American League Central
Projected order of finish
1. Minnesota
2. Cleveland
3. Chicago White Sox
4. Detroit
8. Kansas City
Yes, the Royals will finish eighth in a five team division.
Twins
Every year they lose guys and every year is supposed to be the year they fall back on their asses, but it’s not going to happen for a while because they still have Johan Santana and Joe Nathan and they have a freakin’ basket full of good young hitters that they just dump over every March and somebody scurries out and turns into Lew Ford or Justin Morneau.
They do, however, have the impossible task of replacing All-World catcher Henry Blanco, who they foolishly allowed to leave for the Cubs. Some hack named Joe Mauer will give it a whirl. Whatever.
The scary thing about the Twins is that their bullpen will be even better than it’s been in recent years because studly Jesse Crain will get a full season, which means less JC Romero, and that’s always a good thing.
Indians
If Cleveland hadn’t spent the first six weeks of last season handing away late game leads like they were Nader for President buttons, they would have made things interesting for the Twins. But by the time they figured out how to keep a lead they were too far back.
What the Indians can do, astonishingly well, is hit the ball. They have two switch hitting catchers with power and the one who plays more, Victor Martinez, is obscenely good. Travis Hafner looks like Shrek, but he’s got great power and his DH/1B buddy, Ben Broussard can flat out rake. Ron Belliard looks fat but he can hit. Jhonny Peralta can’t spell his name. Aaron “F@#@ing” Boone will play third (and even though he’s an overrated offensive player, he’s a tremendous defensive third baseman), which moves Casey Blake to the outfield (or, really, the bench). And how can you not love Coco Crisp? Hmm? A little milk and it’s…wait, it’s a guy and he’s pretty good.
Their pitching will tell the tale, and it will depend on Bob Wickman not having an obesity triggered heart attack and on Cliff Lee sacking it up and getting it done. Jake Westbrook’s a keeper and CC Sabathia’s tough, even if he can’t put his hat on right.
White Sox
You have to give Kenny Williams credit, when he gets a bad idea, he goes all out, doesn’t he? The White Sox lost games last year because they were too righthanded in their lineup when it was healthy, and then without injured Magglio Ordonez and Frank Thomas they were just too anemic to do anything. So he let Maggs go (which was fine), but traded Carlos Lee for career-minor leaguer, and fluke Rookie of the Year, Scott Podsednik, hired a sushi chef to play second and brought in AJ Pierzynski? Are you kidding me? AJ’s worn out his welcome in two states in less than 14 months and you bring him in to play patty-cake with Big Frank in the clubhouse. Wow, horrendous idea.
They’re playing their second baseman (Juan Uribe) at short where he has no range. They’re playing a glacier at first base, the third baseman is Kevin Orie circa 2005 and they have more Cuban immigrants on their pitching staff than you saw in Tony Montana’s pool house.
Oh, and when you play in the easiest park in the majors to allow homers in, you don’t sign Dustin Hermanson or trade for Luis Vizcaino, well, unless you want your fans in left field to think it’s hailing baseballs.
Tigers
They spent big money in the offseason to sign a closer with a bad neck (Troy Percival) and a one-legged outfielder (Ordonez). Now one of those two could work out, but not both. But when you’re the Tigers and nobody will take your money, you just start waving it around like the Elephant Man in a strip bar. Eventually, somebody will start grinding.
The Tigers overpaid for Pudge Rodriguez last year and it actually worked, so why not try this? I mean, it’s not like people are buying less pizza these days, I don’t think Mike Illitch is going to go broke.
They moved the fences in a little which should help…their opponents. Look, if your offense is a little weak, why not leave the fences where they are? It keeps you in games? Why let the Yankees come in and play with a new wall that even the shriveled corpse of Jason Giambi can clear? Heck, I’d hop on a bulldozer and push the right field wall out to the highway. But that’s just me.
Royals
This team…this team is bad. It’s like a double-A team, which is amazing, considering that a year ago they were supposedly ready to take that next step. Well, apparently, the next step was right into the toilet. Congratulations.
I have nothing more to say about them. But I hope they enjoy two months of Andy Sisco giving up homers into the fountain before they have to send him back.
Hey I got teef now, muthafuckah.
Hey that Hinske’s great. Jim Hendry is a boob for dealing him and Dontrelle Willis!
Never mind the fact that…
…Hinske’s bad…
…Clement gave us three good years, AND…
…helped us make the playoffs AND…
…actually won a playoff game (same one where Dontrelle got shellacked)…
…Willis is actually an overrated walk machine anyway (THINK black Ryan Dempster)…
…Hendry WASN’T EVEN GM when the trades were made…
…My only analytical strength is always based on 20/20 hindsight…
…Oh, and never mind the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about…
…Jim Hendry’s a boob!
What happens in the locker room STAYS in the locker room.
Wow -“But when you’re the Tigers and nobody will take your money, you just start waving it around like the Elephant Man in a strip bar. Eventually, somebody will start grinding.” Good thing I wasn’t drinking my coffe on that one. funniest thing I have read in a long time!
“quote”
…Hendry WASN’T EVEN GM when the trades were made…
…My only analytical strength is always based on 20/20 hindsight…
…Oh, and never mind the fact that I don’t know what I’m talking about…
…Jim Hendry’s a boob!
“end quote”
You are the Brown’s Fried Chicken caller of the night!
First of all, it wasn’t his appendix. Secondly, it was a spork.
We’ve always been insufferable assbags, it just that the Insufferable Assbags of The Bronx have always been there to keep us in our place.
“National League pitchers get 2 to 3 free innings a game”. Hey Don, what about the bogus wins that AL pitchers like Jon Garland get that would be losses or no d’s cuz they would have been lifted 3 innings ago. It all evens out you boner. Oh, that’s right, you do have the best staff in the game.
Don Cooper is the best!!!
Seriously, everyone has got to read Phil Rogers’ new column at espn. It is even funny for him.
Yeah, it doesn’t bother me to watch people paying 40 bucks for a ticket to watch pitchers bat four times a game. Or to watch them get hurt on freak plays while running the bases.
What does bother me is the fact that they no longer start every third day, and that, with rare exceptions, the measure of a man is no longer correlated to his finishing what he starts.
At least they still walk .240 batters to get to a guy who doesn’t even take batting practice but every fifth day –now that’s entertainment!
Real clever. Pitchers should always bat, just like in Little League, or be subbed out for a pinch-hitter. Stop monkeying with tradition.
And isn’t interleague play great? It really adds interest to the game!
(and, uh, hey –have we found a closer yet…?)
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