The best part of any Phil Mickelson win is we get plenty of gratuitous shots of his wife. Hello.
Was the Cardinals’ series any more than just the Cubs’ death rattle?
Here’s my take on Greg Maddux. If he wants to come back near that’s a good thing. He’s not going to pitch past the point where he isn’t useful anymore, he’s too smart for that.
Among other things, Don Pierson lists every backup quarterback in the NFL. It’s a scary list.
If Jeff Blake is the answer, we don’t want to know what the question was.
More than you never wanted to know about Blake. Leon? Really?
Ron Turner had to turn off the radio on his drive home Friday. Must have been listening to Hub.
Mariotti puts down the doughnuts to take Ozzie Guillen to task for jokingly calling a man a homosexual. My favorite part of this column though is Mariotti telling us that Ozzie used to enjoy to pretend to dry hump Jay in the clubhouse.
Barry Rozner continues to feel the love for Kyle Orton and he thinks the Sox have become the Twins. What I enjoy is how people ignore the fact that the White Sox offense, thanks to Kenny Williams’ changes, is actually worse than it was last year. They win because they’re pitching better. How hard is that to understand?
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback is not exactly TO friendly.
Some dope in Houston thinks Moises Alou is the answer to their offensive prayers. Does he not know that Moises is on the disabled list again?
If it’s August, it’s time for Khalil Greene to break something.
America’s finest news source says the NYPD searched a man’s bag and found an explosive best seller.
I seem to think the Sox are gonna get Griffey, and that the Reds will pick up all of his salary. I’m an idiot.
The “failed checked boxes thing” was my fault.
Cubbie faithful, I’ll take my beating like a man. Or a man named “Kelly.” Whatever.
I enjoyed that series, free from the dickishness that surrounded the 2003 and 2004 “tilts.” This one actually involved some interesting games, save for the ass-whupping from Thursday. For what it’s worth, because I’m hardly a baseball sage, I feel a lot better about StL’s October permanence this year, mainly because of the Rodriguez/Mabry/Nunez group that the cable morans couldn’t stop fawning over this weekend. The one thing that does worry me is, of course, The Genius — who seems intent on getting Carpenter the Cy Young even if it means his arm falls off on Labor Day.
Would have been nice to see this team play like this from the outset, so I wouldn’t have to sit through a playoff with the bleached-tip crew from Houston.
Anyway, to save you the trouble:
I molest collies, my trailer has fleas, Jerry Reed rules, and all that.
Is Khalil hurt? Noooooo………I sure hope it is somewhere above the waist.
Cardinals Apologists will be on vacation beginning June 1 and returning October 1 when meaningful games resume. Thank you for your inquiry.
So where’s the link for a picture of Lefty’s wife, assbag??
Kelly,
You forgot “you make the best meth in your trailer park”
Meth’s too expensive, we just put a magnifying glass between our eyes and the sun and hold it ‘der til’ we get all loopy.
Whoa there #7, let’s not say things we can’t take back.
That’s a great picture of those two fags getting cuffed outside of Murphy’s. Looks like Juan Epstien (#08) either has a nice wig or he should’ve used the $14 he spent on that sweet T-shirt and got a hair cut before he rolled up I-57 in his Volare. And that is a sewwt-ass sweatband on his right arm.
How you pretend to dry hump another mang, mang? I dry hump Jay or I dry hump another Venezualen (expletive) then I really dry hump them, mang. Dry hump is pretend (expletive) so you can’t pretend dry hump another mang, you just walk up heem and dry hump him, mang! Then you really got a big (expletive) prollem cuz I dry hump you to death!
Dave B’s right. Those guys are fags!
Yer all a bunch o queers.
I may be the Cubs first choice at shortstop next year. If the cubs don’t like my price tag (which they probably wont), then they’ll turn to Nomar. Ha! Nomar is plan B.
Holy crap, there is just too much optimism in today’s dose for my liking.
How can I justify feeling and being miserable with type of asshole-sphincter-rainbow spewing bullshit?
I simply don’t belong here.
Remember to always think small about future player acquisitions.
Hey, can I play quarterback. I’ve played fairly well thus far….
Cubs don’t face Clemens in Houston, sweep the 3 game series.
Cubs on a roll in Colorado, sweep the rockies for their 7th straight win.
Cubs 1.5 games out of the Wild Card, after their series in Colorado.
Hey Kyle, it’s preseason. Shut your stupid mouth.
