2014 WORLD CUP - SOCCER IS GHEY PART DOIS.

[Eli]

But really I just respect soccer fans at this point. How you muster up that much excitement for something that appears to be so uneventful is beyond me. I don't even say that as an insult or whatever. I gather that to soccer fans there's a million things going in in that seemingly interminable distance between goals that will never make sense to me or excite me. Yet most of the world lives and dies for it. Good on you.

I think the rest of the world probably says the same thing about American football.

Even if you take out the beer commercials altogether, the majority of your time spent watching the game is occupied by players shuffling on and off the field, standing around for a bit, maybe having a group hug in the backfield then standing together in lines facing each other while pointing and shouting at various people. Followed by a quick man-pile somewhere. Unstack man-pile. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Obviously, to our eyes, those incessant 40-second breaks in the action are where a lot of the game lives. Personnel and formations. Down and distance. Anticipation of play calls in the context of the game and history. But, if you don't have the familiarity with the sport for any of that context to register, any drama that might be found in the gaps is lost on you and it just looks like a whole lot of standing around punctuated by bouts of unintelligible chaos and man-piles. Whistle, dancing robot, beer ad.

And that's one of our most exciting American sports.

What helps football is that the networks have turned it into a great TV entertainment piece. Despite the shithole announcers you may get for your team's game, they're going to throw replays, graphics, stats, and interviews at you to make it feel like there's action the whole time.

Man, going to an *actual* football game must fucking suck.

It actually kind of does.

[InternetApex]

But really I just respect soccer fans at this point. How you muster up that much excitement for something that appears to be so uneventful is beyond me. I don't even say that as an insult or whatever. I gather that to soccer fans there's a million things going in in that seemingly interminable distance between goals that will never make sense to me or excite me. Yet most of the world lives and dies for it. Good on you.

I think the rest of the world probably says the same thing about American football.

Even if you take out the beer commercials altogether, the majority of your time spent watching the game is occupied by players shuffling on and off the field, standing around for a bit, maybe having a group hug in the backfield then standing together in lines facing each other while pointing and shouting at various people. Followed by a quick man-pile somewhere. Unstack man-pile. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Obviously, to our eyes, those incessant 40-second breaks in the action are where a lot of the game lives. Personnel and formations. Down and distance. Anticipation of play calls in the context of the game and history. But, if you don't have the familiarity with the sport for any of that context to register, any drama that might be found in the gaps is lost on you and it just looks like a whole lot of standing around punctuated by bouts of unintelligible chaos and man-piles. Whistle, dancing robot, beer ad.

And that's one of our most exciting American sports.

What helps football is that the networks have turned it into a great TV entertainment piece. Despite the shithole announcers you may get for your team's game, they're going to throw replays, graphics, stats, and interviews at you to make it feel like there's action the whole time.

Man, going to an *actual* football game must fucking suck.

It actually kind of does.

Shaking my damn head.

[Powdered Toast Man]

But really I just respect soccer fans at this point. How you muster up that much excitement for something that appears to be so uneventful is beyond me. I don't even say that as an insult or whatever. I gather that to soccer fans there's a million things going in in that seemingly interminable distance between goals that will never make sense to me or excite me. Yet most of the world lives and dies for it. Good on you.

I think the rest of the world probably says the same thing about American football.

Even if you take out the beer commercials altogether, the majority of your time spent watching the game is occupied by players shuffling on and off the field, standing around for a bit, maybe having a group hug in the backfield then standing together in lines facing each other while pointing and shouting at various people. Followed by a quick man-pile somewhere. Unstack man-pile. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Obviously, to our eyes, those incessant 40-second breaks in the action are where a lot of the game lives. Personnel and formations. Down and distance. Anticipation of play calls in the context of the game and history. But, if you don't have the familiarity with the sport for any of that context to register, any drama that might be found in the gaps is lost on you and it just looks like a whole lot of standing around punctuated by bouts of unintelligible chaos and man-piles. Whistle, dancing robot, beer ad.

And that's one of our most exciting American sports.

What helps football is that the networks have turned it into a great TV entertainment piece. Despite the shithole announcers you may get for your team's game, they're going to throw replays, graphics, stats, and interviews at you to make it feel like there's action the whole time.

Man, going to an *actual* football game must fucking suck.

It actually kind of does.

Unless you get a good seat. And I consider a good seat either A. In the suites where I can eat, drink and watch it on TV or B. In the mid or upper levels where I can see the plays develop.

Otherwise, it's much better to watch football at home.

[SKO]

But really I just respect soccer fans at this point. How you muster up that much excitement for something that appears to be so uneventful is beyond me. I don't even say that as an insult or whatever. I gather that to soccer fans there's a million things going in in that seemingly interminable distance between goals that will never make sense to me or excite me. Yet most of the world lives and dies for it. Good on you.

