So who saw that grand slam coming? Anybody? The last two the Cubs have hit have been by Neifi! and Jerry.
Bob Novoa likes being the set-up guy. Dusty says he looks like Armando Benitez. Yeah, and Geoff Jenkins looks like Brett Favre, but I don’t see the Packers suiting him up.
If Kerry Wood needs surgery in the offseason, just have him have it right now. Why jack around with him at this point? If you think you’re still in it, you can’t afford to have him come back and blow out in the third inning again. If you think you’re out of it, there’s no reason to not get him fixed and get his rehab started.
KC Johnson is the new Bears’ beat reporter which is good, because unlike David Haugh, KC doesn’t completely suck. KC says Rex looks like a leader. I just like it when he’s upright.
Kyle Orton’s reading “The Count of Monte Cristo?” Somebody mail this man a copy of “A Confederacy of Dunces.”
Ryne Sandberg hated piano practice. Great?
So wait, Brian Urlacher wants to be determined to be the father of this woman’s child and not only that, but his ex-wife just gave birth this spring to a kid who is also his? What is he, the white Scottie Pippen? At least as far as we know, Scottie never fathered a child with a woman who claimed to be raped by The Lord of the Dance.
Rich Hill gets a shot at starting tonight. My advice to Rich is to pitch well and claim that starting spot for a decade or so.
Every new offensive coordinator comes in and tells you how much better his offense is than the one you ran last year. This time, the guy is right.
The Wizard of Roz on Ryno’s new club.
Phil Nevin has 72 hours to decide if he wants to hang out with Sammy. Look Phil, this is the second time the Padres have traded you in two years. Take a hint.
The Washington Post says Nevin will likely OK the trade.
The “great” Ed Graney (who?) on Nevin’s decision.
The White Sox can have AJ Burnett for McPrior and Dumbasso Marte. OK.
Phil Rogers says the Sox don’t need Dumbasso. They have Neil Cotts! Yeah, you never need a second lefty.
The Mets are after Alfonso Soriano. The Rangers can’t get rid of him fast enough.
The great Lonnie Wheeler says the Reds need some pitching. Really?
Billy Wagner is all but off the trading block as the Phillies are likely to try to “go for it.”
Ken Rosenthal says Steve Balboni is alive and well in Pissburgh. Well, sort of.
America’s finest news source on hospital infections.
“The Genius did the predictable nad”
That’s just gross. Even for ESPN to show.
Boy, do I love it here!
5 2/3 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 K, 0 ER.
When I first heard the name of the pinch hitter in the ninth, I thought it was me.
Stop calling me that!
Hey Andy,
Do I get credit for your Bob Novoa reference? I’m consindering copyrighting that..
Not to let me get in the way of a nice story or anything, but the pitcher’s spot moved up to the #6 spot in the 7th inning when Dusty brought in Novoa to replace Ohman, not to bring Dempster’s spot up sooner. When Gerut batted in the top of the 8th it was as the left fielder, not as a pinch hitter.
When I talk, close your eyes and listen. I sound just like Steve Sabol of NFL Films.
we said yesterday during the telecast that Dusty told us before the game that this was a big game because the Cubs hadn’t won a 3 game series in St Louis in 10 years.
IS THIS TRUE????!!
If it weren’t for me, Neifi wouldn’t be starting and wouldn’t have been in position to hit that clutch grand slam. What makes me a great manager is that I always find a way to put veterans in spots where they can succeed and show their value as veterans.
And then I reward them by benching the young players that may compete for their starting position, unless your name is Corey Patterson… then I demote him only when Hendry and McPhail told me that’s how it had to be.
I’ve been getting more with less since I started managing. Why don’t I get credit for J.T. Snow being above mediocre when I managed him, and why aren’t I getting credit for what Lee and Ramirez are doing. They bought into the good word of the Reverend, and look at those numbers.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some magic pixie dust to sprinkle on the infield. We have a homestand to win, you know.
P.S. I wanted to start Remlinger tonight and let Hill work out of the bullpen, but Hendry wouldn’t let me.
Hey, Latin America. Why don’t you get off your fat, lazy arse and look it up yourself, perhaps on me?
I am #9.
I’m still trying to understand the angle and humor.
Dear The Truth,
I never said that the double switch involved Dempster, merely pointing out that Dusty had double switched and moved the pitcher’s spot up. Which he did. Needlessly because he had no intention of using Ohman or Novoa in any inning other than the eighth. He double switched Gerut and Novoa in the botton of the eighth so that Gerut would bat third in the ninth. Novoa threw one pitch.
To spell it out:
-Mariotti refers to Baker as “The Reverend Johnnie B” – not sure why, but he does. It’s mildly amusing.
