Desipio Message Board

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

So many to choose from.  I'll trust that Kerm will shoulder the load over at HJE.

One of my favorites, though:

QuoteJeff Samardzija is still a year away.

First, he's about 15 years away.  Second, did anyone really think Samardzija would play a critical role this season?

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

Quote35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

Is he man enough?

Quote from: Eli on June 11, 2008, 12:34:07 PM
So many to choose from.  I'll trust that Kerm will shoulder the load over at HJE.

One of my favorites, though:

QuoteJeff Samardzija is still a year away.

First, he's about 15 years away.  Second, did anyone really think Samardzija would play a critical role this season?

How about Sean Marshall's hamstring? A losing record vs. the Nationals?

Someone needs to beat this guy with a sack of doorknobs.

I have all but stopped reading the Sun-Times.

Gordon makes a number of good points. I'm sure Bucky Dent, Gene Mauch, the 1964 Cardinals, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk circa April 2007, Tom Glavine, Herman Franks, Mike Krukow, Bruce Sutter, Dave Kingman, Bill Buckner, Barry Foote, Sports Illustrated and Time Warner, Gary Matthews, Bobby Dernier, Keith Moreland, Leon Durham, Jim Frey, Rick Sutcliffe, Ron Cey, Scott Sanderson, Sad Sam Jones, Rafael Palmeiro, Vance Law, Andre Dawson, Ryne Sandberg, Shawon Dunston, Whitey Herzog, Sammy Sosa, Moises Alou, the 1911, 1919, 1930, 1933, 1936, 1939, 1946, 1985, 1990, 1999 and 2004 Cubs, any living kitten, Steve Bartman, Rondell White, Don Baylor, Jason Bere, Jeff Fassero, Kevin Tapani, Tom Gordon, Eric Young, Ricky Gutierrez, or Ron Coomer will have much to do with what the Cubs do the rest of the way.

I suppose Albert Pujols might be even more of a factor as well.

Finally, Gordon might know a little too much about our new best friend:

Quote35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

If I didn't have friends working in the STNG, I'd be hoping the paper would just fold already.

QuoteNot enough left-handed pitching (the Will Ohman Curse).

There is a curse named for Will Fucking Ohman?

QuoteRich Hill might not be in the rotation the rest of the year.

Because Rich was doing a stellar job of helping them win before being sent down.

QuoteThe Cubs have a rookie behind the plate.

You mean the guy leading catchers in All-Star vote totals?

QuoteIs converted closer Ryan Dempster a legitimate No. 2 starter who can hold up at this level all season and through October?

That's not a reason, it's a question.  Asshat.

QuoteLast time on the mound, Carlos Zambrano cursed, hulked and jumped around like the out-of-control kid he said he'd outgrown.

Yes...Z's last start (which is already in the books) is goingto prevent them from winning the World Series.

QuoteBartman back in force after Moises Alou blames him all over again for 2003.

Fuck you ya hack.

QuoteJason Bay.

The Pirates?  Really?

QuoteEyre is the team's best lefty.

Someone has to be, asshole.

QuoteEyre is 36, and his elbow is closer to 46 in pitcher years.

Where's R Man Jew when you need him?

Quote92. Mathematically, they're in the biggest division in the majors...

93. ...and the larger league.

Congratulations, you can count (because you sure as shit can't write).

Not my best offering, but here goes anyway:

QuoteFrom: T.J. Brown
Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 12:54 PM
To: 'gwittenmyer@suntimes.com'
Subject: Confused with your column

Dear Gordon,

I was just curious what role the following people will play in the next 101 games.  Since you believe these people are reasons the Cubs will not go to the World Series next year, I'm anxiously waiting for your reply, so I can do other things this summer and not worry about baseball.

