The Happening

[Al Yellon]

The Village always bugged me because I don't understand how they got away without paying property tax. Is that eight foot wall really going to keep the county's tax collectors from that sizable portion of their tax rolls?

[Thrillho]

The Village always bugged me because I don't understand how they got away without paying property tax. Is that eight foot wall really going to keep the county's tax collectors from that sizable portion of their tax rolls?

Let me tell you a little something about INCENTIVES...

[Gil Gunderson]

I hear one of the new X Files trailers will be played with "The Happening."

Still not enough to get me to go.

[*In a Nutsack]

This one looked promising

Uh...

"The Happening" is a terrible, terrible movie. I mean, it's bad on an epic scale. It's so bad that I can't possibly tell you how bad it is without understating the point or making it sound like I'm picking on the film. But let me stress: this is not pent-up Shyamalan aggression or a desire to see him fail. This is bad in a jaw-dropping "they can't really be serious, can they?" kind of way.

http://www.collider.com/entertainment/reviews/article.asp?aid=7903&tcid=1

Thanks RV.

If you were ever in teh shoutbox, you'd have known how terrible it was weeks ago.

Blame the Fun Police.

[PTanner]

This one looked promising

Uh...

"The Happening" is a terrible, terrible movie. I mean, it's bad on an epic scale. It's so bad that I can't possibly tell you how bad it is without understating the point or making it sound like I'm picking on the film. But let me stress: this is not pent-up Shyamalan aggression or a desire to see him fail. This is bad in a jaw-dropping "they can't really be serious, can they?" kind of way.

http://www.collider.com/entertainment/reviews/article.asp?aid=7903&tcid=1

Thanks RV.

If you were ever in teh shoutbox, you'd have known how terrible it was weeks ago.

Blame the Fun PoliceFEMA.

[Three times a JD]

Blame the Fun Police.

Hey Fun Police!  Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!  I BLAME you.  You hear me?  I.  Blame.  YOU.  Live with THAT.

[Andre Dawson's Creek]

The Village always bugged me because I don't understand how they got away without paying property tax. Is that eight foot wall really going to keep the county's tax collectors from that sizable portion of their tax rolls?

They were living on Indian land.....

[*In a Nutsack]

This one looked promising

Uh...

"The Happening" is a terrible, terrible movie. I mean, it's bad on an epic scale. It's so bad that I can't possibly tell you how bad it is without understating the point or making it sound like I'm picking on the film. But let me stress: this is not pent-up Shyamalan aggression or a desire to see him fail. This is bad in a jaw-dropping "they can't really be serious, can they?" kind of way.

http://www.collider.com/entertainment/reviews/article.asp?aid=7903&tcid=1

Thanks RV.

If you were ever in teh shoutbox, you'd have known how terrible it was weeks ago.

Blame the Fun PoliceFEMA.

Eyre has a FEMA trailer?

[Kerm]

I want your tales immortalized, Gil.  Tell us how bad this movie is.  It's so very close to being "so bad I have to see it."

[Andre Dawson's Creek]

I want your tales immortalized, Gil.  Tell us how bad this movie is.  It's so very close to being "so bad I have to see it."

Save your money.  For epic fail, The Movie Spoiler is your friend.

http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/thehappening.html

[Kerm]

I want your tales immortalized, Gil.  Tell us how bad this movie is.  It's so very close to being "so bad I have to see it."

Save your money.  For epic fail, The Movie Spoiler is your friend.

http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/thehappening.html

But I want to SEE it fail!!!

[Weebs]

I want your tales immortalized, Gil.  Tell us how bad this movie is.  It's so very close to being "so bad I have to see it."

Save your money.  For epic fail, The Movie Spoiler is your friend.

http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/thehappening.html

But I want to SEE it fail!!!

I'm very tempted to go see it.  Too bad Get Smart comes out this weekend, otherwise I definitely would have made it an Epic Fail Weekend, brought to you by M. Night Shayamalan.

[Gil Gunderson]

So my review of "The Happening," hereinafter referred to as "Shit," begins last Friday when I left work.  I returned home early to find my cousin, i.e. my current roommate because I am too cheap to rent my own place, eagerly reading an IMDB page on his laptop.  Intrigued, I pondered over his shoulder, so that I could glimpse at what had so captivated him.  It was the IMDB message board for Shit.  He was, needless to say, curious about the film.  An offer was extended in which he would pay for my ticket if I would accompany him to see Shit.  Being the X Files geek that I am, and knowing that this movie came with an X Files trailer, I accepted his offer.  Needless to say, extraordinary rendition would have been a better choice.

Why do I tell you all of this first, because I believe this story is infinitely more engaging that the plot of Shit.

The movie begins, as all movies do, with the title credits.  These, however, have clouds as the backdrop.  Not like the cloud introduction to "Back to the Future 2," but clouds like "I'm laying on my back in the middle of my backyard on a summer day, looking at the sky and watching the clouds."  Yeah, those kinds of clouds.  Ghey.

