A lot of you have wondered where I’ve been all season. After all, this is the first thing I’ve written since spring training. It’s true that over the years I’ve been in and out of Betty Ford more times than Gerald, but I wasn’t off in rehab, and I wasn’t sick.
No, I was helping Al Gore put together his new TV news network aimed at young adults 18-36. I dubbed it Operation: Money Down a Rathole. So when Andy asked me to do the Dose today, I had to jump at the chance to do a little promotion for the network.
The network is called Current TV and you can find us on channel 366 on DirecTV and if you have Comcast’s digital package we’re on channel 125.
I host some of the overnight stuff, so set your TiVo’s. I’m on prime time if you live in Honolulu, and Jerome Williams’ dad thinks I’m terrific.
I also have my own show called Mis(ter)Information with Karry Ling and it doesn’t have a solid time slot yet, but Al has promised I’ll have a permanent home in the near future. Of course, he also promised me I’d be the ambassador to Sweden when he was elected president, and we know how that turned out.
I actually host Mis(ter)Information with Laura Ling, my illegitmate daughter. Apparently on one of my many trips to Cambodia I left a little something behind. She’s great, though. She’s very inquisitive and she always says the cutest things to me like, “Go away, creepy!” and “Wow, I think you’re diaper’s full again, you crusty old jackass!” It’s great.
Hey, remember Amaya from Real World: Hawaii? She was the creepy stalker who told great tales of how she had bulimia when she was like 17 and she always slept with that one guy but wouldn’t let him have sex with her? (Sounds like several of my honeymoons.) Well, she works for Current TV, too. And without her bleach blonde hair you can really see how pretty her eyes are and just how big those front teeth are. Look out!
Yeah, quite the talent pool we’ve got here. Let’s just say there is no deep end of that pool.
Current TV is just great, though. The guys don’t wear ties, I don’t wear pants and I’m pretty sure the girls don’t wear underwear. Now that’s a scoop I’d like to get!
And when Al Gore says that our coverage will be non-partisan and unbiased, he’s right. Why just yesterday he assigned me to do a story on the 2000 Presidential Election recount and how partisan and biased it was. Then he closed the door to his office and wept openly and unashamedly. Well, he was unashamed. The rest of us? Not so much.
Who the hell are you people?! I love these doses. I feel I should have to pay to read them. If it were a pay site, I have to be honest, I would probably steal your content and read it for free anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is thanks.
“A FOUL TIP is a batted ball that goes sharp and direct from the bat to the catcher’s hands and is legally caught. It is not a foul tip unless caught and any foul tip that is caught is a strike, and the ball is in play. It is not a catch if it is a rebound, unless the ball has first touched the catcher’s glove or hand.”
Let’s stop the dumbing down of baseball fans right there. It’s one thing for Barrett to call it a foul tip–he’s a proven idiot. But Karry? A foul tip means he would have caught the ball, it would have been a live ball etc. Barrett meant foul BALL and Kerry, you had drinks with Alexander Cartwright for chrissakes, you should know better.
Also, Will Ohman failed to cover first in a Tuesday night game vs. Toronto. That makes 7.
I forgot to cover first in San Diego.
Eight.
I no pretend folk hero, amigo. In Venezuela, I like rock star. I get all the chicas and all the tacos. It’s fung in Venezuela.
The Cubs are still a bunch of racist crackers! (*#&$* fuckers!!!!
Hey everyone, next time you’re in NYC, be sure to check out K Lounge, my Kama Sutra bar!
Hank is just another Venezuelan F#%K! I am the real rock star mang! Being me is fung, Hank, not so much. I am a sex macheen!
I love yooouuu Ozzie
Ya’ll tell em’ Delino. Where’s my Cris’?
Juan Uribe is the most exciting player in the AL. Eeeeyessss!!! He Gone! Gas!!!
Does my article have real link to it? Or just blue text?
Yeah Joe, you tell em’ brotha’.
F You Joe Morgan….
HOLY SHIT I HAVE NO LEGS
Jeez, cut these guys some slack. It is not as though they are being paid millions of dollars to paly this game.
I’m not getting the big bucks yet, but I seem to be the most fundamentally sound player on the team…hmm….
Hi Cub fans. Hoops here letting you in on my big scoop from MAAAAJOR league sources.
___—-….;;;”’====”””;;;;””'[[lko[[[[[[‘;'”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To decipher this code, it will only cost you $49.95 for UNLIMITED access to PREMIUM content. Bye for now friends!
anyone have Jerry Hairston to Minnesota on their radar? My insider sources and Bruce Levine may or may not.
My sources say that a deal of some kind will go down at some time. Some player will be traded for another player from one team or another. Does anyone have this or anything on thier radar?
I’m telling on you #18, prepare to be banned by the super moderator.