Still, I don't see how the following players will be able to affect any Cubs games:

Bucky Dent
Gene Mauch
Members of the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals (baseball)
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk staff circa April 2007
Herman Franks
Mike Krukow
Bruce Sutter
Dave Kingman
Bill Buckner
Barry Foote
Sports Illustrated and Time Warner
Gary Matthews
Bobby Dernier
Keith Moreland
Leon Durham
Jim Frey
Rick Sutcliffe
Ron Cey
Scott Sanderson
Sad Sam Jones
Rafael Palmeiro
Vance Law
Andre Dawson
Shawon Dunston
Whitey Herzog
Sammy Sosa
Frank Chance
Joe Tinker
Orval Overall
Fred Mitchell (the ex-Cubs manager, not the Trib writer or the Eagles WR)
Hippo Vaughn
Hack Wilson
Kiki Cuyler
Joe McCarthy
Rogers Hornsby
Mark Koenig
Charlie Root
Charlie Grimm
Andy Pafko
Gabby Hartnett
Dizzy Dean
Billy Herman
Billy Jurges
Peanuts Lowery
Philip K. Wrigley
Ray Fontenot
Steve Engel
Johnny Abrego
Reggie Patterson
Derek Botelho
Lary Sorenson
George Frazier
Don Zimmer
Mike Harkey
Shaun Boskie
Lance Dickson
Gary Gaetti
Rick Aguilera
Jim Riggleman
Henry Rodriguez
Mickey Morandini
Rod Beck
Nomar Garciaparra
LaTroy Hawkins
Mark Prior
Matt Clement
Sammy Sosa
Roger Clemens
Alex Gonzalez
The feline species
Any past or current employee of Hewitt, Inc.
Rondell White
Don Baylor
Jason Bere
Jeff Fassero
Kevin Tapani
Tom Gordon
Eric Young
Ricky Gutierrez
Ron Coomer
Fred McGriff

If you can detail how any of them will cause the current team's fortunes to change, or how any of the aforementioned person's previous performances or decisions will affect any of the Cubs next 101 games plus postseason games, I'd be much obliged.

Thank you.

Best,

T.J. Brown

I particularly like that he had to reach into the "some other teams star" bag multiple times because we all know it's only one player on each team.

47. Carlos Lee.

We're split with that team so far so he's obviously the only factor in games with them.  I'd be a little more worried about Berkman the way he's hitting the ball.

48. Jason Bay

We'll never beat the Pirates.

49. Chase Utley.

Already played our road series against the Phillies, only 3 games left against them at home where the Cubs just play awful, we're sunk.

50-51. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan.

A drunk and the guy running a pitching staff with 10 guys from the 40 man roster on the DL?

52. Chipper Jones.

You mean the one bright spot on a sub .500 team?  I thought the fact that we played mostly .500 teams is the only reason the Cubs are even doing well?  Make up yer mind buddy.

94. Albert Pujols.

The guy who's leg just fell off?  The same guy who's arm is going to fall off shortly after coming back from the DL?

95. Greg Maddux -- pitching for Milwaukee by mid-July.

If they got Maddux they'd have to give up something big and one starting pitcher does not a season make.

I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

My goodness, people Commish Gordo are is a fucking morons.

My favorite is Jason Bay, who (barring a trade) the Cubs see a whopping 3 more times this year.

And, Lord knows, Bay and the rest of the Pirates have given the Cubs fits this year.

I wonder if Miles and Seabiscuit's Jockey haze Gordo a little.

Quote21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

My brain hurts. And I don't even know who he's talking about on #23.

Quote from: ChuckDickens on June 11, 2008, 01:14:09 PM

Quote21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

My brain hurts. And I don't even know who he's talking about on #23.

Gordo's third best leadoff hitter=Vag Face

Why didn't he just say,  "Because they are the Cubs?" and go back to lurking at Deadspin where he got his 101 reasons?  The article was a revelation.  The Cubs have problems.  What team doesn't?

Quote from: cubbiebluestew on June 11, 2008, 01:18:53 PM
Why didn't he just say,  "Because they are the Cubs?" and go back to lurking at Deadspin where he got his 101 reasons?  The article was a revelation.  The Cubs have problems.  What team doesn't?

