The NFL season starts tonight, four days too early and preceded by a concert that nobody wants to watch, but it’s football and it counts, so we’ll all be watching.

Has there ever been a season that starts more wide open than this one? Has there ever been a year when so many teams can honestly say they have a shot at going to the Super Bowl? Have there ever been more great young players in the game at one time? Can I stop writing in all questions?

As in years past we brought together a group of scouts–men who know football inside and out–and they made observations on all 32 teams. You won’t find a more in-depth football preview anywhere. Unless you actually look for one.

Today we’ll start with the NFC, and yes, I know it would make more sense to start with the AFC since both teams who are playing tonight are in that conference, but really, when has any of this made sense?

National Football Conference

East

New York Giants
Our scouts say: A lot of people think the Giants can make the playoffs this year. Then again, a lot of people watch The Ellen Degeneres Show, it doesn’t make them right…They have had to simplify their offense for Eli Manning, which is surprising because you’d think if there was one thing that inbred cracker could read it would be a playbook…I kind of look at Tiki Barber and his brother (Tampa Bay defensive back Ronde) as the Olsen Twins of the NFL, only bigger, darker and more attractive…A lot of people ask me if their coach, Tom Coughlin has always been an asshole and I’m not afraid to tell them that he hasn’t. For a while he was just a prick, then he worked his way up to asshole…They didn’t cut their backup placekicker after training camp, their backup quarterback (Jared Lorenzen) ate him.

Dallas Cowboys
Our scouts say:Honestly, is there anything sexier than Bill Parcells in a pair of lycra coaches’ shorts?…Jerry Jones is one more facelift away from having to scratch his chin by reaching above his eyebrows…They really think they can set the NFL record for sacks in a season, and with Drew Bledsoe playing quarterback, I give them a fighting chance…They’d better hope Bledsoe doesn’t get hurt, because when (I mean if, of course) he does they’re going to go to Tony Romo and not Drew Henson and Jones’ head is going to explode. He paid big money for Henson, but Drew is proving to be nothing more than Chad Hutchinson 2.0…They signed Peerless Price and I don’t think Bill Parcells is going to like him unless Peerless can pay Keyshawn Johnson to handle both of their blocking assignments on every run play…Peter King picked Julius Jones to be the fantasy breakout player of the year, which means the only thing left to ponder is what Jones’ week two season ending injury will be…They were old last year and an example of that is I went grocery shopping in Irving, Texas last November and Vinny Testaverde and Richie Anderson were riding around in a Rascal built for two.

Philadelphia Eagles
Our scouts say: I wish you could get odds on which game Donovan McNabb will call a timeout just so he can punch Terrell Owens out in the huddle. It’s going to happen before October’s over…A lot of people are on Donovan for throwing up on the field during the final drive in the Super Bowl–but was it any worse than when Tony Eason crapped his pants during Super Bowl XX?…They made a nice signing when they picked Lamar Gordon off of waivers, he looked good in training camp for the Dolphins and he averaged 1.8 yards per carry last year, before tearing up his knee–OK, maybe that wasn’t such a nice signing…David Akers never looks more like an elf than when he grows that tough December kicker’s beard of his…I’m pretty sure they cut Hugh Douglas (again) just to shut him up…As flawed as they are this year, the NFC pretty much sucks so I can’t imagine them not going to the Super Bowl again.

Washington Redskins
Our scouts say: I wasn’t surprised that Joe Gibbs struggled getting back into the swing of things last year. Steve Spurrier screwed up the team pretty bad and Joe had a hard time getting out of his NASCAR mode. Remember the halftime interview with Bonnie Bernstein when he said, “The Fed Ex, Dunkin Donuts, O’Reilly Auto Parts Redskins have had a pretty good run so far. We’re gonna take this chance to put a little wedge in it because the special teams and the pass protection were a little loose, but we’ll give her a quick splash and go here and see if we can’t make up some ground on the restart.” Always a bad sign…It didn’t make any sense to me that Gibbs would take a speedy running back like Clinton Portis and try to make a John Riggins power fullback out of him. I expected Portis to show up for a mid-season game with a mohawk and start talking trash with the Supreme Court Justices…I like Fred Smoot. Actually I just like saying “Fred Smoot”, I’m saying it right now…Sean Taylor could be really good for them this year unless he has to cut the season short to go to a maximum security prison, or something…You have to hand it to Daniel Snyder, he gets a lot of crap for being young and rich and meddling with the team, but when the hurricane hit New Orleans he sent his private plane down there to see if the ‘Skins couldn’t loot a defensive end or two from the Saints.