We move straight into Central Park, New York.  The screen says, "8:36 AM."  Yeah, it is absolutely mid-afternoon.  This is when M. Night lost me.  Also, we are given the first death.  Two women, clearly having just left "Sex and the City" and eager to read the novelization, are sitting on a bench.  One hears a woman scream offscreen, asks her friend if she heard that, gets no response, and then sees everyone stop.  Ok, kinda cool.  But why isn't she affected?  Hmm?  This is the beginning of several trends.  1.  Every park scene has a duo walking and talking, one of whom becomes affected, and the other one not.  Then said affected of the duo commits suicide.  2.  Every park scene has a man or woman walking a dog, the human becoming affected, the dog not so much.  Well, anyway, said unresponsive woman pulls an incredibly long hairpin, curiously sharp as well, from her hair and sticks it into her neck.  Ok, kinda cool.

Enter Marky Mark.  Teacher, wearer of J. Crew, and all-around pushover.  Spoiler alert, he'll live...sadly.  He asks his high school class: "Have you read this article in the New York Times about the bees disappearing?"  Ok, two problems.  First, NO 16 YEAR OLD READS THE NEW YORK TIMES, EVER!!!  Secondly, he reads the line in this "Hey, guys did you see this shit!" tone of voice; very scientific.  Trust me, see the movie, he'll do it about a 100 times.  Minor point, wasn't that like two years ago or something?  Whatever.

So, Marky Mark is called out of his classroom, after a delightful scene in which there is no SIGN (get it?) of actual teaching, and proceeds to head to a theater.  Enter Alan Ruck.  He got the best deal out of this movie; he only had to deliver one line and then he was gone.  Maybe he got the clue before the end of filming.  Anyway, Cameron tells the assembled mass that something has HAPPENED (get it?) in New York and that they think it is terrorists.  Go figure.  So, they cut classes for the day.  Woo hoo, wind day!

Enter John Leguizamo.  He got the second best gig out of this movie, as his contributions are noticeably brief.  Also, John needs some tooth whitening, since he might have some smudge left on them from "Spawn."  He delivers a math joke, remember because people are comforted by statistics, and then suggests that they get the heck out of dodge, or in this case Philadelphia. 

Enter Zooey Deschanel, which in French means "From the Channel," or in my interpretation from the shitter, like this movie.  In any event, she is at home, watching the news.  Seems like Marky Mark has also been playing some GTA San Andreas at home (watch for it).  But Zooey has been playing around with someone named Joey (Lawrence?).  This is an interesting subplot, because Leguizamo suggests that he saw Zooey at the wedding and she was crying, maybe because she realizes that she can't share tiramisu with random men anymore.  So, Marky Mark comes home and gets out of his J. Crew sweater vest (I know, because I own the same one) and suggests that they go to Harrisburg, PA via train, because Marky Mark evidently has ditched his Mini Cooper from "The Italian Job" and is doing the green thing by walking to work.

Part 2 next...

[Gil Gunderson]

So, our band of heroes, or in this case, Zooey, Marky Mark, John Leguizamo, and John's kid head to the train station in Philly.  John has already gotten 4 tickets, but his wife won't be with him because she had something else to do.  Like die in Princeton, NJ.  Anyway, Marky Mark and Zooey have a fight because Mark had the audacity to tell John that he had a fight with Zooey.  Zooey suggests that they sit apart on the train, mainly because she wants to talk to Joey.

The train steamrolls to Harrisburg, when someone gets the word that Philly has been hit, along with Boston.  Harrisburg has evidently been hit as well, so the train can go no further.  Marky Mark is curious and dumb, because instead of looking at the sign that says "Filbert, PA" right behind him, he asks the conductors where they are.  They say they can't get in touch with Harrisburg.  Why not, you may ask?  Because they have clearly passed it.  About 191 miles before.  What, don't believe me?  (http://maps.google.com/maps?q=Filbert%2C%20PA%20to%20Harrisburg%2C%20PA&ie=UTF-8&oe=utf-8&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&um=1&sa=N&tab=wl) 

So, the group heads to a local cafe to eat and do some other equally unimportant things.  The TeeVee says that it might not be a terrorist attack, and then, the lights go out, which causes one intrepid patron to say, "If we stay here, we might die."  Yeah, panic ensues and everyone leaves.  Leaving Marky Mark, Zooey, the girl and John Leguziamo's daughter stranded.  Alas, Marky Mark finds a couple willing to take them (somewhere) and that he has room for four.  John, however, finds another Jeep owner who is heading to Princeton, NJ.  Ok, before we go on, let's get some PA geography down.  The movie says that they are out of Harrisburg, but somewhere north.  Needless to say, you don't need to go north at all to get there, but c'est la vie (oh is that French, foreshadowing)  So, the movie says that they are somewhere near Scranton.  John wants to go to "The Village (get it?) of Princeton" to find his wife.  So he ditches the kid to go.  He ends up in Princeton seemingly ten minutes later.  Yeah, the trees got to them too.  But, John suggests that they seal everything in the car.  He does, but not before the fat woman in the back seat panics.  He suggests, and I'm not kidding, math riddles.  Seriously.  Sadly, he also notices the tiny crack in the top of the roof.  He knows he is soon to die.  We get an exterior of the car, and it stops, and then speeds up, only to hit a tree at about 40 mph, sending the fat woman and the other woman from the back out of the windshield.  Oddly, enough, these become men on the ground.  Who knew?  John exits the car unfazed, but infected with the toxin.  And, in the moment you have been waiting for, finds some broken glass to slice his wrists.  Thank God.

