Roughly a year ago, Bears fans settled in to watch our heroes pound the upstart Carolina Panthers on their way to Super Bowl XL. What we got was a game that ended about :37 after it started. If we weren’t mature, reasoned, thoughtful fans, we’d be worried that a similarly inferior Seahawks team could do the same to the Bears on Sunday.
Wait, we’re not mature, reasoned or thoughtful. In fact, most of us are in full panic mode. So here are 10 things to remember as you get ready for tomorrow’s kickoff.
1. The Bears, 13-3 on the season, were easily the best team in the NFC this season. If not for Rex Grossman admitting he was drunk before kickoff on New Year’s Eve they would have swept all six games against the mighty NFC North Division, the Division so good that…uh…one team was over .500, this season.
2. The forecast for tomorrow includes snow, rain, sleet and a 100 percent chance of shirtless fat guys. The Bears never lose in bad weather, and the Seahawks aren’t used to playing in bad weather. Except for the games they played, and won this year in the snow, that Monday night game when the wind blew 70 MPH the whole time, and those two games when it rained so damn much that four guys named Noah living in the Pacific Northwest started building boats and gathering up animal pairs.
3. Rex Grossman had more 100.0 or better QB ratings than any other QB in the NFC. Six. He also put up three games where his rating looked like an aggregate of a Bob Huggins basketball team GPA.
4. Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck’s sister-in-law finished third on Survivor and her reward was to have Rosie O’Donnell slowly suck the lifeforce from her one hour each day on national daytime TV. Oh, and Hasselbeck has Juan Cruz’s hairline.
5. Everybody wants to blame five bad (for them) defensive efforts to end the season on the loss of All-World DT Tommie Harris. But Ian Scott’s a pretty fair player. More likely, the Bears struggled because at no time during those five games did Nate Vasher and Peanut Tillman play at the same time. At least that’s what I tell myself when I wake up screaming in a damp bed at 4 a.m. I also tell myself that the wetness is sweat. I do a shit job of lying to myself.
6. Coaches who look like Manatees are 12-9 in the playoffs, coaches named Lovie are 0-1. The last Bears coach to win a playoff game was Dave Wannstedt in 1995. The last coach without a hare lip to win a playoff game for the Bears was Mike Ditka in 1991. The last coach without a mustache to win a Bears playoff game was George Halas in 1963. Lovie’s bucking some big odds.
7. The last home playoff game the Bears have won without the benefit of either a) fans throwing snowballs at the opponents or b) hellacious fog, was the 1986 NFC Championship game when Hall of Fame QB Dieter Brock was throttled into submission.
8. The Bears have already played the Seahawks at home this season and won 37-6. Since this year’s playoffs are being held with a similar formula to the Tour de France, the Bears will start Sunday’s game with a 31-0 lead.
9. Seattle has never won a playoff game in new Soldier Field. (Neither have the Bears.)
10. The Bears have an excellent team with a complete basket case for a quarterback. If they can get eight straight medicore quarters out of Rex Grossman, or at least six of eight from a combination of Rex Grossman and the human breathalyzer–Brian Griese–the Bears will advance to their second Super Bowl. We’ve seen a lot of tragic things. Most of us are Cubs’ fans. But we don’t have to watch a kick-ass football team have what should be the second best season in club history get hosed away like something out of a Dave Matthews Band tour bus, do we? Of course not.
Right?
I may be fat, but my shirt’ll be staying on. Go Bears.
Sleet, rain and snow have been pushed back to 3pm.
Saints with some more smoke and a tad bit of mirrors today.
Um, Dolan, the 06 Bears are hardly the second best team in franchise history. Even if they win the Super Bowl. I just told Bronco Nagurski to get out of his grave and come kick your puny ass.
The Dave Matthews Band tour bus reference was classic!
If Hasselbeck and a 50% Alexander took the Bears to the brink today – what will Brees and McAllister/Bush do?
Bears get smoked by NO next week.
I’m cold.
I’ll find someplace to warm up tonight ’round ’bout half past 11.
Well, fellas…nice win there for da Bearsssss yesterday. I’m a Saints guy, though. I live in Baton Rouge, LA, and I’ve been a Saints fan all my life, and I’m not just one of the “bandwagoners” you’ll find nowadays. I remember Bobby Hebert, Wade Wilson, John Fourcade, drafting a kicker in the first round…yadda, yadda, yadda.
Anyway, I’m here to talk smack or say that the Saints are going to win, because in fact I have no idea what’s going to happen. I’m a Saints fan, after all, and if history serves me right, I’m in for some sort of big surprise this weekend. I’m not sure what it’ll be.
Just remember: this is not the same Saints franchise you saw last year, or for the past 40 years. The face of the entire franchise changed when they hired Sean Payton and Drew Brees. There’s a new feeling around the Superdome, and the Saints are for real. I can’t wait to watch the two best teams in the NFC this weekend. Good luck.
Uhhh…in my second paragraph of my first post, the sentence should start:
“Anyway, I’m NOT here to talk smack…”
Sorry.
Shut up, Paul. You’re a douche.
Who’s Paul?
Paul keeps me warm sometimes.
Yes. Yes.
You know what’s interesting. The quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons is Bobby Hebert. No “r.” Which I find fascinating. You know, it’s “Herbert”: h-e-r-b-e-r-t… “Hebert”: h-e-b-e-r-t.
“Hebert.” It’s a fun name to pronounce. Try and say it: “Hebert.” Take a shot.