As you know, the world-famous Desipio Message Board went down yesterday about mid-day. It’s back. You can all stop working now.
Corey Patterson loves to tease us, doesn’t he.
Kerry Wood apparently went all “Larry Bowa” on the Cubs’ dugout after blowing a four run lead on Monday. How about channeling that energy into your pitching?
The Bulls needed a win, and the little guys brought it home.
Jamal Crawford said his buddy Eddy Curry will be back.
But he won’t be back in time to punch any of the Wizards in the nuts again this year.
KC Johnson takes the Bulls in seven. I’ve got them in six.
NBC’s fired up about getting football back, Scottie Pippen’s going to work some Bulls’ playoff games on TV and Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair liked Mike Williams.
Groucho with some good points about the NBA age minimum.
Deron Williams is off to the NBA, but it looks like Dee Brown will be back around for another year. If Deron had any serious doubts about going pro, he could have just called Bruce Douglas. If Bruce leaves after his junior year he’s a first round pick. He stayed. He wasn’t. You get one chance sometimes. You have to take it.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to make absolutely no sense. This is such drivel, how did he even know he was done? When assclowns like Jay compare Cedric Benson to Ricky Williams and Braylon Edwards to David Terrell just because they play the same position at the same college, it’s ludricrous. Hey, Phil Ford sucked in the NBA…better not draft Michael Jordan! Heath Schuler was a bust…better not draft Peyton Manning! Shut up.
Mike Kiley credits last night’s win to a pair of high first round draft picks for the Cubs. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t mean Luis Montanez and Earl Cunningham, though.
Nomar’s the Derrek Lee of 2005. We hope.
The Wizard of Roz’s latest. His Quik-E-Mart draft analyst, Sanjay proves to be a dumbass, yet again.
“Jerry Angelo may get a great player at No. 4, but it would be better to get two very good players. Angelo can deal the No. 4 to Dallas for their Nos. 11 and 20, and it gives the Bears the flexibility to pick up Washington OT Khalif Barnes and South Carolina WR Troy Williamson, the two fastest players at their respective positions.’’
Because, really, it’s great to have fast offensive tackles, and just why in this draft would a team give up two first round picks for one, when everybody’s talking about how flat the talent is through the first three rounds? Go refill the slushy machine, Sanjay.
America’s finest news source with a look at the all-sin binge Catholics went on in between Popes.
Please look at the picture again. THAT is the proper response of front row patrons to batted balls coming towards them. You flinch, and get your ass out of harms way…unlike the buttclenchers from Game 6.
Gotdayumit.
I pour over a brilliant, informative dose that inspires a half-dozen emotions in 1200 words — and the only thing I’m taking away from it is the word “buttclenchers.”
I’m a visual guy, Kelly. You take the word “buttclenchers” away.
I take the image….
Is it just me, or is the guy in the pic wearing Cardinal Red Chippy?
He’s Chip with a beard. Or he’s Chip’s beard. Whichever.
Cold, man.
Apparently revere Mr. Kwik-E-Mart, Sanjay H. (he is a poster over there).
tonight I’m going for the KILL!!!
We’ll see about that, Mr. Zambrano.
First Row centerfield, Great American Ballpark. Bottom of the first inning, Cubs 1, Reds 0. A picture-perfect evening. Slight breeze out toward center. Two very effeminate thirty-something males take in the proceedings but are far more interested in each other than the action on the field.
Rick, a P.R. rep for 5th 3rd bank in downtown Cincy has taken his buddy Steve, a loan officer at the same bank to the ballgame with the company tickets. Rick, dressed in a red golf shirt and way too short white shorts, looks ready for a baseball game, while Steve, dressed to the nines in a white blouse and black leather pants looks ready to be fondled on the dance floor of a local gay watering hole.
Rick: I really like those pants, Steve.
Steve: Oh, thanks, maybe later you can try them on.
R: Oh!
S: Thank you so much for taking me out Rick, I thought you’d never ask.