I think the rest of the world probably says the same thing about American football.

Even if you take out the beer commercials altogether, the majority of your time spent watching the game is occupied by players shuffling on and off the field, standing around for a bit, maybe having a group hug in the backfield then standing together in lines facing each other while pointing and shouting at various people. Followed by a quick man-pile somewhere. Unstack man-pile. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Obviously, to our eyes, those incessant 40-second breaks in the action are where a lot of the game lives. Personnel and formations. Down and distance. Anticipation of play calls in the context of the game and history. But, if you don't have the familiarity with the sport for any of that context to register, any drama that might be found in the gaps is lost on you and it just looks like a whole lot of standing around punctuated by bouts of unintelligible chaos and man-piles. Whistle, dancing robot, beer ad.

And that's one of our most exciting American sports.

What helps football is that the networks have turned it into a great TV entertainment piece. Despite the shithole announcers you may get for your team's game, they're going to throw replays, graphics, stats, and interviews at you to make it feel like there's action the whole time.

Man, going to an *actual* football game must fucking suck.

It's pretty inferior to staying at home and viewing the game on a large screen TV with twitter and a million stat-tracking websites and the option of viewing multiple games at the same time. Although there's nothing better than being their live when the awesome plays happen.

I really like going to the games. When the Bears win and I was there to witness it, I have a great feeling that lasts for days. Certain plays like the great Jeffery grabs last year and game-turning picks of the the Lovie era sent the whole crowd into a hysteria that you just can't get at home in your pajamas with all your favorite nerds queering off on Twitter. That's a nice substitute. And the Bears don't always win, that's for sure. But Charles Tillman picking off Favre in the endzone and running it back 95 yards at the end of that half before they beat that motherfucker bloody in the second? I was there and we were fucking insane. All of us. Wild fucking dogs. Salivating... That's living. Fuck Twitter.

What did I say, dammit?

[SKO]

It should also be noted that when I'm weighing the benefits of the game live vs. at home I can't help but think of the fact that for me that requires at least a 4 hour drive in either direction, hotel reservations, etc. It's a pain in the ass.

[InternetApex]

It should also be noted that when I'm weighing the benefits of the game live vs. at home I can't help but think of the fact that for me that requires at least a 4 hour drive in either direction, hotel reservations, etc. It's a pain in the ass.

I used to do the same thing for four years before I moved up here. Of course DadPex was paying so... yeah, I get it. It's expensive. But at this point it's part of the reason I work so damn hard in the first place. So many things I can't do anymore because I have to be a responsible adult - blah blah blah... The flipside though is Bears.

I know you would prefer a live game if you could get it at a reasonable price. I sounded off the way I did in a preemptive strike at the ninnies who claim their crappy tv experience is better than actually getting out and hanging with live human beings.

[SKO]

It should also be noted that when I'm weighing the benefits of the game live vs. at home I can't help but think of the fact that for me that requires at least a 4 hour drive in either direction, hotel reservations, etc. It's a pain in the ass.

I used to do the same thing for four years before I moved up here. Of course DadPex was paying so... yeah, I get it. It's expensive. But at this point it's part of the reason I work so damn hard in the first place. So many things I can't do anymore because I have to be a responsible adult - blah blah blah... The flipside though is Bears.

I know you would prefer a live game if you could get it at a reasonable price. I sounded off the way I did in a preemptive strike at the ninnies who claim their crappy tv experience is better than actually getting out and hanging with live human beings.

Also jaded by the Bears going 0-4 in games I have attended in person. While the first loss gave me a lifelong bond with Smilin' Hank Burris, the three subsequent games have involved watching Pete Carroll's boys murder Johnny Knox, seeing Adrian Peterson rip off 154 yards to dash the 2012 team's playoff hopes, then watching Marc Trestman opt for a missed field goal on second down after seeing Matt fucking Cassel of all people convert a 4th and 11 from his own end zone on a game tying drive. It wears on one.

[InternetApex]

It should also be noted that when I'm weighing the benefits of the game live vs. at home I can't help but think of the fact that for me that requires at least a 4 hour drive in either direction, hotel reservations, etc. It's a pain in the ass.

I used to do the same thing for four years before I moved up here. Of course DadPex was paying so... yeah, I get it. It's expensive. But at this point it's part of the reason I work so damn hard in the first place. So many things I can't do anymore because I have to be a responsible adult - blah blah blah... The flipside though is Bears.

I know you would prefer a live game if you could get it at a reasonable price. I sounded off the way I did in a preemptive strike at the ninnies who claim their crappy tv experience is better than actually getting out and hanging with live human beings.