OMG! Hoops is on to something here gang! OMG!!! Dunn is GOD, he will never clear waivers though, he is the best player in the game. I wonder if Hoops will reaveal his source on this one…LOL. Probably not, a good magician never reveals his secrets. Hoops, keep us informed buddy, damn I don’t know how you do it.
Hooooooops, where are you!??! Something happened and we need information!! Hooooops! We neeeeed you!!!!! :-( :-(
:wall: :wall: :wall: :wall:
Hoops, once again you could be on to something here.
That really really hot day in Cincinnati where Maddux pitched just 5 innings, I think I forgot to cover first as did Remmy.
Make it 10.
Should Len’s new word of the day be “numbnuts?”
Scootch over Lenny, you’re hogging all the blankets. Ooh, I fell crazy today, I’m gonna get that Toblerone out of the minibar, I know I’m nasty. Maybe our word of the day can be Chocoholic.
I meant Willie, I’m drunk on man love.
Why do I love will Ohman?
Andy…you should coach the Cubbies from now on. It’d be a modest improvement.
The Cubs are 54-53 at this point. That means they have 55 games left this season. Let’s say they need to win 90 games to win the Wild Card. That means their record has to be 36-19 the rest of the way. THAT MEANS THEY CAN ONLY LOSE 19 GAMES.
Folks you don’t have to work for NASA to figure this one out. THE CUBS ARE FUCKED!
You’re a team that struggles just to win a series. This is a team that doesn’t know the meaning of sweeping another team but knows enough about getting swept.
It’s so simple to see and could be easy to do, but Jim Hendry needs to put up the white flag this year and make a stand by firing Dusty Baker effective immediately. You make Chris Speir interim manager now and see what happens. He might do great and you can sign him next year as your manager.
It worked for Houston last year by getting rid of Jimmy Williams, why can’t it work for the Cubs? By sticking with Dusty, this team is doomed. It’s just so painful and disgusting for us fans to watch this shit. It really makes you hate this organization.
Baker Basher
Hey it’s not our fault! We keep giving up these screaming rockets to the right side that are supposed to be singles and doubes. But DeeLee keeps catching them and catching them. He’s like fucking Rodan over there. Your first instinct is to look real sad after giving up a smash like that and wipe sweat from your brow but with Lee you never know you might have to go over and cover the base. He’s making us all look bad I tell you. He’s the one who should be run out of town! Not we!
Morgan’s article is fixed. Karry gets a little excited sometimes. That’s always messy.
Why not? I’m sexxxy
AHAHAHHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAH!!! That’s a good fucking joke. I mean I’m a… heh heh heh.
We can all see the big Dustygate coming. I can’t wait. I don’t really care who takes over the team…at this point Dusty has lost his marbles. I saw that Todd Hollandsworth got a two-run judy last night. Did he start in LF? Why can’t Dusty let Murton play LF and throw the savior Lawton in CF?
P.S., Harold Reynolds wants to know why C-Pat is still a Cub.
I’d like to play center but I take very poor routes to balls. Not a good thing for a CF to do. Jeromy is a better option there.
Adam, I just spoke with Harold, and he asked me that very question. I told him to check with Jim and gave hiom his cell number.
Today’s batting order (the Cubs Live goes up in a few minutes)
Lawton, lf
Walker, 2b
Lee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b (no, really, he’s batting cleanup against a righty)
Burnitz, rf
Neifi?, ss (guh)
Macias, cf (double guh)
Hank, c
Prior
You’ve got to be kidding me. Macias? So it was OK to play Burnitz in center for the last three innings last night, but it would have killed him to have used Murton or Hollandsworth, insted we go with the Gremlin, who on top of not being a good hitter isn’t a good outfielder.
Bravo, Dustmeister! Bra-frickin-vo!
Harold is a f*cking idiot. In the name of Ryne Sandberg I hate him…
Lawton is faster than Jeromy (even though J-Burn is still quite fleet of foot) and the reason I said that was to get The Lesser out of the lineup.
Macias is playing OF for Little Jerry instead of me today.
I’m going to be in the dugout today, and so is Williamson, does Hendry know we don’t have to wait for Kerry to come off the DL (tomorrow) for us to be able to play?
Hey, I’m not great in any of the three OF spots, but since I have no arm, doesn’t it make more sense to play me in center instead of that wild ass rotation we pulled last night where I went to right and Burnitz went to center?
Andy, do you think that Dusty is doing that thing where he makes a move (like playing Macias over Murton over and over again) just so Hendry wakes up and realizes that Macias is wasting the rest of the bench’s oxygen by keeping him on the team? I sure as hell hope so.
Wait:
“What’s left to clean out?
Just make sure you pick up all those toothpicks before you leave. ”
Who hired the toothpicks? Who handpicked Barrett?