Dolan,
I’d hold up on jacking Kerry Wood off. This guy has been one of the biggest if not the most disappointing player in Cubs history. Yes, he’s done good out of the bullpen here lately. Nobody can justify paying this sad bastard 15 million even to be the closer though.
But the Cubs are notorious for being one of the dumbest organzations around and they will try to have Kerry Wood in that starting rotation next year. Does it make sense? Hell no it doesn’t! The Cubs will be bitching and moaning again about how their bullpen sucks. If you’re going to pay this piece of shit a load of money, at least use him right.
Mark my words though, Kerry Wood will puss out on us once again.
Baker and Wood Basher
Damn, I need a drink…now, where’s my car keys?
I think you meant starter-turned-closer
During Sunday night’s ESPN game Joe Morgan explained that Poohole was going to be the MVP because of his team attitude. Poohole explained that he just wanted to help his team “wing”. I agree. Any first baseman who can levititate 24 other guys deserves to be MVP.
Duh!
With $30-40 million to spend in the off-season, here’s a look at what’s available in the free agent market this winter:
1B: Konerko, Millar, Durazo, Hatteberg
2B: Biggio, B. Boone,
SS: Furcal, Nomar, A. Gonzalez (FL)
C: Piazza, R. Hernandez, B. Molina, Ausmus
3B: Mueller
OF: Matsui, Damon, Sosa, P. Wilson, M. Bradley, J, Jones, B. Giles, L. Walker
SP: Burnett, Matty Mo, Weaver, Washburn, Armas
Closer: Wagner, Hoffman Dotel, B.J. Ryan
I would guess that re-signing Walker, Nomar, and perhaps Lawton might be the best option. Wagner and Ryan will likely be pursued.
I said on Saturday that Jose F Macias was a tough out because he was hitting .290. I also said continuously that dusty baker was an aggressive manager. I should of said I am dumber than donkey balls.
That is an insult to us dammit. We are far smarter than that dumbass.
Dear Andy,
First-time/long-time here.
If I pitch a great game, does that mean I’ll get a Papa John’s sent to my room like you did for Jimmy Anderson? I mean, I am a portly left-hander, after all. It’s only fair.
I’ll hang up and listen to your answer.
Thanks,
G-Unit
I, only and by myself, am a good enough reason to pay Mr. Kerry Wood what he’s making.
I am one of the top 10 thrills in Cub History.
Care to trade for me?
Between 1978 and 1978. Damn! That’s a lot of games in one year. I hope he won the Cy Young that year.
Keep perpetuating that myth, #29.
Maybe a picture of us can go up at the top of the screen now?
Not only do I not know who is who on the field (those numbers aren’t a big enough clue), when I finally do figure out who is who, I can’t pronounce their stupid names. I’m going to just start calling every player “Smith.”
Hey Dave B – I’ll be a free agent and I play 2B. Not very well, but it is my current position.
I wasn’t a Myth…..
http://www.chron.com/content/chronicle/sports/bb/98/05/07/lede.html
We doubt that will happen number 18
Oh, Myth, will you take this man’s order?
I only win the damn game for you female doges last night and dees da treatment I get? What’s a gremlin gotta do to get some respek?
Here’s a shot of the golf bags Amy Mickleson carries on the course
Actually, Alfonso, you’re simply up for a big raise in arbitration this year, that’s why Texas wanted to dump you.
I like it when Phil takes me out to dinner, and then eats my entire meal too. His money is…I mean HE is so cute.
In all fairness, the Gremlin’s lack of OBP shouldn’t disqualify him from being a pinch-hitter. In fact, with his high BA and low OBP, pinch-hitting’s about the only thing he should be doing. He’s better than Lenny Harris was in ’03, and I wasn;t terriblu surprised to see him knock one through the box last night.
Starting him 1-2 times a week, however, is what invites derision from most people.
And starting him 3 days in a row in centerfield–as Dustbag did at Shea– ought to be grounds for execution.
I deserve to get pegged between the eyes for hitting that Grand slam off of Mary Prior, who summarily wilted down quicker than you can say “Matt Clement”
Was there going to be a part where Wood is compared favorably, or in any way whatsoever, with Eckersley? Eck having more success as a starter didn’t really bridge the gap between Kerry’s 6-inning, 4-walk relief work and his sudden presumed superstardom.
Did you enjoy my 1/3 of an inning while I was back?
…dictates that we overanalyze everything the Cubs do. The sucky truth is that they suck for two weeks and really play well for another. That’s not very good. So, by reason of deduction, the Cubs are not very good.