Most teams in the NL wish they had the Cubs' problems.

What's more fun that being a Cubs fan?  Getting to read about how crappy the Cubs really are every season.  The only thing that will ever stop these articles are winning a world series and/or the entire team dropping their pants and crapping out a golden egg before every game.

Quote5. Not enough left-handed pitching (the Will Ohman Curse).

Ohman is currently cursing the Braves' ailing bullpen, thank you very much.

Quote7. Rich Hill might not be in the rotation the rest of the year.

8. Jason Marquis might.

I'll grant you this.

Quote21. The best leadoff man bats fifth.

22. The second-best leadoff man bats second.

23. The third-best leadoff man spends more than half the time on the bench as part of a platoon.

Sorry, Gordo, but these three only count for one. (Translation: "Why is Soriano batting leadoff?!?!?!?" Once more, with feeling, I guess.)

More specifically... #21: Yeah, Fukudome at leadoff could work. #22 & #23: Bullshit.

Quote26. Soriano: not enough.

I think the word you're looking for is "awful." As in: "awful, awful."

Quote28. The Cubs have a rookie behind the plate.

29. They don't have an every-day center fielder.

30. The shortstop hasn't been a big-league starter for a full season and struggled last year in September.

I think what you're trying to say is, "Has any team won with question marks up the middle?"

Quote31. Is converted closer Ryan Dempster a legitimate No. 2 starter who can hold up at this level all season and through October?

32. If he's not, the Cubs don't have a front-line No. 2 playoff starter.

This, too, only counts as one.

Quote34. Can Geovany Soto keep it up all year?

35. Can Jim Edmonds get it up all year?

Sorry... Repeats of #28 and #29.

Quote46. Depth.

Not sure what you mean here.

Quote47. Carlos Lee.

48. Jason Bay.

49. Chase Utley.

...

52. Chipper Jones.

Yes. There are some great players in the league who aren't on the Cubs. Sometimes I bleed Cubbie blue so hard I forget this.

Quote50-51. Tony La Russa and Dave Duncan.

Oh, so you're just jerking our chain now, huh?

Quote53. Through Wednesday, the Cubs had played almost two-thirds of their schedule against teams with losing records, going 26-11.

54. That leaves 12-11 against the good teams, with lots of those games left.

Repeat.

I guess we can't really judge the Cubs' chances until they've played the Marlins and the Giants, who boast Pythagorean win-loss records of 32-32 and 29-36, respectively.

Quote66. One of the best four starting pitchers is a rookie.

The rookie's not the worst pitcher in the rotation = DOOM?

And isn't this covered under #8 above?

Quote69. Black cats and Johan Santana.

The Cubs no longer share a division with the Mets. Ya heard?

Quote84. '84.

You really are Chuck, aren't you?

Quote86. They have a losing record against Washington.

In three games.

Quote92. Mathematically, they're in the biggest division in the majors...

93. ...and the larger league.

Repeat.

Quote94. Albert Pujols.

Dead.

Quote96. Pursuit of naming-rights deal for rings could delay title plans by a year.

Hilarious?

Quote100. The 2007 Mets and Tom ''Crushed'' Glavine.

How'd that work out last night?

Quote from: TJ on June 11, 2008, 12:57:28 PM
Not my best offering, but here goes anyway:

QuoteFrom: T.J. Brown
Sent: Wednesday, June 11, 2008 12:54 PM
To: 'gwittenmyer@suntimes.com'
Subject: Confused with your column

Dear Gordon,

I was just curious what role the following people will play in the next 101 games.  Since you believe these people are reasons the Cubs will not go to the World Series next year, I'm anxiously waiting for your reply, so I can do other things this summer and not worry about baseball.

