One of the more popular (though completely unsupportable) conspiracy theories of recent sports is that Michael Jordan didn’t “retire” in 1993, only to return in 1995, but that he was suspended for gambling by David Stern, and that Stern didn’t want the world to know that his most popular player had been suspended.

What’s the over/under on how long it will take one of the gaggle of talentless-Chicago newspaper writers (take your pick from Gordo, Phildo, Rosenbloom, Telander, Morrissey, etc.) to figure out that E-ramis Ramirez will have missed exactly 50 games with his shoulder injury, and intimate that E-ramis’ injury was just a well-acted ruse to hide a 50-game steroid suspension?

It makes no sense, and actually, would be impossible, but we can’t really put anything past these jackasses can we?

Never mind that E-ramis was on the disabled list and was paid while he was out, so it’s impossible that he was suspended.  This is their MO, and I’m stunned none of them has pounced on this.

But they, there’s probably a reason.  They’d have to be able to add the 24 wins and 26 losses that the Cubs have had without E-ramis and get 50.

There’s probably only a 50-50 shot any of them could do that.

That fact that E-ramis is back is undeniably huge for the Cubs.  Nobody expects him to hit the ground running and continue at the nice clip he’d started the season at (.364, 4 HR, 16 RBI, 1.008 OPS in 18 games), but we do expect him to eventually hit, and we’ll all hold our breath every time he dives for a grounder or trips over second base.  He’s not just the best player the Cubs have, he’s the one we assumed (and were proven correct) is the hardest to replace.

In the end, Jake Fox proved to be a competent fill-in, even if he inexplicably backhands every grounder hit his way.  Fox made the throws, didn’t embarrass himself in the field (except for the game in Pissburgh when he fielded the ball then took a step towards first and for some reason fell to the ground like he was trying to recover a fumble), and he hit.  It kind of makes you wonder why the Cubs didn’t know he could do that all along, and why they basically ruined Mike Fontenot’s first half by shuttling him between second and third when he had enough to worry about at the plate.  It’s probably a coincidence, (wink, wink) but Fontenot has hit 40 points better (.264–still not great but not terrible) when he plays second, as opposed to when he plays third.  When Fontenot wasn’t playing there, Aaron Miles was, and the best place for Miles to be playing these days would be for the Schaumburg Flyers.

Returning with E-ramis tonight are Reed Johnson and Angel Guzman.  So this is what constitutes the cavalry these days?  A very good player, a fourth outfielder and an oft-injured reliever?  Hey, we’ll take it.  The NL Central is giving off the distinct odor of “In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king,” these days.

And the optimist in you (if he still exists) has to feel like the Cardinals and Brewers blew any chance they had of winning this thing by not being able to put the Cubs away while they muddled around during E-ramis’ absence.

But on the day he got hurt the Cubs were 2.5 games out, and today, they’re 2.5 games out.  All of the “experts” said that the Cubs had to tread water and stay within shouting distance of first until he came back to have a chance.  Well, they did just that, but instead the “experts” have been ignoring that and spending more time demanding Carlos Zambrano be waived because he hit a journeyman scrub outfielder in the butt with a pitch, or screwing over a fellow beat writer and the Sox clubhouse staff by printing something they were told was off the record.

The Cubs still have the best pitching in the division.  They have a fully rejuvenated Derrek Lee at first base.  Their Doobie Brother catcher has figured out how to hit again.  Their scrappy (and oft clueless) shortstop is turning in another good season.  The much-maligned center fielder plays good defense and though he still can be streaky, shows no signs of falling off the cliff like he did last year.   And everybody keeps telling us that Alfonso Soriano and Milton Bradley can’t be this bad this much longer.  (But you know how they love to prove guys wrong…)

The most encouraging sign happened just this past weekend.  In each of the previous two seasons there’s been a big series with the Brewers.  One when Milwaukee was pretty full of themselves, brimming with confidence and ready to prove they were the best team in the division.

In 2007, that series was at Wrigley just before the All-Star Break and the Cubs started things off like this:

[Youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrEouiFvS_8]

In 2008, it was late July series at Miller Park.  Four games in four days to set the tone for the stretch run.  The Cubs set the tone alright, they won all four and ended the race right there.

This year it started on Friday.  Milwaukee was 3.5 games ahead of the Cubs.  If they could step on the Cubs and win all four they’d be 7.5 up and have dealt a huge blow to the Cubs’ confidence.

But Derrek Lee would have none of it.  He homered twice in the first four innings of game one, including a grand slam and the Cubs won easily.  The next day, Kosuke made an impossible throw to nail the impossibly slow Jeff Suppan at home and the Cubs won in extra innings when Jake Fox took a pitch that was about half an inch too high (if too high at all) with a full count and full bases.

Rich Harden was gawdawful on Saturday and the Brewers got their pep back.  A win on Sunday would mean they had come back to salvage a split.  It’d be a moral victory if nothing else.

But somebody told Ted Lilly that he was an All-Star and he pitched like it.  And Jake Fox proved he doesn’t want to go back to Iowa (we’ve been to Iowa, we can’t blame him), and the Cubs pounded the Brewers again.

