Know Your Desipio.com Columnists
Name: Karry Ling
Department: We have departments? What is Jake in then? Delusion?
Hometown: Brooklyn, New York
College: SUNY-Bunghampton
Nickname: Back in high school the guys called me Slats, but most often people refer to me as Creepy.
Career Goal: Finding a job where they actually paid me would be nice. Short of that, I’d like to drive a school bus.
The best thing about working for Desipio is… I know where Andy keeps his wallet.
If I were the baseball commissioner for a day, the first thing I’d do would be… I’d reinstate Pete Rose. Then I’d have Bob Watson shoot him.
Pet peeve: Loose stool.
Favorite junk food: Deep fried Wild Turkey. Clogs your arteries and stews your liver. Good stuff!
Favorite TV Show: The Front Office! (Andy made me write this. My real favorite TV show is The Tony Danza Show.)
Favorite baseball movie: Rookie of the Year! Gary Busey was great as Fergie Jenkins.
Favorite baseball player: Don Cardwell
Favorite cartoon character: Stuart Scott
Few people know I… Fathered one of Shelley Winters’ children.
I wish I knew how to… Love without anger.
—————-
Thanks, Karry. Right? That’s a window to a soul that needs a steel door and a padlock.
Uggh.
The never-say-die Cubs. OK, actually they do say die, but usually not until after they’ve teased us into thinking they’re going to win.
Michael Barrett’s hurt, but like every other Cub, they don’t know how badly. If he’s out though, it’s bad news for the White Sox because they’ll get a weekend of Hank White and his .450 OPS!
I just love articles about Steve Stone. I can’t get enough. Wow, this is still fascinating!
Mariotti puts down the doughnut for this anemic attempt at blaming the Cubs obsession with the media for their losing. Here’s the thing, he probably could have made this point if he had some new quotes from Dusty or the players, but he’s too lazy to go to the ballpark, so all he had was the stuff Andy MacPhail said to reporters on Tuesday night. So like all Mariotti pieces, this goes nowhere and proves nothing.
Kerry Wood’s going to get his arm looked at Friday to see if it’s still attached.
Nick Bakay compares Evil Empires.
The Sun-Times’ furry little Ewok liked Revenge of the Sith. I’ll be there tonight (not dressed as any character—I mean really, what is wrong with these people, they scare me) to check it out.
Ebert doesn’t show Coach Ditka enough respect in this review, I don’t think.
America’s finest news source says that President Bush is serious when he says Hollywood needs to perfect the romantic comedy by 2009. Putting bullets in Jimmy Fallon and Adam Sandler would be a good start.
This is too rich. I had been planning to head over to Des Moines to catch a game sometime in the next few days and now I can look for The Carp. Of course, her pet peeve is laziness, so I guess I’ll have to get out of my seat and look for her. Sergio Meat Tray is scheduled to throw tonight, and his performance will likely dictate whether he or a AA lefty gets sacrificed against the Astros and Roger Clemens next Tuesday. Maybe I can talk Todd Walker into heading out for a post-game beer at The Lumber Yard!
I may be 0-15 in Iowa, but I did manage to rack twice the RBI Scotty has all season — 2!
Danny Noonan: Where did that one go?
Ty: Right in the lumberyard.
She’s not hard on the eyes if you doin’t mind the “blog” sound her clog makes once every two steps….blog, regular step, blog, regular step, blog, regular step…it’s histerical!
I am way, way, way better than Hank.
I also kick Gabor’s butt.
If I was your backup catcher in 2003, we would have won the WS
I made all city! Boy that speaks volumes, huh. Me and Chris Widger coming off the bench.
If you thought today’s column was a stinker, wait until a month or 2 from now, if the Cubs keep doing bad and the Sox doing good. I’ll be writing about how the Cubs should trade Maddux/Lee/whoever might be playing good to the Sox, so that all of Chicago can enjoy and contribute to a Sox World Series.
“This stuff is gold Jay! Care for a belt of scotch? I know it’s only 6 am. That Garland-Karchner trade, man Jay, you are on top of things again! This is just like when you brought up the Bell-Sosa deal in 98′. Hey, I got one for you, how about trainer Mark O’Heal. Ha! go ahead you can use it, it’s not like you need any help coming up with HILARIOUS names.”
maybe the cubs let me go because the trade was made 7 YEARS AGO,
and for the last 6.5 years I’VE BEEN CRAPPY.
Yeah, I’d do the Carp.