Still, I don't see how the following players will be able to affect any Cubs games:

Bucky Dent
Gene Mauch
Members of the 1964 St. Louis Cardinals (baseball)
The St. Louis Post-Dispatch's copy desk staff circa April 2007
Herman Franks
Mike Krukow
Bruce Sutter
Dave Kingman
Bill Buckner
Barry Foote
Sports Illustrated and Time Warner
Gary Matthews
Bobby Dernier
Keith Moreland
Leon Durham
Jim Frey
Rick Sutcliffe
Ron Cey
Scott Sanderson
Sad Sam Jones
Rafael Palmeiro
Vance Law
Andre Dawson
Shawon Dunston
Whitey Herzog
Sammy Sosa
Frank Chance
Joe Tinker
Orval Overall
Fred Mitchell (the ex-Cubs manager, not the Trib writer or the Eagles WR)
Hippo Vaughn
Hack Wilson
Kiki Cuyler
Joe McCarthy
Rogers Hornsby
Mark Koenig
Charlie Root
Charlie Grimm
Andy Pafko
Gabby Hartnett
Dizzy Dean
Billy Herman
Billy Jurges
Peanuts Lowery
Philip K. Wrigley
Ray Fontenot
Steve Engel
Johnny Abrego
Reggie Patterson
Derek Botelho
Lary Sorenson
George Frazier
Don Zimmer
Mike Harkey
Shaun Boskie
Lance Dickson
Gary Gaetti
Rick Aguilera
Jim Riggleman
Henry Rodriguez
Mickey Morandini
Rod Beck
Nomar Garciaparra
LaTroy Hawkins
Mark Prior
Matt Clement
Sammy Sosa
Roger Clemens
Alex Gonzalez
The feline species
Any past or current employee of Hewitt, Inc.
Rondell White
Don Baylor
Jason Bere
Jeff Fassero
Kevin Tapani
Tom Gordon
Eric Young
Ricky Gutierrez
Ron Coomer
Fred McGriff

If you can detail how any of them will cause the current team's fortunes to change, or how any of the aforementioned person's previous performances or decisions will affect any of the Cubs next 101 games plus postseason games, I'd be much obliged.

Thank you.

Best,

T.J. Brown

Well Durham is the hitting coach for the Toledo Mudhens. It's possible that the Tigers win the Al Central and then win the pennant, but due to injuries have to win the pennant after calling up Mike Hessman, the Mudhens all time home run leader and carer minor leaguer. And maybe Hessman kills the Cubs in the World Series, using advice he got from his triple-A hitting coach, Leon Durham.

The rest of the list is a mystery to me.

I'm just happy to read a column that meets Telandar's high expectations.

The Cubs beat writers in Chicago really are self-loathing zeroes, aren't they? Someone pull Royko from the grave so he can kick the shit out of these morans.

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:23:31 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

That's all I needed to hear.

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:23:31 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

Quote from: *In a Nutsack on June 11, 2008, 02:37:14 PM

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:23:31 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

1.  Put it on the front porch of the FEMA trailer next door to you.
2.  Ring the doorbell.
3.  Run.
4.  ???
5.  Profit.

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:43:30 PM

Quote from: *In a Nutsack on June 11, 2008, 02:37:14 PM

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:23:31 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

1.  Put it on the front porch of the FEMA trailer next door to you.
2.  Ring the doorbell.
3.  Run.
4.  ???
5.  Profit.

Genius!

This piece is so Mike Downey.  I mean Downey probably would've stopped at like #12...but still. 

Quote from: *In a Nutsack on June 11, 2008, 02:37:14 PM

Quote from: Kerm on June 11, 2008, 02:23:31 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 12:28:30 PM
http://www.suntimes.com/sports/baseball/cubs/991022,CST-SPT-gordo06.article

I'm assuming someone else has seen this today? What. Thee. Fuck.

If you were thinking of buying me a Christmas present this year, please don't.

What am I going to do with this flaming bag of poop?

It would probably look nice splattered across someone's chest.  Or back.  Or whatever.  Two chicks, one desipio'd style. 