Marky Mark seems to have hitched a ride with the plant people, or in appropriate words, a horticulturalist.  He needs to head home to get some supplies first, like hot dogs, so he tells Mark "to look around first."  Why?  Moving along, Mark and the gang enter a greenhouse (effect people!) and see tons of plants.  The plants are listening to Mozart, nice touch, and get some loving from the horticulturalist before he leaves (get it?).  So, as they drive on a lonely road, as many are in Pennsylvania, they see some animals in the road.  Upon closer inspection, they are really dead people.  So, that road is sealed off.  Then Gomer Pyle from the local Army base comes along and says that the base is affected too.  So, road two is cut off.  Then, from the other two roads come people who say they can't go down those roads either.  So, it's time to get a map...

and move on to part 3.

[Gil Gunderson]

So, now the group has become much larger.  Gomer Pyle finds a man who knows the area really well, a local real estate agent!  Huzzah!  The Asian agent, not kidding, suggests that they had to some remote county, because no one lives there.  Great idea.  So, they have to hike.  But, not before the plant people tell Marky Mark that plants can talk to each other and that some plants respond to certain types of dangers.  Please, don't beat me over the head M. Night. 

So, the large group starts walking and the wind kicks up, causing Mark to suggest that they split into smaller groups.  Ok, good idea.  But pan over to the second group, one man is fighting with another man (foreshadowing) and the wind kicks up, and the people use Gomer's gun to kill themselves.  Great.

Now Mark's group finds a house on the horizon, a modern house in an exurban development (We're through the looking glass, people!) in which everything inside is fake.  After some terrible jokes using this premise, the group, now having added two random fat kids, moves along.  But, they are hungry and gassy, and so they need a place to rest.  They find an older house, boarded up, along the road.  Zooey lets the kid use the swing on the tree (bad move) and the people in the house won't let them come in, because they'll bring the virus.  Sensible.  But, one of the fat kids thinks this rejection is a bridge too far, and kicks his foot against the door in righteous indignation.  Well, the owner opens the door and blasts the kid with a shotgun in the chest.  Another shotgun comes out of the window and blows the other fat kid away.  Mark goes to the second fat kid, whose head is clearly blown open (which you can see) and says, I kid you not, "You're gonna make it."  Merely a flesh wound.

So, they move along, and find another abandoned house.  Zooey keenly observes that it has "no power lines."  Mark walks on the front porch.  We can see some fresh linens on the clothesline behind him, but he still thinks no one is there.  He finds a woman who the audience is supposed to think is odd.  Obviously, they should spent more time in Pennsylvania.  She says Mark is eyeing her lemon drink, and decides to invite them in for dinner and to rest.

At dinner, the kid tries to take a cookie from the table, but the woman hits her on the hand really hard.  She then extends an offer to spend the night.  In the bedroom, Zooey and Mark have a moment, and Mark decides to walk out into the hallway.  He sees the woman in a sexy night gown who warns him not to "murder her in her sleep."  Yeah, they'll leave a light on for you in this place.

Morning, Mark wakes up and hears some laughter in the background and walks downstairs.  He doesn't find anyone, so he walks into the crazy woman's bedroom, which has alot of Jesus-y things in it, along with a meticulously crafted doll, dressed to look exactly like her.  She catches him in the room, and accuses him of stealing.  She's being mean.  She orders them to leave.  She walks outside, into the plants, the wind kicks up, and she decides to off herself by banging her head against the wall and windows. 

So, now Mark and Zooey and the kid think they are going to die.  But, one is in the house, and Zooey and the kid are in some old slave hut, connected with a speaking tube.  Mark doesn't want to die like that, so he walks out to meet Zooey, and they meet in the middle.  Nothing happens.  They walk back into the house, the screen says 9:36 am, because at some other point it was suggested that this thing will naturally end at like 9 in the morning (why?) and everything is nice.  Ok, another problem.  IT ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO 9 AM!!!  It is clearly the afternoon, again.

Whatever, Mark and Zooey and the kid move back to the now friendlier and brotherly-lovelier town of Philadelphia, population 14.  The kid shows no remorse at just having lost her parents, but whatever.  Zooey takes a pregnancy test and finds out that she is pregnant (with Joey's kid) and the movie ends. 

AHHHH HAHAHA!  Not before the Tee Vee says that this was just a warning from the plants.  And that more might happen.  But, the tee vee says skeptics (damn assholes) claim that if it was just a warning, why only hit the NE US? 

Flash forward to Versailles, where two clearly gay Frenchmen (are they any other kinds?) are then infected in the same manner as the beginning.  I think they were talking about Sex and the City, as well.

So, there it is, my review of Shit.

PS - Some people die in some cool ways, so that is interesting.

PPS - The new X Files movie is going to rock, so there's that too.