The news we dreaded for so long was printed in the paper today. The Cubs have re-signed Neifi Perez for not one, but two years! Oh, great. I guess I’ll start socking away money for playoff tickets next season.
The galling part of this move has nothing to do with Neifi. You remember that stat I had that showed that last year in the months that Neifi had less than 100 at bats (April and August) he hit .368 and .347. Neifi’s useful in the role Jim Hendry has in mind for him, as a utility player. He’s still an above average defensive shortstop and has acquitted himself well at second and even at third. He’s a good guy to have around.
Unless…
You knew this was coming. Unless, Dusty Baker is your manager. Dusty’s the same guy who let Ronny Cedeno rot on the bench while Neifi’s average plummeted last year. The same guy who batted Neifi leadoff 114 times despite a .263 on base average in that role, and then batted him second 268 times despite a lousy .300 on base average in that one.
Neifi’s agent is also Rafael Furcal. There’s no secret to the Cubs’ desire to sign Furcal. If they do, it will mitigate the potential disaster of full-time Neifi (hey, there’s always second base!). We’ve read that Furcal is excited about the potential of playing for the Cubs because he’s good friends with E-ramis and Neifi, so signing Neifi actually increases the chances of getting Furcal.
But if you don’t get Furcal, you’re more screwed than you would have been before. You’ll have Neifi and Dusty’s going to use him…all the time.
Gulp.
Phil Rogers asks himself questions about the Cubs and Sox offseasons, but doesn’t really answer any of them. He claims though, that the Cubs should know it’s safe to sign the Furcaloholic because if Bobby Cox could put up with him for six years, then he can’t be all bad. Yeah, that logic worked so well with Otis Nixon, didn’t it?
The Bulls forced overtime but fell to the Spurs. But Groucho says it’s fun to watch any team play as hard as the Bulls do every night.
Yesterday, Groucho advocated the Bulls signing Latrell Sprewell. Apparently this caused a firestorm. But I’ll admit I not only think it’s a good idea, but I wanted the Bulls to go after Latrell in the offseason. The Bulls desperately need size, and not just down low. They play a guard rotation of three guys who need tippy toes to hit 6’2. They don’t match up well with bigger shooting guards. Sure, Kirk Hinrich can check them, but it almost always results in a lousy offensive night for him and foul trouble. Besides, if Latrell did act up, how fun would it be to see Skiles punch his lights out? That would be worth it alone.
KC Johnson and John Mullin on the Bears’ first half.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to explain why the Bears don’t need Terrell Owens. He’s right, you know. Every NFL team has headcases. That’s a fact. The Bears have had and likely still do have their share. But TO takes it to another level. Think about what a raving assbag this guy has to be to get launched off a team with Super Bowl aspirations. With Donovan McNabb hurt, TO is clearly their best player. It’s not even close. And the Eagles don’t want him. They’ll pay him to not play for them. I wasn’t joking when I said the Packers are mulling over an overhaul (should they continue to be the worst team in football not playing in Houston) that would include Reggie Bush (fear him) and TO. It’s not lost on them that the comment that triggered his latest incident (though, I loved the fact that Hugh Douglas went into trainer’s room and accused TO of faking an injury) was TO saying that if the Eagles had Brett Farvuhruh that they’d be undefeated. So you can see the Packers considering it.
Before you get worried about that, though, consider a few things. First, TO is just going to love northern Wisconsin. I’m sure he’ll take up hunting and fishing and bingo. Then, if he couldn’t get along with Steve Mariucci or Andy Reid, just think about what the Mike Sherman relationship would be? Sherman’s a guy who ended a press conference (and then grounded the reporters by not letting Brett talk to them either) because somebody’s cell phone went off. If the Packers want to stay bad for a long time (and I suggest that they should) this is just the kind of move that will keep them on track for that.
Brad Biggs says that Thomas Jones’ bad ribs might be bad for a while. The good news is that Muhsin hasn’t started yelling at Biggs for anything in this article yet.
