The Anthony Rizzo DongFest Thread

[SKO]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

That. I also think Pen's worried he'll block Baez or Gleyber or Happ or whatever but I'm pretty sure given the aforementioned reasonable contract the Cubs won't have any qualms about making him a utility player if they have a young star more deserving of that spot. They're still paying Edwin Jackson 11 million or whatever to not pitch for them, I don't know why we'd assume they won't do that with Zobrist. I deem him unhateworthy.

[Quality Start Machine]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

[Chuck to Chuck]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team.

...I miss Starlin.

There's a connection here.

[Chuck to Chuck]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

That. I also think Pen's worried he'll block Baez or Gleyber or Happ or whatever but I'm pretty sure given the aforementioned reasonable contract the Cubs won't have any qualms about making him a utility player if they have a young star more deserving of that spot. They're still paying Edwin Jackson 11 million or whatever to not pitch for them, I don't know why we'd assume they won't do that with Zobrist. I deem him unhateworthy.

He's double clutched on two double play balls already.  TWO!!!  IN TWO GAMES!!!

Hatemeter activated.

[Saul Goodman]

My favorite Cub is Mark Grace. That may be an odd choice, but I played 1B as a kid and learned a lot about hitting by watching his AB's.

My favorite current Cub is Kris Bryant, but this roster is so full of players that you just can't hate.

Rizzo is definitely the heartbeat of the clubhouse. Look back on when he first arrived. You remember him? Timid? Quiet? I think it all turned around the moment he decided he wanted to close hand fistfight Aroldis Chapman in Cincinnati. It's been a good time watching him morph into the player and teammate he is today.

I already have Bryant and Soler shirseys, I root for Bryant and Schwarber and Soler with the might and hope of a trillion suns, and just last night when Rizzo sent that dong a flying into the fake rocks in Anaheim, I looked deep inside myself and realized I've been taking Tony Ballgame for granted all this time.

Gotta get that shirsey.

ETA: I completely forgot about Kerry Wood. I'm sorry, Kerry. I'm sorry, world. (I had a Kerry Wood shirsey.)

That HR to dead center last night was the tits. Thanks, Padres!

[Yeti]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

Zobrist is a Jesus freak.

[SKO]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

[Bort]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

Zobrist is a Jesus freak.

Isn't it easier to point out ball players who AREN'T Jesus freaks?

[Slaky]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

Zobrist is a Jesus freak.

Many ballplayers are.

[Eli]

That was one of the best parts of last year: it's hard to find a player to hate on this team. I presume that Lackey will fill that role this year, and I may even come to love to despise him.

I became a Cubs fan in 1987, and it was on the back of Andre Dawson, who will always be my favourite player. There were a lot of likeable Cubs on those teams as well, and I'm always going to fondly remember Dunston, Sandberg, Grace, Maddux, Sutcliffe, and a few others. Wood was my first favourite as an adult, although I spent most of his career in anxiety about his career, which kind of kills the buzz.

Modern day, I really think Heyward is going to surge to the forefront of my favourite players. He just reminds me too much of Dawson, even though he doesn't hit as many homeruns. But it's legitimately hard to choose one guy on this team. You almost have to break it down to favourite guy in the infield (Brizzoyant), favourite guy in the outfield, and favourite pitcher (Jake).

But if I'm being honest, I miss Starlin. I hope someone can carry about with the kind of energy he had last year. I don't think it was essential, but it was special.

I mean, if we're actually gonna do this:
LaStella
Lackey
Hammel (hopefully not, but certainly has continued potential)

There are some other long-term bets (Zobrist, for sure) but the list is much smaller than in prior years.

Why Zobrist? Too old and may fail to live up to his reasonable contract? I don't find much to hate about a guy with his skill set and personality. Plus Joe knows him and likes him. What am I missing here?

Zobrist is a Jesus freak.

Isn't it easier to point out ball players who AREN'T Jesus freaks?

I also don't think that's hateable as long as they're not all Tebow-grandstanding about it.

[Quality Start Machine]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

Then you lead a sad, hollow life.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

Then you lead a sad, hollow life.

He will not disagree with you.

[SKO]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

Then you lead a sad, hollow life.

He will not disagree with you.

Did either of you realize I was responding to Apex saying having a favorite player is childish? I literally talked about my favorite Cubs players evar like, right at the start of this whole digression.

[Canadouche]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

[Powdered Toast Man]

Rizzo's dangerously close to leapfrogging Dawson as my #2 all-time. He is the fucking balls.

I feel like having FAVORITE PLAYERS at my age is extremely childish. But then LeBron's dong falls out of my mouth and I realize I'm a fucking fetus. That said, it's hard to pick a favorite on this team. Arrieta has to be it for me though. He is everything that is man.

I'm older than you and will wear #14 as long as I play ball.

I like the idea that having a favorite team of adults wearing matching pajamas who play stickball (to the point that we spend hours posting about them on the internet and invest our blood, sweat, tears, and money) is an adult thing, but picking ONE of those pajama wearing players that you like more than any of the others is childish.

I think this is possibly an example of how I aggravate those of you who care to be aggravated by me: I don't like wearing jerseys to the ballpark/Cubs events. But I wear jerseys all the time at home, especially in summer and on the weekends when I'm teaching.

I desperately want a good Rizzo jersey, but the new home uniforms are hideous. HIDEOUS, because of the stupid cool-base technology or whatever the fuck they're calling it. I don't want to spend $250 on a jersey that'll resemble having a diaper attached if I'm wearing it untucked, which I certainly will be doing.

I'm not one to judge a man for wearing a jersey. I'm not one to wear an actual jersey in the literal sense of a button up replica. But, I do have a Kris Bryant dri-fit shirsey. I have been scouring the interwebs for other Cubs available in the dri-fit shirsey market, but I have found none. I hate the 100% cotton shirseys by Majestic. They fit weird.