And though you can still find a pile of nits to pick, the Cubs look like they might just have it in them again.

Oh sure, they could still take a steamer on the homestand and limp into the All-Star Break.  But we’re starting to get the feeling that they’re ready to suck us in again.

And who doesn’t enjoy a good sucking?

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Speaking of suck, Dave Kaplan’s going to be more insufferable than usual today.  Even though speculation has been growing that the sale of the Cubs to Tom Ricketts and his parents (and sister…is she hot, and or single?) Kaplan started yelling the loudest the past couple of days that the sale was going to happen in the next two weeks.

Apparently, it happened yesterday.  Kap can’t be that clued in though.  Because last night he posted this, and he wasn’t aware that the papers had been signed.

What you can expect from Tom Ricketts and family

After breaking the story on the sale of the Cubs finally being close to completion to the Ricketts family I have been inundated with e-mails asking what type of owner Tom Ricketts will be. After talking with several people who know Tom Ricketts and his family the reviews that I am getting are glowing with praise for what they will be like as owners of the Cubs.

“Breaking the story?”  You basically just repeated what the Ricketts’ family spokesman had been saying since the day Marc Utay’s group got back into the negotiations for the team.  That progress had been made and that the deal was getting closer.  Wow.  Awesome.

And what is an e-mail inundation to you?  Three, four?  “Hey, honey, my e-mail machine has a big TWO on it!”

Everyone I have spoken with talked about the type of person that Tom Ricketts is, calling him a first class guy who treats everyone who works for him with class. Ricketts is a very astute businessman who may have made his money in the financial sector but he has long wanted to own the Chicago Cubs and when he saw the opportunity he and his family jumped at it.

I love the second sentence here even more than that ponderous first one.  So even though Ricketts made his money in the financial sector he has always wanted to own the Cubs.  How are these mutually exclusive?  How was he supposed to make the money to buy the Cubs, by being the best beer vendor ever?  Because if that’s the case, Scottie Pippen would own the Cubs, or at least the Sox:

Legend has it that Ricketts met his wife at Wrigley Field and that during his teenage years he lived in a building next to the ballpark. He has always been very open about his love for the Cubs and people that I spoke with expect his competitive nature to been evident in his decision making about the team.

That’s quite a legend.  It’s right up there with Beowulf.

Wait, during his teenage years he lived in a building next to the ballpark?  You mean he was the high school drop out who was sleeping in the Yum Yum Donuts dumpster?

And if you ask me, he was too “open about his love for the Cubs and the people that [you] spoke with.”  Put some pants, on already, Ricketts!  Oh, wait, that sentence-fragments-thought-car-crash you just executed wasn’t supposed to be read that way?

Who will be the baseball people that they add to the club? Speculation has centered on either retaining Crane Kenney or bringing in a veteran like Sandy Alderson who has had experience running a major league organization.

That’s some speculation.  Your sources are really clued in.  It’s almost like they read a daily newspaper three months ago.

But hey, at least you didn’t advocate that Ricketts bring in some overrated never-was who likes to act like he knows a lot more about baseball than you or I do.  When in reality he’s just famous for saying “one more slider in the dirt and he’ll get him” 142 times a season and being right 20 times, so that people think he’s psychic.  I mean, that would just be dumb.  Even for you, Kap.

One move that would make tremendous sense would be to add Steve Stone to the front office as an assistant to Ricketts. Who better to help the Cubs than the brilliant Stone who has played for the Cubs, called their games for 20+ years and is considered one of the brightest minds in the sport?  No one has been around this organization longer and has a better idea of what they need than Stone.

Fuck.

Come on, even you, the biggest pseduo-star-chasing kiss ass doesn’t believe this is really a good idea, right?  I mean, you do realize Stone is a guy who once advocated trading E-ramis Ramirez for Cesar Izturis, right?  If this guy is such a sage, how come none of the other 29 teams in Major League Baseball ever wanted to give him a job in their front office?  Could it be that instead of a clued-in, brilliant baseball insider, he’s just another color analyst who fills three hours a day espousing expertise that he’ll never actually be held accoutable for?

But he won a Cy Young!  Yeah, well, does that mean the Cubs should hire Mark Davis or Willie Hernandez, too?

While the sale process has dragged on for 2 1/2 years the end appears to be near and it will be good for the club to have an owner at the top who will be hands on regarding the day to day operation of the team.

The Cubs are also exploring some trades before the July 31 deadline, and you can bet that Ricketts is being consulted on how much payroll he is willing to add.  But don’t expect a huge deal that would add millions to the payroll. A tweak to the bullpen and perhaps a bat for the bench are about all that the Cubs are considering at this point. It’s nice to dream about a big star riding in to the rescue but it does not appear likely.

Oh, yeah, please get back to your “sources” the ones who had all that insight last week about how Alfonso Soriano should swing at more strikes and that Ryan Theriot should be moved to second and the Cubs should acquire a ‘standout shortstop’?  (As if those are just something you can buy at Costco.)

Why don’t you just do what you do “best” get out your pom poms and lead the standing ovations for Mark DeRosa and Sam Fuld, and leave the rest of the world to actually watch and comprehend what’s going on with the team.