ESPN the Magazine is going to have some fun steroid stuff in it this week. Among the items. Wally Joyner says he got steroids from Ken Caminiti, took some, didn’t like it (probably because his nuts shriveled up) and stopped. And a Phillies’ player spent one spring training as a bodybuilder’s “personal chemistry experiment.” Who could it be? Pete Incaviglia? David Hollins? Lenny Dykstra? Darren Daulton? It’s only John Kruk if he took them and then didn’t actually work out.
Huston Street and Ryan Howard are your rookies of the year. I think the writers got both of these right.
SI.com’s Kelly Dwyer tells us more about his stomach than we ever want to know.
Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback (yes, from yesterday, hence the “Monday”).
Ugy Urbina has been charged with attempted murder for an incident on his “farm” in Caracas that resulted in men being attacked with machetes and attempts made to set them on fire. Hey, that sounds like those old Tuesday night parties at Craig Hodges’ house!
The Boston Herald insists the Red Sox might still trade Manny Ramirez to the Mets. Hey, how about hiring a GM first?
Deadspin on the ludicrously hot story about the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who were arrested for having sex in a public bathroom. This is why we need the Honeybears back! Come on!
I loved that one of the cheerleaders was so drunk she had to be carried to the police car. I also loved that one of them gave a fake name to the police and that the name was of ANOTHER PANTHERS CHEERLEADER!
Check out the mug shots of these two.
Consider that we’d have to cut them some slack because the photo was taken after a night in which they got drunk, probably got all coked up, had sex on a bathroom floor, got arrested, carried to a squad car, thrown in a holding cell and then dragged out for prints and pictures. And you know what? The one on the left is still smokin’ hot! Hello!
The Smoking Gun has the arrest record and it seems that the cheerleader who lied about her identity did so because she’s only 20. Here’s who she pretended to be:
Can’t say I blame her.
I can’t wait for the movie Cinemax is going to make out of this.
America’s finest news source says that in the wake (hah!) of what happened on Lake Minnetonka, the nation’s sex boat industry is now in financial trouble.
A website called ATM said today, that if I get enough at bats this year, I could set the major league record for most runs TAKEN AWAY from an offense during one’s career!
I went to The Smoking Gun to read their take on the Top Cat lesbian cheerleaders incident and had to chuckle when the home page featured an ad for The Ellen Degeneres Show.
I’m Neifurious….but it’s too early to know what this means.
It has the potential to be very bad or very good.
Neifi and Furcal are good friends, I hope that this was a move made in part to help lure Furcal, and that Neifi will be a backup utility player.
There is also the possibility of Neifi could be traded. I have heard the Yankees are interested in Neifi as their super sub. There are teams with lower payrolls and lower aspirations that would give Neifi an everyday job.
The worst thing that can happens is that the Cubs don’t get Furcal, they bench Ron Ce and give Neifi the job as starting short stop. But for now, I’m going to break with tradition and not assume the worst just yet.
—-
By the way, how about some love for Hunter Hillemeyer and his badass INT on sunday.
I thought Helen Huntermeyer played very well yesterday, with the pick and the sack. Last week he had a great third down tackle when it looked like Marcus Pollard was going to get a first down in OT. Helen’s playing very well.
My wife’s very protective of Hunter, Andy. They’re both Vanderbilt alums, so she feels some kind of weird kinship with him.
Now I’m Neifi’s agent, mang and I get for heem the two-year contract. That he give to me the ten percent! So much extra drinking money for me to spend with you bitches next year mang! See you at Murphy’s for fung fung fung!!!
My offseason to-do list is almost complete!
1. Overpay for mediocre lefty.
2. Overpay for washed up sub who will end up starting 120 games.
3. Eat some burgers.
4. Pick up Dusty on way to 2-year extension signing party.
She feels the same kinship with me, T.J?
You’re waiting for our version of this movie? Come on, Andy! Wait until these broads hit the pole club circuit and eventually (and inevitably) dive tounge-first into the porn industry. Oh, baby, this is gonna be good.
