Jim McMahon and Dennis McKinnon

If you haven’t heard, this is the 100th anniversary of the Chicago Bears, or Decatur Staleys, or whatever they’ve ever been.  They were “born” in 1919 when Vag McCaskey was a plucky little nine year old named Ginny Halas.1 To celebrate the anniversary and to sell tickets to their fan celebration last weekend, the Bears enlisted legendary Tribune Bears writer Don Pierson and The Athletic’s Dan Pompei to do the impossible and rank the 100 greatest Bears of all-time.  I can’t imagine how hard that had to be, and far be it from me to criticize anything on their list.

But what fun would that be?  Let’s make fun of their list!  Today, we start with numbers 100 through 76.

100. Patrick Mannelly, LS, 1998-2013
Oh, come on. They managed the ruin the list with the first guy.  I get it.  Mannelly played more games than any other Bear, and he was a top notch long snapper for 16 years, but come on.  If he’s the 100th best player in franchise history, no wonder they’ve only won one Super Bowl.  Literally, the only things you’ll ever remember about him were that he had a mullet, he was really good at playing catch upside down and he got a radio show and quit it as quickly as he could.

99. Doug Plank, S, 1975-1982
My older brother and my dad loved Doug Plank.  He retired when I was a little kid, so I, like a lot of you only know him from the fact that Buddy Ryan “named” his defense after Doug’s jersey number.  When I asked my dad what was so great about him he would go on these five minute monologues about Plank nailing dudes with, or without, the ball who dared go across the middle, and how many running backs he blew up.  There was no talk of game-saving, or game-changing plays, just a slow white dude annihilating other guys.  That’s so Bear.

98. Trace Armstrong, DE, 1989-1994
Trace was among the first of the wave of players with the unfortunate assignments of having to start replacing guys from the ’85 team.  He was a productive defensive end, he had weird first name and my buddy Wheels and I saw him after a game and his wife was smokin’ hot.  That’s pretty much all I have.

97. Bobby Joe Green, P, 1962-1973
By his placement on the list we’re supposed to believe he was the best pure punter in Bears’ history.  Whatever.  Could he pretend to play the cowbell like Maury Buford?  You bet your ass he couldn’t.

96. Eddie Jackson, S, 2017 – present
I love Eddie and I think he’s going to be a very good player for a long time.  To put him on this list after two seasons is ludicrous.

Larry Morris

95. Larry Morris, LB, 1959-1965
By all accounts, Larry was a badass, and he was the MVP of the ’63 NFL Championship game (photo above). He also was convinced in the Savings and Loan scandals of the ’80s and ’90s and likely had CTE. Wow, that took a quick, dark turn, didn’t it?

94. Jim Dooley, E, 1952-1954, 1956-1957, 1959-1962
Dooley played both offense and defense for the Bears (which was not uncommon) and put up decent offensive numbers. He missed two and a half years serving in the Air Force during the Korean War.  He’s best remembered for being the guy who replaced George Halas the first time he retired as head coach in 1968, and so, Dooley was the first head coach the Bears ever fired.

93. Herman Lee, T, 1958-1966
Herman Lee was a 23rd(!) round draft pick and played nine years for the Bears.  For some reason even though they drafted him he played his rookie year for the Steelers.  Maybe he just drove to the wrong training camp? Really seems like the criteria for this pick was that he started at tackle for a long time and was on the 1963 team.  Sure, whatever.

92. Bill Omanski, FB, 1939-1943, 1946-1947
Omanski was the other Bears first round pick in 1939 after some guy named Sid Luckman.  He played on four Bears’ NFL championship teams and led the league in rushing in his rookie year with a whopping 699 yards. He missed two seasons thanks to World War II and became a dentist after he retired.  You can only imagine how fucked up his hands were after playing fullback in the 40s. I’m sure it was fun to have those mangled things jammed halfway down your throat.

91. Bob Wetoska, T, 1960-1969
Sure, why not?

90. Beattie Feathers, HB, 1934-1939
Beattie was the first player in NFL history rush for 1,000 yards in a season when he did it as a rookie in 1934 and averaged 8.4 yards per carry in the process.  He was named to the NFL’s all-decade team for the 1930s.  But he never ran for more than 350 yards in any other season, and was actually pretty bad every year but his rookie season.  I honestly think he’s on this list because it’s fun to say “Beattie Feathers.”