-Andy questions Baker’s competence… I agree, but thought I’d mock w/ a mixture of the absurd (starting Remlinger, a “veteran” and putting the young rookie Hill in the pen) and what Baker supporters say – gets a lot out of veterans and career years out of first basemen…
-And dude, the magic dust is always funny.
I am the funniest contemporary humor novel that’s out there.
I’m must reading for all Desipiots.
“Mariotti refers to Baker as “The Reverend Johnnie B†– not sure why, but he does. It’s mildly amusing.”
There’s your flaw. Nothing Mariotti writes is amusing.
Well, other than when he steals the “Korey” moniker. THis is amusing because it shows what a no-talent, unoriginal windsock the assbag is.
The opening paragraph of “Dunces” perhaps the funniest book ever written:
A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly’s supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of anything new or expensive only reflected a person’s lack of theology and geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one’s soul.
I always picture Ruben Quevedo when I read that paragraph.
Not amuzing?
Not even the tired Evil Stoney mule I trot out every 10 days?
And what of the fresh “Tribsters!” rip I peg my friends in Tribune Tower with?
Gold, Jerry! Gold!
#10: going against logic, I’ll take Dusty’s comments as true.
Thanks for your help, I understand you might be a little bitter considering you had to hear Joe Morgan for 3 hours yesterday.
It’s all my fault that we won’t remember 7/24/05 as the “Hank White Game” in much the same way we recall the Sandberg Game from June of ’84.
I believe John Kennedy Toole killed himself before the book was published. His mom found the manuscript a few years later and it turned into a huge, posthumous work of fiction for Toole.
There’s a great line in “Sideways” when Miles, having hit rock bottom after getting his manuscript rejected by the publisher for what would appear the last time, and his starving artist’s lament was–and I have to paraphrase here– “It wouldn’t do any good to kill myself now. Killing yourself without having any fame is just pathetic” or something along those lines, at which point Miles’ dim-witted buddy pulls one out of his ass by replying,
“But what about that guy who wrote “Confederacy of the Dunces? He killed himself before he was famous”
Which just flummoxed Miles.
Cool meta-reference.
Oh, and uhhh, Dusty Baker’s an idiot.
The list of funniest books ever written in the English language could begin and end with me.
Last night’s game was awfully similar to me.
To wit:
On the road, in a hostile environment (THEN: Pro Player Robbie. NOW: Big Urinal Cake)
Grab a late lead with a huge turnaround homer (THEN: Abe Froman. NOW: ARam).
Closer blows the save but has enough cajones to keep the team in the game (THEN: JoBo. NOW: Dumpster)
Unlikely offensive hero in extra innings (THEN: Doug Glanville. NOW: Neifi!)
Last play of game goes from routine-to-near-disastrous grounder to ARam, who gets bailed out (THEN: Luis Castillo wandering off of second. NOW: DLee with the stretch)
I don’t think any Cub fan expected to win last night’s game when it went extra innings. And I’m sure they felt the same way during Game 3.
D’OH!
Does this mean the Cubs will win again today, and then fail to win another game the rest of the way?
The other difference between then and now is that the Cubs were more than 10 games over .500.
I attended the Friday and Saturday games at the cake. The smell was an absolute snitch from hell. I watched Wood throw before the Saturday game. He lobbed about 8 pitches from 25 feet or so and then quit. Rothchild just stood there daydreaming about social security benefits and his pension fund proceeds. It was nice that Dusty emptied the bullpen in the seventh on Saturday trying to get those three outs. Bob Novoa should be thanked, because gray beard was warming up to pitch after Bob. By the way, “the greatest fans in baseball” made up about 60% of crowd. I guess there payday was today.
Well I don’t know about that, #26, but I’m going to tonight’s game, and I’ll be more than thrileld to see Ramirez hit a first inning granny.
I was the turning point in the 2003 Red Sox season..Maybe I am the turning point in the 2005 Cubs season??
I’m pretty funny, too
Funny, yes, but you’re also pretty much me, #31.
Yes, Dark, but you are the best kind of humor
Pick me up anytime and laugh til your sides hurt.
Desipiots mostly fear me and have been scared off by this discussion. If you’re wondering where they are, you can find them on the message board ripping Dusty Baker and Joe Morgan. Now when it comes to humor in me, Mark Twain never disappoints.
From now on, I should be known as the “White Game”, the game where Hank did at all, and even spurred Neifi on to hit a grand slam. They should replay me on Comcast when The Henry Blanco wing at Coooperstown opens.
I’ve always been fond of Dr. Seuss myself. I just re-read “If I ran the zoo.” It’s a classic.