Oh man, Andy. From time to time I nod along with you because you make sense, or at least have something funny to say.
This time, however, your mash note to Kyle Orton is just laughably bad. This is a sub-grade quarterback in many respects, and you are making him out to be the second coming of Jimmy Mac (i.e., marginal quarterback with great instincts and “just enough” to get the job done each week). Spare us the Orton love  it’s misplaced and way off.
Kyle Orton has proven to be miserable.
A few key stats bear this out:
> 23 QBs have thrown for more yards.
> 28 QBs have a higher completion percentage.
> David Carr (he of the 1-7 Texans) has as many TD passes.
> Those 9 INTs? 23 other QBs have thrown fewer.
> That 62.9 QB Ratings means only one QB is worse (Joey Harrington).
Is any of this good? Let me just outright tell you: No. This is bad. All bad.
This is a rushing-oriented team (as I am sure you’ll agree). So a top-flight QB is not key to overall team success. However, Kyle Orton is a joke of a QB. Giving him any props in any way (aside from pouring a manly shot of Jack Daniels) is just patently wrong. Give the defense credit, and applaud the coaching staff for working within the confines of this limited team (in a bad division), but do not in any way attribute their success to Kyle Orton.
Pray for Rex. His return cometh. And that right soon.
Remember how great it is to sign a SS from Atlanta?
As Mike D. says (often): “Good times.”
10: Orton’s a rookie for Chrissakes and he’s won (or managed not to lose, if you wish) four straight games. He’s started eight straight games and isn’t out for the season with some calamitous injury sustained during a play on which he WASN’T EVEN HIT, like the puss ass midget you’re espousing for QB duties. To hell with Rex. That ship sailed a long time ago. You bring up Jim McMahon and for good reason. His inability to remain in one piece for more than 11 games in any given NFL season is the major reason why our greatest Bears teams were unable to get it done each week. Unlike your boy Rexy, though, McMahon was always picking the pieces of himself off the turf because he was constantly getting hit HARD on all the crazy, hell-bent for election rushes he made.
If you want to have fun(g) with numbers, compare Orton’s numbers with the rookie stats of other QBs playing in the league right now. Don’t forget to include the one that holds the most significance though; the W-L columns.
Bear Down!
Kyle Orton sucks.
No, he doesn’t.
rookie or not, he sucks.
Your momma.
pussy
faggot
He doesn’t “suck”, but I agree with you on some points. Yes, he is a rookie, but when I watch him, I can’t help but think “Kerry Collins Jr”. He just doesn’t look like a future great QB. A lot of his mistakes aren’t rookie mistakes, they are just plain bad. Still, that being said, he is the best we’ve had since Eric Kramer.
bitch
That’s it. I’m telling.
Then I’ll tell about you and your love for Lassie Edmonds.
No, Skippy, she doesn’t bring your name up too often. She does bring up Buster Olney, Tyler Kepner and Lee Jenkins, the triumvirate of Vandy alums who went on to the Yankees beat at Jason Blair’s old rag.
And I’ll show those pictures of you french kissing Ozzie Guillen, you fruit!
There is a reason I’m not tops in yards thrown and TDs, I am in a controlled offense fool. It’s obvious our stregnth is the running game. I’m just there to overthrow the receivers once in awhile to keep the defense on their toes. I am not a great QB, I do show signs of being an above average QB, but its still way too early to tell.
I never said Orton was a 10-year veteran, nor did I insinuate he should be playing like one. I merely said the praise he is currently being given is wholly misplaced and unwarranted.
This guy is a joke. He overthrows receivers, fumbles too frequently, and generally looks like he is one step ahead of being found out. The writers haven’t outted him yet, because he does have those four straight wins. But those have been the work of a good coaching scheme and a pretty stingy defense.