89. Mike Pyle, C, 1961-1969
I remember Mike Pyle mostly for doing radio postgame after Bears games.  He is yet another on this list who played on the ’63 team, but the most interesting thing about him is his connection to mob enforcer Tony Accardo.  Accardo was part of Al Capone’s crew and earned the nickname Joey Batters (from Capone himself) for bashing the head in of a “rat” during dinner one night.  It was the inspiration for this scene in The Untouchables. 

Mike Pyle’s brother, Palmer, married Marie Accardo, the daughter of Joey Batters.  They had two kids, one of whom, Eric, took the name of Marie’s second husband, Ernest Kumerow.  Eric Kumerow played for the Bears in 1991, and is the brother in law of John Bosa, the father of Nick and Joey Bosa.  Got all that?  Good, .

88. Joey Sternaman, QB/K, 1922-1925, 1927-1930
Oh, who the fuck knows?  For chrissakes, the football was still round in the ’20s.

87. Luke Johnsos, E, 1929-1936
He seems to be on the list because Red Grange once said he was, “one of the best ends in the league and a great pass receiver.” Wow. There were like six teams back then.  Lots of ends to choose from, Red. He coached for 32 years with the Bears, so that’s, something.

86. Allan Ellis, CB, 1973-1977, 1979-1980
Allan was the first-ever Bears cornerback to make the Pro Bowl when he was named in 1977, ending a very long streak of them having really shitty corners, which they started again in 1978.

Jay Cutler

85. Jay Cutler, QB, 2009-2016
This was the first choice leaked when the Bears started releasing the list last month and people lost their shit.  But the fact remains that the Bears have had a ton of shitty quarterbacks and Jay isn’t one of them.  He wasn’t as good as we all hoped when they traded two first rounders in 2009, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good quarterback. His biggest issues were his propensity to throw mind-numbing interceptions, the fact the Bears could never protect him and he got hit in the head a lot, tearing his knee up in the 2011 NFC Championship Game and not having the savvy to lie on the ground to “prove” to the meatballs he was really hurt, and leading the league every year in giving the “whatever” face.  His biggest misfortune that he wasn’t a decade younger and starting his Bears’ career right now with Matt Nagy.  Is it embarrassing that he wasn’t great and he’s probably the second most talented Bears’ QB of all-time? You bet your ass it is.

84. Tom Thayer, G, 1985-1992
Long before he was telling you about the piping on the Bears uniforms every week on the radio broadcast, Thayer was a part of the legendary Bears’ offensive line of the mid- to late-80s.  To be honest, that line is legendary because Jim Covert and Jay Hilgenberg were awesome, they won a Super Bowl, they blocked for Walter Payton and this poster:

Thayer was drafted by the Bears in 1983, but they didn’t know the Chicago Blitz of the USFL had also taken him.  The Blitz offered him more money and he played three seasons in the USFL, but only one in Chicago.  The Blitz traded everything but their name, logo and uniforms to Arizona after their first season.  Seriously, players, coaches, front office people, everything.  That league was a complete shitshow, and you should read Jeff Pearlman’s book about it 2 Thayer played 18 games for the Arizona Outlaws in 1985, then 19 more for the Bears.  That can’t be good for anybody.

83. Willie Gault, WR, 1983-1987
There was a time when every NFL team just signed one sprinter for their receiving corps, whether they could play football or not. Willie was the one the Bears’ signed and he was really fucking fast.  He made the 1980 US Olympic Track and Field team but that was the year they boycotted the Moscow Games.  While never a great player, Willie was one of the better “fast guys” in the NFL.  He led the Bears in receiving in 1985, had 129 receiving yards in the Super Bowl, and caught one of the touchdown passes in the Thursday Night Football game that year when Jim McMahon talked his way into the game and shocked the Vikings.  More importantly (for Willie anyway) he was the brains behind, and organizer of, the Super Bowl Shuffle.  After his career ended with the Raiders in 1993, he became an actor, starring in the all-time cinematic masterpiece S.W.A.T. with Colin Farrell, Jeremy Renner, Samuel L. Jackson and LL Cool J as “Newscaster #2.”  During his playing days he talked about eventually going to Hollywood which prompted McMahon’s famous line in his autobiography, “He wants to be an actor. He’s just stopping off in Chicago, playing his latest role as a football player.”

