Some things are just too predictable.  People will drive like morons during the first snow storm of the year, Best Buy will fail to have more than two checkout lanes open during Christmas shopping and Phil Rogers will take every chance to remind us that he doesn’t understand baseball.  Not even a little bit.

It is laughable that this vapid dope ever got a job where he would be referred to as “baseball expert.”  But now that the Tribune is cutting back on sports staffs at all of their papers (except on the Bears’ beat, apparently) Phil’s column runs as the authority on all things baseball in papers all over the country.

It’s embarrassing for the newspaper and it’s an insult to anyone who actually pays attention to baseball.  Phil Rogers has never gotten it, he’ll never get it, and if he was hit in the face with “it” he’d lick it off his face and write a 700 word festering turd of a column about how great Scott Podsednik is with it.

So what has he done recently to deserve our scorn (apathy is more appropriate, but he’s not getting off that easy this time)?

As you know, the Tigers, Yankees and Diamondbacks agreed on a three-team trade that sent good players to New York and Detroit and others to Arizona.  But you knew that some simple-minded dope would decry the fact that Curtis Granderson was involved and he didn’t somehow end up in his hometown of Chicago.

We’ve been through this before, and in great detail, when since departed (but not far enough departed) Rick Morrissey, then of Phildo’s same newspaper, said that people who use stupid little stats like strikeouts or platoon splits were belittling Granderson’s value, when the most important part of Granderson’s being was being ignored.  Mainly, that he wrote a children’s book and is a nice guy.

Well get the Berenstain’s on the phone, maybe they can play right and center this year if that’s all it takes.

The take then was same as it is now.  Curtis Granderson is a hell of a guy and he’s a good baseball player.  But he’s not a great player, never was and never will be.  His statistics have dropped precipitously from 2007 to 2008 to 2009, and his now former team, the Tigers, were concerned that his range in center field is declining.  But there was a market for Granderson and Detroit was going to be asking for some really good players in return.  It didn’t seem wise for any team to trade really good prospects for a soon to be 30 year old centerfielder who is just now getting to the expensive part of his contract.

Phil, as he so often does, missed the entire point.  This time he missed the point by so much I’m not so sure he didn’t end up sticking the pen into his eye.

Chicago Cubs fail in effort to land Curtis Granderson

Center fielder all-but-gone from Detroit Tigers to New York Yankees in 3-way deal

INDIANAPOLIS — Oops, they did it again.

The Cubs let Curtis Granderson get away, and this time they did it right before our eyes. It didn’t seem to bother them too much, and it will not bother their more mathematically inclined fans, but it should.

It won’t bother their more mathematically inclined fans, because there are actual statistics that show that Curtis Granderson isn’t all that great.  But the fans who don’t know any better will think it’s a tragedy.  You’re off to a great start, Phil.

You can scoff if you want. You can point out his troubles against left-handed pitchers. You simply can hide behind the high asking price if it makes you feel better.

It’s the scoffing that causes Granderson to strike out at an astronomical rate against lefties.  If you bastards would just stop scoffing so loudly he would hit them.  And, how dare you not want to give up whatever the Tigers want for him!  What is wrong with you people?  Phil and I hate you!

Granderson isn’t Willie Mays, but the reality is he was the most intriguing card on the table for the Cubs this winter — one of the most intriguing in the last seven years — and, just like in the 2002 draft, the front office swung and missed.

You know what, you’re right, he’s not.  Willie Mays was right handed, and one of the greatest players ever.  Oh, and you know how some people cringe about how Willie embarrassed himself in his final season with the Mets in 1973.  He was right handed and he only posted a .283 on base and .630 OPS against righties that year.  Granderson is lefthanded and last year he posted a .245 on base average and .484 OPS against lefties.  Oh, and did I mention that Willie Mays was FORTY-TWO years old in 1973?  I didn’t?  Oh, never mind.