North

Chicago Bears
Our scouts say: I was impressed that Lovie Smith had the balls to launch Chad Hutchinson and start a rookie quarterback. The only thing that worries me is that not only do they have Kurt Kittner listed on the QB depth chart, but he’s behind Sid Luckman, and Luckman’s been dead for a decade…Cedric Benson won’t start week one and some guys are worried that missing almost all of training camp will hurt him, just like it did these guys in their rookie seasons: Emmitt Smith, Barry Sanders, Edgerrin James and LaDanian Tomlinson. Yeah, that’d be just awful…The defensive front seven might be the best in the league, even with Hunter Hillenmeyer starting, just imagine how good they’d be with anybody else there…Did you know that Brad Maynard and Pat Summerall share a chiropractor? Yeah, I guess you did…The Bears are kind of stuck in that limbo between being a playoff contender and being an injury or two away from another top ten draft pick. You know you’re in that limbo when Bill Maas and Sam Rosen keep showing up to do your games. It’s more like full on Hell for the fans, than limbo…I give them credit for being the first team to let a woman do their radio play-by-play, and really, it’s a good thing because that Jeff Joniak lady isn’t half bad…Can you imagine how good the Bears could be in say, 2025 if the NFL would bring back the territorial draft? Half the defense would be made up of illegitimate Urlachers.

Detroit Lions
Our scouts say: They have drafted a wide receiver in the first round each of the last three years, why won’t they draft a quarterback who can actually throw it to them?…Nothing says the start of the new season quite like the crackle of Charles Rogers’ collarbone…I’m convinced they keep Cory Schlesinger on the team just to block Brian Urlacher…They added black to the uniform to try and make themselves look tougher, but as long as “Honolulu Blue” is one of the team’s official colors, it’s a lost cause…Harrington has grown a beard to make himself look tougher. Because it worked so well for Christopher Lowell…The Ford Motor Company had to recall thousands of trucks because the cruise control switch overheats and the truck catches fire. Maybe they should recall the domed stadium the Lions play in because the team never seems to catch fire…Something tells me that even though defensive coordinator Dick Jauron gave RW McQuarters a job, that he won’t be renting a room to R-Dub.

Green Bay Packers
Our scouts say: Nothing says “I’m a fan” like wearing a styrofoam cheese wedge on your head and spending eight month’s pay on season tickets…The difference between Mike Sherman and Lovie Smith is that the NFL has to make Lovie wear the officially licensed “bowling shirt” on the sidelines and that Lovie tucks his in…Brett Favre is 35 and he looks like he’s 50, what the hell happened to him? OK, his dad died, his brother in law fell off an SUV and died, his sister gets a DUI every six weeks, his wife has cancer and his mom’s house blew away in a hurricane and he’s addicted to pain pills. Oh, I guess that’s what happened to him…Looks like the Packers coaches saw firsthand why 23 NFL teams didn’t want Aaron Rodgers. The reality is that the other eight didn’t want him either…Defensively they don’t have a chance to be bad, because they’re awful…I really enjoyed Javon’s holdout, it went something like this. “I want more money.” “You can’t have any more.” “OK.”