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

After that, Gordo will only be recognizable through dental records.

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

Whenever you get to it, three Dolan doses in as many days is truly a sight to behold.

Quote from: Thrillho on June 11, 2008, 09:45:23 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

Whenever you get to it, three Dolan doses in as many days is truly a sight to behold.

It's almost as if they are daily doses.

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

I chose now. Or I guess I should say I chose now a few minutes ago. It was a good choice. Probably the funniest thing I've read since coming round these here Desipio parts (right up there with Apex's description of his buddy's deuce).

Quote from: Thrillho on June 11, 2008, 09:45:23 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

Whenever you get to it, three Dolan doses in as many days is truly a sight to behold.

I'm excited humiliated.

Quote from: RV on June 11, 2008, 10:00:16 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

I chose now. Or I guess I should say I chose now a few minutes ago. It was a good choice. Probably the funniest thing I've read since coming round these here Desipio parts (right up there with Apex's description of his buddy's deuce).

I asked a friend to print it out and bring it to the ballgame. I read it between innings.  I'm glad I never had to explain my LOL'd...LOLing to the family sitting behind us.

Quote from: Oleg on June 12, 2008, 12:09:39 AM

Quote from: RV on June 11, 2008, 10:00:16 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

I chose now. Or I guess I should say I chose now a few minutes ago. It was a good choice. Probably the funniest thing I've read since coming round these here Desipio parts (right up there with Apex's description of his buddy's deuce).

I asked a friend to print it out and bring it to the ballgame. I read it between innings.  I'm glad I never had to explain my LOL'd...LOLing to the family sitting behind us.

Just to bring closure to Oleg's anectdote...

I, too, had the chance to read the printed-out version of the Dose, between innings at the game.   To do it between innings means that each of us required about 3 innings to get through the whole damn thing.  It was like Dolan was backed up or something and took a Kurt Evans-laced Ex-Lax.  So that was my first reading of it--old-school, at the park--and it was epic.

Anyway, upon concluding my reading of it, I had the idea that maybe Gordon would want to have a gander; spot some constructive ideas, help him along.  So after the 7th inning, we began the long trek to the upper deck, so that we could ensure that this piece found Gordon.

I had, prior to this, written on the outside of the stapled, 35-page tome, which was folded in half the following:

To:  Gordon Wittenmeyer
From:  E. Hartig

And we were on our way.  After listening to my story about my "crazy Uncle Ed, who lives in Skokie and reads everything about the Cubs" the elderly security guard  (is there really any other kind there?) at the press box referred me to "Keith" who was the desired go-between between the yokels and the Lords of the Media.  I repeated my hackneyed story about "Uncle Ed in Skokie" and Keith looked me in the eye, took the Dose (only seeing that it was addressed to GW and from "E. Hartig") and said, "I'll make sure Gordon gets this."

Of course Gordo probably threw it in the can after seeing the picture and reading two paragraphs, but you know; I was only trying to be helpful.

Quote from: Mike D on June 12, 2008, 08:55:12 AM

Quote from: Oleg on June 12, 2008, 12:09:39 AM

Quote from: RV on June 11, 2008, 10:00:16 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 06:46:42 PM

Quote from: Andy on June 11, 2008, 05:43:46 PM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 11, 2008, 01:08:19 PM
I'd really love to see a Dose on this. I never get tired of reading Gordo bashing.

http://www.desipio.com/?p=1470

Do I save this for work, do I read it now...damn it. This is tough.

I chose now. Or I guess I should say I chose now a few minutes ago. It was a good choice. Probably the funniest thing I've read since coming round these here Desipio parts (right up there with Apex's description of his buddy's deuce).

I asked a friend to print it out and bring it to the ballgame. I read it between innings.  I'm glad I never had to explain my LOL'd...LOLing to the family sitting behind us.

Just to bring closure to Oleg's anectdote...

