Ryan Dempster didn’t throw 100 pitches, it just seemed like it.
Everybody’s getting excited about Kerry again. Great?
Matt Lawton is glad to be on a contender. Wait, does he know he’s a Cub?
Paul Sullivan says the Cubs are going young in 2006. Not unless they ditch the toothpick.
Ron Turner’s offense depends more on putting in fewer plays and running them all better. Gee, what a novel concept!
Bobby Gray doesn’t care whose job he steals.
I find Wild Bill to be kind of a freeloader, myself.
Jerry Azumah needs hip surgery. This does not sound like good news.
Bobby Wade had a good practice. Gee, how nice.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to respond to Scoop Jackson’s absurd “piece” that said Cubs fans and the media are racist and out to get Dusty. It’s always uncomfortable for me to agree with Jay Mariotti. But thanks a lot, Scoop. You made me do just that.
Jose Canseco is almost done with a second book. He’ll know he’s done for sure when he runs out of crayons.
Don Sutton says Greg Maddux is the smartest pitcher ever, according to the Wizard of Roz. I say Don Sutton has the worst hair ever.
Marc Stein questions Pat Riley’s sanity in trading for and giving big bucks to Antoine Walker and Jason “White Chocolate” Williams.
Either Sports Guy finally went gay, or somebody else writes his headlines.
Gene Wojck;jjoij;idjfljfeski on Joe Pa.
Who is Chris Mannix and why am I supposed to care what he says about anything? I swear to God, everybody has a job at SI.com but me. If they hire Kaseberg I think I’ll kill myself.
Stewey got a new picture, but he still looks like he lives in his parents’ basement and reads comic books.
If you frequent the Message Board you first heard about this on Friday, but here’s more on Derek Lowe ditching his wife for Fox Sports Net hottie Carolyn Hughes.
Did I just type “hottie?” Guh.
America’s finest news source wonders if our current educational system adequately prepares dropouts for unemployment.
Read that story about Derek Lowe and his wife. First off, her name is Trinka, which is just wrong. Secondly, if Carolyn Hughes owns a bunny it’s going to be boiling on the stove any time now. She had him followed? She figured out her cell phone number and went through his phone to find it. Also, it could be that Carolyn’s brother is named Jeff and Derek’s banging him instead.
Yikes.
re: SI.com
Gotdammit we’re trying.
I want to hear more about the Red Sox and their “family values”. Obviously, they adopted that policy after the Wade Boggs Era.
Wow, kinda makes you wish they had some sort of pre-marriage brain scan that could find that gene. If the Lowe story doesn’t freak you out a little, you’re not human.
Another wonderful job by me. I meant to change “the Cubs had men at first and second with nobody out in the fourth, but Todd Walker was called out on strikes before Neifi Perez rolled into a double play” to “the Cubs had men at first and second with nobody out in the fourth, but Todd Walker flied out to center before Neifi Perez rolled into a double play.” How do I still have a job?
I just googled the Derek Lowe fiasco, and, as a woman, must say that Trinka Lowe is a gigantic dumbass:
“I love him and I’m willing to do anything to help him through this difficult time. One day he’ll realize that family is more important. I’m forgiving. I love my husband. It’s about salvaging the family.” (from http://www.sportsbybrooks.com/)
Oh, Jesus. Just get a bunch of the fucker’s money in a divorce settlement, lady!
The way things are lining up, there will be a Zambrano vs. Zambrano match-up on ESPN Sunday night.
SHe obviously has an obsession with her husband…but, she is the mother of their children as well. That being said, I’d give the crazy broad half of everything, cut my losses, and go trolling for booty, pronto.
I can’t wait to hear Pat Foley scream “Khabibulin!” this season.
It sure is lonely being the only American on this damn team. I’m proud to be an Okie from Muskogee dammit.
“Trinka Lowe”
Isn’t that a game on The Price Is Right???
There are women in here? (sucks in stomach and sits up straight)
Afternoon miss, would you like some of my delightful salad?
Speaking of Dusty’s proclivity for burning up the bench with substitutes, wasn’t he managing the National League in the infamous All Star game when Selig declared a tie because both teams had run out of players?
I thought I was.
Relax Apex…nobody is who they say they are on the internets.
#15, you are correct. We’re lucky enough to have them both!
just gave birth at the San Diego Zoo. The only thing that I can think about, is Ron Burgundy covering it.
OMG GIRLS POST HERE?!
