"The Astros defense looks a whole lot different without Everett at shortstop."

Well, a whole lot. At one position.

Ooh, but I bunt like a pro!

Hey Corey, remember me?

Hey Alou! That hit you!

We say that bat died a hero.

As promised, I’m not wearing pants.

I imagine Mariotti is doing the same.

DP, I love you

Between inning idea: Instead of a Desipio day at Wrigley, let’s have a sleep-over at Andy’s!

Was I actually wanting them to say I didn’t swing on that? Because I very much did.

I was once asked about switch hitting.

Steve,
Uh…I’m a little troubled by a pantsless man inviting himself over.

I’m going to pass.

How about if (when) the Cubs go to the Series? I’m so lonely. And I’ll wear pants.

Wheee, I’ve been bored lately!

This sucks. I’m like .200 against Oswalt.

When did I shave my goatee?

Hello! Glendon! I’m over here!

The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!

am I useful for anything?

Why is Bob Ryan umping home plate?

I’m the grandpappy of modern umping–thanks largely to my umpire school–, Dolan the Moran.

Joe, you still look like Bob Ryan.

Has any player in history hit more balls with a check swing than Moises?

I lead the league in check-swing ground outs

wasn’t i available?

Alou’s got that dippy way of checking his swing, making him more susceptible to the check-swing ground out. He drops the bat head, rather than just pulling it back like most other players.

I guess I’m not as good as Kerry Wood, after all.

not yet Jimmy

I was excited because I’m always convinced that balls hit into the outfield by the opponent’s players are going out of the yard.

What’s the over-under on Sosa strikeouts tomorrow?

Who was POTUS for the 1908 Cubs Campionship?

Reagan? He was great, I hear.

In 1980

In 2004

I typed "E-mail Chip Caray" in the good old Google-box and got a Dandy-Andy rant.

You don’t suppose the Astros watch Corey run down flyballs in that cavern out there and think, "Hey, maybe we should get a real centerfielder" do you?

I called our trainer a jackass when I had to go on the DL with blisters.

Perhaps, I’m the jackass?

I played baseball before the game with Juan Lopez’s and Jeff Kent’s kids.

Kent’s kids just stand there and bitch about every ball and strike call. Plus, the girl’s got her dad’s mustache.

Because we needed an automatic out named Rey in the lineup.

E-ramis, Dusty gave you the night off. Being 6-29 against Roy probably helped make the decision.

Beege has no range, by the way.

Beegey, I could’ve caught that!

smoke & mirrors

Be sure to come early tommorrow as kids 14 and under get a set of Jeff Kent nesting dolls!

how to turn a ground out into a two bagger – hit it to cortisone buy

FU Jobu…I do it myself!

We’re spreading to three new theaters. Today Chicagoland … tomorrow the world!

I might be ready… there goes the no home run streak

I get so excited when the other team hits homers! That never gets old!

Chip said, "You don’t want management to change their mind while you’re in mid push."

Tell me about it, Chippy.

I have no clue

Dusty, if you have to play me, could you at least hide at the bottom of the order. At leastt, Rusch has a home run this year.

Check swing anyone?

we have no speed

still present

The Astros need me out there.

Wow, I could make my own Jim Edmonds joke right here.

You’re welcome!!

I cover more ground than Biggio.

I was so totally safe, dude

I need your address to send you a bil for my computer cleaning charges.

On the replay you can see that Wendell didn’t do anything on that play. He just stood there and watched Holly run right past him. Nice work if you can get it.

I just ate Raul!

The hall of fame is calling my name

This just in. I’m still dead.

I’ll be ready to pitch just as soon as the Astros make a hat big enough for my enormous melon.

Man, we’re fugs.

How’d you like my defensive substitution. Man, I am soooo fired.

What’s with my MC Hammer pants?

We’re not completely retarded. We know Rey Ordonez can’t do shit, Chippy magic or not.

Hey! It’s me!

I may be a slight improvement over Ordonez (if I bat with my eyes closed)

Here I come, bitches!!

It was a good idea, E-Ram. Who knew the old man would get to one?