We’re wonderful on a rainy afternoon
You can do no better than Chuck Klosterman’s “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa-Puffs” when looking for me. I may not read like a cohesive narrative, but at least 10 hilarious news-magazine article-length essays comprise the book. Good stuff and deeply mining the depths of pop culture, as evidenced by an entire chapter on Saved by the Bell.
“I told him he was going to get a hit”…talking about Neifi’s heroics.
We are Cubs fans!!!!! We had us a nice time watching the game Saturday over here in Des Plaines….
What I really say is I keel you Neifi if you don’t get a hit mang.
I read books.
#31, nope, nothing on Earth this side of Lance Armstrong is more overrated than you. #34, yep, hard to imagine I like Gonzo, huh?
Confederacy of Dunces? I need to give it a try.
My favorite: Semi-Tough
Always glad to participate in Book Club. Now, I know a lot of you read my book, “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.” My hypothesis is that if you read it before you turned say, 28, you probably thought it was the greatest thing ever written*, but if you were say, 30, or older, you couldn’t understand** a word of it.
* — The first thing I ever thought was “the greatest thing written” was the Empire jingle which I used to hear all the time living in Chicago suburbia. Until I was 7, I thought that Empire was spelled numerically — 588-2300 — and, in fact, did not require the alphabet.
** — Why is ‘Topher acceptable as an abbreviation of “Christopher?” Because I said so? Is that why. Huh? What? Right.
Here’s to you.
I am a complete waste of roster space, I don’t provide anything to this ballclub, only embarassment after embarassment.
Yesterday I was asked to hit a bunt, TWICE I couldn’t execute, and then later in the same at bat, to add insult to injury I grounded into a rally killing double play.
I don’t know why I don’t get my inconditional release.
I need to shut up
I’m not too bad, either. Although I’m not too sure about the movie.
I love being on the roster.
I get to watch MLB games at field leval for free. I also get to meet true legends of the game such as Maddux, Lee, and White
If yesterday was a Cubs’ turning point, you can blame that day eight years ago for the eventual demise of your workday productivity.
That was the day Desipio debuted.
I suck
dudes, I destroyed the genius yesterday, my brain outlasted his in this series,
in me you better trusty, dudes
What is the point of posting as a player and typing out banal first-person observations?
I would ban you dipshits.
Ronny Cedeno is a retard apparently, also every other player who posts here…..
Fck this, I’ve got a meth lab in the back of my pickup that needs tending to.
mmmh salad mmmmh
I’ll drink to that
I have been long a fixture at Desipio wtf. So go eat me.
1) Congratulations Andy, on the 8th anniversary of this site. I can’t imagine what the hell you’d be writing about as the Cubs were done by mid-April after the 0-14 start, which leads me to..
2)…do you have any Doses pre-2003 that are archived? It’d be a hoot to wax nostalgic over Kevin Tapani’s arrival that year, as well as the blockbuster, earth-shattering trade that sent Turk Wendell, Brian McRae and Mel Rojas to New York for Lance Johnson, Mark Clark and Manny Alexander, not to mention Dave “Arrrpphh!” Wannstedt’s glorious two-point PAT attempt when only one point was needed to tie the game vs. Green Bay (His infamous “no-brainer”) that season.
Good times.
If you weren’t alive to live through that, I mean.
eat me.
I agree with Mr. wtf.
I think that I am to blame for making the Uncouth Sloth aware of Desipio’s existence. My humble apologies to all.
Bracing for tonight’s Alou family invasion.
I’m overrated.
will mean nothing if cubs can’t go 6-1 or 7-0 this week.
Andy no update dee “Hank White Fan Club” after I have big, big game last night?
I KEEL him.
5-2 wouldn’t be too shabby
LaReturn of LaTroy
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/chronicle/archive/2005/07/25/SPGTRDSBBU1.DTL
Making lame comments to a bunch of idiots who are making lame jokes on the internet to kill time between actual work and looking at pictures of 17 year old girls is the only way that I know that I still exist.
Don’t respond to me and take me in stride.
I am here to bust your balls. and possibly offend you. Both of which make me giggle.
Oh, it’s being updated, it’s just that we normally don’t have so much math to have to struggle through. Hank’s hitting .500 with a 1.390 OPS since he switched to #24.
look, before you jump all over me, I actually like this site, and love to see what yall say about us.
And so I’ll start off with an easy one. Derrek Lee’s career BA is .266. No one I’ve heard is offering ANY explainations of why he’s rakin this year. Are therre any thoughts from ChiCity as to why he’s suddenly the next McGwire? You know, but with speed, and defense, and the whole lack of steroids thing…
Is he the next Mark McGwire? I hadn’t noticed the back acne, the violent mood swings or the constant leg injuries.
I was much better before I was overrun by cards/sox fans and haters in general. Happy birthday to me, indeed.