Sorry apex, didn’t refresh the blog or mean to imply that you are all of these things.
which you probably are…
just kidding
Sounds like someone could use a fruit buzz. #19-#21, you’re like ants at a picnic.
I’m a perfect example of Red Sox family values. Oh, wait… At least I have a hot wife.
you know that San Diego is german for whale’s vagina?
We do have great Christian family values!
I mean, check out that giant diamond-encrusted blingy cross on the Missus!
is worth a thousand words…about one tenth of what those tits are worth.
dudes, there you go again, this thing you’re saying about the Damons doesn’t do good to our chances of having him come here as a free agent next season dudes.
I mean, dudes, you on this ship or not dudes?
I’m not racist.
I think everyone should be fired.
WOO, Huge, WOO, Plastic, WOO, titties, WOO
Sprinkle your salad with a little bit of oregano, trust me, it will look lovely and taste great.
Actually, I take that back…those things are big enough to qualify for Yaboh or Magumbo status.
Jay Mariotti – WOO – wears makeup – WOO, WOO – and dresses -WOO – in women’s clothes – WOO
I’m going to punch you in the ovaries.
Here’s hoping Derek Lowe gets drilled in the head by a fastball and dies. What a heartless weakwilled dishonorable piece of shit. I also hope his future ex and the kids have a nice life living off the millions they’ll get, and that he doesn’t get visitation rights. But that’s just me. I’m old testament about this sort of thing.
So #33? He is being true to himself, now where’s my salad tongs?
Old Testament huh…so can I like, sacrifice them then?
Right in the baby maker.
San Dia-gons.
Johnny, my memory may be failing me here, but I believe that you not only have a hot wife but that you also have a hot ex-wife.
Who cares about the ex when you see the funbags on my current!
I had problems with my ex-wife. she didn’t like my .350 average if you know what I mean.
I call them my “snack trays”.
I’m actually hotter, less fake looking, but my yams aren’t as massive.
Let’s see the ex-wife.
It is hot!
Milk was a bad choice!
I’m just saying the Johnny seems to know what he’s looking for. And what he saw here was, um, mighty impressive.
I’ll bet the Damon’s make alot of us.
dudes stop it! stop it! dudes, he won’t be coming here next year to play Cf and leadoff dudes….you’re ruining it dudes! scoop was right! (snif)
snack trays, funbags, yams…
man, those yams arethe…the…tits! yeah that’s it!
titties, bazooms, cans, bombs, ta tas, magumbos, mams, cazongas, mellons, etc… are all good.
Fuck the pollio vaccine etc, I’m the best medical discovery of the last 150 years.
Angie Vannice is Damon’s ex-wife’s name. I have tried for the last 10 minutes or so to find a pic of her on the net but I haven’t been able to yet.
I do remember seeing video of her and Damon together on an ESPN story when his book came out earlier this year, and I remember thinking what he had kicked to the curb was just as good as what we see from his current (new) wife…
Apparently the ex was without the jewelry however…
BURNITZ
vs LP Pitcher OBP .278 SLG .458 AVG .243
vs RH Pitcher OBP .359 SLG .471 AVG .281
RAMIREZ
vs LH Pitcher OBP .390 SLG .635 AVG .333
vs RHPitcher OBP .347 SLG .571 AVG .301
Like you say andy, Ramirez should always bat 4th.
Scotchy, scotch, scotch. I love scotch!
…speaking of managers making dumb excuses for their players:
ESPN.com reports Philadelphia Phillies manager Charlie Manuel has stated publicly he feels OF Bobby Abreu’s record-setting performance at this year’s All-Star Home Run Derby is to blame for Abreu’s struggles at the plate since the break. He feels Abreu altered his swing and has been unable to regain the form he had prior to the competition.
real reson I’m off is that i miss Miguel cabrera jumping up and down near me when I bat and…well…I also miss his massages.
Q: Who Would Johnny Do?
A: Anyone, Anytime
This is hilarious
“I banged 9 nurses during my wife’s 36-hour labor. It was a lot more fun than sitting in that stuffy little room and listening to her complain.†-JD
http://www.thebrushback.com/Archives/damon_full.htm
I’ll hopefully be in the right field low-level seats tonight with a Cubs jersey and a good looking friend. Derek is going opposite way tonight – that ball is mine! Tomorrow I see Prior pitch and Hank White catch. But be warned, the last Cubs game I was at, someone by the name of Brad Hawpe was at the plate. I hope I’m not the bad luck curse.
