National League West
Predicted order of finish:
1. Nobody
2. Los Angeles
3. San Francisco
4. San Diego
5. Arizona
6. Colorado
That’s right, nobody will win the NL West. So that will leave two wild card spots for the Cubs!
What, somebody has to win? Damnit! Fine, how about the…
Dodgers
I’m convinced that Paul DePodesta doesn’t have a clue what he’s doing. Only a nitwit would rather have no-legged JD Drew than Adrian Beltre for basically the same money. Only a dope would think bringing in the biggest jagoff in the National League to play second base (Jeff Pornstache if you’ve forgotten) is a good idea. You get the point, I’m sure.
And yet, why am I picking the Dodgers? Because Barry Bonds’ knee fell off, that’s why.
Oh.
Honestly, the Dodgers are a mess. Eric Gagne has a bum leg, Drew’s got two of them. Derek Lowe is still… Derek Lowe. They have Jose Valentin at third base? They have Hee Seop Choi singing karaoke at first base? And I picked them?
Well, just wait until you see the rest of the mess in this division.
Giants
We think we have it bad with Dusty Baker saying and doing stupid things in the Cubs’ dugout, but at least he doesn’t fall asleep during games like Felipe Alou. Actually, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing for Dusty to try?
The Giants built this team to go around Barry Bonds, and why not? Even though he’s a complete asshole and a steroid user, he’s the best player any of us have ever seen. But the only guys they could afford are old, so you end up with Moises Alou pissing himself in right, Marquis Grissom trying not to fossilize in center and Omar Vizquel at short?
Talent wise, they are better than the Dodgers, but these dudes are old and Barry won’t be around to prop them up for at least three months.
Plus, they have Brett Tomko starting games for them and Armando Benitez is always one blown save away from a complete mental breakdown. No thanks.
Padres
I’d have picked the Padres if only a third of their team wasn’t somehow withering up? Remember when Ryan Klesko, Phil Nevin and Brian Giles could hit, you know…homers? They like to blame it on PetCo park, but I ‘m pretty sure they’re playing half their games in other places.
Mark Loretta’s due to come crashing back to reality sometime soon, and Sean Burroughs isn’t all that good. They have Dave Roberts in center, and he’s only useful in fantasy baseball not the real thing. (Oh, don’t get a Boston fan started on that, though).
I do like Jake Peavy, but I’m not sold on Brian Lawrence or Adam Eaton. And their manager has an Albino eyebrow. So that’s just weird.
Diamondbacks
So let me get this straight. They’re broke, out of money, bankrupt, right? So they spend huge money on Troy Glaus and Russ Ortiz, decide to bench Alex Cintron and Scott Hairston so they can spend more money on losers like Craig Counsell and Royce Clayton and they trade for Shawn Green? They have no clue, do they?
They lost 111 games last year. Yikes. How can you do that? Didn’t they get to play the Rockies? Did they lose all of those games?
The D’backs also have Javier Vazquez, and you’d think he’ll be pretty good again away from Yankee Stadium, right? Theoretically, I suppose that’s true. But how many times does a guy go from good to horrible and ever get back to good again?
Rockies
I think the upset of the century is that they were able to find a team that would actually take Charles Johnson off their hands. That’s the best thing they’ll do all year.
That and have Todd Helton kick Wayne Hagin’s ass.
Andy, you are beginning to sound like me when it comes to Our Fearless Leader Dusty Baker… What in the world is going on here?
I think you just set a new record with how quickly you made me laugh out loud. I didn’t even get a chance to read a word, just seeing that picture at the top was enough.
What is the over and under on Carlos hitting batters and suspensions? I would say hit batters: 21 suspensions: 2…I can’t wait for that first at-bat Lassie has with Zambrano. Bets are Lassie walks up to home plate with full body armor. Of course his ass will have that open flap so Albie can dip his little pencil willy in with ease.
You mean games aren’t 5 innings long? Boy I am a fat retard.
Even though I died, I will be honored for putting that no good, trouble maker Jackie Robinson in his place. I spiked him good and I was a hero for it. I also have no business being anywhere near the hall of fame, much less in it. God I love Missourah. It’s the home of Chip Caray you know.
But now I live in lovely Orlando FL, folks. With my lovely imaginary wife and kids.
Do not make fun of that photo.
It’s my illegitimate grand-daughter.
Thanks for writing the entire Nationals preview on me — even though I will start the season at Triple-A!
Dolan,
I must say you’re starting to come around on Dusty a bit, and it isn’t a reach around to jack him off either.
I’m really surprised he had Dave Hansen cut, Calvin Murray and Will Ohman sent down to Iowa, and released Stephen Randolph. I guess they weren’t loobing him up and getting down on their hands and knees along with swallowing enough.
In Dusty’s mind, he really wanted Hanson over Dubois, Murray over Macias(there’s no getting rid of that Gremlin) and Ohman and Randolph over Leicester and probably Wuertz. Oh how bad did he want lefties. He just hates having righties beat him off.
Baker Basher
P.S. Wellemeyer might as well keep his apartment Iowa too. There’s no way in hell Dusty will have him on that opening day roster. The way Todd has thrown this spring, it’s a no brainer though.
Sounds like Basher could use a $20 bill and a bus pass to the “good” side of town. Hmm?
Dude knows what I am thinking. That’s some voodoo type stuff, dude.
I am the new spokesman for Chevy Chase bank. Nats fever has begun!
Dubois makes me look like a girl but I will still make the team because its the Cubs. If we had Pujols he would still be in AAA because I am out of options. Luckily for me its not about winning around here.
I think you’ll take my spot because we need a new Captain Tightpants.
It is all about winning here, dude. Gotta make room for Calvin Murray and Angel Echavarria, dude. Can’t go without a Captain Tightpants no how, dude. God sent me here to win, bro.
Look fellas, my pants are tight for a reason. Wind shear. They make me run oh so much faster. If they make me look pretty, well then that’s okay too.
Here’s what the opening roster should look like after tonight’s extra inning loss to Seattle:
Zambrano
Maddux
Dempster
Wood
Prior
Rusch
Hawkins
Remlinger
Leicester
Fox
Wuertz
Barrett
Lee
Walker
Nomar
Ramirez
Hollandsworth
Patterson
Burnitz
Hairston Jr.
Blanco
Dubois
Perez
Macias
Mitre or Wellemeyer(since Dusty wants to go with 12 pitchers)
*He should get rid of Macias and keep Kelton. Hairston Jr. can basically be a utility player like Macias and probably play it better.
But I’m sure we’ll either lose Kelton or really pull the dumbest move and send Dubois(who probably could be our best offensive outfielder) down to Iowa.
Dusty is just that ignorant folks. The guy is a complete jackass. He has no rationalization for any of his stupid moves.
We’ll see come Sunday.
Baker Basher
WALK OFF
Go check who made the team then talk. Now you all just look like dumbasses.
Those Washington fans kind of like us.
I can’t wait to cheer on the Expos, with or without Endy Chavez.
Did somebody say know it all dumbass?
Depending on how team health plays out this year, Hairston could be a key to keeping the offense moving. Blanco could be this years “neifi sparkplug perez”. I am also predicting a breakout for Corey and a serious Cy Young bid by Zambrano.
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