Also jaded by the Bears going 0-4 in games I have attended in person. While the first loss gave me a lifelong bond with Smilin' Hank Burris, the three subsequent games have involved watching Pete Carroll's boys murder Johnny Knox, seeing Adrian Peterson rip off 154 yards to dash the 2012 team's playoff hopes, then watching Marc Trestman opt for a missed field goal on second down after seeing Matt fucking Cassel of all people convert a 4th and 11 from his own end zone on a game tying drive. It wears on one.

That's understandable, I guess. But what's really important now is this:

Soccer thread = Pan Am Flight 103.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

But what's really important now is this:

Soccer thread = Pan Am Flight 103.

[PenFoe]

But what's really important now is this:

Soccer thread = Pan Am Flight 103.

He said Pan Am 103, not Air Force One.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

How Jurgen Klinsmann Plans to Make U.S. Soccer Better (and Less American):

To Klinsmann, the idea that Donovan deserved a place on the team represented much that is wrong with American sports. He has never understood the American coaching custom of deferring to a team's stars.

"This always happens in America," Klinsmann told me, waving his hands in the air. "Kobe Bryant, for example — why does he get a two-year contract extension for $50 million? Because of what he is going to do in the next two years for the Lakers? Of course not. Of course not. He gets it because of what he has done before. It makes no sense. Why do you pay for what has already happened?"

[Yeti]

How Jurgen Klinsmann Plans to Make U.S. Soccer Better (and Less American):

To Klinsmann, the idea that Donovan deserved a place on the team represented much that is wrong with American sports. He has never understood the American coaching custom of deferring to a team's stars.

"This always happens in America," Klinsmann told me, waving his hands in the air. "Kobe Bryant, for example — why does he get a two-year contract extension for $50 million? Because of what he is going to do in the next two years for the Lakers? Of course not. Of course not. He gets it because of what he has done before. It makes no sense. Why do you pay for what has already happened?"

What a tool. RESPECT AMERICA, FOREIGNER

[Brownie]

How Jurgen Klinsmann Plans to Make U.S. Soccer Better (and Less American):

To Klinsmann, the idea that Donovan deserved a place on the team represented much that is wrong with American sports. He has never understood the American coaching custom of deferring to a team's stars.

"This always happens in America," Klinsmann told me, waving his hands in the air. "Kobe Bryant, for example — why does he get a two-year contract extension for $50 million? Because of what he is going to do in the next two years for the Lakers? Of course not. Of course not. He gets it because of what he has done before. It makes no sense. Why do you pay for what has already happened?"

What a tool. RESPECT AMERICA, FOREIGNER

Theourgen Klinsstink is terrible.

Epstein also made it plain that he'll be assembling a roster with an awareness of players' career arcs, especially when it comes to signing free agents.

"The key is to pay for future performance, not past performance," Epstein said.

[PenFoe]

How Jurgen Klinsmann Plans to Make U.S. Soccer Better (and Less American):

To Klinsmann, the idea that Donovan deserved a place on the team represented much that is wrong with American sports. He has never understood the American coaching custom of deferring to a team's stars.

"This always happens in America," Klinsmann told me, waving his hands in the air. "Kobe Bryant, for example — why does he get a two-year contract extension for $50 million? Because of what he is going to do in the next two years for the Lakers? Of course not. Of course not. He gets it because of what he has done before. It makes no sense. Why do you pay for what has already happened?"

What a tool. RESPECT AMERICA, FOREIGNER

Theourgen Klinsstink is terrible.

Epstein also made it plain that he'll be assembling a roster with an awareness of players' career arcs, especially when it comes to signing free agents.

"The key is to pay for future performance, not past performance," Epstein said.

Also, sex.

[J. Walter Weatherman]

How Jurgen Klinsmann Plans to Make U.S. Soccer Better (and Less American):

To Klinsmann, the idea that Donovan deserved a place on the team represented much that is wrong with American sports. He has never understood the American coaching custom of deferring to a team's stars.

"This always happens in America," Klinsmann told me, waving his hands in the air. "Kobe Bryant, for example — why does he get a two-year contract extension for $50 million? Because of what he is going to do in the next two years for the Lakers? Of course not. Of course not. He gets it because of what he has done before. It makes no sense. Why do you pay for what has already happened?"

What a tool. RESPECT AMERICA, FOREIGNER

Theourgen Klinsstink is terrible.

Epstein also made it plain that he'll be assembling a roster with an awareness of players' career arcs, especially when it comes to signing free agents.

"The key is to pay for future performance, not past performance," Epstein said.

Also, sex.

We are very casual in the way we approach things.

This flies in the face of everything I thought I knew about German sexual attitudes.