Barring unforeseen questions about medical reports, the 28-year-old center fielder from the University of Illinois-Chicago and Thornton Fractional South High is going to the Yankees in a three-team trade that also sends Edwin Jackson from the Tigers to the Diamondbacks.

The Yankees didn’t need Granderson as badly as the Cubs. They already have Derek Jeter to be their leader and ambassador.

Wait, what?  The American League has ambassadors now?  I thought the DH was bad enough.  Oh, you say that’s not a real thing, it’s just some made up, steaming pile of bullshit?  This is the kind of thing that makes rational baseball fans not like a really good baseball player like Derek Jeter.  Unhinged morons like you making him out to be more than what he really is.  A really good player who gets to bang super-hot models, singers and actresses, and make almost $20 million a year doing it.  What this has to do with trading for a centerfielder who has struck out at least 140 times three times in four years is beyond me.

But Brian Cashman nevertheless valued Granderson highly for both his play and his off-the-charts intangibles, so he pulled the trigger on a deal that cost him 22-year-old center-fielder Austin Jackson and pitchers Phil Coke and Ian Kennedy.

Right, a team with a $200 million payroll can afford to pay a guy $24 million over the next three years to platoon in center field.  Why is it that we have to explain this to you?  The Tribune doesn’t actually pay you for this, do they?  I would hope that on pay day when everybody else gets their checks, one of the editors rolls up one of your columns and hits you with it for twenty minutes.

The Cubs do not appear crushed about losing the chance to land Granderson but had spent almost a month trying to figure out a way to get him.

And with Granderson off the board, they must continue a search for center-field alternatives to overachiever Sam Fuld.

This is twice now you’ve referenced the fact that the Cubs didn’t appear either “to be bothered” or “crushed” by the idea that just like every other year, ever, that they won’t have Curtis Granderson playing on their team.  It seems like the only way you’d be happy is if you could go to the the lobby of the Indianapolis hotel where the Winter Meetings are being held and see Jim Hendry, shirtless, in the fetal position crying and screaming “Why?  Why Curtis, why?”

And just where have you ever heard that the Cubs are going to play Sam Fuld in center field next season?  Honest to god, you are either the dumbest person on the planet or you are just pure evil.

And, you know what?  Guess what Sam Fuld’s on base average and OPS against lefties was last year?  (Like Granderson, he’s a lefty.)  His on base average was .400 against them and his OPS was .900.

But he spent most of the year in Iowa, you say?  He hit lefties better than righties there, too.  And you know what, Phil?  Honestly, if the Cubs had traded for Granderson, they probably would have ended up platooning him with another lefty!  And Fuld blows.  Nobody thinks that little doofus with that enormous cranium of his is a bonafide big league player.  He’s a fifth outfielder at best.

This wasn’t as bad as passing on Granderson in their disastrous handling of the 2002 draft. Then-scouting director John Stockstill invested $6.94 million in Bobby Brownlie, Luke Hagerty, Chadd Blasko, Matt Clinton, Brian Dopirak and Justin Jones — all of whom were taken before the Tigers got Granderson with the 80th overall pick.

So not trading players for him wasn’t as bad as passing over him six times in the 2002 draft.  You are keen.

I would have thought that if you were going to redo the 2002 draft you might have the Cubs take Jon Lester, Brian McCann, or Joey Votto, because they passed on Votto once and the other guys twice.

But this might be more painful because Granderson has used four full big-league seasons since to establish himself as one of the brightest voices in the game. He’s not a bad player either, with career lines of .272/.344/.484.

I agree, the Cubs should try to convince him to retire and replace Ron Santo in the radio booth.  Good idea.  He talks pretty!  How could you not want him in your outfield?  Maybe his bright voice would soothe Milton Bradley and they wouldn’t have to trade him?

Give the Yankees credit for overlooking Granderson’s platoon differential (.570 OPS vs. left-handers since 2007, .940 vs. right-handers) and 142 strikeouts a year. He has flaws. But he’s a winning player, an all-around player who will become an even more respected face of the game in New York.