Anyways, my soul will be hurting the entire time I’m in that hellhole of sporting mediocrity. http://www.phillysucks.com should make me feel better though, but not as good as a Cubs’ sweep.
“It probably sounds cruel, but you have to understand that I can’t be tied down to being a ‘husband’ and ‘father.’ I wanted to live. I wanted to do things like fish, rock climb, wind surf, and ruin my wife’s life.â€Â
Is this is a real interview? Damn. Who knew I was such a douche?
Yes, Johnny Damon, that interview was real. So was this in the same issue.
http://www.thebrushback.com/Archives/cashstarved_full.htm
Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee.
Ron, you poop mouth.
Remember when I was funny?
Yeah, well OK. Me neither.
None of us were ever funny.
Am I an NSBB post?
Will Ferrell is funny. Ron Burgundy is hilarious. So, hah.
Just working on my guns. Getting ready for the gun show. I did several hundred of these curls while you were out in the lobby.
My new rumor at NSBB is that there will be a big trade during August. I gave no specifics as to teams or players involved.
I also would like to predict that the sun will rise and set somewhere between 28 and 33 times each during August.
How do I come up with this stuff?
It’s a gift.
Some of my stuff is funny, including Anchorman, but in order to see most of it, you would have to sit through Anna Gastayer, Cherri Oterri, Tina Fey, Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Molly Sims, Chris Kattan, and every other unfunny, talentless piece of shit I worked with. Did you think the Roxbury guys were funny? What about the Cheerleader Skit? No? I thought so. Oh yeah, Bewitched is awesome, please go see it. I am funny, but I do not deserve the Belushi, Martin, Murphy, etc status that some give me.
Can you post a link pleasse, so I don’t have to hurt my eyes trying to find it.
Or even Chris Farley, Adam Sandler comparisons.
Some boner at NSBB has an avatr of me with the word GOD written on it. I’m waiting for one with Dave Kingman that says LORD on it. Geez, what a bunch of losers.
We’re funnier than Will Ferrell.
Us too.
“One of my sources told me that Hendry is going to look at the next 16 games…and then take stock on August 18th-off day”. Unbelievable. If this guy were a journalist, he’d be Scoop’s fact checker.
Let me have a lottery ticket, too.
well hello there folks, greetings from hotlanta, home of the bravos.
honesty compels me to say that we are mighty pleased to have the
farns with us, folks.
What makes you think Farns is so great?
some guy ripped on Jayson Stark’s source. So they discount a respected baseball writer, and take everything some young guy who probably has never even seen a gm, or even a front office intern for that matter, as gospel. And you have to pay for some of that shit over there? This Hoops kid probably works at the qucik stop when he’s not making up trade rumors on his parent’s basement computer.
Well, one of my sources told me that Hendry is going to ignore the next 16 games…and then eat a chocolate cream pie on August 18th.
I might be the worst of the bunch
Jim Hendry devouring a dozen donuts and a bear claw at a suburban Dunkin Donuts. I am not sure what he was saying on his cell, but I think a waiver deal is brewing. He was in deep conversation the whole time. Expect a big waiver deal to be made by some team at some time between now and the end of the month. Does anyone have anyone or any of this on their radar?
I know Mrs. Caveman’s jugs take up most of the attention in the wedding picture, but how has Johnny’s sleeveless, hafl-buttoned dress shirt escaped ridicule for this many comments. I think he took some of the Queer Eye tips a little too far. By his fashion choices, his next marriage might be to Billy Bean. Notice the “e” is left off at the end.
dudes, wanna see my lineup for today dudes?
Let’s see it.
dude, you’ll have to wait an hour or so, dude.
I’m still figuring it out with Larry and Sarge dude.
You don’t even come close to the suckitude that is our existence. At least you’ve never inspired reasonable people to think about killing their whole families just to make sure they never saw any of your skits.
I got traded to the Mariners for a cruller?
What the hell is a cruller?
Don’t worry about it, Serg. I found out last year’s trade would have been a no-go unless Theo Epstein sent a box of Boston cremes to Hendry.
OK dudes, here it is, today’s lineup dudes:
M. Lawton lf
J. Hairston Jr. cf
D. Lee 1b
J. Burnitz rf
A. Ramirez 3b
T. Walker 2b
N. Perez ss
M. Barrett c
J. Williams p
gotta have my righty-lefty-righty combination to confuse opponent pitchers, dudes
and also gotta have Holly and Macias ready for my patented double switch dudes.