However, Rationale also dictates that with the talent possessed by this club, we should be in first place. The Cardinals…I mean Satan’s Minions…have lost 2/3 of their outfield and their all-world, however vaginized, thirdbaseman. There is no reason for the Cubs to be lagging this far behind in the division, let alone the Wild Card race–no matter how much sand ends up in Kerry Wood’s uterus.
…also dictates that Amy Mickleson is moderately hot.
I promise to throw strikes…
There’s nothing like a tender groin…
…I meant loin…oh, crap.
I have a short porch in left. Why am I sensing the names Aramis and Anthony Nomar?
Yep, that’s right, it’s me. What am I donig here? I don’t know.
First off, I did a lovely job typing the Dose, didn’t I? A syphillitic monkey could have done a better job with the paragraph on the Eck than I did.
Secondly, I won’t put a photo of the Blackhawks up because that would infer I was going to write about hockey and since I’m not, I won’t further agitate the 19 hockey fans left in North America by pretending they’ll get something they won’t.
And no, I have no confirmation that Jimmy Anderson ever got the pizza I sent him last year, but I do have confirmation that Papa John’s billed me for it.
Raise your hand if you’re tired of this schtick…..
Baker Basher Basher
Andy, you meant “imply” where you said “infer”. You imply when you’re the speaker or writer. You infer when you’re the listener or reader.
And with that, I’m off to Grammar Nuremberg. Sieg heil!
Andy, the Cubs can’t pull to within 3.5 games of the wild-card lead with a sweep of Houston. The Phillies (0.5 behind Houston) and the Nats (1 behind Houston) are squaring off tonight in the first game of a four-game set. If the Cubs sweep the Astros, then Houston will trail either Philly or Washington — or even possibly both — by the end of the Cubs/Astros series.
The best that the Cubs could find themselves after the series in Houston is 4.5 games behind new WC-leader Washington, like so:
WAS 64-56 —
PHI 64-57 1/2
HOU 63-57 1
CUBS 60-61 4 1/2
woo woo the cubs may loose woo woo
but tavarez and the genius blow woo woo
and joe morgan too woo woo
The Cubs will not sweep the Astros anyway.
Yes Roy, you are correct, but you are still me.
FEAR MY OPPOSITE FIELD POWER
Wow, I actually hit the ball!
has been thrown into the left field bleachers at minute maid
I can still run, at least.
I need to start everyday, screw Burnie
Can a man get an FYC?
I won’t last six innings today.
Todd Wellemeyer + Bases Loaded + Minute Maid Park = Oh No
I always told him he was a wuss.
Did someone say KFC?
I run faster to first than Aramis.
My son could have learned to walk at a very young age, but he didn’t feel like getting off of his butt until age 7.
We are fung!
Damn, Wellemeyer’s going to steal my job.
I watched that homerun like a pro…you know, someone that has hit more than 3 of them in my career.
Hey, Dusty, when your pitcher gives up two homers (within three AB’s), walks the pitcher, and gives up a hit on the next pitch, and the #2 slot is up, you take him out you fool.
How many runs need to score without a recorded out before you even visit the mound?
Three, of course. Then I waste more of da bullpen, man. Ya dig?
And I’m the one they sent to Iowa?
Say, did someone on Desipio say the other day that Dusty Baker Rifle Scope Night is coming up soon at Wrigley?
Playoffs here we come!!!…oh wait, that’s the Astros, whoops. We suck.
I’m…I’m just not any good.
And you get free ammo with every two beers purchased.
It’s a good thing we can’t hit, right?
Pat Hughes just gave the AAA Insurance, “if the Cubs score some insurance runs tonight …” promo.
We hereby give him our Loyal Employee Of The Year Award. No other nominations will be accepted.
Wait a minute, we’re supposed to keep people OFF the bases? Doh!
Will somebody please fire Dusty Baker.
ZZZZZZ…..
“Dolan,
I’d hold up on jacking Kerry Wood off….
Baker and Wood Basher”
Now I why tigers eat their young.
I swear she said she was 18. And I’m a Brave now. Oh… Tigers… yeah.
what the hells that supposed to mean
Thanks for the rest of the day off!
Hey, my name’s gonna be in the paper!
Wow, that ball went far. Is a double digit ERA bad?
Man we love it when that thar Basher dude be talking about jacking dongs and Kerry Wood’s mom sucking him off. That shite be madd funny! Let our hero be!