Chip just said that the Beege is "a very aggressive, swinging, leadoff man."

I’m pretty sure he wanted a comma between swinging and leadoff.

Rey, dude. I believe, man. I believe you should head back to Iowa, dude.

I like to say "sum total" a lot. Even though the sum is the total.

Mark, Kerry, Gregg and Carlos, let me show you how its done

If Jimy brings out Dotel to pitch the ninth, he gets fired before the end of the inning. Octavio threw almost 75 pitches from Sunday to Tuesday and we watched his arm fall off Tuesday night.

Don’t do it Jimy! We need you in that dugout!

Unless the replacement is Gene Lamont and then…who gives a rat’s ass?

I’m pitching the ninth!

Grab some bench, ‘Stros!

Yes, I said, "Patterson’s got AT LEAST three." I’m a tad bit optimistic.

This is what Lee and Patterson are supposed to be doing. Makes a huge difference.

I’m starting to come around

It’s you, Corey!

Did anyone catch Mac, Jurko, and Harry talking about us today?

All of you who thought I was going to happen, take a step forward…

Not so fast, anyone.

What does a Cubs win have in common with liquid from a bong?

Knock, knock, knock

Who’s that right behind us?

It can’t be the Cubs, they just played seven games in Anaheim and Houston.

Oh, crap.

Who needs a postgame show?

Who ever thought the day would come when you didn’t want the Cubs to play on WGN?

I hate me.

I think I’ve got an inning in me. Put me in, coach.

That’s Jeff’s batting glove.

Coward.

Someone wanna grab the fork sticking out of my back?

Bagwell swung. And even if he didn’t, Brinkman already cost us a run tonight. We’re even.

I call me ass the "dish."

Janie Lane with the HR…Where’s my cherry pie?

that was the weakest home run swing i have ever seen

how huge am I

I’m behind 4-1, 8th inning. Man on 3rd, 1 out.

Got an order from Chicago for The juice-drink box.

You know its funny, but I do not think I have been here before

To: Oakland Athletics
cc: National League Central
From: Johnnie B. (Dusty) Baker, Jr.
Re: Rotation

Friday: Railsplitter
Saturday: Franchise
Sunday: Lawnmower

Oh, and Glendon Rusch — no, really — is 4-1 as a replacement for our fifth starter.

Good luck.

Sincerely,

Dusty

Last time Houston was swept — period.

Anyone else here get the feeling the first 10 weeks of the season was the Cubs spotting the rest of the division a few games?

By the Break, for the first time this season, the Cubs will be constituted as they were intended to be at the start of Spring Training.

We will run away from the pack like Road Runner from Wile E. Coyote…

Yes sir, I’ve lost my lawnmower can you help me find it?

Come on, Goodwin, I could’ve grounded out on the first pitch, too.

Good start.

I’m skurred of the Lawnmower

I will mow down Jeff Ragweed if he comes up to bat against me tonight!

Ragwell?

Bagwell?

Whatever!

I love you Beege. I know you got that double for me.

3 out – sit down pornstash!

IT’S GETTING BREEZY IN HERE!

I LET BEEGE GET A HIT JUST TO TEASE YOU ALL! THAT’S ALL YOU GET TONIGHT! I HOPE YOU LIKED IT!

Now, I go shout in my glove for a few minutes.

It’s my Birthday!!
I can’t wait for Rodger to give me my present tonight…

What the hell was I talking about when I said tomorrow is "a battle of the hitting coaches?"

Then, Fox lost sound for 20 blissful seconds.

we own all the box seats behind the screen

Let’s see if I can keep my scrub hot streak going here.

I AM CUB SCRUB OF THE MOMENT!

There’s your run Lawnmower

Take a picture Cub fans, it’s the only time i’ll do this all year!

i hit one first, Bako buys dinner

Why are we having some big team meeting?

Uh oh!

Uh oh!

Wheee, hitting is fun!

This Just in….
I’m on a hot streak

I’m at 58 pitches. the Cubs don’t try to run up counts, do they?

Obviously, I’m the pinch-hitting secret weapon later

Damn is not a very Christian word. I’m a role model!