R: Oh, uh, you’re welcome. Uh, well, do you like baseball.
S: Oh, is that what this is? I like number 20 there, Patterson. He’s too die for. Mmm!
R: What? I mean, uh, Steve, are you, uh, like kind of uh…
S: Thirsty? Hell yes. I’ll go get us a couple of martinis.
R: Actually they don’t have that here. You can get beer or soda or…
S: Geez, how boring! Rick, you wanna make out?
R: Here? I mean, what? I’ve never… I mean… really?
S: Yeah, let’s get outta here and go paint the town, tee hee, Red!
R: Ok, maybe after one more inning or so, I took these tickets so I really should use them.
S: Sigh.
(CRACK)(CROWD GETTING LOUDER) Joe Randa has belted a the ball high in the air and it’s headed right for the pair of flamers.
Steve: (SCREAMING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL) Eeeeeeehhhh!!!!!
Rick: Oh my GOD!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!
At the last instant, Cubs’ centerfielder Corey Patterson (#20) leaps with his glove hand extended and catches the ball a second before it would have smashed into the side of Steve’s face.
Steve: Uh, uh, oh, God. Patterson saved me! Did you see that? He saved my life. I love you 20! Thank you so much!
Patterson: What the fuck? Oh, sick.
Jerry Hairston Jr.: Yeah, Corey! Great fucking catch, dog! Did you see those two faggits up there? They could’ve easily caught that.
P: Yeah, it’s too bad we don’t have fans like that at Wrigley…
H: Huh?
P: I, I mean… Bartman and… aw fuck it.
H: Yeah, whatever, great catch.
Steve: Hold me, Rick.
Was that in lieu of me?
I resent the inference that I’m a homophobe. And because I’m black, you made me say “dog”? What a colorful, bigoted picture you’ve painted of me, No Bartmen. You asshole.
White people say dog, too, bro.
Actually, H would probably not have called P “dog”, but some other word that rhymes with “tigga”.
God forbid one of us even fucking TYPES it…
Jerry Hairston, Jr.: Corey, that was quite possibly the finest display of timing and agility that I have ever witnessed. It’s a credit to you and all the hard work you’ve put in that you were able to catch that ball. And I think I speak for Prior too when I say, thank you, my friend. Let me throw that in for you while you catch your breath.
Oh, hey guys! I hope you’re enjoying the game! That was a close one wasn’t it? Come see us at Wrigley sometime! We need a few alert, yet non-intrusive spectators like yourselves up there.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: No Bartmen at Wrigley would like to apologize to all gays or men and women of color for the insensitive way in which they were portrayed in today’s post. If Desipio would like to delete the entire scene, we feel they would be well within the boundaries of good taste. Again, we send our regrets.)
I have to say that I’m a little sore from all the piling on yesterday. Props to you Jim for sticking up for me. You are a wise human being.
But it was a feel good game last night indeed. I never thought I’d say this, but Corey(Korey) is playing some great ball of late. He’s really concentrating on making solid contact and just putting the ball into play. The results are positive. Excellent defense too by the way!
Mark Prior is getting away from Kerry Wood evidently and pitching more like a man. He needs to continue to hang around the Lawnmower man in the dugout.
Speaking of the big Brush Hog, I’d say he will be mowing down some cardinal bird tonight. I’d like to see one up in the eyes and close to Lassie Edmonds too. Just to send a message to the Red Satanic Fowl to not screw with El Toro.
None the less, both coaches need to stay away from those bullpens and switch hitters as long as they can. Especially the pens, which both stink worse then the Urinal Cake itself.
Prediction-Carlos will pitch very well and very deep to win this one 4-2. We’ll lose tomorrow night’s game in classic assclown like way. Who will be the fuckup nobody knows. But I’m sure some how Dusty will be a part of this clusterfuck.
GO CUBS!
Baker Basher
The Front Office will return next week at it’s regularly scheduled time. We are fully committed to the show. No Bartmen In Cincy does not represent the views of Desipio TV. Especially since they spelled faggot wrong.