My friend told me to say this…..”Trade me right fucking now”, then hang up!
Stay strong, Pony Boy.
Yup, I’m a cards fan…time to leave the internet cubicle at the public library and go back to mah trailer.
Hey Kerry. Sarah sucks pussy…I know, I know.
I allow King Derrek to see inside pitches better and he’s been puninshing them. Before, pitchers used to bust him in a lot and tie him up with his long arms. Now you go in there at your peril because he’ll hammer it. Pitch him away and he’s going to opposite field with authority. You might as well pitch around him and take your chances with Burnitz, which is not always pleasent. And if Ramirez is batting behind him, you’re just totally screwed.
Any idea from the rest of you as to why Hank White is becoming the next McGwire too? Only without the big candy ass, “I’m treated like a caged animal!” comments and arguments on behalf of himself for MVP when the actual winner bested him in RBI, BA, Runs and playoff berths? I can’t figure that one myself.
It’s “stay gold” not “stay strong”.
Don’t mean to nitpick, but that’s only the entire theme of that book/movie.
damn, i didn’t know i was a hater, or that the word “any” was country. I guess I gotta learn. Thank you.
Most people will tell you he’s learned to hit the inside pitch. He used to get jammed a lot on inside fastballs, but this year he’s yanking them out of the park.
The real reason, of course, is the doctored calender that Andy sent him, convincing him that the season started in June, allowing DLee to avoid his traditional god-awful early season slump.
Oh, yeah that too.
My editor changed it to gold. I wanted it to say stay strong. So nyah!
You mean Suzanne, Reg…….
I need out of here. My allergies to the fans is back…
No, I mean Sarah, you’re wife, you aren’t Hanrahan, are you?
I meant your wife.
Can I buy you to proudly wear when I get to see my Cubbies invade Philly in a week and Pissburgh at the start of September?
Has my number changed yet? If not, I am a collector’s itam, like the 89 Mark Grace Starting Lineup that has him as a righty.
Hi buddies! Did you see my homer? It was a bomb, the gladiator is back! I will have 600 soon, screw you Frank Robinson, you were no gladiator. Buddy.
Oh, SamMe, go bust yer toe open again, or somethin’…leave us alone!
Dude, that’s a secret…… I get to watch that show every night!!!!
Or did you mean me because I’m such a pussy?
The shirts have now been changed to #24, so if you already own a #9, prepare to be rich.
http://www.cafepress.com/hankwhite
“I don’t want…LaTroy up there in a game-saving situation.” -Johnny B. Baker Jr.
of alou receiving a standing ovation my friend.
“Here comes La Troy into the game…..”
“…And the crowd erupts in a roar…”
Is Hawkins still bad in SF, though? Or did the change of scenery help him? I guess I could just go look up his latest stats, but I’m lazy.
#96 yeah, he is still bad. He lost a couple of games for them. The only time that he has not been a disaster was in a case where his appearance was irrelevant.
I was 0-9 in the series! MV ME! MV ME!
Listen up, I like the way the new guy spells his name, so from now on, I’m Michael Berut. I’ll pick a fight with anyone who insists on calling me Barrett.
Is it French? I think chicks will like it.
Was it his first game that LaTroy gave up a grand slam to lose a game for the Giants?
Oh and Sweaty Joe…..we were just kidding. Come back. Please. Sweet Jesus I’ll clean your jockstrap if you come back.
Open letter to The Farns: you are not the same anymore and Detroit is ugly, plus we have a new hero, Hank, and we´re going back to chicago.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Open letter to The Farns: you are not the same anymore and Detroit is ugly, plus we have a new hero, Hank, and we´re going back to chicago.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
we posted twice because we are dumb and because we mean it, Farns.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I like how Jon Miller give me Albert Pujols’ nickname, El Hombre. Albert should go with the nickname El Abuelo.
In March, I thought this would be great: go to see Ryno in Cooperstown on Sunday, catch all six Cubs-Phillies/Cubs-Mets games next week — now, well, I’m not so sure.
Was this the wrong week to stop taking amphetamines?
My title best describes the Cubs coaching staff
I’m remarkably free of Cubs fans today. Those Desipiots have been unsettling my pigeons lately.
Neifi rocks!
Another great moment for the Hank White Fan Club: In Carrie Muskat’s article for cubs.com, she writes the following:
“I told him he was going to get a hit,” Cubs catcher Henry Blanco said. “I didn’t tell him he was going to get a grand slam.”
See #40, you’re a little late.
Andy, you’re right – it was my first outing in SF that I gave up the granny to Philly… First I torch whatever playoff chance they have, then the Golden Gate Bridge!
Why do we all wish we were Desipio? We all suck.
Greggie will get his 3000th strike out or I will slap him..