Might look to toss out the Krispy Kreme’s too/
Hey #27 (Adam), I wrote this Dose, not Andy! Does that mean I should be the Cubs’ manager? Because I’ll do it! I used to babysit Jack McKeon, so I’ve got all kinds of knowledge!
Broken News Cub Fans!
I have it on good account that today’s dose was in fact not written by Andy and in fact not all doses are/are not/ or maybe are/not/and/is/possibly written by someone other than or equal in regards to Andy. That’s a freebe
Damn…my bad, Karry. Go ahead…and for the love of Jimminy tap-dancin’ Christmas please get rid of Jose’ Macias. Wouldn’t Ben Grieve do a better job than that little troll doll? In fact, will Macias be around when Nomar gets back? We will have a versatile infielder by the name of Neifi! who can stand half-retarded like at 3B, SS and 2B and do a better job than Macias.
Forgot to write Hoops after my post, which I do often, in case you forget my internet message board nickname which is provided with each post I make.
Hoops
Little Jerry got hurt last night. Rumor is that the Cubs might recall KPat from Iowa. The bad news just keeps on snowballing.
That means today’s lineup looks like this:
Lawton-LF
Macias-RF
Lee-1B
Burnitz-CF
Ramirez-3B
Walker-2B
Perez-SS
Blanco-C
Prior-P
Once again if Dusty wasn’t such a dumbfuck the lineup would look like this:
Lawton-RF(since that’s where he’s been playing this year the most)
Walker-2B
Lee-1B
Ramirez-3B
Burnitz-CF
Murton-LF
Perez-SS
Blanco-C
Prior-P
Note: Dusty needs to go down to the closest little league field and go over a lineup with a coach from one of the teams playing. Looking over the lineup and batting averages, Dusty would notice that the best hitters are hit at the top of the order and in sequence no matter fucking what. The shitty players and ones that can’t hit and catch a ball are down in the lineup or either on the bench.
SOME PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD JUST DON’T GET IT. DUSTY IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
Also, KPat will be used in Dustbag’s ignorant double switch in the later innings. Aren’t we all excited about that.
Baker Basher
Sorry, dudes.
Gotta get Macias in.
I’m gonna go with Neifi, Macias, Blanco, 6-7-8. How does that sound?
thats not todays lineup at all, BB
LSD LEGAL IS RUSSIA! MAYBE! YIPPY!
WTF
“Actress Barbara Streisand was one of those, who signed the above-mentioned petition. The actress confessed that it was LSD, which helped her survive the nervous breakdown, when the star discovered that her only son was a homosexual.”
Hey #47, I’ll supply the rumors around here, thank you. I’m checking with my source in DesMoines as we speak.
Hoops
Crone dog taste just rike oliginar!
http://www.cnn.com/2005/TECH/science/08/03/dog.clone.ap/index.html
HOUSTON…HA..LOW!
(or is it Houston, goodbye?)
#41, Dusty isn’t that clever, he’s playing Macias to try and get Murton off the team, not the gremlin.
“Dude, (Dusty cackles as he writes out the lineup) I’ll show that donut eater, put the Gremlin in CF and Murton can go to West Tenn ’cause his light-skinned a&$ can’t play in the heat. It’s history. The Gremlin is like a heat machine, the hotter it gets the more heat he reflects – dude, he’s gonna blind the hitters!”
I looked like a little leaguer going back for that ball.
Now that we are down 4-0 in the first, I think I’ll give up another run or two and call it a day.
Oh shit, I tried that in Atlanta and Dusty left me out there to hang myself.
first five runners have reached base, four have scored. Nobody out. No visit from Rothschild, who is sucking on his flask and muttering obscenities to Gene Clines.
Prior recovers to strike out the side, after putting us down by a four spot.
That should be plenty for the Phils, as Brett Myers has owned us over his career.
Hey! Get out of my Dose! The gamecast is over here!
https://www.desipio.com/2005/08/04/cubs-live-cubs-at-philadelphia-noon-84/
Jeesh.
Why do you guys have a problem with Hoops? If you hate what is posted on NSBB so much, don’t go there. Although it is funny when someone makes an obvious bunk thread about adam dunn and a 45 page thread ensues.
But seriously, as an avid reader of both NSBB and Desipio, I don’t understand the hate.
Hoops, I wanna make sweet love to you all night long.
Hey I didn’t say that!
At least I don’t remember……
You may be an avid reader… but try posting and going against one of the few “sages” of the board that everyone beats off to. Look up the Algonquin roundtable sometime and you’ll understand.
Who are we?
It’s exciting to have Nomar, Williamson, and Wood on the bench. I don’t know who to hug first! Who wants it?
I am a word, but as Inigo Montoya would say, “I do not think it means what you think it means”
adj.
Arranged in regular rows, as the spots on the wings of an insect.
n.
Symbol y The plane Cartesian coordinate representing the distance from a specified point to the x-axis, measured parallel to the y-axis.