I like my bullpen. We’re gonna start winning, because we keep making the other team clog the bases!
Broken News cubs fans
Sources indicate the Cubs season is over, so shut up trying to make people believe. We can still waste time talking about them and being sad and cynical for the rest of the season. So, really, all is well. I love you.
Hoops
Hi, Cubs fans and Glenview residents!
Even though I terrorized the streets of Glenview Friday night (with my daughters in my brand new H3 as I swerved around Waukegan Road), let me remind you that I was not drunk. I was just all viked up!
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
You guys gave up 12 to the Astros? Bwahahaha!
Wait, so I was only supposed to take 2 pills every 4-6 hours. I read it wrong, I took 24 pills every 6 hours…honest mistake, fun mistake, but an honest one.
Just think of last night’s drubbing as me. We didn’t want you thinking we were going to really play out the last month and a half just because the Cards took a fall 3 out of 4. We really do plan on stinking up the joint for the remaining 6 weeks. Do not get your hopes up.
After our HOT start we’re 12-13 in our last 25 games.
We are going to provide some fun and laughs for Cubs fans when we continue to stumble and crumble the rest of the way.
ENJOY!
Nobody here thought you were gonna go deep into the playoffs anyway. You are just starting your slide a little later than expected.
But, i was gonna hit .320 with 120 stolen bases, and 200 hits.
We ignore our own pathetic team to rip the playoff-bound, first-place AL Central team? A new low. When things don’t work inward, I guess we look outward…
When a fan from the self proclaimed “playoff-bound, first-place AL Central team” goes to browse, spend time and post on a website dedicated to his team’s crosstown rival…simply pathetic.
No, I am not a Sox fan; I am a Cubs fan. Hence, the word “we” and “our” when talking about the Cubs. I come here for Cubs talk, not to sit and rip the White Sux over and over.
Wheeee!!!! I also respect the Cardinals and their fans. I have a Believe bracelet and I love NSBB. Lets never say a bad thing about anyone, life is perfect. The Sox are built for post season dominance. It’s not like the Red Sox, Angles, or A’s would kick their asses or anything. Sox fans didn’t rip the Cubs and come to sites like this and talk shit in 2003…oh wait, yes they did. Fuck me, I am part of what’s wrong with a lot of Cubs fans, I sit there and take it on the chin.
Hey, where’s the Dose for today?
My reading comprehension skills are sorely lacking. Buy me a clue, mommy!
No matter how bad things get with the Chicago National League Baseball Club — and right now they’re pretty damned bad — the only thing that can make them worse is when we deign to acknowledge the existence of that off-brand team over on the off-brand side of town.
Alas, some of us keep forgetting that, because some of us just aren’t very bright.
There might be some Cub “fans” like 108 who feel the need to try to defend us but…our name says it all.
Thanks 108, see you on the south side, you would typically jump on our bandwagon sometime next month, but by your posts we can tell that you already have.
Where’s the booze? Hey, up yours, Cub fans!! Check out my new Hummer!!
112 you no fung, mang
We need to take our holier than thou attitudes and go away. “Buy me a clue, mommy!”. Very funny…if you’re six years old. Go pay 50 bucks over at NSBB, you fucking tools.
Well…I li to swin de bat as a teang. Joe Morgang alway say it ’bout teang, mang. Y’all smell that?
I speak for all Cubs fans? That can’t be good, no wonder we’re a laughing stock.
Fire Dusty….Hire Pinella
Yeah, mang…NSBB, mang.
I no want keedee touch homos like #112 on my bandwagon mang. Bandwagon is for fung, not for fag.
Pinella, mang…
I drive dees ship to da seeries. You come wid me, you see fung times, mang. I tell you all, I see you at the cell een october.
Yeah, mang…the cell een oktoba, mang.
… and thus #113 joins #109 in the Cubs Fans Who Can’t Read Club. How he makes the cognitive leap that a self-identified Cubs fan’s not wanting to talk about the White Sox on a Cubs site somehow makes said Cubs fan a White Sox fan — in spite of the fact that the guy called them “the White Sux” — is truly a marvel of America’s education system gone awry.
Albert Pujols is such a team player, that one time, he pooped on Jim Edmonds’ chest. Just because Jim asked him to. Now that is a team player.
Hey…
Why haven’t I gone away yet?
Dat’z why dey call me “Poohole,” mang. It’s li itz a teang gang bang…mang.
I’m the Joke Police, and I’m back! I’m kicking ass and taking names!
Because your mom wanted seconds, #128.