Minnesota Vikings
Our scouts say: I know a lot of people call Mike Tice “Coach Meathead” but I’m not one for slandering Rob Reiner like that…I know at least one Bears’ fan who gets the urge, every time he sees Daunte Culpepper, to dig up Mark Hatley and set his corpse on fire. OK, it’s just one guy, but still…I’m a little confused here. They traded Randy Moss because they were tired of his act, then they signed Koren Robinson who’s never been as good, has been in a lot more trouble and drops every other pass. So this is progress, how?…Brad Johnson is back as the backup quarterback. The Bears tried to sign him, but he was afraid he’d actually have to play if he went to Chicago. He was right…They have four guys named Williams, one guy named Williamson and a Wilson, there is no chance in hell that Tice knows which one is which, and don’t even get me started on the three Johnsons, a Johnstone and two Joneses…They have a rookie punter and he went to UCLA so he’s probably still tired from last year.

South

Atlanta Falcons
Our scouts say: Atlanta’s only a real running back and a couple of wide receivers away from being really good…I hear there’s a guy out there who plays just like Michael Vick named Ron Mexico. The Falcons ought to give him a call. And get him some Valtrex…I don’t understand why everybody wants Vick to stay in the pocket and pass, isn’t he like really good just running around on his own? This is like convincing Billy Joel to start writing orchestra music, get fat and drive his cars into trees—oh, wait…If you ever need a guy to throw six interceptions for you in one game, Ty Detmer is your man. Why is he even in the league, still?…They cut Peerless Price and kept Dez White? Is the object of the game to get open and swat passes away from yourself?…Nobody messes with second year defensive lineman Junior Glymph.

Carolina Panthers
Our scouts say: No matter how slowly he talks, I can never understand a damn thing Jake Delhomme says…John Fox always seems happy. I wonder if he’s over medicating?…Ever notice how teams in the Carolinas identify themselves as Carolina? The Panthers are just the Carolina Panthers even though they play in North Carolina. If you go watch a game at the University of South Carolina the end zones say “Carolina” same at the University of North Carolina. Don’t even get me started on East Carolina…They might have been the best team in the NFC the last six weeks of the season last year–OK, second best, but what happened at the start of the season? They couldn’t make an extra point against Tampa Bay…I keep waiting for Rod Gardner to be good. I might be waiting a long time…After four years of being voted “Teammate We’d Most Like to Kick in the Teeth” Todd Sauerbrun is gone and off to Denver…For a tough guy, Dan Morgan sure is hurt a lot.

New Orleans Saints
Our scouts say: I’ve never seen the NFL screw over any team as badly as they are the Saints. It’s not enough that the players all lost their homes and all their belongings, but the NFL is making them play their home opener at the Meadowlands against the Giants? How is that fair to the Saints or anybody in the Giants’ division? They couldn’t play it anywhere else? Apparently they claim the Alamodome in San Antonio isn’t up to NFL code and needs new communications equipment and more medical facilities. Here’s the ridiculous part, the “communications equipment” they need is the Motorola wireless headset stuff that Motorola pays the NFL a small fortune to use. How hard is that to hook up? But really, why not play the game somewhere closer to New Orleans? Houston offered to host the game on Monday night and that’s where the bulk of the New Orleans evacuees are. Might be kind of nice to give them free tickets to a game to give them something to do that night. Why not Atlanta? They have field turf so you wouldn’t even have to worry about tearing up the field? The real reason the game’s not being played in San Antonio is because the NFL is worried that Tom Benson (who owns real estate and a ranch in the area) wants to move the Saints there and they only want a team relocating to Los Angeles. Fine. Have them play at the LA Coliseum, then. And you’ll see that LA really doesn’t miss pro football, as ludicrous as that might seem to Tags and the crew.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Our scouts say: I can’t get enough NFL footage of Jon Gruden yelling at Chris Simms. They had some good stuff from last year and the other night they had even more from this training camp. Honestly, I could watch that all night…When Gruden says he’s “never had a running back like Cadillac Williams” what he’s really saying is, “This guy is what Thomas Jones should have been.”…How bad is Simms if he can’t beat out Brian Griese. Brian Griese? You have got to be kidding me…Has Griese gotten drunk and rolled down his driveway in Tampa like he did in Denver?…Mike Alstott is still on their roster. He doesn’t even have individual vertebrae anymore, his spine is made out of the stuff that Black and Decker makes the SnakeLight out of…Derek Watson made the team as a running back. This is a guy who couldn’t handle the rigorous academic challenges at the University of South Carolina and had to transfer to South Carolina State. I’m sure he’s picking up the playbook really fast…I admire Dexter Jackson. He won the Super Bowl MVP with the Buccaneers in 2002 then signed a huge contract with Arizona in 2004, cashed his big signing bonus check and then got out of Arizona after one year to go back to Tampa Bay. His agent makes Drew Rosenhaus look like Ron Popiel.