Don’t let me be the one to burst the Orton love, if you’ve got it bad for him. Wait until he plays against Carolina or Tampa Bay or Pittsburg. Then you’ll see how bad he truly is.
I call your Ozzie pictures, and raise you and your pictures with Chip and the Beege. Bitch.
Orton has been compared to other rookie quarterbacks in addition to all other quarterbacks. And the number is ugly: Second-to-last in quarterback rating.
And, Kyle (#25), I acquiesced that you were running within a limited game scheme in my initial post, and stated the play-calling to be rush dominated.
Have another shot of Jack and re-read the original post that you got you rubbing your crappy half-beard in aggitation.
You suck. Time will bear it out.
What am I doing nowadays?
Oy vey, I can’t believe you mentioned my son Eddie as if he was ever in the plans. And calling him a “speed guy”? I’m verklempt! Why can’t he beat me in a race then?
What’s the over/under on when one or both of the carpet-munching cheerleaders shows up in Playboy?
I’d feel better about Orton if he could throw the deep ball with any accuaracy whatsoever. The poor throw out of bounds on what should have been a TD to Muhammed in the first half was ridiculous. When Brian Baldinger can see that you’ve got accuracy problems, then they must be pretty glaring.
I think Penthouse already has an offer out there.
Everyone ready for my mock Cubs GM press conference tonight? For authenticity, we’re piping in riot noise in the background.
Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders Fired, Approached by Penthouse
What the Bears’ record is with Kyle Orton behind center, with a cupcake first-half schedule, a top-three defense, an enviable running game, a solid offensive line and playing in the worst division in the NFL: 5-3
What the Bears’ record should be –and regardless of who their quarterback is, what with a cupcake first-half schedule, a top-three defense, an enviable running game, a solid offensive line and playing in the worst division in the NFL: 7-1 (should’ve beat the scum Washingtonians and expansion Browns while easily handling all others save for Cincinnati)
What the Bears’ record would be –had Jason Hanson not contrived to miss a 46-yard field goal attempt indoors as– with Kyle Orton behind center, a cupcake first-half schedule, a top-three defense, an enviable running game, a solid offensive line and playing in the worst division in the NFL: 4-4
The one on the left is still smokin’ hot! Hello!
And apparently I’m the bull…
“According to criminal report affidavits, copies of which you’ll find below, Thomas responded by clocking one complaining gal in the face.”
Renee’s got a butterfly on her back.
Might as well say “Aim Here” on it.
Why argue about how good we are or aren’t at this point? Just enjoy our season. After that horseshit baseball season, you all are entitled to a little guilty pleasure from a flawed team enjoying an easy ride atop a weak division.
By the way, those shit teams we keep beating the ones with records beginning with ones and twos and the like, they used to be us. Or we used to be them. Remember us last year? Or the year before? God we were fucking rotten. Could you even stand to watch us last December?
We may not have beaten anybody good yet, but in the NFL, some good team gets beat by some bad team almost every single week. But we’ve won four straight and the Forty Faggots are slated to prance around Soldier Field this Sunday. Watch us bury the cocksuckers like we did the Vikings and Lions. Didn’t SF beat us 49-0 two years back? We’re different now. We’ve got a coach, a quarterback, a real honest to Allah receiving threat.
Quit your bitching, for fuck sake. Mercy.
I hardly think this was a glowing review of Orton. I said he’s likeable in a whiskey-drinking-Seinfeld-watching-doesn’t get hurt every time he gets hit kind of way, and that he’s got an NFL arm. But I also said he overthrows every third pass, that the kicker has more athletic ability than he does and that he’s a better passer than most of the duds the Bears have had in the last 15 years. Hardly high praise.
Yeah, but the Dittoheads all see “Andy likes Orton” and they come charging in with #18 jerseys because he has the implied consent of St. Andy.
Orton’s not a long term solution. It will take time, but he’ll be exposed. And it will be ugly.