Enjoy dudes as we try to improve our winning streak to two, dudes.
later dudes.
after seeing me tonight, you’ll call Boro “Mr. Dry”.
I’d like to check out that NSBB site on this borrowed computer. Tales from my 2000 mile walk ought to get me comped there.
1 run, yeah, that’s about right.
We only exist in Hawk’s mind.
Not pitching deep into ball games since 2005.
must….keel….barrett
I hope the big waiver deal is waiving bye-bye to Barrett.
He has been completely useless behind the plate since the all-star break. That’s supposedly the time he hurt his hip or groin, depending on what paper you read. I’ve got to think that unless Barrett mentally checked out of this season during the all-star break, and is thinking too much about his impending sex change operation, that his hip must be to blame for his absolute lack of any mobility behind the plate. And if that’s the case, he needs to go on the d.l. tonight, because he just cost us 1 game and his d is only getting worse. Viva La Hank White!
Some things that have happened since the All Star Break:
The cubs:
1. had a man in second and he couldn’t score with a double.
2. had the closer walk 4 consecutive batters.
The other teams:
1. score a run with a squezze play (twice)
2. score a run with a game ending steal of home plate.
This 4 things, wait, only one of this things doesn’t happen to any other team in maybe years..this is un****ing believable!!
Uh, should I have not done that?
Every day we sink to a new level of incompetence.
I fondly remember the days when a team that couldn’t execute the fundamentals of baseball, and made mental mistake after mental mistake, held their manager and coaches responsible. But now we must be afraid of being labelled racist if we fire an incompetent manager, regardless of the fact that this boob replaced another minority manager who was fired.
When, O when, will Dusty be gone?
Oh When, O when will he go?
But, I’ll have a .500 or better record again. That’s as good as winning a world series right. I mean, I have no talent and a miniscule payroll, right? My buddy Scoop is right about you people, racist, all of you. I will make excuses from now until the end of time, and the media will accept them. Cus if they don’t, they are racist. I teach my team the fundamentals, right? I am the worst manager in a long time. I have taken talented teams and literally managed them out of championships. That’s okay Cubs fans, keep filling the stands, and I’ll keep filling your ears with my bullshit.
We need to be taught fundamentals. Get us Harold Reynolds or Tom Emansky. The best managers in professional baseball are the ones who you see on the field before games putting on a fucking clinic about what to do during a routine ball hit to the right side of the infield. Not Dusty. Oh, no! He’s to busy chewing his toothpick to care. What a miserable bunch of Little League jackoffs we are and it’s ALL DUSTY’S FAULT!!! I mean just look at us! We’re OOZING with talent. Just DRIPPING with it!!! Get us a towell PLEASE!!!
Any number of us make fundamental gaffes every night as well, #103…don’t forget us.
Ooh, look out #103. Where’s our towell? Oh that’s right, we’re using it to wipe the crap off of our rear view mirror so we can see the “less talented” Cubs falling farther and farther back.
I am the best manager ever. Remember my 02′ world series win? All my awesome double switches, and brilliant pitching changes? I never leave pitchers in too long without even having one warmed up and ready in case my guys are gassed. No, no need for that. All my double switches and sac bunts make total sense. I hate walks and left field is the hardest position in the world. I am the black Bobby Cox, you know, just without the immense talent and payroll that he has. My teams never win in spite of me, only because of me. Those A’s, they stink cuz they clog the bases. Racist bastards, I am gonna continue to tamper with free agents so they won’t come here after my inevitable “retirement”.
While I disagree that any of the guys listed under 104 have made game-ending plays quite as thoughtless and dumb as Berut’s tonight (though Burnitz getting picked off 3b against the Nats in the 8th inning with 1 out and down a run was quite the shining moment, too), is there is any particular reason I was left out there?
Also, have backslashes replaced commas nowadays? I can’t keep up with any of this shit, I’m just too damn old.
I’ve tried to stay off the Baker-bashing bandwagon, but I don’t friggin’ understand wtf he gives Hairston the bunt sign with Lawton on 1B. Anyone that can fog a mirror would realize you don’t want first base open with DLee coming up and Burnitz on deck. Nothing like taking the bat out of Lee’s hands there, Dusty. Christ. Of course, if Aramis were batting behind Lee like he should be, it wouldn’t seem quite so stooopid.
Which is bigger, me or me?
http://cache.boston.com/images/bostondirtdogs//Headline_Archives/4.6._mm_reporter_bdd_chin.jpg