Get off our backs, we were fixing the damn message board!
Why were the TV execs fixing the message board? Isn’t that like having a car mechanic fix your computer? Should the IT guys be fixing the board?
Because Baker Basher’s analysis is so vital, we took the liberty of translating it:
I have to say that I’m a little sore from all the piling on yesterday. Props to you Jim for sticking up for me. You are a wise human being.
You guys were mean, except for Jim. Stop making fun of me!
But it was a feel good game last night indeed. I never thought I’d say this, but Corey(Korey) is playing some great ball of late. He’s really concentrating on making solid contact and just putting the ball into play. The results are positive. Excellent defense too by the way!
Corey Patterson played well at the plate and in the field.
Mark Prior is getting away from Kerry Wood evidently and pitching more like a man. He needs to continue to hang around the Lawnmower man in the dugout.
Apparently, Mark Prior is not friends with Wood anymore. He is best buddies with Zambrano. He should continue to not eat at Wood’s lunch table, because this has so much to do with pitching.
Speaking of the big Brush Hog, I’d say he will be mowing down some cardinal bird tonight. I’d like to see one up in the eyes and close to Lassie Edmonds too. Just to send a message to the Red Satanic Fowl to not screw with El Toro.
I predict the Cubs’ ace will pitch well today, but I hope he knocks Edmonds down tonight.
None the less, both coaches need to stay away from those bullpens and switch hitters as long as they can. Especially the pens, which both stink worse then the Urinal Cake itself.
LaRussa and Baker should not use the bullpen nor switch-hitters if they can avoid it.
Prediction-Carlos will pitch very well and very deep to win this one 4-2. We’ll lose tomorrow night’s game in classic assclown like way. Who will be the fuckup nobody knows. But I’m sure some how Dusty will be a part of this clusterfuck.
The Cubs will win 4-2 behind Zambrano’s pitching, and lose tomorrow night’s game in heartbreaking fashion. [Ed. Tomorrow’s game is 12:35 p.m.] I’m not sure how it will be heartbreaking, but Dusty Baker will be behind it.
I’m one word.
You want to know why it took so long to fix the message board?
We had the Network Execs working on it. It takes them an hour to order lunch.
no Front Office this week? …. I’m off to Vegas, baby….
What part of Lassie Edmonds’ ear do you want me to hit tonight?
I bet I can snap Eckstein’s leg in half with a good throw
Jim got us!
Who’s Jim?
Some guy who got all bent out of shape over my comments.
You have likely planned out the following scenario for tonight and tomorrow’s game (weather permitting)…
— Cubs jump all over Suppan in the first for a seemingly insurmountable lead.
— Z cruises early and then gets hosed on a 2-strike call, extending the inning against Rolen, Edmonds and/or Pujols.
— One of those guys hits a HR.
— Z hits whoever is up next.
— Warnings issued.
— Z hits someone else.
— Dusty ejected. Z ejected
— Rusch, Fox, Remlinger and Wuertz keep Cubs ahead until 9th.
— Hawkins gets two quick outs, then a walk, then a broken-back liner to left, then a ringing double into the right-field corner, resulting in a loss.
Ugh. Oh well, we still have tomorrow…
— Dempster reverts back to pre-Tommy John disease form and gets knocked around.
— Surprise! Karen Carpenter also throws up all over herself and lets Cubs back into it.
— Snore-mar gets into the act and has his best game of the season
— But it’s not enough as Leicester or Bartosh (really!) come in to try to keep it close and actually make things worse.
— Cubs are swept, now 7-9; Cards are 10-4 and the ship is ready to sink.
— Dusty calls out The Genius and cuts a promo requesting either a Fijian strap match or a hair-vs.-hair stipulation.
I, like you, fervently hope this does not happen, but if it does, well…we’re ready for it.
I love Mike Martz
Dont worry I will, as usual, trade away the 4th pick for some crap near the bottom of the 1st round or top of 2nd.