I, too, had the chance to read the printed-out version of the Dose, between innings at the game.   To do it between innings means that each of us required about 3 innings to get through the whole damn thing.  It was like Dolan was backed up or something and took a Kurt Evans-laced Ex-Lax.  So that was my first reading of it--old-school, at the park--and it was epic.

Anyway, upon concluding my reading of it, I had the idea that maybe Gordon would want to have a gander; spot some constructive ideas, help him along.  So after the 7th inning, we began the long trek to the upper deck, so that we could ensure that this piece found Gordon.

I had, prior to this, written on the outside of the stapled, 35-page tome, which was folded in half the following:

To:  Gordon Wittenmeyer
From:  E. Hartig

And we were on our way.  After listening to my story about my "crazy Uncle Ed, who lives in Skokie and reads everything about the Cubs" the elderly security guard  (is there really any other kind there?) at the press box referred me to "Keith" who was the desired go-between between the yokels and the Lords of the Media.  I repeated my hackneyed story about "Uncle Ed in Skokie" and Keith looked me in the eye, took the Dose (only seeing that it was addressed to GW and from "E. Hartig") and said, "I'll make sure Gordon gets this."

Of course Gordo probably threw it in the can after seeing the picture and reading two paragraphs, but you know; I was only trying to be helpful.

Oh. Hell. Yes.

I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

Quote from: Al Czervik on June 12, 2008, 10:43:12 AM
I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

And look at this, 4 Doses in a row! We are spoiled these days.

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 12, 2008, 10:59:38 AM

Quote from: Al Czervik on June 12, 2008, 10:43:12 AM
I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

And look at this, 4 Doses in a row! We are spoiled these days.

Sure, Andy will write doses for now, but then at some point, it'll stop and Viva El Birdos will become the Only Website We'll Ever Need.

I've seen it too many times.

Quote from: PTanner on June 12, 2008, 11:04:59 AM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 12, 2008, 10:59:38 AM

Quote from: Al Czervik on June 12, 2008, 10:43:12 AM
I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

And look at this, 4 Doses in a row! We are spoiled these days.

Sure, Andy will write doses for now, but then at some point, it'll stop and Viva El Birdos will become the Only Website We'll Ever Need.

I've seen it too many times.

How is he supposed to keep writing Doses with Soriano on the DL?!!  DOOOOOOOM!!!

I'm sure that Gordo read the Dose, was humbled, but then gave himself a congratulatory self-high five when Alfonso ate baseball and turf last night.

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 12, 2008, 10:59:38 AM

Quote from: Al Czervik on June 12, 2008, 10:43:12 AM
I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

And look at this, 4 Doses in a row! We are spoiled these days.

What does he think this is, 2005?

Quote from: Andre Dawson's Creek on June 12, 2008, 11:22:59 AM

Quote from: Slaky+ on June 12, 2008, 10:59:38 AM

Quote from: Al Czervik on June 12, 2008, 10:43:12 AM
I agree it was an awesome dose.

How in the world did Andy turn it around so quickly after Slak's request?  It's like stream of consciousness writing, but with stats to back up the humor.

Andy is a moran savant.

Brilliant stuff.

And look at this, 4 Doses in a row! We are spoiled these days.

What does he think this is, 2005?

5 days in a row, and counting... (http://www.desipio.com/?p=1473)

Bump.

Gene counters.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=wojciechowski_gene&id=3451219&sportCat=mlb

Bump, Part II.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AuK4U4_EOs_RJIylYDyEgUk5nYcB?slug=jp-cubswhitesox062008&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

Quote from: Hawkeye's clutchness on June 20, 2008, 01:36:11 PM
Bump, Part II.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AuK4U4_EOs_RJIylYDyEgUk5nYcB?slug=jp-cubswhitesox062008&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

What a dipshit.

Quote from: 5laky on June 20, 2008, 01:46:00 PM

Quote from: Hawkeye's clutchness on June 20, 2008, 01:36:11 PM
Bump, Part II.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AuK4U4_EOs_RJIylYDyEgUk5nYcB?slug=jp-cubswhitesox062008&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

What a dipshit.

