Pitching matchups:
Satan’s Minions: Karen Carpenter, 15-8, 3.09 ERA
San Diego San Deigans Diegos Deigities? Padres: Jake Peavy, 11-14, 4.09 ERA
Lineups
Tards
Garden Gnome, ss
Chris Androstenedione, lf
Granpujols, 1b
Lassie, cf
Mr. Cocktober, 3b
Juan Incapacitation, rf
Fat Ronnie, 2b
Yadier Mo-for-22-lina, c
Karen Carpenter, p
Padres
Dave “I once had a stolen base that gets a little too much credit” Roberts, lf
Brian “Boyband Haircut” Giles, rf
Adrian “Who am I, how did I get here?” Gonzalez, 1b
Mike “I’m not even as gay as that picture of Trevor Hoffman” Piazza, c
Russ “All or nothin'” Branyan, 3b
Mike Cameron, cf
Geoff Blum, ss (Where’s pretty Khalil? Chip will pout all day.)
Jesse Barfield, Jr., 2b (Or whatever his real first name is.)
Jake “Can an ace be 11-14?” Peavy, p
MLB’s GameCast has a new “3-D” version. I can’t wait. Nothing beats three dimensions of inaccuracy.
So what? Peavy pitched last year with some broken ribs. I play all the time with a distended anus.
I saw Adrian Gonzalez at a Mark Prior rehab assignment at Iowa in 2004 and said to the usher I knew: “This guy is a MLB’er!”. Thaaat’s how he got there.
Geoff Bum playing short for a playoffs team? The Great Russell Branyan? I could actually see the Padres muffing this one if it weren’t for an inept and limp Cardinals team.
Better get your mute button ready, because I’m doing the game on TV!
You’re with me, you leather lunged assbag!
The worst part is that Edmonds isn’t lying about playing with a distended anus. But it’s not his distended anus he plays with. Hello!
I’ve got a million of them. And two kidneys!
Hey dudes. I’m getting ready for my new gig at ESPN, and I thought I’d stop by to practice a little.
Hey Dusty! Why don’t you give us the Cardinals lineup?
Don’t mind if I do. Yes, I’m talking to myself. But it’s practice.
OK, leading off is…wait, this can’t be right. They’ve got their shortstop leading off, and he’s white. Gotta go with a brother here and it has to be your centerfielder. Is Edmonds black? No? OK, let’s move Encarnickysticky over from right to center, and lead him off.
Batting second is…woah! This can’t be right, either. You can’t bat a big boy like Duncan second. Here’s where your second baseman goes. Let’s put Belliard in the two hole.
Third spot is for your best hitter. That’s Pujols. OK, Tony’s one for three so far. Then, you go with your best RBI man, so that’s…that’s Pujols. OK, he’s going to bat third and fourth.
Fifth has to be a slugger, so let’s put Edmonds there because we’ve got way too many righthanded hitters there.
Sixth should be a guy who has some pop, let’s put Duncan there.
OK, who’s left? Molina and Rolen? Rolen makes more money so he hits seventh, then Molina, then the pitcher.
There we go. That’s today’s Cardinals lineup. Back to you, Biff.
Go uncle David! While we can still see. You know, because of our jaundiced eyes and all.
Epsteen did a good job of not clogging the bases there. Gotta be hacking, dudes. Nice job. This is why the Cardinals are like a well oiled machine.
Best part of the new 3-D Gameday. It lists who has batted in the inning, then On Deck: then In Hole. Somehow In Hole: Edmonds just looks right.
That 2-6-3 double play was poorly executed. You should throw that ball into center field, then try to throw out the runner going to third.
The only thing better than watching the Cards lose this series would be watching the Asstrolls lose it.
Tony’s real good at strategy and stuff, dudes. Here with a runner on first and no out, he’s going to bunt with Carpenter, to get that runner to second. You know who was good at that? Neifi.
Neifi was good at that. Ripped the heart out of our team when we traded him. Reminded me of the time I ran over the kids’ dog with my Range Rover. That dog couldn’t bunt for shit. Neifi could, though.
My fuckin’ phone keeps ringing, but I don’t recognize the number. Caller ID says it’s from some place called DONUT HUT. What does that mean? Screw it, I’m blocking that number.
You know who else was a 33 year old Carpenter?
Jesus.
Chris, sitting next to you reminds me of last year sitting next to Buck Showalter on the Rangers’ bench. He made me want to kill myself with a nailgun, too.
I was reading the Cardinals’ media guide and they have some interesting stuff listed in Jim Edmonds’ bio. It says he’s in to “adventure sports” you know, dangerous, thrillseeking sports. He’s got some examples.
White water rafting: I’ve never tried that, but I want to. Sounds fun, and wet.
Bungee jumping: Too scary for me. Plus, I’m obese and would likely be too much for the bungee.
Unprotected anal sex with multiple male partners: Uh, it’s uh, the 0-2 to Peavy.
The Cardinals miss me! They haven’t won crap since I took my little sparkplug like abilities to the Detroit Tigers for lots of money and zero production.
Wow, they’re really still doing the in-game manager interviews? They always look like a hostage video.
Albert’s lecturing the home plate umpire on where “his” strike zone is. It worked, because the next pitch was right down the middle and called a ball.
Reminds me of a Bob Uecker joke. A batter complained about a pitch and the umpire said. “That one was a strike. The next one’s going to be, too.”
I don’t think my pursuit of that pop-up is going to be on my Hall of Fame highlight reel. I did manage to rub my junk up against the backstop though. Felt nice.
Piazza drops a foul ball, Pujols homers. Who saw that coming?
This one might be over early. Warming up in the bullpen, Chan Ho Park.
Jake Peavy’s gagging again.
THE Chan Ho Park, the famed Cub Tamer?
Greg Maddux, Todd Walker, Phil Nevin, Neifi Perez, Scott Williamson, Nomar Garciaparra…………we have these guys on them.
To an extent we also have Steve Trachsel, Mark Bellhorn, Rondell White, Kenny Lofton, Ramon Martinez, Mike DiFelice, Michael Tucker, Kyle Farnsworth, and Miguel Cairo.
DiFelice-c
Nomah-1b
Walker-2b
Neifi-ss
Bellhorn-3b
Lofton-cf
Nevin-lf
Tucker-rf
Maddux-p
what a team!
Not every pitcher can be great in the postseason.
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Tell me about it, Kenny.
What, 27, you don’t understand that? It’s basically a stat that shows that a team of Albert Pujols’ would score 194 runs a game and allow only six.
That’s what Bochy gets for starting Branyan over me. That had “hero time” written all over it. What, Boch doesn’t have tapes of the 2004 playoffs? I was the balls.
Actually that was the 2003 playoffs. In 2004 I was riding the pine during the great 1-7 finish to the Cubs’ season.
Eckstein bunted too hard on purpose so he’d replace Carpenter at first and allow Chris the necessary amount of rest.
God, I’m such a douche.
Why do I not get old?
The same reason ass-ramming the defenseless and the underaged never gets old to me little Jimmy.
Somebody tell Peavy this isn’t the World Baseball Classic.
Hey, I made an appearance. Todd did not execute me with the vigor of his best disgusted bat flips in Chicago, however. Maybe in game two?
Best string of comments all season here…definitely will return for tomorrow’s effort.
Nice to see the desipiots kicking it old school. I don’t even know what’s going on the game but, having just stopped by, I DO know that this is the best Gamecast since before the Cubs were rendered irrelevant.