He could have owned Chicago.

I’ve got news for you Phil, they’re not overlooking his platoon differential (which is embarassingly bad, by the way).  He’s going to be sitting against lefties.  Which takes us back to our point, about how the Yankees can afford to pay a guy a shit-ton of money to share a spot on the field.

I thought the Daleys owned Chicago?  I mean they’ve had everything for sale for 50 years.

Initially the scope of playing in his hometown concerned Granderson when his name surfaced as trade bait. The response from family and friends in Chicago was overwhelming. He worried about his privacy and the demands on his time. But a source closer to Granderson said Monday “the more Curtis and I discussed it, the more comfortable we (think he would be) in Chicago.”

So what, you talked to his mom?  Hey, Mark Mulder’s from South Holland, sign him!  He can suck for a fraction of the price.  LaTroy Hawkins was from Gary and that worked out awesome, didn’t it?  And coming back to Chicago made Ron Commer a superstar.  You’re right, how could I forget?

Having seen Granderson in action, there was little doubt that he quickly would have become a clubhouse leader and a huge favorite with Chicago fans. Assuming he could maintain his level of play — maybe even improve it after collaborating with new hitting coach Rudy Jaramillo — Granderson could have been Mr. Cub for the next decade.

That clubhouse needs a leader, which is why you so love Derrek Lee and Ryan Dempster.  How’d that work out for them last year?  The biggest thing that clubhouse needs is more good baseball players.  Because if you haven’t noticed, those are the kind that win baseball games.

And the Cubs still have a Mr. Cub, and he still looks like Ronnie Woo Woo, he still wears a hat with his name on it, and he still can drive over to one of his ex-wives’ homes and see his memorabilia.

Hendry declined to speak publicly about Granderson Tuesday, calling him “somebody else’s player.” But sources indicated the Cubs had tried unsuccessfully to make this deal happen.

So what exactly is the point of this column, Phil?  That while the Cubs tried to get him, they weren’t willing to give up what the Tigers wanted (because they’re looking for an outfielder, not an ambassador to Luxembourg) and that they didn’t seem upset about not getting him?

A Cubs source said Tigers GM Dave Dombrowski was clear from the start that he wanted a majors-ready center fielder and young pitching. The Cubs had young pitchers of interest in Randy Wells and Andrew Cashner — although Hendry didn’t want to move them — but Fuld wasn’t what Dombrowski had in mind as the center fielder.

You know why the Cubs didn’t trade a young pitcher for him?  Because they need them.  Wells is their fourth starter and they’d really like for Cashner to be one of them in the next year or so.  And we’ve already covered this, Sam Fuld (despite handling lefties better than Granderson) isn’t what anybody has in mind as a center fielder.

Hendry confirmed he tried to work three-team deals to meet the Tigers’ center field need. But to get the guys Dombrowski considered to be of Jackson’s quality (tops among them the Pirates’ Jose Tabata) would have cost the Cubs shortstop prospect Starlin Castro, and Hendry could not make the puzzle pieces fit.

Sigh.

That’s because nobody thinks a 29 year old strikeout-prone, platoon outfielder is worth one of the top prospects in baseball.  The Tigers didn’t receive a player of that caliber in the trade they did make.  But it’s Hendry’s fault that he didn’t cave in and do it.

He walked away from a second chance to put Granderson in the city where he could do the most good. It’s a chance that won’t come around again, at least not until it’s too late for Chicagoans to cheer for him in his prime. That’s a shame.

I don’t even know what that means.  “The city where he could do the most good.”  It’s just more nonsense from someone who knows about nonsense.  The White Sox need a centerfielder and they didn’t unload the farm to get him.

But I agree with one thing, Phil.  It is a shame.  And it’s such a shame that I think you shouldn’t have to put up with it.  I think you should stand on principle and leave town.  We’ll all help you pack.