine.

The Hendrick's wasn't bad, it was... incomplete. And ridiculously overpriced for what it is.

[Fork]

I drank probably a half of bottle of gin one night as a 16 year old and wound up throwing up in the police station after having been arrested for--among other things--Indecent Exposure.  Couldn't even smell the shit for nearly a decade after that without getting the willies.

So the one time they actually look for suspects, you've got your dong out.

Nice going, Seamus.