I’m catching that.

Is Chip the only guy in the world who says the word "bopper?"

How’d you like the Carlos "Kent Tekulve" fastball? Wicked.

Sit down, Pornstache.

I thought we could pull off the bases loaded, 1 out trick

holy shit

The Cubs are huge fans

I’m disqualifying myself from the Aflac question because I think I know the answer. Of course, I did that Sunday in Anaheim and I was completely fucking wrong.

God, am I a tool.

Last Cubs NL batting champ

Me in 1980.

Think they’ll bring up the ground ball and Steve Bartman?

And a haircut.

I hit .400 in 1993. You can look it up.

#67, he just pointed to the sky like he does everytime he walks off the field.

I didn’t see any histrionics after the K. Of course I was running to the fridge for a beer. But I think the notable thing about the K was that Carlos went down submarine style on the fastball to strike out the Pornmaster.

Offense on the way, with my 2nd homer! Or maybe I will try for the cycle!

I thought Z was less animated than he often is after strike outs. maybe something happened after they went to commercial.

I hit a home run against the Cards today, just like Ramon!

I’m down here in case a drug dealer tries to kidnap Morgan Ensberg, again.

(end of obsequious Outside the Lines reference)

Chip, you can’t even dent my cup.

My double wasn’t with 2 outs. Chip is a moran. He’s so in love with 2 out magic, he pretends all hits occur with 2 outs.

Don’t forget every ball called a strike is taken right down the middle. Nobody ever hits the corners.

hey, i caught one!

Carlos,
Just get two more outs. I’ll take it from here.

"Me fail English? That’s unpossible."

Remember when I called this old Astro "Viz-kai-awn-oh"? I was awesome.

"tough sledding for the hitters tonight"

No Jimmy, Sit down. Didn’t your momma ever tell you that you’d get stomach aches relief pitching after eating a pizza you didn’t pay for last night?

The Astros bats are sleeping. Just don’t make any sudden sounds.

what the hell did I just swing at?

Has anyone ever run a bad joke into the ground more than Chip?

Steve: "The forecast is for showers tonight."

Chip: "And dark."

Steve: "Yeah, fair to partly dark."

Chip: "With some sun at 5:46 tomorrow morning or so."

Andy: "Let’s see if I can stick this pencil through both ears?"

I’m walking, bitch!

on this date in 1956, The Cubs traded Lou Brock to The St. Louis Cardinals.

That worked out pretty well didn’t it?

BRB, gotta take a piss.

that was my second walk of the year

Tom,
That’s two more walks than I’ve got.

I just missed a ball thigh high in the middle of the plate. Just getting you guys ready for Sammy to come back.

We get the Ilinois season ticket commericial down here, and they have a season ticket holder speaking and he calls memorial stadium the most beautiful stadium in the US. God bless our Illini. When you struggle you struggle.

Commercial… god bless I quit.

Where’s Jimmy?

What, one isn’t enough?

Kidd, I unfortunately have had to join you in the indignity of having to watch some of those commercials here in East Central Illinois.

Sad, just sad…

"I think Lee is solely responsible for Aramis Ramirez only having three errors this year."

Solely? Aramis gets no credit?

Zambrano is pissed.

Andy, is that what you mean by Aramis deserves some credit?

I liked that one

We will not win tonight.

Did I pop out on the first pitch at each at-bat tonight?

Who the phuck cares.

Man, we suck that these coming back from a 1 run deficient games.

Well, we still have six outs… Right?

Um, three outs now.

just throwing some gas on the fire

did I just work out of a jam?

This is brought to you by Prilosec. 24 hours. Zero heartburn. One annoying ad.

My God, BC…Is your satellite delay 5 minutes?

You posted that AFTER Biggio struck out.

Don’t stink up the place, Aramis.

anyone looking for me?

Oh, crap! Sosa’s back in two days. How the hell does Dusty bench Hollandsworth?

That means ME!

I hope that Farnsworthless won’t be pitching the 9th. I’d hate to see him lose another one.

I’m getting pizza tonight

Have an ambulance waiting outside for me just in case!

Hells ya.

Wow, tonight is my night!