Hmm, Anyone want to buy Iowa Cubs tickets? Call (515) 243-6111 and ask for the Carp! I’ll do anything to get you in a box seat at Sec Taylor Stadium.
Hey, I banged a chick with only one leg. One leg shorter than the other is nuthin’.
Ah’m bored these days. Maybe I can buy a minor-league baseball team and get to meet all the interns.
I’d like to meet some (female) interns also. God, I’m a hideous troll.
Woops, I got my name wrong earlier! But hey look, you can ride a bus to Wrigley with me this year!
I’ll be leading the Des Moines contingent in the FYC’s!
Shouldn’t our players be on the all-city team?
“Hey Jay, get me a story on this Carper gal. I can see it now…Leg-less Jess Dreams of a Life in Cubdom…great Mariotti, run with it. We can’t let those Desipidiots beat us to the full story.”
Jessica Carper could be our celebrity host.
Dave man, I’m the classier joint in town. Eff that yuppie Lumberyard right up its ass.
I wish Carpy said FMC.
Oh you didn’t!
Big Earl’s classy? I’d bet I’d run into 2-3 of my ex-cons there AND pick up a disease. I’m kinda partial to Beach Girls and Pandora’s box in West Des Moines.
How come we have never seen Jessica in “The Front Office”?
Does this mean Sloth will be paying more attention to the Cubs’ minor league system?
Hey, I was a 1998 All-City selection!
I was a 1999 Selection!
These were my numbers the season before being acquired by the Cubs:
.308/405/.482
For the Cubs? Not so good:
.219/.340/.299
Tomorrow’s the biggest matchup of the year, folks.
The world champion red sox travel to hotlanta to face the brav-o’s.
Honesty compels me to say I’ll be thinking of the beege.
I hope you guys are ready to be swept at home. You are facing the best starting staff since the Orioles one of the early 80’s. Our offense is made up of the best base stealer in the game followed up by plenty of thunder. Granted the boys aren’t hitting that well, but it is only a matter of time before they do, and then…look out. This team could win 120 games in a real tough division, easily. We have fans that know the game and only care about WINNING. As usual, better ballpark, better team, better fans, and a great chance to go all the way for the Sox this year. And Cubs people hate Hawk because they are jealous that they don’t have a “voice” anymore. Hawk is the best announcer around and he is totally original, unlike your guys- past and present. Bow down to one of the perennially best, and consistent franchises bitches. This is a special team we have, enjoy watching us go all the way.
He gone
Hey, so you’re the other guy! And yes, any pitching staff with El Duque and Jose Contreras has to be one of the best ever!
One leg shorter than the other? Shouldn’t her name be Eileen?
I hope you guys are ready to be swept at home. HAHAHAHAHAHA
You are facing the best starting staff since the Orioles one of the early 80’s. HAHAHAHAHA… SNL IS IN YOUR FUTURE BUDDY
Our offense is made up of the best base stealer in the game followed up by plenty of thunder. Granted the boys aren’t hitting that well, but it is only a matter of time before they do, and then…look out. YEAH, WHATEVER…WE’RE SHAKING
This team could win 120 games in a real tough division, easily. THE NEW WILL FERRELL
We have fans that know the game and only care about WINNING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…..HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
As usual, better ballpark, NEWER ISN’T BETTER better team, WILL SEE better fans, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and a great chance to go all the way for the Sox this year. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA And Cubs people hate Hawk because they are jealous that they don’t have a “voice†anymore. BUT WE HAVE A RETINA AND YOU DON’T.
Hawk is the best announcer around and he is totally original, LIKE COORS OR SOMETHING unlike your guys- past and present. Bow down to one of the perennially best, and consistent franchises bitches. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA CONSISTENTLY BAD. This is a special team BUNCH OF WEIRDOS we have, enjoy watching us go all the way. HAHAHAHAHAHA
THIS WAS FUNG, MENG.
The White Sox received the World Series trophy today.
Hey No. 1 Sox Fan,
Why not check out the pitching staffs I was on these seasons:
1989
1993
1994
1995
1996
1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
and oh yes
2004
I think I’ll no hit your horrible club tomorrow.
Watch out for me! I’m so dreamy, I distract the opposition! That’s why you should never bring a date to the Cell and sit in CF. God, who the hell writes our radio ads?
I want to give a hearty “YES!” to baseball’s best fans, a far superior bunch to those North Siders:
South Side…… YES!