I’m sure everyone is enjoying the Bears’ season and 4-game win streak. However, the air of waiting for the other shoe to drop is hanging around Lake Michigan. Once Orton is tested and passes, the “I think he’s a legitimate NFL QB” balloon can be confidently floated.
Let’s see these cheerleaders in action.
Hey, Oyving (#30)! It’s ferklempt, not verklempt, you vaggot, you.
Now, I got shpilkes..
I once won 4 games in a row, too.
Can this man lead the Bears to the playoffs?
Could it be that Orton is me with a better arm? Better hope not because I’ve just got the one arm left. Will you please help me put on my shirt?
Anybody have Neifi for two years on their radar?
I mean it, because maybe we can still shoot it down with a sidewinder missle or something?
Don’t make me lay the smackdown again, Jim! You know you aint really hurt. Now get the fuck outta here before I rip off your other arm and beat you with it!
So, let’s cheer ourselves up with a picture of a goat on a trampoline with a hyperactive kid.
Before comparing Orton favorably to Miller, I’d like to see how Orton is at connecting on the 3rd-and-9 ball to the receiver who ran 2 yards and fell down.
how about taking steroids?
Uh… OK, how about that? I’ll take ten.
Miller did that. You want to see Kyle take them too?
I want Gabe Reid lay off the goofballs.
I love Mike Vick, and I will defend him to the death. This should come as a surprise. I can’t wait for Vince Young, I will claim he is a great QB too. I’m a piece of shit.
Kind of like I defend the god Tom Brady?
Or how about me defending Brett Favruhh?
I rip on Brady and others(who are white), while I say nothing but great things about McNabb and Vick. I claim to be a Cubs fan, yet I wore a sox jersey and said things like, “I have to root for them, I’m a south sider”. McNabb is a top QB, Vick is not, he’s a running back that can throw.
Has anyone else ever taken more credit for a team accomplishment than me? Going 30 yards in 3 minutes and then handing it to Vinatieri in the Super Bowl is good, but it’s not like going 99 for 6. Did you see me on 60 minutes? It was nice watching me lose last night.
.48 I’m afraid that’s not possible. You see, the Sidewinder is a heat-seeking missile, and lord knows it’s been a while since Neifi was even close to hot.
I make up for it by slurping all over Tom Brady. Plus Wilbon always slurps Favruhh too. This whole race-baiting is very scoppesque from you.
“McNabb is a media creation. In reality, he is a very ave. QB. Look at his stats before TO got there. Now check his stats after TO. He is a ave. QB. Media just makes him look great.”
Don’t link to that article, it sucks man-thigh.
I like this one, where I get to rip on everyone:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/kelly_dwyer/11/04/announcers/index.htmlhttp://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/kelly_dwyer/11/04/announcers/index.html
Whoops.
I am made of retard parts.
Did someone say race baiting? Me and my buddy Scoop are real good at that.
You think Peyton Manning would care whether or not he passes for the winning touchdown in this year’s Super Bowl or completes short, safe passes in the final couple minutes so that Vanderjagt gets a chance to win it?
I doubt it.
Hey, look at us. our rookie seasons we had a 71.2 and 55.4 QB rating. Orton’s clearly way worse than we were.
Oh, and that Fav-ruh guy? 72.2 his second season.
Spec-fucking-tacular
simmy down there manning bitches. Win a ring, then come talk to me.
Why? Easier to trade you some vicodin for yours.
I am a vicodin poppin’ drunk. And? Still got the rings, and one of the best winning percentage as starting QB. Try again later.
Rings? Try one ring. Although your fans act like you’ve won eight out of the last ten Super Bowls.
Brett Favre likes us!
Yeah, it would have been two rings, but I was so clever, letting Denver score.
I still got that one. How many do you have manning brothers? Exactly. Try again later, bitches.
Brett Fav-ruh likes us. He third all time in passing touchdowns.
Touchdowns apparently don’t like us. They decided not to use one of us in the second sentence of post 75.
Is Ken Harrelson your English teacher?
Me like touchdowns. Me like Brett Favre.