Frank Thomas Steve says: Indians
We say: White Sox
The Sox gave him his buyout, but chances are they’ll bring back their best hitter since..well, ever.
Jock Jones Steve says: Detroit
We say: Cubs
Just because it’s the wrong thing to do. Jock is a left fielder not a right fielder, he swings from the ass and doesn’t have the power to get away with it, and for whatever reason, Hendry’s been sniffing around him for years. Yay?
Reggie Sanders Steve says: St. Louis
We say: San Francisco
Why? Because then Felipe Alou can play an outfield with Barry Bonds, Sanders and Moises Alou and every flyball can drop in for a double.
Kenny Rogers Steve says: Dodgers
We say: Indians
Really, I have no idea why. They’ll let Scott Elarton go, and Rogers is a pretty good bet on a one year deal. Just keep him away from the Fox Sports Ohio camera guys.
Jeromy Burnitz Steve says: Padres
We say: Nobody
Unless the Cubs talk him out of retirement (and they won’t try to) chances are, he’ll just fade away. Too bad, because he plays an excellent right field.
Ricardo Rincon Steve says: Yankees
We say: Cubs
Hendry’s tried to trade for him twice. This time he just has to write a check. Likely a check that’s too big and pays out over too many years.
Julian Tavarez Steve says: Mets
We say: White Sox
Just because he’s irritating and we know how Kenny Williams can’t get enough of those guys.
Bob Howry Steve says: Yankees
We say: Yankees
Because Howry’s too dumb to know when he’s got a good thing in Cleveland, so he’s asked for huge money and the only teams willing to pay that are Boston and the Yankees.
Jurassic Carl Everett Steve says: Nationals
We say: Detroit
The Nats? You want Jose Guillen and Crazy Carl in the same outfield? He’ll go where everybody goes when they have nowhere else to turn. Detroit.
Bill Mueller Steve says: Dodgers
We say: Cardinals
They should sign him instead of Grud, but they’ll sign both, and probably end up needing both because Scott Rolen’s shoulder’s never getting back to 100 percent. Ever.
Kenny Lofton Steve says: Padres
We say: Cubs
If the Cubs can’t get Juan Pierre traded for, this is plan b. An older, more inferior plan b. I had written down “Kenny L” and it took me a minute to remember what that meant. I thought maybe the Cubs were going to sign Kenny Loggins. Why not? He and Bob Novoa could turn the left field well into “Pooh Corner.”
Brad Ausmus Steve says: Astros
We say: Astros
There’s a chance he’ll go back to the Padres, but he’s smart enough to know he’s got the Astros fooled into thinking he’s still a first string catcher.
John Olerud Steve says: Mets
We say: Yankees
The Yankees will bring him back (mainly because he was a Red Sock last year) to caddy for Jason Giambi. They’ve shown Tino the door.
Ray Durham Steve says: Seattle
We say: St. Louis
I just have a hunch that Tony LaRussa sees Durham at this stage as a Shawon Dunston type infield/outfield sub. Oh, he’ll play outfield like Shawon all right. Badly.
Joe Randa Steve says: Dodgers
We say: Angels
Is it me, or does Steve have every infielder signing with the Dodgers? Are they going to play six of them? I guess if you have Jeff Kent, Bill Mueller, Joe Randa, Nomar, Jose Valentin and Hee Seop Choi you need six guys to cover the ground. The Angels could use him at third when Dallas McPherson is hurt (which is often) and first to spell Darin Erstad, and let Chone Figgins play a different spot every day.
Scott Elarton Steve says: Nationals
We say: Birmingham Barons
Does anybody think he’s going to be useful again?
Steve Loiaza Steve says: Nationals
We say: Nationals
He found a park he can give up 390 foot outs in. Why leave?
Jamie Moyer Steve says: Seattle
We say: Seattle
Hey, if he wouldn’t leave to be in a pennant race last year, why leave now?
Octavio Dotel Steve says: Mets
We say: Red Sox
The Cubs should get in on this, but they’re probably tired of tying up their 40-man roster with Tommy John Disease survivors. It worked with Dempster and might work with Scott Williamson but eventually you can’t sign them all.
Juan Encarnacion Steve says: Nationals
We say: Orioles
Can he fill Sammy’s shoes? Yeah, like duplicating his pathetic 2005 season is so tough.
Bernie Williams Steve says: Orioles
We say: Marlins
Only because Joe Girardi won’t want to see Bernie unemployed, and because Bernie will be cheap and the Marlins will have traded half their roster.
Sammy Sosa Steve says: Tampa Bay
We say: Nobody
He’s only going to get minor league contract offers and chances are he’s going to hold out, in vain, for something big.
Kevin Millar Steve says: Twins
We say: Dodgers
Hey, another infielder! Chances are that unless it’s Kim Ng, the new GM isn’t going to have the Hee Seop love going.
Paul Byrd Steve says: Reds
We say: Detroit
He’d be perfect in Washington, actually, but Detroit’s big enough for his moon shots to land in gloves instead of in seats.
Scott Eyre Steve says: Boston
We say: Scott Eyre is one of the 50 top free agents? Yikes.
Does it include a Urinal Cake?
Wow, still going with the White Sox attendance joke. Fressssh!
Kaseberg,
He could just take every player and try two or three lame jokes on each guy. Oh, wait, that’s your style.
Hey man, how can I not be on your list of top 50 free agents? The ladies love me!
That’s because we don’t know any better. Besides, we’re the only ones who love you.
For Kyle Farnsworth, that should be “babys’ mommas”
I’d at least give myself a D+ for my defensive accumen at the third baseman position.
Actually, the Angels gave Big Mo that contract. Philips is the genius who took it off their hands right after it became clear to Anaheim what a terrible mistake they made.
got salad?
I see your wacist comment. We don’t need no Kevin Miwwar! Hee Seop should finawy put together a consistent season. Also, I’m a horrible driver. (cause I’m a woman, not cause I’m oriental, you jerk)
Didn’t I also give Roger Cedeno $40 million guaranteed? At least it was only for like four years. How do I have any credibility whatsoever? On an aside, I did not have sex with a Columbian cleaning lady, but I did drag the 1969 Mets World Series trophy around the Shea Stadium parking lot.
That’s true. She wasn’t Colombian, she was Panamanian.
Yeah we’re runnin’ a little bit hot tonight.
I stand corrected, she was from Panama. Last time I ask Kyle Orton anything. I can’t spell “Colombian” because I’m, well, Steve Phillips. Costanza probably did have sex with a Colombian too. For a short, stocky, slow-witted bald man, with no confidence and no prospects, he sure did get a lot of poon.
Does anyone have Sammy playing for me next year on their radar?
That sideshow, circus pony freak and Pacific Rim Baseball are just MADE for each other!
Does anyone have me smashing Fred Miller’s jaw on their radar?