Rally killer

I am doing an interview in the locker room while the game is still being played.

What’s new with this one again? Runners left on base for Korey is skyrocketing. When Sammy comes back, this kid needs more then just one benchsitting lesson. Let’s make him sit there so long his ass hurts badly enough to go on the DL for a good while. Maybe get off the DL around the end of October.

3 Ks for me!

My son has all the RBIs tonight.

Huge game. Maddux going tomorrow.

sit down bitches!

Let’s see, was that Tom Goodwin that started that 9th inning ralley? Let’s see, was that Korey Patterson that killed the ralley in the 9th inning?
By no means am I saying Tom Goodwin is a superstar and should be our starting centerfielder. But you have Patterson in that spot in the 9th in a big game like this one tonight, and the Cubs simply don’t win. Need I say more.

I’m with you all the way. But you know when Sammy comes back, Hollandsworth won’t be in center. It will be Baker’s little bitch Korey.

One thing about winning tonight, Farnsworthless gets the win. Carlos pitched a descent game besides a couple bad walks, and a worthless, sorry ass bastard like that gets the credit for it. At least Kyle won’t be available tomorrow night. He’ll be out party and trying to hit on the ladies. I’m sure he will be puking in the dugout trying to recover from a hangover. WORTHLESS.

61% of people who actually vote in those Gail & Dave Otto polls like me over Grudzlfjsdlk…hahaha!

Hello 5th place! Well, we can’t get down on ourselves, gotta keep looking up. Oh, speaking of looking up, there’s the Brewers!

You all fail to overlook who TIED the game for us…ARAMIS
And who made that great catch that ended the inning which kept us close to within 1….ARAMIS
Fu*k all of you who diss him…you dont know sh*t

I promise not to put on Mark Prior’s jersey and pitch for him this time.

I’m hitting 2nd. Why use Ordonez against the only pitcher he can actually hit, right?

My fat stomach allows me to strike people out. They pay attention to it not he ball.

Didn’t you get the memo! I’m a physical specimen!

Roger,
You didn’t get this memo you’re fat
Signed,
Your Doctor

I have a noticeable erection for Adam Everett, don’t we?

I’ll run for Everett. The pansy.

I said that #13 because you’re like a cross at shortstop of Alex Cora and Tippy Martinez!

Why do Steve and Chip think it’s a "terrible" thing that an opponent is hurt? I’m not saying you have to come out and gloat over it. Just be quiet.

One down, 24 to go, as far as I’m concerned.

Oh, and if you ask Fat Lance, he’ll tell you that The Franchise has some serious **** tonight.

Serious Gas? Oh wait thats Pat hughes

Serious gas, serious s***, it’s all the same to me.

Either way, you need to change your shorts.

This is just too easy.

Chip: "When Pettitte signed with Houston, Clemens wanted to come along for the ride."

And I’m just going to say this once tonight. Fat Roger NEVER RETIRED! How can you retire if you play in the last game of the 2004 season and then show up for spring training?

I just said, "fist city!" You can tell the Beege and I are in the same city this week. ;)

"Clemens has tremendous stuff."

WHACK!

Lee doubles off the wall.

Wheeee

K

Who is even available to pitch for the Cubs?

I’m available to walk a guy or two if needed. But if I’m not gonna pitch let me know, so I can start drinking now.

Wheee! Go hubby!

Oh my god

I am the first Commish, ever, to say "Digital rectal."

Screw you Roger

Did Steve say, "I’ve been tested several times. Today."??

My former employer!

Rbi single

Millken is not a crook.

I’m in da’ house!

I’m here for a Roger Clemens..

Does Steve really think other teams’ fans actually like Roger?

Seriously?

Doesn’t everybody hate that fat bastard?

R. Clettitte looks kinda like Reuschel.

Paul Reuschel.

Hey Sloth, have you started stalking the Olsens yet?

Here I come!

We mean "eyebrow."

The olsen twins were so 3 years ago

im so this year

I suck

It’s the hill, okay?! Beegey rocks!

Hahahaha, the 1 out magic to up to me!

If I give up a hit to Bako, I’m retiring right now.