82. George Blanda, QB/K, 1949-1958
Blanda played the first nine years of his 26-year career (seriously, he played 26 years) for the Bears.  He played for Bear Bryant at Kentucky–that’s how long ago that was–and didn’t become the starter at quarterback until 1953.3 He led the league in attempts and completions and threw 14 touchdowns, but also 23 interceptions.  Blanda got hurt the next season and spent most of his career with the Bears at kicker, so it makes no sense that he’s on this list at all.  He’s one of the Oilers/Titans’ top 100 for sure, but not the Bears.  But he did have this gem of a quote about George Halas, “He was too cheap to even buy me a kicking shoe.”

81. Brandon Marshall, WR 2012-2014
Marshall’s 2012 season is probably the best ever by a Bears’ wide receiver (118 catches, 1508 yards, 11 touchdowns) and he followed it up in the 2013 with 100 catches for 1295 yards and 12 TDs, he was hurt in 2014 and then gone. The fact that two great seasons gets you on this list is a testament to how terrible the Bears’ offense has been for the last 60 years or so.  Short stints were the norm for Marshall, who played for six teams in his 12 year career.  He was a great power/speed combination and was also really good at throwing tantrums, especially in the locker room at halftime and right after the game.

80. Alshon Jeffery, WR, 2012-2016
Alshon also had two good seasons for the Bears, and one of them (2013) actually coincided with one of Marshall’s, and the Bears went 8-8.  Oh, well. The Bears got him in the second round of the 2012 draft because teams were worried he was going to get fat.  He didn’t.  He did, however, serve a four game PED suspension for the Bears in his last season in Chicago.  So there’s that.

79. Dennis McKinnon, WR, 1983-1985, 1987-1989
McKinnon was undrafted out of Florida State and turned out to be an excellent punt returner and dependable wide receiver.  Here’s a sad stat for you.  He and Gault are tied for most Bears’ postseason games with a TD catch at…three.  Ugh.  One of the coolest moments of McKinnon’s career was after missing the post-Super Bowl season with a knee injury, he returned a punt 94 yards for a touchdown in the Monday Night Football opener against the Giants in 1987.

78. Donnell Woolford, CB, 1989-1996
At the time he bolted the Bears for Pittsburgh after the 1996 season, Donnell was the Bears’ all-time leading interceptor with 32.  The 11th pick in the 1989 draft out of Clemson, he was pressed into duty as a rookie and was the subject of one of Mike Ditka’s most infamous postgame rants.  After the Bears lost 38-14 to the Redskins to drop to 6-6, Ditka said Woolford couldn’t cover anybody and that he didn’t know if the Bears would win another game.  Woolford went on to a very productive career, but Ditka was right about something.  The Bears didn’t win another game that year.

77. Bennie McRae, DB, 1962-1970
McRae was a running back at Michigan, but the Bears took him in the second round in 1962 and converted him to corner.  He intercepted 27 passes in his nine years in Chicago and the four he returned for touchdowns were the most in team history at the time.  He was traded to the Giants in 1971 for the third pick in the draft, and the Bears took SIU tackle Lionel Antoine.  Oh, well.

76. JC Caroline, DB, 1956-1965
Caroline led the nation in rushing as a sophomore at Illinois, but was academically ineligible after his junior season, so he actually played a full Canadian Football League season before the Bears drafted him in the seventh round in 1956.  He started that season with the Toronto Argonauts at defensive back, but they waived him and he ended up playing halfback for the Montreal Alouettes.  He played 10 years for the Bears and intercepted 24 passes, played on the 1963 NFL champions and intercepted the first pass Johnny Unitas ever threw in the NFL and returned it for a touchdown.  Up yours, Johnny U.

The ones they got wrong

Having a long snapper on the list is ridiculous (100 – Mannelly) shouldn’t Brad Maynard have been on the list at 99 as best holder? Having a second year safety on the list is weird, no matter how good we think he’s going to be (96 – Jackson) and the George Blanda pick seems fine until you look at how little he actually played for the Bears.

 

Here are those annoying footnotes.

  1. I’m not completely sure about her age, but it feels right.
  2. The league had promise, but Donald Trump fucked it up. The book is worth it for the quotes about him from other owners alone.
  3. He played linebacker for the Bears in 1951–comparing anything pre-1960 to today’s NFL is a joke. It’s basically a different sport.