1 Corey Patterson, CF
2 Neifi Perez, 2B
3 Derrek Lee, 1B
4 Aramis Ramirez, 3B
5 Jeromy Burnitz, RF
6 Nomar Garciaparra, SS
7 Todd Hollandsworth, LF
8 Michael Barrett, C
9 Carlos Zambrano, P
David Eckstein, SS
Larry Walker, RF
Albert Pujols, 1B
Jim Edmonds, CF
Scott Rolen, 3B
John Mabry, LF
Abraham O. Nunez, 2B
Einar Diaz, C
Jeff Suppan, P
I’ll play! For either team. Please? I’m stuck on 2 RBI.
Grudz,
That’s impossible. You are supposed to knock in between 70-85 runs. The Genius told me you were!
Goooo Cards!
And check out my latest stuff in the LA Times.
Where is the goddamn gamecast? And when the hell are we gonna be able to post pictures? It’s just not right for me to post without an accompanying pic of Wiley Coyote.
That’s nice, but I like this lineup:
Corey CF
Neifi 2b
Zambrano P
Aramis 3B
Lee 1B
Burnitz RF
Mulletsworth
Barrett
Nomar
If the last 3 are due up in any inning, the Cubs should just stay in position and forfeit their at bat.
Joe Morgan: “The Cubs skip the top of the 5th and go straight to the bottom half.”
I’ve perfected my uppercut swing for tonight’s game and if a ball lands anywhere near me, I’ll quickly walk over to pick it up. Then I’ll underhand throw it to Corey so he can chuck it back toward the infield.
Did you guys just hear what Steve Stone said? “The advantage of a big market club like the Cubs is that they can afford to have a Neifi Perez or Jose Macias come off the bench when there is an injury. A club with a $36m payroll can’t do that.” Does he really believe that or was that a subtle dig at management? Thank god I’m a Padre fan so we can’t afford to play Neifi “The Worst Hitter in Baseball Today” Perez.
FYT! I’m killing the ball! I’ll never stop!
WHAT is WITH our fucking GROINS???
It’s so goddamn annoying. It’s still April and three guys’ groins are already falling off? JESUS.
Can we please get a gamecast tomorrow, Andy?
The message board game threads suck ass.
Wow, as soon as I start making fun of the Cubs backups their starter gets injured. Who should I make fun of next….Jason Dubois, Mike Fontenot. Damn this bench is sh***y
Why’re you watching? You’re a Cards fans, too, or something?
Hell no, I hate Tony Larussa along with the rest of the non-St. Louis baseball world. Plus I went to the same high school as Mark Prior. I didn’t think Cub fans would be so sensitive. The second post was a joke, although your bench is horrendous right now, mainly because of injuries, although that is no excuse to bat Neifi.
Dude, it wasn’t meant as a negative question. Just curious. It’s all good.
Damn, I’m not as clean-cut as I look, with the whole mouthing a big “FUCK!” after striking out. What am I thinking — what about the children??
to Tom for a great sense of humor!
I will dominate the whole world. I am twice as good as any of the filth on the Cubs. If I was playing on the north side, I would have 3 Cy Youngs already, only 1 short of Buerhle’s 4.
In case you were wondering… I can’t pinch hit against Ray King with the bases loaded in a tight game because Dusty wants me to watch and learn. ugh…
I sure hope that’s a snickers bar in my pants.
Well, I tried to give it up.
Shut up, bitches. We won, didn’t we?
Only because I haven’t been eating my Sly Stallone protein pudding.
Whatever, Mabry. I was fully ready to made another superhuman jump to rob you had it gone 400 feet.
Once again, you get it wrong –that wasn’t an “oh, shit” that you heard, but rather a “well, shit,” as in “Well, shit –if we at least can keep it close against the Dodgers’ Cy Young awardwinner of the future, then we’ll have a shot at edging it out against that bullpen, in which case we’ll stand at least an even chance of sweeping their punk asses!”
de, – Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 11:47:29 (PST)
I have admire your unselfishness in taking the time to make this web site.