Anybody else notice that in Chip and Steve’s discussion of potential NL starting pitchers in the All-Star game, neither guy mentioned a Cub?

It’s not like Zambrano or Clement would deserve it, eh?

Guh.

Roger, you give up a hit to him, and I’ll retire you.

looks really nervous about Corey

Clettitte’s a nut. Why be nervous with me and Prior up next?

I meant Gabor

Gabor Bako. What an abomination. Even the friggin pitcher can hit a fly ball, but our Gabor?

And what about Baker the moron? Your two fastest guys on base, 1st and 3rd, 1 out. You know Bako is a worthless POS. Why the hell don’t you do a safety squeeze? Huh?? Run gets in–a valuable run against a quality pitcher like Fat Roger, and you know Prior won’t go the distance. Plus, you’d have Corey on 2nd so if Prior gets lucky with a hit, you bring in yet another.

But oh no, Johnnie B. lets Gabor flail away as always. It is so frustrating.

Why the hell can’t we go get a backup catcher that can hit major league pitching, like Toby Hall from Tampa or Kelly Stinnett from KC? Crap, how about the rotting corpse of Barry Foote, I don’t care, anyone but Gabor.

Gabor’s my buddy, and he stays!

Shut up, you hillbilly Astro fans.

Chip referred to me. Big shock.

When does batting practice end?

Lee and Walker, the two guys that have been getting the most crap (not counting Patterson) has done their job of late. Go Cubs!!

You just did, ashwipe.

I get the girls like Shatner, but they get scared of the ears like my bro.

Huh?

Not so fast, we’re still a factor somewhere in this game!

Sorry guys

That’s the Korey I remember!

And hate…

Hey, this is great progress, though!

Natch.

If Clettitte had made contact, I’d let him reach again, so all that baserunning would wear the old man out.

Who had 8:47 in the dumbass Chip will say "Prior has struck out too many men?" pool?

They’re on to you.

It still makes no sense. But it’s less scary than Roger and Debbie’s "hot couple" pic.

I kill Roger Clettite

Is that Eddie Van Halen on the right?

The bullpen is coming…duhn duhn duhn!

…from the Cubs’ pen.

Prior’s at 90. He’s done after this inning.

Is that per inning?

Jimmy’s coming IN!

Wrong. There’s no SANDWICH big enough for Anderson.

What you meant is that no LEAD is SAFE.

Hey, we didn’t even like Clettitte when he played for Boston.

Outs you will get, Jimmy.

There is no try, only do or do not.

Stop chewing on that it’s a walking stick not a a friggin’ chew toy.

The Wife just said the chick next to Van Halen looks like an AO Pi Sorority Sister from UCSD!

Jimmy, our agreement was for two hitters, not two innings.

Kent, grounder to short.
Bagwell, grounder to short.
Vizcaino, ball, ball, wild pitch, ball.

Grab your ankles, tubby.

This is the dumbest thing Chip has ever said (and that encompasses a lot).

"When you come back from a long road trip, it’s like playing another road game because you have to get used to your surroundings after being gone so long."

No, dumbass. No.

Somebody get me John McDonough’s phone number, stat!

Bye!

Nice to see that Kirk Bullinger has his big brother’s ears.

The name of the game is not "Throwing the Ball a 100 mph", which is too bad, because that’s quite catchy!

throw Chip out the window

We just let you know who Steve Bartman is and what happened to that baseball.

Did you know they blew it up?

Do we know why Rey Ordonez changed numbers to 29? Is there a famous 13 who the Cubs have traded for?

Is it…

a) Jeff "The Troll" Fassero
b) Neil Allen
c) Rick Mirer
d) Luc Longley

Actually, at his current pace, Rey is on track to get 13 hits in 500 at bats. He’s hoping to bump it up to 29 hits in 500 at bats.

Dare to dream.

i like sausage pizza….extra cheese

Come on Dolan, how could you miss the best Chip-ism of the weekend? In Sunday’s game, Chip informed us that the ANAHEIM Rams used to play in Angels Stadium. Really?