What makes you say that?

(http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/cn/headshots/jeffpassan.jpg)

For starters, the guy looks like he's 12.

Quote from: Kerm on June 20, 2008, 01:55:50 PM

Quote from: 5laky on June 20, 2008, 01:46:00 PM

Quote from: Hawkeye's clutchness on June 20, 2008, 01:36:11 PM
Bump, Part II.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news;_ylt=AuK4U4_EOs_RJIylYDyEgUk5nYcB?slug=jp-cubswhitesox062008&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

What a dipshit.

What makes you say that?

(http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/cn/headshots/jeffpassan.jpg)

Hasn't Passan been discussed on this board before?  I think we concluded that he's in the same category as Keith Law in that they both should be ignored.

Quote from: Hawkeye's clutchness on June 22, 2008, 02:53:22 PM
For starters, the guy looks like he's 12.

The main reason is that ALL of his columns are shit.

Whenever one of the big websites decides to write about what Cub fans are like I cringe. Especially because most of them are as douchey as the writers would have you believe.

(http://[img]http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/us/sp/cn/headshots/jeffpassan.jpg)[/img]

Is this your homework, Larry?

Bump. Maybe the DOOM that Gordo saw was his own? (http://mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/10/19/the-robots-are-coming-oh-theyre-here/)

QuoteImagine that you could push a button, and magically create a story about a baseball game. That's what the Stats Monkey system does. Given information commonly available online about many games — the box score and the play-by-play — the system automatically generates the text of a story about that game that captures the overall dynamic of the game and highlights the key plays and key players. The story includes an appropriate headline and a photo of the most important player in the game.

DBD. He's still a buttplug.

QuoteWells for opening day starter? Already outpitching Big Z (again) with 6-up, 6-down spring debut.

Quote from: R-V on March 04, 2010, 04:27:43 PM
DBD. He's still a buttplug.

QuoteWells for opening day starter? Already outpitching Big Z (again) with 6-up, 6-down spring debut.

Yeah but those six batters were totally dominated in a way that Big Z has never dominated any hitter. You had to be there.

Quote from: R-V on March 04, 2010, 04:27:43 PM
DBD. He's still a buttplug.

QuoteWells for opening day starter? Already outpitching Big Z (again) with 6-up, 6-down spring debut.

Double Buttplugging Douche?

Quote from: morpheus on March 05, 2010, 08:43:40 AM

Quote from: R-V on March 04, 2010, 04:27:43 PM
DBD. He's still a buttplug.

QuoteWells for opening day starter? Already outpitching Big Z (again) with 6-up, 6-down spring debut.

Double Buttplugging Douche?

Dead Buttplugging Douche.

Quote from: Fork on March 05, 2010, 08:50:23 AM

Quote from: morpheus on March 05, 2010, 08:43:40 AM

Quote from: R-V on March 04, 2010, 04:27:43 PM
DBD. He's still a buttplug.

QuoteWells for opening day starter? Already outpitching Big Z (again) with 6-up, 6-down spring debut.

Double Buttplugging Douche?

Dead Buttplugging Douche.

Double Bumping Dongleakage.

Bump.

Quote from: SKO on December 08, 2015, 08:06:27 AM
It's high time dipshit gets his own thread.

8 Hours ago: "Cubs trade Baez for Miller"

7 Hours ago: "Cubs close to deal for Baez for Miller (after talks moved on from Soler)"

6.5 Hours ago: "Second source says nothing close with Braves"

6.25 Hours Ago: "Soler still in play in Braves talks"

I'd post the direct link to the tweets on here but twitter is fun-filtered on my work computer and Gordo's blocked me anyway so someone else can do it.

Regardless, Jesus Christ, I know the Sun Times is basically printed out of a van down by the river and has no credibility left anyway but why they keep letting Gordo make them look even worse is beyond me.