Hernandez and Contreras were both good enough for the Yankees, so they are good enough for the Sox too. Those staffs will be nowhere near as good as ours is this year, guy up there, you’ll see. We could have 3 twenty game winners and all will win at least 15 games with sub 4 era’s. We’ll have a Cy Young, an MVP, and a World Series trophy soon enough. Hermanson has turned into Gagne, under the best pitching coach around, The Coopster. 97 years and counting bitches.
Hey No. 1 Sox fan:
Remember this:
That was awesome.
Coming to America!
I turned into him??
Shoeless Joe was the best hitter ever to come through Chicago, he was even better than your beloved Cap Anson. The Cubs may have more guys in the Hall of Fame, but those guys were either lucky in getting in, benefitted from playing in Wrigley, or don’t deserve to be there, ie…Ryne Sandberg, Hack Wilson, Frank Chance, Fergie Jenkins, etc…
Ahem.
Also, did I throw a World Series? No, I don’t think I did.
Shoeless Joe wasn’t capable of dreaming of being as good as me.
Oh, and Shoeless Joe, like his fans, was functionally illiterate.
Yes, Luis Aparicio is a slam-dunk hall of famer.
You had plenty of good years with the Cardinals, eh Rogers. Cubs suck. Oh and McDowell, Bere, Fernandez, and Alvarez was a better rotation than the Cubs will ever see. Prior is over overrated, Wood sucks, Maddux is old and lucky, Zambrano is crazy. Your farm system sucks, and I don’t need to tell you about your pen, considering ours is the best in the game.
Remember me? I was never as annoying as this dildo.
Sandberg stunk, now Minnie Minoso, that guy had talent. People whine about Santo not getting in, what about Minoso, he was one of the all time greats. Santo wasn’t any good either. The pitchers that dominated that era, Gibson, Drysdale, Koufax, Jenkins, etc… were all overrated.
Apparently if you are a White sox fan you are entitled to use the word “suck” instead of punctuation.
I only played for the Cubs for a few years, but I remained in the organization for years, benefitting from the fact that I never conspired with gamblers to throw a World Series.
I batted over .400 a few times with the Cards, but when I made it to the Cubs in 1929, my .380/.459/.679 line (along with my 39 HRs and 149 RBI in a pre-modern configurement Wrigley Field) is a wee better than Joe Jackson’s best year with the Sox, which of course his .382/.444/.589 line (along with 12 HRs and 121 RBI). Of course, that was 1920, Jackson’s last season.
Jackson’s best season probably came with the Indians.
You got me, I’m no sox fan, I was just trying to get the blood boiling against the invading turd horde. Come on, no sox fan could be this dumb. They don’t even know who Minnie Minoso is, much less that Hornsby played for the cards. I thought the Frank Chance comment would have given me away.
Oh, sorry. I forgot for whose benefit I was writing. Puntuation is the practice of using a set of standardized mark to clarify meaning or for emphasis.
We were a pretty good rotation.
In Field of Dreams, I am smart and Italian, instead of an illiterate, retarded redneck.
you mean marks right, smart guy? PunCtuation is spelled this way.
And Shoeless Joe of Field of Dreams stole my slumpbuster! That’s OK. I gave her the clap.
is most likely a Cardinal fan.
We’re both northsiders, yuppies and Cubs fans, but Sox fans love me (John) because I turned in a sympathetic portrayal of Buck Weaver in 8 Men Out, and Sox fans love me (Joan) because I’m the pitchwoman for the cell phone company that bought the naming rights at their “ballpark.”
Gracie banged the hell out of me though. You can catch me at 2et or 1ct on the hallmark channel every morning. I also have a commercial out about dry eyes…probably something Grace gave me.
it’s me fellas, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Who’s more annoying, me or Gary Sinise?
Gracie banged you, Janine? That’s OK. I banged Palmeiro, Davey Martinez, Domingo Ramos, Al Nipper, Craig Lefferts, Mike Bielecki, and Ruben Amaro.
Me.
Buck Weaver is now thought by many to be one of the ringleaders of the scandal, so it should figure sox fans like him.
Meant to change my poster name up there.
Go Nats!
You brought me to tears, with that picture by the way.
when I managed the D’backs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah
Better leave “the Carp” out of “The Front Office”. She could sue your ass and end up owning Desipio. Which might not be a bad thing, after all.
Where has “test” been lately? I miss his pithy comments.
I can only hope Jessica Carper finds it in her to send one of her works to me.
I was like so hoping for all of this to happen to me. Kudos to like, all of you for the super duper reception!
The What Sox?
Hi Carp, let’s see the nekkid pics.
Wheeeee!!!