1. It was always the LA Rams, never anything else.

2. They played in the Colisseum.

3. Chip is a raging dumbass that knows nothing.

Please Dolan, use all your clout (!) to get this freak out of Chicago. Let him clean up after the gay bath house parties in Houston with Milo. But not on WGN anymore, please, my ears hurt.

You might check your spelling of me

How long til Chip and Steve start harping on MY pitch count?

No, but I bet it does to me.

168, you’re right. I started swearing at the TV yesterday when he called them the Anaheim Rams. I’m so used to there being GameCasts for these games that when there isn’t, I don’t note the worst ones.

All I remember about Chippy yesterday was the Anaheim Rams, him giving the freakin’ time every hour on the hour (and sometimes more often) and his Arby’s joke.

Chip: "Derrek Lee’s streak of reaching base in ten consecutive at bats ends with that ground out. He’s 2-4 tonight."

What?

You’re mostly right. The LA rams played in the Anaheim stadium for 15 years. 1979-1994

Chuck:
I got distracted by a visit from a "comedian." We’ll get to Chip tomorrow.

Promise.

Send me some positive vibes, my first Cub homer has to come sometime!

Andy:

I even had all three of Ivychat’s readers primed! I’M HOLDING YOU TO IT.

What was that that Bako just did?

Hey, a walk is my version of 2 out magic.

How will Jimmy Anderson fare in the eighth, now that he’s exhausted from running 45 feet towards first?

Stay tuned!

If I suck this inning, it’s because I’m exhausted from the baserunning.

Do they just hold flashlights on me when they go back to the studio?

Beats what Korey holds against me.

Does anybody know which hotel the Cubs stay in in Houston?

Andy,
Are you gonna send them a gift?

I believe it’s the Four Seasons on Westheimer?

Hey, if Fat Jimmy gets through the 9th, does he get the save? They always used to give a save if you pitch the last 3 innings, regardless of the score. We see that happen so rarely anymore I don’t know if it’s still true or not.

Jimmy would like the save. Jimmy needs work. Jimmy needs food.

Gone with the Schwin!

Well, I’ll take that, too.

Got all of that one

ok I’m ok

I pee on the Astros. Boom!

Make it Deep Dish, Andy.

Do it anyway

Let me finish first, before you distract me with promises of pizza, okay?

Jimmy says I wish I were only 220

Before this ends (hopefully soon) was I dreaming when Steve went through his empassioned defense of the Cubs coaching staff a couple innings ago? It sounded like he was going to cry.

Did I dream that?

My daddy is wearing my necklace.

I have a picture of it

MMMMMM,pizza

No 10-0 for you, biotch!

google for jimmys pizza

Damn, I should’ve tried coming back when Walker was still in his 999th hit slump…

Actually, we put that pizza on ice. Jimmy can scarf it down when he gets back from drinking the 8 pitchers of Heineken that I’m springing for.

Man, Dolan didn’t give me and the rest of the Marchelloni’s delivery crew squat back in the day. Of course, we knew he was cheap and always put a little Visine in the sauce that came with his cheese nuggets as our way of saying thanks….

The March had beer nuggets AND cheese nuggets. If you ever had our beer nuggets, you’d understand why people preferred our cheese nuggets.

I actually preferred Pizza Villa’s nuggets to anyone else’s, even though Sgt. Peppers claimed to have invented (and perfected) them.

Lukolo’s sucked, btw. That whole Jungle stripmall blows. And Don Roth was the worst politician in DeKalb history. And Pagliai’s "all you can eat" pizza always turned into "all you can crap" just a few hours later. And the Taco Bell drivethrough window was on the passenger’s side.

Still doubting my DeKalb cred?

Lukolos’ nuggets were…and still are the best.

Hell, I might just drive down tonight to get some.

Mmmmm. Nuggets. Especially the combo with the cheese sauce and the pizza sauce.

Wow, I can’t believe you sent Jimmy Anderson a pizza. I wonder if he will get it

Right here in my pants.

This site is truly a great resource thanks for all your hard work

Go Yankees!

I’m not saying there’s nobody there, but if you go home from that game without a foul ball, you just weren’t trying.