Was anybody near enough to the Gordo/Dolan encounter to recall the exchange?

DadPex said he overheard Gordo telling Andy that his kid had seen the photoshop with his picture on the douche carton. To which Dolan replied, "I'm sorry that's how he had to find out."

Oh, man. We still slap our honkey-ass knees over that in the backyard sometimes.

Quote from: InternetApex on December 10, 2015, 04:26:06 PM
Was anybody near enough to the Gordo/Dolan encounter to recall the exchange?

DadPex said he overheard Gordo telling Andy that his kid had seen the photoshop with his picture on the douche carton. To which Dolan replied, "I'm sorry that's how he had to find out."

Oh, man. We still slap our honkey-ass knees over that in the backyard sometimes.

Andy recapped the whole thing here http://www.desipio.com/?p=3333

Quote from: SKO on December 10, 2015, 05:19:55 PM

Quote from: InternetApex on December 10, 2015, 04:26:06 PM
Was anybody near enough to the Gordo/Dolan encounter to recall the exchange?

DadPex said he overheard Gordo telling Andy that his kid had seen the photoshop with his picture on the douche carton. To which Dolan replied, "I'm sorry that's how he had to find out."

Oh, man. We still slap our honkey-ass knees over that in the backyard sometimes.

Andy recapped the whole thing here http://www.desipio.com/?p=3333

Someone who chooses to be a public figure should be immune from criticism.  That is what I learned in law school.

Quote from: SKO on December 10, 2015, 05:19:55 PM

Quote from: InternetApex on December 10, 2015, 04:26:06 PM
Was anybody near enough to the Gordo/Dolan encounter to recall the exchange?

DadPex said he overheard Gordo telling Andy that his kid had seen the photoshop with his picture on the douche carton. To which Dolan replied, "I'm sorry that's how he had to find out."

Oh, man. We still slap our honkey-ass knees over that in the backyard sometimes.

Andy recapped the whole thing here http://www.desipio.com/?p=3333

As did BK:
http://hirejimessian.com/2011/01/17/in-which-gordon-wittenmyer-loses-his-shit/

Quote from: PenFoe on December 11, 2015, 11:41:07 AM

Quote from: SKO on December 10, 2015, 05:19:55 PM

Quote from: InternetApex on December 10, 2015, 04:26:06 PM
Was anybody near enough to the Gordo/Dolan encounter to recall the exchange?

DadPex said he overheard Gordo telling Andy that his kid had seen the photoshop with his picture on the douche carton. To which Dolan replied, "I'm sorry that's how he had to find out."

Oh, man. We still slap our honkey-ass knees over that in the backyard sometimes.

Andy recapped the whole thing here http://www.desipio.com/?p=3333

As did BK:
http://hirejimessian.com/2011/01/17/in-which-gordon-wittenmyer-loses-his-shit/

Still as fresh as the day they were canned.

Credit where it's due. Somehow fucknuts scooped everybody.

Quote from: SKO on December 11, 2015, 12:13:35 PM
Credit where it's due. Somehow fucknuts scooped everybody.

As a fan I don't care at all about "FIRST" but I get that, professionally, it's a big deal for these guys.

Congrats to Gordo for getting credited as "Media Sources" on the ESPN scroll.

Quote from: PenFoe on December 11, 2015, 12:52:09 PM

Quote from: SKO on December 11, 2015, 12:13:35 PM
Credit where it's due. Somehow fucknuts scooped everybody.

As a fan I don't care at all about "FIRST" but I get that, professionally, it's a big deal for these guys.

Congrats to Gordo for getting credited as "Media Sources" on the ESPN scroll.

Well and he was no doubt busting his ass to be first on this one to make up for his steady stream of epic fuckups lately. Hell, he may have had his job on the line.

Quote from: SKO on December 11, 2015, 12:13:35 PM
Credit where it's due. Somehow fucknuts scooped everybody.

Something something blind squirrel broken clock something.