I’m what happens on Desipio when the Cubs suck.
What, you’re not man enough for thirds, most guys are, with her.
I mean, come on.
I could be the worst poster in a long time.
I thing gyou are, mang…teang gang, mang.
Lessee some dad jokes, mang! Hey, I got one! Su padre esta homosexual, mang! An’ a child molester!
Yeah, mang…child molester, mang. Teang gang bang, mang.
That’s great Ozzie, now stop humping my leg.
Get downg, Ozzie mang. Mari…uhhh…stop hunting dat guy’s leg, mang.
hey 135 woo woo
you’re the worst poster woo woo
cubs nation sucks woo woo
dusty sucks woo woo
and joe morgan sucks woo woo
I’m tired.
…he’s tired, mang. Teang gang bang, mang.
It goes like this, You woo suck woo balls woo. If you are gonna do the gag, at least give the retard credit and do it right.
Do it right, mang.
I decided to take a day off today.
Hey, guys…what happened to G-Unit last night. I thought he would come back strong. I guess too many doughnuts will do that to you.
“Well, with DK gone, Albie really stepped up and took control of the clubhouse. He dumped on my stomach just the other day, and braids Matt Morris’ hair while snapping his balls with a rubber band. It’s really a great thing to see, he should win the MVP for sure.”
Other people here have told “Ronnie” that he’s screwing up the Wickers routine. He ignores it. The guy’s relentless.
Maybe if you speak louder and slower …
Tank you, Jing…I really decide do tak da teang under my wing and rung wit it. It’s a teang gang, mang. Joe Morgang know wha I talking abouw…
I should’ve switched to Geico!
Who is Todd Hungley, mang?
I’m the guy you wish you were. Fuckers.
Sung ov an bitch, mang…you no nee to ged dirdy, mang. Sheet…
Zorry…I meang do zay “beetch,” mang.
Dammit Albert, most 32 year olds speak better English than that… What’s that, you’re how old?…yeah, nice try mister, now back to the flash cards. 25 years old, yeah, good one.
… the guy who lurks anoymously on this site and takes cheap shots at the regular posters. Ignore his sorry ass.
Where is he? I’ll kick his ass (extends middle finger).
Man, I am jonesin’ for a vic, or a perc, or just about anything right now.
You guys got a secret handshake too? Is it like the AV club? Okay lets all type notes to one another and here’s the cool part, we’ll all agree! You talk like Ozzie, I’ll talk like Pujols, Leonard you talk like Ronnie Woo Woo…. Oh God I just came
woo woo I’m back to this place woo woo
to find out that a lot of people don’t have a clue woo woo
those people are woo woo
in no particular order woo woo
“sad” 106 & 108 woo woo
“the reading and comprehension guy” 111 woo woo
and a someone posting as “cubs nation” 112 & 125 woo woo
all of you woo woo
plus “this is death” and “hey 144” (149) woo woo
blow migthingly woo woo
and to “ronnie” 141, you are not me woo woo
you can´t be me woo woo
nice try, no go woo woo
there’s only one Ronnie here at desipio woo woo
the only site you’ll ever need woo woo
that’s so sad woo woo
and let me finish by telling you woo woo
that mr. morgan b-l-o-w-s too woo woo
The real Ronnie Woo Woo does look the type to screw up his own gag if forced to actually “articulate” it by writing it down. Perhaps he has an agent, to whom he dictates it and she’s so blown away on smack she can’t even get it down the way she hears it. It could be. Would it really shock you to know that Ronnie posted at Desipio? Yeah, me too.
You forgot the joke police, you gimmick killing retard.
Go back in the archives to a time when the Cubs were GOOD. September of ’03 works for me. Read an old Dose, any Dose. Think of a time when you didn’t hate your life. It’s cathartic. Sometimes there are pics of hot babes hidden in there too and you could rub one out if you wanted. It’s “fung mang.”
test
Mang
I took the advice from 164 and found a dose from April of 2003. Ah, good times! Corey Rhodes, Kerry “by God” Wood, no Baker Bashing, Shock and Awe…
And this line from Aril Fools Day 2003:
“I thinks it’s pretty apparent that some day soon, Juan Cruz is the Cubs’ closer.”
I remember thinking the exact same thing. They never should’ve traded that guy, I tell you. He should be Hendry’s No. 1 free agent priority next winter, provided he is a free agent, and that he’s still in baseball.
The above is an especially enjoyable Gamecast
…now also #160, too. Dickweed.