Like Uncle Billy after his drunken fall into the garbage cans on his way home in It’s a Wonderful Life you can practically hear Kerry Wood yelling, “I’m all right, I’m ALL right!” in the background.
Nice of Paul Sullivan to drop by yesterday, apparently.
The Hank White Fan Club presents another update to our “I resent the inference…” feature.
For the last two seasons, whenever Notre Dame has needed a big win to cement their place in the NCAA tournament, they’ve lost. Nice.
The Bulls’ seem to have bounced back from Luol Deng’s injury and Eddy Curry made a rare productive appearance in the fourth quarter last night in Portland. But the end belonged to Kurt Hinrich and Tyson Chandler. Tyson can be friggin’ unbelievable on defense at times, and he was last night down the stretch.
The Crazy Argentinian is stepping up.
Skip Myslenski points out that if the Big Ten isn’t great this year, nobody else really is either.
The Big Ten’s NCAA Tournament experience will depend on matchups. Nobody matches up with Illinois, so that’s good. If Michigan State can play a team without guards who are adept at pressuring them (since they have no point guard) they’re tough to beat. And Wisconsin will give anybody a tough time who doesn’t have guards who can slash and shoot. Bo Ryan does a great job of designing defenses, but his guards’ defensive limitations mean that a double threat kills them. If you can only score one way, the Badgers will beat you.
What’s Mariotti putting down the doughnut for a high school game for? Does he have a little Michael Jackson in him? Does he want some?
That reminds me of a joke you need to tell a week from today. If you are Irish go around your office and ask all of the attractive women the following question, “Do you have any Irish in you?” If they say no, smile and say, “Do you want some?” If they say yes, say, “Do you want some more?” Then, pack your stuff up because Human Resources will want to see you.
Todd Walker says it’s not about the money. It’s about the championships. Then why didn’t you sign with the Yankees? You get both.
The Wizard of Roz says baseball fears embarrassment most of all. I think that’s false. Have you seen Bud Selig’s haircut? Don Fehr wears lip gloss for chrissakes. These bozos are impervious to embarrassment.
The other day I was listening to Daron Sutton and Bill Schroeder doing an exciting (not really) Brewers’ game from spring training and they were wondering if former Brewer Jeromy Burnitz would be doing the Sammy Sosa sprint out to right field at Wrigley this year. Both kind of intimated that Jeromy won’t be as fan friendly as Sammy because…and they didn’t say this, but certainly left it open for interpretation…Burnitz is an asshole. Bruce Miles says he’s a “free-spirit.”
Jayson Stark wants to know why Congress is bothering with the steroids hearing.
Intrepid reader and Spanish-yes.com baseball producer Jacob Luft says he really liked what he saw from Matt Clement. You can tell he’s not a Red Sox fan.
Don’t we think si.com added this guy’s photo to make Kelly’s hair look good?
America’s finest news source on the South Dakota high school sophomore who apparently started the headband trend.
Kerry Wood, once considered a future Cy Young Award winner, has decided to pursue a career as an outfielder, leaving the pitcher’s mound behind for good. The telling wording in a release by the Cubs was that Wood “has chosen to retire as a Major League pitcher.” He will begin working out as an outfielder immediately.
Manager Dusty Baker admitted he was “disappointed, dude.” Teammates expressed surprise.
Tomorrow’s news will be about how he ran into the wall and broke…everything.
Holy crap! I really suck!
Love the “It’s a Wonderful Life” reference. Good stuff, Mr. Potter err, I mean Mr. Dolan.
Potter’s the other guy who sits in a wheelchair, counts his money and roots for Duke.
Jimmy, that was good…
If Kerry catches diptheria, he can come see me for some poison–er, medicine. And send Todd Walker over to my pharmacy and I’ll slap his ear a few times.
Hey, how did the Rockies do last year?
Andy,
Call me.
George is here, mother and he’s making violent love to me!
–Honestly, isn’t that line a little lewd for this movie?–
Violet, your last name was Bick, you ignorant slut.
Screw you, you whore, Mary. If you weren’t so friggin’ frigid, maybe your husband wouldn’t be so inclined to do me personal favors.
Kerry Wood being a pussy yesterday was no surprise to this Cubs fan. I predicted this before the season that Kerry would be the biggest snatch on the team. He will make himself into Cub fans’ “Punching Bag or Fall Guy” this year.
That’s really great that he can have all these strikeouts but yet have his arm fall off. We might as well get ready to see both Mitre and Rusch/Dempster in the starting rotation a lot this year.