West

Arizona Cardinals
Our scouts say: A lot of people are picking them to win the NFC West, and that of course, means that a lot of people are smoking crack…Kurt Warner will throw four TD passes a game. Two to the Cardinals, two to the opponents. Wait, that’s not fair, I left out all his fumbles…They have brought in a lot of talent in the two years Dennis Green has been there. I liked the JJ Arrington pick in the second round last year and you can’t go wrong with Larry Fitzgerald. And then there’s–uh–well Dennis Green’s new secretary is pretty hot…Last year we mocked them for paying Bertrand Berry a lot of money, but he ended up with 14.5 sacks, so instead we’ll just mock them for listing him as Berry Bertrand on their Web site’s roster all year. This year they seem to know who he is…I love their home stadium. It’s carved out of the mountains, and ASU plays all night games there because the bleachers are made of alumnium and when you go to a noon kickoff in Tempe your ass burns like you’re on a griddle. And they wonder why they never get good crowds?

San Francisco 49ers
Our scouts take: I’ll tell you how far they have fallen from the Montana-Young-Rice days, when offensive lineman Thomas Herrion died after a preseason game one of the PR staffers said, “And that’s only the second most desperate thing a guy has done to get out of here this year.”…They had the top pick in the draft in a year when there wasn’t really a top guy to take. They spent months trying to decide between Alex Smith and Aaron Rodgers and then 22 teams pass on Rodgers after they take Smith. It’s like winning the lottery when it’s “only” $2 million and realizing that once you pay the taxes there isn’t that much left…I’m pretty sure that Jerry Rice is putting off signing a one-day deal with the Niners so he can officially retire from the franchise because he’s worried they’ll try to make him play that day…PJ Fleck is a good guy to have on your team. Anybody who can earn a degree from the most prestigious university in North America is an asset to any program.

Seattle Seahawks
Our scouts say: They’re upset that the Jaguars are going to make them wear their home blues on Sunday. I’d be upset, too if somebody made me wear that clown suit out in public…Walter Jones didn’t hold out this year, which I’m pretty sure means six more weeks of winter…Shaun Alexander is on a contract drive this year which either means he’ll tear it up or he’ll try to avoid contact at all costs. You know, kind of like Rashaan Salaam…This could be Mike Holmgren’s last season, and should be if they don’t win at least one playoff game. You just know that somewhere in his house he has a photo of Brett Favre and at night he kneels in front of it and sobs…A lot of people are picking the Cardinals and I know they gave the Seahawks fits last year, but come on, this is easily the most talented team in the division.

St. Louis Rams
Our scouts say: You wonder how good this team would be if Mike Martz wasn’t a complete lunatic? He knows offensive football better than almost anybody alive, but nobody makes stranger decisions on when to go for it on fourth down, or pisses away more timeouts than Martz does…They drafted Richie Incognito from Nebraska and he threatened to hold out all season, but I’m pretty sure I saw him at practice every day, only wearing a fake mustache and a different number…Incognito, get it? See, this is why this is the last one…You have to admire how well Marshall Faulk has taken his demotion to second string. He’s still better than about 15 starting running backs in the NFL, and hell, he’s probably better than the one on the Rams…One of their quarterbacks (Ryan Fitzpatrick) went to Harvard. I’ve been to Harvard, too. The Milk Days Parade is a blast.