If I go 0-4 we lose. If I go 0-5 we win!

Just remember, it’s bad luck to strike out the first batter.

Right?

Steve just said that Corey doesn’t try to hit homers against lefties.

Pardon me while I laugh so hard that I leak urine.

My TV is broken. This one showed Corey drawing a walk.

Seriously, what are the odds that Pettitte and Clemens haven’t had sex at least once? Would you take that bet? Would you? You bet you wouldn’t.

Steve says that "Everett is just short of a magician at second." The magician made a big error in the Brewers final Saturday loss to Milwaukee.

If he’s a magician he’s no Doug Henning.

Whoops.

Fine, I killed the rally. But it’s still Macias’ fault.

Have I ever played left field in this park before?

I honestly thought the first pitcher to get on his knees tonight would be Clettitte.

My range at short is excellent.

For a cadaver.

I’ll play for Ramon! Just call me up

Hollandsworth is leading off the second. Guess he didn’t make the last out of the first on a week grounder to Pornstache after all.

1. Orlando
2. Clippers
3. Bulls

Count how many times tonight I…start a sentence and have a long pause because I have no idea how to finish it.

That never gets…

…

…

…

old.

18 consecutive scoreless innings.

Is that good?

Shit, that hurt.

Honestly, we talk about how many players are on the DL, but other than Wood, Prior and Sammy, do we really care if Tom Goodwin, Todd Wellemeyer, Alex Gonzalez or Kent Mercker are on the DL? Honestly.

Am I sleepy? How can I not field that?

"Ryan Dempster could be back around July."

Around July? The first or the 31st, there’s kind of a difference there Chippy.

"65 Million people voted for American Idol!"

That’s actually 1423 people and three chronic masturbators who wrote a computer program to scramble our phone bank.

I’m aging rather well, aren’t I?

Great, Chip just picked up on the scoreless innings thing. Now he can bleet on about that for a while.

Can you put me back up?

The Cubs Suck…Any other news?

Diana DiGarmo isn’t missing many meals is she?

Clay Aiken just said "erected" and now I’m extremely uncomfortable.

Holy crap, I am unbelievably bad. Just horrific.

Who wants to bet that Ordonez is playing short in game one on Friday?

Greg Maddux, you aren’t good enough anymore to let guys run all over your ass.

I love it when the other team hits homers. I just get all giddy!

So am I.

a 1-2-3 inning for Clettite the rest of the night.

This is bad

So I pretty much went from scrub to the Cubs #3 starter with one start, huh?

Make that the staff ace for a week or two…

They ar elying about Wellemeyer – he’s out for the season. That Dusty just over uses his pitchers.
Lies, Lies, Lies.

Gee, I guess this won’t be win #293

Good point Andy

Hey, anybody see that thing on ESPN last weekend about the time in spring training a few years back that Aaron Miles and I got mugged and held hostage by some drug dealers?

We can’t even overcome a 1-0 deficient, how the hell are we gonna do anything 4 runs down? Time to lie down and play dead again.

Of course we do I play for the Redhawks

I’m a pretty bad coach, huh? Look at Walker, for instance. Wasn’t he really hard to strike out last year, and doesn’t he have 5 k’s in the last 2 or 3 games now? Either he suddenly forgot how to hit, or since the rest of the hitters sucks too, I’m just the worst hitting coach in the world.

"Greg Maddux replaces Shaun Estes." – written back in March.

True in May.

OH MY GOD A SINGLE!

I enjoy walking. I enjoy anything that’s passive.

We saw this movie last night.

Two thumbs down.

I’m on again on HBO right now. Perhaps I’s cans takes Patterson for ya’s tonite instead of Adrian?

Holy crap, we scored!

Did anybody else just notice that Wendell Kim gets in the worst possible spot behind third base to try and signal to the runner? He might as well just hide his midget ass right behind the bag.

Look, guys, it’s not just me, okay? At this rate, we’re going to need a lot more sucks-o-meters.

Perhaps I should have made that option for 2007 vest at 300 innings instead of 400?

Maybe 200?

Maybe 150?

I’m selling at 100.