Like I said at the beginning of the year, there are two pieces of shit left from that 2001 roster(after we got rid of Sosa and Farnsworthless)-Patterson and Wood. Both of these guys will probably be included in many of the fans’ bitchfeasts this year. I already have a headache from what’s to come.
Enclosing, I believe we can still win without Kerry Wood. We proved it last year. Hopefully there will be another Rusch story to come along this year.
Go Cubs!
Baker Basher
What is Baker Basher enclosing? Cash? McDonalds coupons? What?
Thanks for your enclosure, Basher. But did you really want him to gut out a third inning in a meaningless March 9th spring training game?
This is a first. The first time two It’s a Wonderful Life characters have argued on Desipio.
Love,
Bert and Ernie
And yeah, we’re just as queer as our namesake Muppets!
I am not worried. Wood had a 3:30 pm tee time that needed attending to.
Blow it out your asses, you queers. You’re not fit for my ground-floor opportunity in plastics.
Hi Everybody! I appreciate Roland Hemond working with the University of Phoenix to make sure baseball players get educated. That was my safety school if I didn’t get into Upstairs Medical College.
Whatssa mattah, Sam? Youah dinnt giva us da “hee-haw.”
I realize the Cubs played an American League team yesterday, but that does not necessarily mean it was a World Series game. That being the case, it was a good idea for Wood to leave if things weren’t quite right.
If he had tried to pitch through the stiffness and suffered a long-term injury, Baker Basher, et al. would have roasted him for not being smart enough to come out of an exhibition game.
Cash register rings.
Karry: Ooh, good. Somebody JUST made it.
Andy: Huh?
Karry: Every time a bell rings, it means some angel just got his wings.
Andy (looking at Nick the bartender): Ah, look, uh, Karry, I don’t think you better talk about angels
around here.
Karry: Why? Don’t they believe in angels?
Andy: Oh, yeah, they believe in them, but, you know, it’s just, uh–
Karry: Then why should they be surprised when they see one?
Andy: Well, ummm (to Nick). Ah, don’t mind him, Nick. He’s just a little fella – he just never grew up. How old are ya, anyway, Clarence?
Karry: Two hundred ninety three, next May
Nick: THAT does it. Out you two pixies go, through the door, or out the win
Andy: Nick?!? What’s wrong.
Nick: That’s another thing. Where do you come off calling me Nick?
Andy: Well, Nick, that’s your NAME!
Nick: What’s that got to do with it? I don’t know you from Adam.
cubs.com has the new team mugshots up.
go see sergio mitre’s. now.
Seriously.
The only difference between George Bailey and me is that if they came to tell me that Mr. Bailey (the dad) had had a stroke they’d have a hard time finding me because I’d have jumped into Mary’s bush when her bathrobe fell off.
You can read that however you want.
Gotta agree with Johnny.
Sergio looks like he’s going to be tying damsels to the railroad tracks starting any day now.
Sergio kind of looks like Mark Ruffalo in “Collateral.”
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/team/player.jsp?player_id=429901
Not in a good way.
George Bailey = Joe Borowski
(Likeable everyman, ordinary average guy without whom, everything falls apart)
Harry Bailey = Mark Prior
(Hero, goes on to great success)
Nick the Bartender = Michael Barrett
(Always wants to fight)
Old Man Gower = Greg Maddux
(Old, whithered, but a helluva guy)
Clarence = Jim Hendry
(Guardian angel, has magical powers)
Uncle Billy = Dusty Baker
(Nutty; teeters between buffoon and life of the party)
Burt the Cop = Todd Walker
(Shoots him mouth off as if it were a gun)
Ernie the Cabbie = Nomar Garciaparra
(Happy, friendly, likeable, good singer)
The Bank Examiner = Jeromy Burnitz
(Dour, angry, bald, grumpy)
Mr. Potter’s Valet = Derrick Lee
(Stoic, silent, unmoving, all seeing)
Mr. Potter = Tribune company
(Richer than the Rockafellers and the meanest man in the county)
The Christmas Tree = Ron Santo
(Stands on a stump)
The Bridge = Jason Dubois
(Gets passed over)
I just gave up a bomb to some guy named dobbs. oops
Shouldn’t I be played by Chuck?
I was also in an episode of “Cheers”.
I owned the “Hungry Heffer” an dtried to burn it down, but Norm and Cliff wouldn’t let me.
When I was on Cheers I played a substitute bartender. And I used to play for the Cubs.
Norm fell in love with me when I cleaned out the taps.
Me hit home runs. Me love you long time, Mr. NL pitchers. Me hoping Asian put-on get Baker-san to notice me. Dude-san!
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